![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:29:55
there is a
major
fracture
detected
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:41:37
In reply to fracture, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:29:55
the past is in the present too
its living inside us now
making us who we are
its experienced in the present
reminding us what we are
and no matter how you run
you can't beat time
it will always catch up with you in the endcontrol
ive lost my control
why can't i dissociate if im supposed to be so grand at that?
why can't somebody else deal with this if they want more time anyways?i don't understand
ive lost my control
but then i never had iti can't do it
just have this ability
to live in the fractureno wonder boulders move
its like how you have your visual field
and usually our attention just worries about that
doesn't worry about the blackness to the left of you
blackness to the right of you
blackness behind youand when you have taken a few to many mushrooms
the blackness comes alive
you discover another sense
vision to the side of you
behind you
opens up a hallucinatory worldand there you are in the fracture
but don't get lost behind you...
keep one eye to the front.and here i am precariously poised
between the past and the future
and i feel like i must sit on the fence here forever
and id quite like to fall...
but...one can hide in fractures too
i suppose
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:52:32
In reply to in space-time, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:41:37
clearly
somethings snapped
uncanny feeling:
things will never be the same
though of course things always are -
i grieve sometimes
but its hard to find the balance
between letting it out
and letting it consume mehard to find the control
and thats what i hate
my problem is...
my problem is...
oh gee, have i thought long and hard about my problem...i don't have much impulse control.
emotions become action urges and they are hard to resist
ideas become action urges and they are hard to resist
and i don't have much self-control.
but thats with my emotions.
because i'm hard-wired to *extremely reactive*
and they are so intense...
i used to think they were going to kill me
i didn't know what they were
i didn't know what was going on
emotions
unbelievable.and then there is the space-time thing
which sounds more interesting then it actually is
its just living the past inside you
over and over
and over and over
all the time
a tape recorder
a movie
a persons voice
over and over and over
and it never really stopspeace - WHACK
and peace is never peaceful for me anymore
one must be WARY for what can happen at ANY MINUTE one must remember to jump for the shock...and maybe i won't stay in one place-time incase that one turns to custard and there won't be an escape route...
or maybe the fracture means i just can't do it anymore
i don't know
but i am so very tired
so very tired
so very sick of
'coping'
and
'getting through'
and
'persevering'
when there really isn't any hope
that i am ever going to get any better
and every liklihood
that i'll f*ck things up irrevokably for myselftime to curl up into the fracture
and sleep...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 5:34:28
In reply to Re: rambelling, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:52:32
and sometimes rambellings almost resemble poetry
but mostly not.
i do know what a mixed metaphor is
but i guess i am mentally lazy
confused
unclear
i've heard of people who visualise numbers as coloured balls
amazing...
i can visualise ppt. slides
but thats about it...
i guess i don't bother with metaphors properly
especially mine which are cliches any rate
don't visualise them
don't really see when they get mixed up
bad habit of lazy thought no doubt...
:-(i think my problem is...
thinking that there is such a thing as 'my problem'
just the one dear?
no. of course not.
i don't really know whats wrong with me most of the time.
lots of people have tried to tell me
what my problem is
what my problems are
usually... dx comes first
and then the problems are gifted
along with the dx.
but given how many dx's i've had...
i really don't know that i have much faith in that anymore
not for me
not in my case.
so what is wrong?
and never mind operationalisable
never mind something that has had stuff written about it
never mind suggested treatment strategies
never mind termination
what is wrong?
sometimes i feel really unhappy :-(
sometimes i feel lost in the past :-(
sometimes i feel fractured :-(
and i don't know whats wrong
and i don't know if i'm ever going to get any better
what the f*ck is wrong with me?
i don't know.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 5:52:02
In reply to Re: rambelling, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 5:34:28
and the panic
thats whats hard
the panic
it is that...
there is no seeing without seeing as
you can never see things-in-themselves
only things-from-a-perspective
or things-under-an-interpretationand the world of the happy is quite another from that of the unhappy
w.
the perspective / interpretation / lens has changed
and there is a rational lens
clear
calm
logical
precise
and there are a variety of emotional lenses
panic
being one.
