Posted by Deneb on May 24, 2013, at 5:20:47
Hello everyone!
I think I've been on Babble since 2008.
Growing up I think there was a mismatch between my parent's (especially Mom's) parenting style and my personality. I was a pretty anxious child. Though apparently I started out as a fearless toddler. I'm staring to think my default personality is very open and relatively fearless but then something messed me up along the way.
Well I had a lot of anxiety problems as a child. When I was around 10-14 I had panic attacks. I was extremely shy. I still did very well in school though.
In high school I was a shy outsider but I still had a small group of friends and got good grades.
Then in my last year of high school I started getting messed up. I think I was dealing poorly with change. Anyways, I got really depressed and paranoid about people talking about me. I started acting a bit weird. Suicidal thoughts were off and on and I had wild mood swings.
I started seeing the school psychologist and took my first medication, Zoloft.
When university started it was more of the same but worse. I was no longer a good student. I skipped classes. When I could focus I got A's but other times I just skipped exams.
Then it was pretty much 10 years of awfulness for the most part. Some good periods, and some very bad. I had first started seeing a psychologist on campus, then she decided I needed a psychiatrist.
I never did much medication switching. Throughout the 10 years I've tried a few. I had stopped Zoloft on my own after a while but then relapsed or something and then was put on Celexa this time.
Then there was a period when my pdoc went on maternity leave and this replacement pdoc tried me on different meds. I was then on Wellbutrin with a tiny bit of Risperdal.
When pdoc came back she took me off the Wellbutrin right away because I had some binging and purging tendencies and she was worried about seizures. I liked how the Risperdal calmed me down so I stayed on it but pdoc didn't like it at all.
Well I found out that pdoc thought I had borderline personality disorder. I think it was because I was having suicidal thoughts a lot. I also cut myself sometimes and had urges to overdose on medication. I did overdose seriously once and had to go the the hospital.
They fixed me up but I got a short trip to the psych ward since the doctors didn't know what to make of the situation.
Well, throughout all this time I was having great difficulty finishing my degree, but one day I finally did it. It only took me like 9 years LOL.
I got a part time job and honestly it's not the greatest place but I stuck with it. I found out that I thrive in very structured environments. I kept getting all the different positions I applied for within the company. It's been about 2 and a half years now and I've been promoted to a full time HR position. It's still not the greatest place and I'll admit I'm a bit lazy. I should probably look for greener pastures soon.
I never thought I would get into HR. I had poor social skills in the past.
Well now I'm a really confident person. I remember pdoc encouraging me to stay "hi" to my co-workers and I had a very difficult time with that, but now I'm doing presentations in front of people, being authoritative and pretty social.
I'm definitely not afraid to approach people now.
Oh and I'm also not taking any medication. I weaned off everything with pdoc and I've not had any problems at all. It's been a few years now I think.
I'm not sure if I really had borderline personality because right now I have zero trace of that.
I think the things that really helped me the most was:
1. Getting a job2. Realizing that my worth as a person is not dependent on getting good grades or becoming a doctor or lawyer (being "successful")
3. Facing my fears and just doing whatever it is I'm afraid of. (The first time I trained a group of people at work I was very nervous, but now after doing it dozens of times, it's easy and I like them)
4. Realizing that other people don't really care all that much about what you do. So what if you do something horribly embarrassing? YOU might think it's the end of the world, but honestly, most people don't care, they are too busy worrying about themselves.
I do have issues with relationships, in that I don't have a boyfriend, but I'm 100% fine with being single. I like the freedom. I don't desire having children either so it's fine, I have plenty of time to decide whether or not I want to have a partner.
Of course there are a lot of other things to work on. I'm far from perfect LOL, but I wouldn't want to be perfect anyways. There will be nothing to strive for if I'm perfect LOL.
The main thing is that I'm happy. Honestly I think being happy is my default mood and I'm pretty lucky to have that.
I'm always thinking that my life is pretty good compared to others. I'm always aware that disaster is around the corner (parents will die, friends will die, I might become sick or disabled, the economy will crash, world wars etc.) so I make sure I enjoy the good times now. Also when I know the bad times will come, I feel like I'll still be OK when they do come. Life happens, then it ends. Everyone dies. There's really not much I can really mess up knowing that. I should just enjoy it while I can.
poster:Deneb
thread:1044163
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20130501/msgs/1044163.html