Posted by Krysti on November 5, 2002, at 13:45:25
In reply to Question for Krysti, posted by Mr Cushing on November 4, 2002, at 17:24:23
Hi Mr Cushing,
Thanks for writing to me - it's nice to think I may be able to help someone else keep a positive outlook on things.
When my anxiety started six years ago, I was terrified. I had no idea what was happening to me. I didn’t know anything about anxiety at the time, had always considered myself “normal” and always thought I would remain “normal”. I had never known anyone (at least that I knew of at the time) who had gone through anything like that. I was completely embarrassed by it and tried to hide it from everyone. It became so unbearable though, I finally started opening up about it and found out there were a lot of people who suffered from it. I even met people who were on medication for it and found out it helped them tremendously. No way was I going on medication though, I was stronger than that (haha) - it was a mind over matter thing and I was going to do whatever it took to make it go away on my own. Yeah, right! I tried for six years to no avail. Once I even gave a presentation, in a class that I was taking in college, with my BACK to the class! I panicked and couldn’t turn around and face them. Can you imagine?! Good thing I had warned the class before then that I get really freaked out about being in front of people, so I was at least laughing WITH them afterwards.
Anyway, I also was having the major mood swings, but I just thought it was because of the anxiety. One week I’d be running around all over the place, calling everyone in the world I knew. The next week I would just want to be at home and not talk to anyone. One day I’d be on the phone with my friend telling her I had life all figured out and how wonderful it was and then the next day she’d call me and I would be so depressed I didn’t even want to talk. I finally decided the anxiety was driving me crazy, interfering with my life, and I couldn’t control it on my own. I didn’t care anymore what I needed to do to make it go away, I just wanted it gone! That’s when I went on Paxil. I also started taking Xanax occasionally and Ambien at night so I could sleep. Then one night, even after taking Ambien, I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and was wide awake. I decided I was awake for a reason and the reason was to clean, clean, clean. (This was also during the week and I had to go to work the next day.) Didn’t matter though, I wasn’t tired and I was so happy and I just wanted to clean. I ran from here to there, cleaned this, cleaned that. I started calling my friends to tell them how happy I was (yep, in the middle of the night) and then I got it in my head that my chiropractor was on his way over to my house to ask me to marry him (no matter that we weren’t even dating!). I called work and told my boss I was taking a “happy day” (what the heck’s a “happy day”?!!).
Well, obviously, my chiropractor never showed up, so I just went to his office! All I have to say is Thank God I took a Xanax before I went (just in case the anxiety came back – although I felt so great I was sure it wouldn’t so I had wrestled with myself back and forth on whether or not to take it). I had calmed down enough by the time I got to his office that I didn’t make a complete idiot out of myself, although I was still convinced he wanted to marry me, he just wasn’t ready to ask me yet. The really scary thing is that I didn’t even realize something was wrong till I went back to work the next day. I started thinking back on it and realized what I had been thinking. I never ever thought anything like that could happen to me. I went to the doctor and was in such a manic state he made an emergency psychiatric appointment for me. I then went over to my friend’s house and we looked up bipolar disorder on the internet and sure enough I had all the classic signs. I was put on Depakote and it took a month for me to come down (I took medical leave from work). Luckily, my bosses were very understanding.
I guess the main reason I remain positive is I've always been a control freak and thought I should be able to control everything on my own. After that episode, I realized I definitely had a problem that was out of my control. It was actually a relief to me to finally believe there wasn't anything I could do to overcome it on my own and that I truly did NEED medication. No more denying it. Now I feel I have a real chance to maintain some type of normalcy and balance in my life. I have always loved a challenge and that’s how I look at this. My new challenge is finding that right combo of medication.
As far as work goes, once you’re on the right medication, there is no reason you can’t work and lead a productive life. The best thing I think is to take charge of it, not let it take charge of you. Read as much info as you can about it and about different medications, pay attention to yourself and find a doctor that will listen to you. My first priority was getting on a mood stabilizer that I could live with the side effects - anti-depressants alone make bipolar worse which is why I became so manic on the Paxil. The Depakote made me gain weight so I switched to Gabitril. I also pay attention to the dose and what feels right for me (I’m only taking a 3rd of what my doctor originally prescribed – with my doctor’s knowledge). When I started feeling depressed, I decided to add an anti-depressant (Lexapro). I stay away from the mood altering drugs that are addictive, like Xanax.
I’m still not sure that this is going to be the right combo for me yet, as since I’ve been taking the Lexapro, no more depression, but my anxiety is starting to come back. I just keep taking it one day at a time. I’m sure there will still be some rough times ahead, but acknowledging it, accepting it and trying to manage it is the best way I can think of to handle it. At least now that I know what I’m dealing with, it is easier and I know there is hope. It may be life long, but those were the cards I was dealt so there's no point in denying it. Keeping at it to find the right meds keeps me going (can you imagine how much worse it would be if there weren’t medications out there for this?). I feel lucky that at least I don’t have something that can’t be managed.
I understand hating to take medication every day. That’s definitely not what I ever thought I’d be doing. I just don’t focus on that now though. I’ve heard enough horror stories about people going off their meds and getting worse, that it’s not even an option I consider. When it’s a choice of taking medication every day or risk the possibility of ending up in the hospital or worse, I’d much rather take medication every day.
It sounds like you have a good doctor who knows what she is doing. Just make sure you pay attention to you though and what feels right to you. It also sounds like your dad is very supportive which really helps. My mother was pretty freaked when I was first diagnosed and so manic for that month - she didn't really know what to make of it or me, but she's very supportive now.
Well, now that I’ve gone on and on, I hope at least some of it helped :) It’s not so bad, at least our lives have not been boring! And how many people could have finished 6 years of college in 3 ½ years AND get straight A’s!! That’s quite an achievement! So, it hasn’t been all bad. Feel grateful for that and now look forward to getting balanced, feeling more sane and putting all that hard work to use making good money :)
Feel free to e-mail me if you ever want to talk. KrystiT71@aol.com
Take care and thanks again for writing to me,
Krysti
poster:Krysti
thread:126436
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021101/msgs/126533.html