Posted by B2chica on April 2, 2016, at 12:20:59
In reply to will you keep your feelings to yourself?, posted by swim on April 1, 2016, at 14:58:16
> Hi!
>
> I just wanted somebody to let know of how disastrous i felt today,I'm glad you did. Even if i cant help, i listen, and sometimes just to put it out there in some distant way helps things.
>>i even can't believe a person could feel like this, just acting normal but how i feel inside this is unimaginable, this even can't be but in words. This was the hardest day among the hard days. This can't be even real, if the Nardil isn't working, i feel like i being tortured inide my own mind and i can't escape.
and thats the key problem my friend. this is probably why i do keep a lot to myself (or here on babble). Because it IS a war within your own mind and other people -unless they are like us- cannot begin to comprehend the depths of despair we can feel. When everything is a battle, even breathing seems so effortful. most people just cannot fathom such horrid feelings, let alone for the duration in which we endure them.
>> I really don't know what to do anymore, i even don't bother to tell about how really really terrible i feel, because i know they can do nothing to help me.
-maybe not, but if you have the right friend/family member, they can sit with you and just be with you. for me sometimes thats enough.
>>This can't even be described in words, I mean how something like this could even be possible?-no, there are often times in pdocs office or T office i struggle for about 20 minutes trying to find even the closest words to describe how i'm feeling, many times none seem to fit. sometimes its enough to try.
>
> I started Nardil 3 months ago and again the first 2 months were amazing- i was feeling alive, not suffering, not in pain anymore, but it always comes back, the pain, it comes back, i mean it goes away for a short while but it still comes back, it doesn't mater how much i want it to stay away.-i have learned that it is these thoughts that make things even more horrid. do not look ahead or behind, keep in how you are feeling now...and try with every ounce to keep even a small even slight bit of hope that soon, very soon it will remit, if even for a few days.
>>I have untreatable persistent depression, which without nardil has no escape, i feel so depressed even writing it, but i just needed to say it out! It's only been couple of months brake from the depression (i even don't want to see this word anymore, more less type it)after getting back on Nardil and and feeling so undescribably horrible that i haven't even find cognitive power to express my self about how i feel and to post anywhere. At the moment i'm upstarts writing this and i hear my brother and his girlfriend laughing downstairs enjoying a movie and i just can't understand why i can't enjoy something like this, why am i so different?
-this may seem a little odd, but since we have candor here, i want to tell you where i let my mind go sometimes, often times.
when it is so bad for so long i think of St. Michael. i think of how he was this incredible warrior of unrelenting strength and faith... i try to tell myself, i am a warrior that is being tested of strength, skill and faith. Strength of will, skill of using our resources to out manouver this illness an faith of at least some bit of recovery. My hope is that we all can see ourselves as warriors that are getting stronger with every bout, every episode, every onset. Because although i seem to feel weaker each time it occurs. When i have made it through, i do tell myself 'i made it through this one', and for a little bit i feel stronger. For a little bit I feel worthy of the name Warrior.
>
> This went off subject but do you tell other people about how you feel, can they help you? I mean i usually act just normal, i don't know why i do this, i should be crying and asking for an ambulance, but i dont.No, i normally dont. at least i've tried in the past. i now only talk with my pdoc, T and maybe once and a while a friend that understands. but i feel over the years folks either just dont get it, or their tired of hearing the same thing over and over (as i often am myself).
However, with that said. You do need to know WHEN to reach out. you need to know when to ask for professional help. That is Not the time to keep things in.Remember.
Take each moment by moment, and once that's past, you never have to relive that moment again, you are always one step closer to a reprieve. Do what you can When you can. and do you best to find something to occupy your mind and body if possible, for at least a little bit each day.Take gentle care of yourself Swim.
b2
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke
poster:B2chica
thread:1087731
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20160331/msgs/1087772.html