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Re: Never made it out....(long/ramble)

Posted by juniper on January 13, 2000, at 0:07:34

In reply to Re: Never made it out...., posted by Noa on January 10, 2000, at 17:39:19

i know that this thread lost its thrust a while ago, but noa asked a question that i find particularly interesting: how does it feel to stay in all weekend? what affect does this have on your mood?

i've done the weekend thing more times than i can, or care to, remember. each time i tell myself that i will write or read or study or do something crafty/creative, but each weekend passes with very little written, read, studied, or created. my last position for my job had me working at a residential base with juvenile delinquents. i also lived on the base (alone) in a small one room cabin. no one really knew i was there--i had created a new dimension for myself and kinda liked the secrecy. i could have called or e-mailed or written friends (though none lived in the state where i was working), i could have accepted invitations or made a few of my own. but i didn't. i'd go to work, come home, and most of the time fall into an escapism sleep. i also quite taking my effexor, so i am sure that this had something to do with things...but the recluse was lonely, and sad, and despondent. it was, in retrospect (ahhh, retrospect) a very unhealthy situation for me.
that said, weeks before i took a backpacking trip by myself for the first time. 6 days alone...but the company i kept, myself, nature, was more than enough. i had worried that this may not be good for me, but i had an amazing and beautiful time.
scenery cannot be discounted.
however, i know that i decline many opportunities to go out, and i hardly ever initiate. invitations that seem like a good thing at the time become burdening when it is time to take a shower and go out. but, when i go out with friends i usually have a nice time, feel better about myself, and laugh. i know, the way you just sometimes know, that this is good for my psyche. of course, i have to be careful of whom i go out with, and where we go. there have been times at bars where i have had panic attacks, or less severe reactions where i just take in the whole scene and am disgusted by it. yuppies drinking and (pardon my crudity) trying to get laid. sometimes i just want to say to that drunk guy who is hitting on me: do you know that there are days that being awake hurts? that there are days that i do not get out of bed because i am afraid of myself and my emotions once i leave that comfort? do you get that at all?


so. that's quite a ramble. overall though when i venture out with friends i feel better about myself and my relationship to others.

anyone else?



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