hard to describe...
kind of like what happens when you take too much amphetamine...
objects start to look outlined in black
their edges start to look outlined in black
like a cartoon
menace
an ominous air
and then the voices start up
and shapes and forms distort
like they do on a really hot day
when the day is sucking the moisture out of your eyeballs
and it does funny things to the light
and shapes and forms go shimmery and move a bit distorting and writhing
lined in black
and then you know that the panic has arrived
and no matter how much you try and swallow it
swallow it
'its just an emotion'
you can't ignore it.
because it colours everything
it affects everything
and even though you tell yourself
'its just an emotion
its just an emotion'
its bigger than that
its worse than that
it effects you more than that
and you can't think straight
because there isn't any such thing as thinking straight
there is only thinking under a different interpretation
emotion
whatever
and you can't just change the lensno
you have to wait from a few hours to a few days
:-(
and put that way...
put that way...
it hardly matters at all.
but put another way...
put in the context of your life
of how you just want to die
of how you would do anything anything at all to make it stop
its torture.
only made worse by ceasing
because then you are faced with
'see you are alright see i told you so'
till the next time.
i can't believe the horror
i can't believe it
i can't believe that it is emotions
is that really what it is?
maybe its not...
because i can't think my way out of them
i can't think my way out of the black outlines
the distorting shapes
the voices
i don't see that they result from any core beliefsi don't know.
there has to be something to mute this...
trouble is...
can i still function with it?
most probably not...
why am i thinking about a holiday again????
i feel sick
i wish i could get off
Posted by zeugma on September 6, 2005, at 12:00:13
In reply to Re: rambelling, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 5:52:02
the fractures may be what is seen by someone whose perceptions are not f*cked.
someone told me my failure to see what everyone sees
is because of too intense a focus on what is there
i don't see what's not there, and this might drive me crazy
my therapists have been experts in seeing what is not there, and their delusions are not contagious (otherwise i could slip into the confines of their realities)
poetry is not metaphor, that in itself a metaphor(davidson)
and poetry is metaphor
aware that it's metaphor
but then the metaphors pile up in ordinary speech too, and a fractured experience
is like bone or glass
or an unforeseen interaction thereof
-z
Posted by zeugma on September 6, 2005, at 12:50:05
In reply to in space-time, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:41:37
i can't do it
just have this ability
to live in the fracture>>i like these lines :-)
i am trying to cultivate my own ability to live in that place.
reading some shakespeare helps transiently:
"man, proud man,
dressed in a little brief authority,
most ignorant of what he's most assured,
his glassy essence, like an angry ape
plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven
as makes the angels weep, who, with our spleens,
would all laugh themselves mortal."alexander pope is in many ways a lesser poet, but i sometimes like him even more:
"superior beings, when of late they saw
a mortal man unfold all nature's law,
admired such wisdom in an earthly shape,
and showed a Newton as we show an ape."pope helps me to deal with the vertigo induced by perception of fractures. the sensitivity to meaning. is poetry therapeutic? my therapist thought not. but it does help with the "ability to live in the fractures", although it also feels like it fractures things in the first place. damn it, it is all that keeps me going.
-z
Posted by Damos on September 6, 2005, at 17:55:04
In reply to fracture, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:29:55
Hey,
When you asked how I was on another thread I just couldn't find the words to describe it - but you did, exactly.
Fragile, fractured, broken, tip-toeing along a razor thin edge of life. An enormous crack has appeared in my carefully crafted shell and stuff is pouring in. It's all out of control.
Everything is wrong and yet nothing really is. A crevasse appeared without my noticing and somehow I've fallen in and I can't see a way back to where I was or a way to the other side. Thoughts, emotions, feeling are flooding into the crack and I don't understand them or what to do with them.
Part of me desperately wants to find a way to crawl back into the past me cause that's what I know. It's discomfort is comfortable and comforting in a strange way and I hate admitting that. And I don't know this other me, he's a stranger and none of my old ways of dealing with the world work for him. I'm lost in the act of becoming and I fear you are too.
