Posted by Siraris on December 19, 2003, at 1:30:48
In reply to Warning, Long Post, posted by mtdew on December 19, 2003, at 0:28:24
I am baffled, as this is me as well, almost to a T.
I really don't know what to say. I have never heard of CFIDS, and although it sounds a little out there, it could be me as well. The thing is, I do have panic/anxiety disorder, and I didn't see you mention anything about you feeling like you did, any time in your life.
I assume by your email address, that you went to Carnagie Melon (unless it has some other meaning mtdewcmu), and if you did, that's pretty impressive. I personally went about things a different way.
I thought, from a very very young age, that I was extremely special. I don't mean to sound like I am bragging, but I really was a special young person, as I believe many of the people who post on this board are. When I was roughly 2 years old, I used to memorize all the books my mother read to me, and would say them back to her. Remarkably, though, I was able to read through books and actually point at the words while I was saying them.
When I started regular schooling, I didn't care about school for some reason. Some time in Kindgergarten or first grade, things changed, and I became a very very focused student. I was in an advanced math class with the middle school head of math starting in second grade, and was always in advanced math programs until I switched to public school after a year of living in Chicago (around 7th grade). I started reading books at a very young age, and can even say I read The Firm by John Grisham when I was about 8 years old. Not something that I am proud of now, but when I was around that age (8-12) I would often pass for someone in their 20's when talking to people who did not know me online.
I also had an incredible sense of direction. If I needed to go somewhere, like to my sisters house, I could actually picture the entire route from my house to theirs, in my head, seeing every piece of land along the way (houses, any fenses or walls etc) and this happened with other things as well. Now I have trouble navigating to the most simplest places.
But I think something that was the most remarkable, and something I wish I had today, was my ability to absorb information without even thinking. I would be able to sit in class, on the rug or at a desk, and talk to someone, and when the teacher would ask me what he/she had just said, I could repeat it word for word. This frustrated many of my teachers, as I was distracting the other students, and I think it also had to do that I actually WAS hearing what they were saying ;)
I started going to psychiatrists at a very young age, as my school (which happened to be private) and my parents thought I had behavorial problems/ADD. Around age 7 or 8 I went to Yale University for a battery of tests, and found to be in a very high percentile, scoring I believe a 148-150 something IQ.
My computer skills were something to be reckoned with, although I did not start programming until around the age of 16, but I had been using the computer since the age of 3. I would sit with my mother and play old Sierra games, telling her what to do, since I didn't know how to spell at the time. Basically, I had it made cognitively.
I made the move to Chicago when I was 12, and although it was hard, I dealt with it pretty well, and at my new school, continued to accell greatly at math and science. My teacher would stay after class with me on certain days, and teach me advanced math beyond what our class was doing. The summer after 6th grade, I did an advanced program with National Louis University, that although enjoyable, was a little over my head. Then came the big change. I had to leave the school I was at, and went to a public school near my house. I remember to this day, going into the math teachers class and taking the test to get into advanced math. I scored an 89, but needed a 92 to get in... I was crushed, and things went down hill from there (at least in school). I was still accelling in my other courses, but I started to feel the social pull of "wanting to be cool". So I started acting out and not caring about my studies. I started hanging out with the "cool" kids, but that did not last long. Eventually, I just didn't care about school. I didn't see the point, I didn't need anything from it, it was stupid, I could learn it all on my own.
Panic/anxiety came in High School during the viewing of a movie while out with friends. My mother dismissed the panic attack I had had for well over 45 minutes while at the movie as just me being a hypocondriac... and I thought she was right as it didn't come back... until a few months later. I had panic every day for about 6 months at school, until finally, while watching a movie in a class, I started panicing, went out in the hall, and my whole world literally flipped 360 degrees.
I was put on medication, and went back to school, taking about a week or two before I could go back to classes normally. I still cared nothing for what school had to offer, and went through life just playing video games.
The summer before my senior year of high school, I started working for an internet startup doing programming. I was so not ready for the job, but I did it anyways, and they kept me on, until one day the company basically went under. I got through my senior year, and then took a year off to work, which I did fairly well. I then decided one day that I was going to college, so I drove downtown, said I want to goto school, and I did it.
So that's my story. I've been thinking about CFIDS as I write this, and find it hard to believe I could have something like that, as I never get sick. When I was younger, around 7 or 8, I used to get tonsil infections every month until I finally got my tonsils out, and now I barely ever get sick. I do feel all the things you wrote about CFIDS though, so it's puzzling to me. I have been going to doctors, psychiatrists for years now, how could they not know?
I'd like to add, that while I was reading what you wrote, I kept experiencing something that has been bothering me for a while now. Whenever I try and read, I basically just skip around, and don't really read what I am reading. I find myself just moving over the words, sometimes skipping entire sentences. I have to read stuff over and over again.
And while writing this, I have to keep extreme concentration on what I am writing, and often write things I don't mean to write. I type at incredibly fast speeds (somewhere around 140 WPM) and I never used to have this problem, but now I just write and it's almost as if it's not me.
I'd like to add one more thing, and maybe someone can expand, or comment on this. A few months ago I tried smoking Marijuana. I wanted to see what it was like, as it was the only drug I would ever consider even trying. After only 2 "hits" I coughed for about 5 minutes, and then while standing near my friends computer, felt like I blacked out (while standing up) and when I came to, the room was moving, and I was freaking out. I didn't know what happened, and I thought I was dying, the room was physically moving/swaying, and getting blurry. Someone finally told me I was just high, and when I realized it, the fear went away, and I had one of the best times of my life. I didn't smoke very much, only 3 or 4 times after that and never ever felt panic. Then, my most recent time, about a month ago, I had a terrible panic attack, and it didn't go away. For 2 hours I had this indescribable feeling, but the thing is, it was all in my mind. Everything I felt, all the fear I felt was all in my head. I honestly had no physical manifisation of this attack, my heart rate was totally normal, I had no sweaty palms, nothing was showing itself physically, even though it was all happening in my head, and I felt that it was happening in my body.
I say this just for the pure fact of the interest of it. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that the panic I felt was all in my head. I have this new insight into how the brain works, in that I feel the fears in my brain, somewhere, and then my body feels it too... that's the only way I can explain it, and if it doesn't make sense to you, that's fine because it makes no sense to me.
I'd love to hear from more people, on anything they have to say. Although I wish none of this was happening to me or any of us, it's good to know I'm not alone.
poster:Siraris
thread:291198
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031213/msgs/291526.html