Posted by Fivefires on April 8, 2009, at 3:40:30
In reply to Re: 2SICK 2LONG THEY WANNA PULL PLUG » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on April 6, 2009, at 20:16:25
From my case mgr to closest loved ones, they are 'fed up or exhausted w/ me as I am currently'. They think if they pull away it will force me into changing, but it is only making me sad, hence more ill.
Cuz' no way get to psychologist yest' for appt., offered phone v. charging me $45. P-therapist (There. That works for me.) listened as I explained the severity of my anxiety at that time, it being very hard to breathe. We discussed mother and 'conditonal' love and was it ever different? To my statement 'all think my problem is meds', P-therapist said there seems to be a lot of misunderstanding of medicine (and mental illness) in my fam'.
The FOO all live away.
In the winter mos., mother here, like now, doesn't come to see me, even after explain this agoraphobia. More than I can count, when I say please look it up online, say 'no!' 'it's just an excuse'.
It is awful, never had b4 ya' know, then too have no car at this time.
(I've lost my place you all; shouldn't go back to edit. Going back to bed.)
I told him ICM came here when judge said no. (Judge told me ICM should not come here, but his bro' could, to p/u some things.) It almost turned very violent. I didn't call authorities and complain though 'cuz authorities didn't own up to a prior violation of my privacy, which I spoke with mother about and she more or less thought I must be wrong or it wasn't important, or I wasn't important enough, invalidating an obvious insult upon me.
I just let this second 'error' go, though I wanted to say to auth. or a victim's adv., 'you let me down', I guess because I believed in my mother's POV. I think I've told you all before, oh, and the p-gist told me on 2nd visit, a very sensitive person. If mother not think my protection or privacy important, it wasn't. This is my mother. This is who I've entrusted myself to, and tried, even through terrible misunderstandings, to honor. I can't seem to let go, just like 'a cycle of abuse', I guess.
P-gist is 30-yrs in profession and first time in long time, feel words are being translated into my feelings, as I'm given feedback about what I say. I need this because I've really lost grip had on 'who am' and if I'm behaving improperly and upsetting my fam', I'll do what can, and I try, but I'm hearing feedback explaining 'everyone makes mistakes, and the type of relationship between a parent and children is individual to each child, unlike mother repeatedly telling me there is 'no difference in how she feels or relates to any of the five of us'.
I saw myself favoring love chlid over second child when they were toddler age and going up, and I sat down and apologized to my second child and told her it wasn't her imagination and why I did this so she would never think I didn't love her too.
I don't see the need to dig way down to some root of this anxiety, but I do think it is theapeutic for me to say what hurts, so I can answer the very same question you just asked me Phillipa, and once understood, move up or down or around or nowhere, but get to a place where I feel free of so much burden, shame, worthlessness, and again remember and maybe even be a person who at least knows how to make a friend, again.
After p-gist phone appt fell asleep and woke 11p. 2moro is a sad day because it's the day I was born and tonight I live a life so alone and unfamiliar and out of place. There is a possible connection betw. I and the brother she idolized, always says to me he said 'he would earn his life' and always says to me 'I earned my life' and I wonder if she's telling me 'I earned this?'. She gave birth to me 13months aft' he and best friend died in plane crash. I am their namesake, my firt and middle name. Idk.
Recently she said I 'chose' this, but abuse is behind smiles and I could not see them, so did I chose abuse; no. I chose what looked like love. Yes, I was wrong, but I'm paying for my error already, turned life upside-down; why she throw more on top idk. babbling2much
tks (((P))) 5f
poster:Fivefires
thread:886733
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090330/msgs/889392.html