Posted by CJ Young on March 7, 2002, at 14:26:53
I'm on 50mg Seroquel, 400 Wellbutrin, 300 Effexor, 60mg thyroid
and xanax (.25mg) to help me sleep. I had seizures as a child and
recently had another one which I chalked up to accidental overdose of the above
drugs due to time-zone changes while traveling to asia.My problem is this--I am in a PhD program in literature and faced with
what seems to be my inevitable departure from the profession. I cannot
think properly, my memory is astonishly deficient--the hundreds of books I have
read are no longer accessible to me in my mind. It is heartbreaking to
pick up a book and have no memory of having read any of it. Marginalia
appear foreign.The qualities I valued most were my verbal acuity, creativity, and eloquence.
My emails would leave friends and colleagues on the floor laughing. Distance
never came between myself and my friends on the other side of the country because
I could express myself perhaps better than I could if I were there. I no longer
write emails anymore and have lost touch with my friends.I cannot find words. My boyfriend, a brilliant man who fell in love with me
before I was on medication, is heartbroken that the medication does not
allow people to know me or my intelligence. Sometimes I think he is talking
about himself too.My mind operates at about 10% capacity versus prior to the meds. When your life,
your identity, your passion are circumscribed by your intellect, you are left with
nothing but the consciousness of your loss.In this case, ignorance is not bliss, but agony. I feel I need to make a decision.
Severe, treatment-resistant bipolar II depression with borderline personality disorder
OR mediocre quality of life emptied out of all content and meaning.I cry all day. I have lost everything just so that I can keep living.
Please share your experiences.
poster:CJ Young
thread:96905
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020307/msgs/96905.html