Posted by Dinah on November 10, 2001, at 17:18:48
In reply to Re: Dinah- dissociation » Dinah, posted by shelliR on November 10, 2001, at 12:49:38
> From another dissociator: I don't understand what you mean by a careful balance in using dissociation. Aside from having children inside, the other way I dissociate is to not feel myself physically at all. I guess it developed in childhood to get through by not feeling present, or being invisible. My inside kids are pretty much under control, but I still can't control my lack of physical being except to change scenery, despite trying grounding techniques. I would rather not have this dissociation; it doesn't seem to have a positive function now. So I am interested in what type of dissociation you still find useful as an adult. (when carefully controlled)
>
It is really hard to explain. I don't have time lapses, and I don't have DID. I guess what I have is the ability to separate myself from myself. I can keep a certain distance between my thinking self and my emotional self. I often have absolutely no idea what I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it. I can sort of put myself in a trance or as I call it "whoosh" myself away. I might know I'm upset about something, but I have no idea what it is. Even if I guess about what I'm upset about, I'm frequently completely wrong. My emotional self and my thinking self also have completely different perspectives and ideas about things, and I don't always have access to what is going on with my emotional self. In other words, I am somewhat disconnected and alienated from myself. But neither my thinking self or my emotional self is a complete personality and only my thinking self has control of my body (although I sometimes feel hijacked by my emotional self).
I don't really have a dissociative disorder. I have dissociative skills that I can't control very well. I don't understand all the skills very well and I can't control their use very well. The trance ability is one skill. I also seem to have the ability to take any experience and break it down into it's component parts (such as the emotional component, the visual memory, the memory of who I was while I was experiencing the event) before storing the parts separately as memories. Because of this, I don't have a very good continuous sense of myself.
Incidentally, I had no real abuse or trauma as a child. I learned these skills as an adolescent when I was having problems with severe anxiety and depression.
I've babbled far too long and I know I am not making any sense at all. It is such a very personal thing, and it doesn't translate well to words at all. I'm somewhat anxious about posting this because it sounds so odd. It was easier posting about suicidal ideation and self injury, because at least I knew those were comprehensible.
Sorry I can't give you a better explanation.
poster:Dinah
thread:82989
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20011104/msgs/83808.html