I worry that you can't dissociate because as much as part of you wants to, a greater part of you now doesn't want to. It wants to be here and now it wants to let stuff in that it used to shut out and shut down. And that must be very, very scary and frightening. I worry that you are fightening hard to stay being the you you've been told you are and at the same time to become the you you want to be and are already becoming. It's like the fracture has become safe and comfortable because the stretch to the possibilty of who you might be is just too far, feels too hard, is too scary cause it means letting go and giving up so much that has been held onto so tightly for so long. Limiting beliefs about ourselves.
I've felt those boulders moving too and I didn't like it one bit. My skin crawled just thinking about it. Things are changing and rearranging themselves deep within you and sometimes resisting the change only increases the internal disruption. You are so much braver and stronger than I am. Embrace the changes and allow yourself to become. Please Alex, you're like a beautiful flower trying to burst from the bud.
Please be okay my special, precious friend. please be okay. Curl up and cry, scream and shout, let some past stuff out so that there is room for new stuff, good stuff to come in.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
Posted by Susan47 on September 6, 2005, at 20:52:18
In reply to in space-time, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:41:37
Where can I get those mushrooms? Actually I think the season is starting here and I know where there are some but I wouldn't demean myself to pick them in public, isn't that terrible? Why is that demeaning? I like doing certain drugs. It's only hurting my life the littlest bit. In truth, it's one of the things I think has kept me alive.
So why'm I so ashamed of it?
Posted by Susan47 on September 6, 2005, at 20:52:55
In reply to in space-time, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:41:37
Sorry, alex. I got carried away with your visions. They're great. I like 'em.
Posted by Susan47 on September 6, 2005, at 20:55:12
In reply to Re: rambelling, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:52:32
Not true. Been there, done that and if you've got to determination I had you will get through it to the side you know exists, the voices CAN be shut down. Change course. Something's not working.
Posted by Susan47 on September 6, 2005, at 21:01:19
In reply to Re: rambelling, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 5:34:28
Nothing's "wrong" with you. Your dx's are just ways of describing behaviour. The behaviour EVERYBODY exhibits to Some degree, unless you're, like, Ghandi. So your behaviour gets a bit more extreme in some areas, at some times. Maybe even a lot of the time, but so what, those behaviours are just an automated reaction to protect yourself when you needed to do that .. you just need to learn and understand that you don't need the behaviours and the ways of thinking, anymore. Sounds so f*cking easy, doesn't it.
Trouble is, I believe it. You'll be okay, you need to trust yourself, who you are, who YOU are. Not anybody else, not anybody's else's STUFF is actually yours. You can let it go, you can put down the burden .. it's old, and huge, and heavy, there're big dirty ropes around it, tied up like a parcel in dusty limp canvas, used as a tent for thousands of journeys ...
You can let the bundle down. There's a new life just inside the gate, here .. I see children, a whole courtyard of kids just laughing and beckoning to you, everybody's smiling, water's being carried from the well ... someone beautiful is watching you, alex.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 21:08:38
In reply to Re: in space-time » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on September 6, 2005, at 20:52:18
> Where can I get those mushrooms?
I'm not allowed to tell you that ;-)
>Actually I think the season is starting here and I know where there are some but I wouldn't demean myself to pick them in public, isn't that terrible? Why is that demeaning?
Don't get caught... Picking them (with intention to consume) is a class A offence over here anyways. What you want to do... Is go out there bout 6am when nobodies watching...
and if there are white spores around them then if you can scoop up all that dirt you can grow them in a seedling tray. your local gardening shop should be able to help you out... or keep 'em wet and somewhere sheltered. they're particularly keen on rotting / decomposing wood (bark) so scratch the ground good or take a spade.
>I like doing certain drugs. It's only hurting my life the littlest bit. In truth, it's one of the things I think has kept me alive.
Amen
> So why'm I so ashamed of it?
I dunno...
I'm (typically) fairly discrete as well...
What other people don't know can't hurt them...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 21:11:02
In reply to Re: in space-time » Susan47, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 21:08:38
... to everybody.
thanks so much.
