Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2011, at 22:01:49
In reply to How Do You Trust Again Without Losing It So To Spe, posted by Phillipa on December 28, 2011, at 12:43:17
I'm going to be cynical here and say that it's probably best *not* to trust that people will do what they say they will do. Not that I'm being mean about other people. It's just that they have their own priorities and what's important to you isn't necessarily important to them. And even with people who love you, your priorities don't become theirs.
When we bought this house twenty years ago, I loved nearly everything about it except for some paint colors and the wallpaper in the kitchen. Part of our decision to buy the house was factoring in someone to remove that wallpaper and prepare the walls for paint. I hate that wallpaper and have been hating it for twenty years. It's still there. I now have the paint all ready but it's hard to find time to strip the walls. My husband loves me. He knows I hate that wallpaper. But it's still there.
We had a mouse in one of our cupboards. We brought in someone to plug the space around the pipes where it came in, and have seen no mouse in nearly ten years. My husband wants to clean that cupboard, and doesn't think I can do an adequate job. We're low on cupboard space, I'd like to be able to use that space, but ten years later he still periodically promises to do it.
He can probably list similar instances for me. I just can't recall them because, well, they aren't as important to me.
So, don't bother trusting again. Periodically ask him when he'd like you to purchase the materials so he can do the job, and then forget it. Just as he hopefully forgets the times you don't follow through on what you've promised.
Forget all that cr*p about people who love each other wanting to please each other, etc. In some ways it's true. But realistically speaking, it's probably not wise to measure love by a spouse's willingness to do chores that are more important to us than they are to them.
In our family, the rule is that the person responsible for doing something is the person who cares more about it being done. And no griping. It roughly works out. Or at least I think so. My husband, who likely cares about more than I do, might not agree.
Romance *can* be found in trying to please each other. But romance can also be found in trusting where trust is warranted, not trusting where trust isn't warranted, and appreciating the one without overmuch resenting the other.
End of cynic's message. :)
(And yes, I realize it's now a moot point.)
poster:Dinah
thread:1005715
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20111226/msgs/1005851.html