Posted by jerryTRD on November 18, 2010, at 2:36:13
I'm not suicidal, but I am tired REALLY tired- physically and emotionally of trying to find "the perfect med cocktail" for the last 20 years.
First, meds I've been on @ therapeutic dosages for 6-12 weeks trail at least:
ANTI-DEPRESSANTS:
Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Luvox, Cymbalta, Effexor, Wellbutrin Amitriptyline, Nortriptyline., Ascendin, Serzone, Imipramine, Lexapro, Celexa, Remeron, Nardil, TrazadoneATYPICAL ANTI-PYSCHOTICS
Seroquel, Zyprexa, Abilify, GeodonMOOD STABILIZERS
Neurontin, Lithium, Depakote, Carbamazepine, LamictalANTI-ANXIETY AGENTS:
Ativan, buSpar (a joke), Klonopin, Xanax, Librium, Valium, AtaraxADJUNCT MEDS:
Adderall, Dexedrine, Ritalin, Concerta, Provigil, CytomelOFF-LABEL TREATMENTS:
Hydrocodone (opioid), AndroGel (testosterone)SLEEP MEDS:
Ambien, Ambien CR, Trazadone, Seroquel, Ativan, Klonopin, Lunesta, Sonata, Nembutal, Mirapex, Chloral HydrateMISC TREATMENTS:
ECt (8 treatments), VNS implant -Vegal Nerve Stimulator ( I was in the first large scale national trials. Has it in for about 2 years and eventually had it removed for a couple of reasons one being it had NO effect on my depression.THERAPY
Group therapy, CBT, DBT, Talk Therapy for 20 years.So that's about it - hope I didn't leave anything out. I've seen countless psychiatrists who either try me with another med or refer me along to another pdoc - for 20 years.
WHAT DOES SEEM TO HELP YOU JERRY? ANYTHING?
A: I've found over the years I do best on an SSRi or SNRI + stimulant + benzo + sleep med + OPIATE!!!!as I posted in an earlier post - MY MAIN SYMPTOMS ARE:
Anhedonia, extremely low motivation, hypersomnia, sexual dysfunction, hopelessness, constant fatigue (without a stimulant usually), lethargy, insomnia, no enjoyment in anything.HAVE YOU HAD BLOOD WORK DONE TO RULE OUT ANY BIOLOGICAL PROBLEMS?
A: Yes- found out my TSH was out of whack so I'm on 150 mcg Synthroid.Found my testosterone is low -so am on AndroGel (50mg).
Found I have VERY VERY VERY mild sleep apnea, In fact I say my pulmonologist today and he basically said "Why are you here?" Because I had about 4 Hypopneas (a medical term for a disorder which involves episodes of overly shallow breathing or an abnormally low respiratory rate. This differs from apnea in that there remains some flow of air. Hypopnea events may happen while asleep or while awake.) Since Hypopneas don't cause one to stop breathing - they are not as severe as apneas.
I asked him "So, how come for 20 years I've never gotten a good night's sleep to where I feel rested in the morning?" His answer - "I dunno." So he referred me to get fitted for a CPAP but said losing weight would probably help me more than using a CPAP.
I am on Disability for my depression and it is my only source of "income." I have Medicaid and Medicare so my meds are paid for except if it's an off-lable use - then they say -NO WAY - unless you can prove you have the symptoms the specific med is supposed to treat. That's why I can't get Adderall XR or Vyvanse - I don't have ADD or Narcolepsy.
SO that's my life story for the past 20 years. I'm 38 now. I've missed out on 20 years. Sleeping, isolating, yada yada yada....
So how would a small town Psychiatrist even know where to begin with me?! My current pdoc is good - he puts up with my many calls requesting for med changes - but he'd rather work with dosages than add another med. And he's never been one to say "Ok - let's look at your symptoms and see if we can find a psych med match - even if it includes using older meds (tricyclics). And he likes to do things one at a time - so change one med, wait 2-3 months then either try another or keep it and add another - and wait another 2-3 months, etc etc.....I can handle multiple med changes but I don't know how to prove this to him.
SO I'm at the end of my rope. I feel hopeless - how can I tell myself that they may find a new med that helps when all the meds I've tried have touted the same thing?
What if I wanted to completely ditch my current med combo and switch to a tricyclic, a different stimulant, a better benzo than Klonopin - like Valium or Ativan - which has always worked the best for me. How would I break it to my pdoc?
I mean right now I'm not suicidal but my shades are down and I intend to sleep as long as I can tomorrow and the next day ,etc., because there's no hope - Therapy for 20 years + Meds for 20 years and I'M NOWHERE BETTER THAN WHERE I WAS 20 YEARS GO. I don't believe in doctors anymore.
I want to be looking on the outside instead of always on the inside - you know? I want to laugh. I want natural motivation. I want to experience joy. I want to enjoy doing the things I used to derive enjoyment. I want my SEX LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!! I want to fall asleep with in 15 minutes every night. I want to spend my life with someone. - etc etc etc
I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel. So I sleep and sleep because I don''t want to die - but if I happened to die in my sleep that'd be ok.
I really cannot take it anymore.If I'm doing something wrong God, please let me in on the joke?
I'm tired.....time for hibernation. Good Night everyone.
Jerry
Major Depressive Disorder, treatment-resistant w/GAD. Meds: Lexapro 10mg, Adderall IR 20mg 3x daily, Klonopin 1mg 5x daily, Seroquel 300mg, Ambien 10mg, Synthroid 125mcg, Androgel
poster:jerryTRD
thread:970667
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20101117/msgs/970667.html