Posted by Edward on August 8, 2001, at 13:04:01
Some of you may remember certain posts I have written recently suggesting that I don't have depression, and that a recent depressive episode I had was just a short term effect of smoking far too much weed. I proved myself wrong by coming off my meds. Admittedly, I did tail off a bit quicker than I was supposed to (over 1 week instead of 2). However, I was fine for the first four days after I had come off them completely, perhaps even better than normal. But after a mildly upsetting afternoon (a friend I was about to meet suddenly phoned up and cancelled), the depression returned with a vengeance. In mental agony, I took one of my left over tablets and went to bed. I didn't bother getting up the next day.
Today I went to my mental hospital, and eventually made it to the backup psychiatrist (my guy's on holiday) and asked for a new prescription of my meds (mirtazapine). Despite having taken my tablets for the last two days, I was as ill as ever, and decided to get my life over with later that afternoon. I ran away, or rather walked slowly away, in search of a high building. After twenty minutes, I realised I didn't have the guts or even the energy to kill myself. I had to get back quickly so that they didn't realise I'd run away, knowing that if they thought I was getting suicidal again I'd have no chance of leaving this friday as planning. I was late of course, and made up an excuse about going for a walk and getting lost, and went home. I'm feeling a little better now, but I'm sick of the whole situation.
I'm scared to come off my tablets again, because I remember now how bad I feel when I'm not on them. However, despite the help they are were doing for me, I still met the DSM diagnosis for dysthymia. Sometimes I think it would be better if I let myself become seriously depressed again because I would be forced to end my miserable, pointless life. Why can't I get completely better? Why can I only be unhappy or suicidal?
Sorry to submit my pathetic, self-pitying whinings to you, but I can't tell anyone about this or I'll be stuck in the mental hospital again, and I can't stand it there. I'm not expecting any replies; I just needed to let it all out.
Thanks,
Ed
poster:Edward
thread:74167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010804/msgs/74167.html