Posted by zinya on June 19, 2003, at 0:38:24
In reply to Re: PDoc -Argh! » NThompson, posted by CherC68 on June 18, 2003, at 21:58:08
Dear Cher!
I'm so concerned for you, my goodness. I sent you an e-mail some hours ago, I hope you got it....
I get the impression in this post that you feel like you're spiralling. Please reach out when and however you wish or need, any time. I hear you making yourself feel guilty for not being joyful, punishing yourself for not "being yourself" in the face of loving family and "things" and situations which our whole society subconsciously or consciously teaches us to equate with "having arrived" or "reasons to feel good." But the thing about depression [if I may be so bold given how new i am to even beginning to process all this and stop my own half-hearted, abortive prior attempts and procrastinating and finally take it really seriously] is that (among other things) it is absolutely not rational, it's not about things that "make sense" or feelings that seem rational or justified. Depression doesn't care about such stuff. In fact, it seems like such stuff just makes the depression more overwhelming or suffocating if we let the guilt compound it.
I know you've been wondering (at least until the past week) if in fact it was more transitory depression you were dealing with, one that didn't mean needing medical treatment -- and that still could be true. But either way, whether it's something biochemical or hormonal or more transitory, I want so much for you not to lay guilt on yourself for thinking you "should" be happier or you "should" be whatever. Applying this is easier said than done, but i learned some years ago to treat the word "should" like a red flag, to train my ears to perk up and think "Uh oh! Danger signal... Beware of the "shoulds." Especially about feelings. There's no such thing as how you "should" be feeling. Those internalized messages we all have (I shouldn't be afraid; I should be happy) just make us dysfunctional i think. And the friends who can't stop saying "you should this" and "you should that" are the friends i'm staying away from now. Hard enough just telling my own "shoulds" to get lost.
You are where you are, and there are reasons why you are depressed even if you can't see them now. They may be emotional, they may be psychological, they may be physiological (either biochem like serotonin or maybe hormonal or both) or probably some of all of the above, or more. But I hear you telling yourself your depression is "unreasonable" and that is something I wish I could massage out of your system, that guilt or self-chastisement. I know that that is part of the depression itself, so please know i'm *not* -- heaven forbid -- chastising you for feeling guilty!! or for chastising yourself! and i do understand your doing this (if i'm not totally off target in what i hear), but just know that, for what it's worth, there's somebody out here who thinks you're being way way way too hard on yourself. (This is me the pot calling the kettle -- How many times have my friends said this very thing to me, how hard i am on myself. So it feels a bit like Who'm I kidding? to be saying this to you, but always easier said than done...
In such a short time, I've already come to care so much how you are doing and care about you. Please know i'm thinking of you, sending my best peaceful vibes. I know your hands are hurting and I don't want to urge anything painful, but do send word when you can, even short words :)
with warm hugs,
zinya
poster:zinya
thread:13781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030614/msgs/234986.html