Posted by ace on December 23, 2009, at 3:16:48
In reply to Re: Rejection sensitivity and I want to die again, posted by uncouth on December 22, 2009, at 21:53:08
> experienced pdoc is handling my psychopharmacology. and i help too:)
Well, I am at a loss for some of the drugs he has put you on.....I couldn't say why unless talking to him.
> ace thanks for the post.Thant's OK!
>
> i am in a haze right now but it was good to read.
>
> i am a jumble of regrets, hopelessness, apathy, anhedonia, more regrets, sensitivity, loss, worry, fatalism, despair. i feel like someone cracked me and im being scrambled on a hot griddle. all the parts of me are being disassociated -- literally falling apart. how in the world is life this hard.
> i have squandered so much. 2 degrees from stanford! and yet, living at home, age 29, with parents, no job,I think that if you had 200 degrees from Standford, you still would be at a loss!
It seems you are comparing yourself again to societal 'norms'. Believe me, societal 'norms' are not always healthy!
Like I was saying, live your life according to you, regardless of what society or others say is right.
Their is nothing wrong with living with your folks at 29, and having no job is not the best, but, I state again, don't associate the negativity of this with who you are as a person.
no love -- for anyone, from anyone, for myself, from myself.Work on that. You know, pretend that you are a loved one, or a friend who is very ill in hospital. Treat yourself as you would treat them. Practice this but- a lot!
Then start trying to love others, and help others....without expecting anything in return.
But all this stuff takes practice.
> i look in the mirror -- I CANNOT BELIEVE that is me looking back, and the situation i am in. the hopelessness and feelings of failure...so profound.
>
> my life, it feels like many lives. does this make sense? i look back, elementry school, high school, college, after college, job, the present...they are all fragmented...memories feel like they are lifetimes ago. no sense of continuity, the only thing constant is this pain i've had with me since i was a boy. i hated it when my dad came home smelling of alcohol slurring his words. and he still does it, except i'm 20 years older. but i feel the same.
>
> oh and when i think about what i lost. i was SO CLOSE. i had it all just 2 short years ago. job, woman. and it disappeared, i let it slip through my fingers. blamed the depression. but who knows. all i know is i was hating life and couldn't seal the deal on anything.
>
> now i'm struggling...to say the least. go to sleep at 7.30pm everynight. tv doesn't entertain me...all i see is other people living their lives and i look and say wow it looks so easy for them...whats wrong with me. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!! what hath God wraught?All these things you are saying here: I really feel they are just being magnified by your current condition. When I hit rough patches, I think "What mistakes, what a sad life!"
Then when I am happy, I think "Gosh, life is working out for me exactly as it should- even the bad parts!"
It is like you are looking at your life through these bleak dark magnifying glasses created by your depression...
> these sufferings are so profound, so prolonged, and yet, i don't hve to feel the pain of a lost spouse, or dead child...soem people have so much more to deal with every day. who am i to complain?Pain is proportional and totally subjective. You have every right to experience your pain, and we can not quantify it, in relation to others pain.
but...it still hurts. people don't understand. brain is like any other organ...it can malfunction right? independent of any other circumstance.
Yes! Unfortunately we have no biological markers for any psychiatric disorder, but I have no doubt of the authenticity of aberrant brain function causing psychiatric disorders.
> sh*t f*ck sh*t i'm on so many meds and i dont even know whats real anymore. but i can't throw them away, because then what. then what???I do advice that you get down to 2 medications. You ARE on a lot now, and, as stated before, I think this is likely to be causing problems for you. Including the 'hazey' feeling you mentioned.
> i was a Golden CHild. Smartest in the class, in the neighborhood, in the school. So much potential. And now look at me. Thats what i fear people say about me now "oh he had so much potential, it's so sad". how pathetic. and i agree with them.Stuff other people. Practice living by your standards. By your values. Really cultivate this.
> i want it all to end. this isn't what i signed up for. why does God let children be abused? alcohol, physical, psychological, sexual, whatever, it's all damaging -- for life.I can't answer this. I have a some strong ideas about this, but, alas, I would need to write an essay to try and approach this qstn!!
where are you God, i'm angry and don't understand. i've cried out to you, are you listening?
> we the mentally ill are given the secret knowledge of suffering.There is a blessing bestowed on us, i feel. But it can take years and much pain to fully appreciate this.
ican't look into the face of a homeless person, someone impoverished, or sick, without feeling empathy now. this has changed me. maybe this is how Jesus felt? the meek inherit the earth....This is a wonderful attitude.
> Time for bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Probably won't, probably will be another wasted day, another day of torment of my own making, another day filled with punishment...WHY am I being punished what have I done? I've been punished since I was a child like this! Have I always been guilty? Lord, why???
>
> -uncouth
Just DON'T YOU GIVE IN MY FRIEND!Onwards brave soul!!!!!!!!!
Ace:)
poster:ace
thread:930381
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20091217/msgs/930470.html