:-)
i feel a lot better today...
finding out my extension is a bit longer than i had supposed was nice too.
and i see my t tomorrow.
thanks so much
:-)
i hope all your days are looking brighter too.
sometimes it is hard
so very hard
and it can be so hard to imagine things looking better
looking brighter
but people can be amazing
(((guys)))
i dunno what i'd do without you
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 21:15:08
In reply to Re: in space-time » alexandra_k, posted by zeugma on September 6, 2005, at 12:50:05
> "superior beings, when of late they saw
> a mortal man unfold all nature's law,
> admired such wisdom in an earthly shape,
> and showed a Newton as we show an ape."i like that.
a lot.> is poetry therapeutic? my therapist thought not. but it does help with the "ability to live in the fractures", although it also feels like it fractures things in the first place. damn it, it is all that keeps me going.
yes.
i understand.
i had a p-doc give me an assessment once
first time i had met him
assessment for admission into hospital
'what do you do?'
'i'm studying'
'what are you studying?'
'philosophy'
'hmm'
hmm indeed.
he gave me a funny look and said:
'does it help?'
i said 'yes' but i don't think he believed mebut it keeps me going
gives me something to live for
a purpose
it also hurts that is true
but it does help too
it does
sort of...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 21:17:28
In reply to Re: fracture » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 6, 2005, at 17:55:04
hey
i'll be okay
you will be okay
we will all be okay
i think...
you could use some therapy?
it might help
someone to talk to about what is going on
i know you talk to us...
but it might helpit is hard
because everything and nothing is wrong
all at once
and sometimes in such a painful waybut it gets better
it just has to
Posted by Damos on September 6, 2005, at 22:27:01
In reply to Re: fracture » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 21:17:28
Glad to hear you'll be okay, me too.
And 'Yes' you are probably right about therapy (sigh)It's odd though. As much as everything and nothing is wrong. I know somewhere deep down inside that things ARE better, I can just kinda sense it.
They can and will be for you too. It'd be so nice for Susan's image to come true for you, cause I can see it too.
:-) oops, forgot Rain gave me the Damos special smile :-D to use.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 23:10:19
In reply to Re: rambelling » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on September 6, 2005, at 21:01:19
> Nothing's "wrong" with you. Your dx's are just ways of describing behaviour.
Hmm. That sounds strangely familiar. Oh yeah. Thats what I tell OTHER people ;-)
>So your behaviour gets a bit more extreme in some areas, at some times. Maybe even a lot of the time, but so what, those behaviours are just an automated reaction to protect yourself when you needed to do that .. you just need to learn and understand that you don't need the behaviours and the ways of thinking, anymore. Sounds so f*cking easy, doesn't it.
Yeah. But not so easy. Not so. Especially when you just observe yourself reacting... And can't seem to interveane. To put a stop to it.
I mean... I guess awareness has to be the first step... But what then? Then what are you supposed to do???
> There's a new life just inside the gate, here .. I see children, a whole courtyard of kids just laughing and beckoning to you, everybody's smiling, water's being carried from the well ... someone beautiful is watching you, alex.
:-)
You are beautiful Susan.
Thank you.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 23:12:34
In reply to Re: fracture » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on September 6, 2005, at 22:27:01
> And 'Yes' you are probably right about therapy (sigh)yup.
Posted by cockeyed on September 8, 2005, at 22:16:44
In reply to in space-time, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:41:37
Hey, K. I'm tempted to talk the way I talk when I'm out with the boys i.e f* this sh*t.
Why can't one's mind deal with the happy bits
Or is Darwin our most prescient prophet.
I've come out of a most g'd f'n hole because I took a new drug.
My wife told me about friends who'd been in the same sh*t hole as me. So I girded my loins and asked for a new drug.Wellbutrin. He was worried about me getting "too high" B.S. I say start on the hi-side, head for the low side.
I'm tired of all this "by the booK' sh*t.
I've got heart disease, I'm also athletic, so a stress test gives low grade results. My cardiologist now says skip the S.T. just go for the angioram and guess what...they find the crap that'll eventually kill me.
I wonder if my mind wil do that for me. I think that one should demand the max...one can always back off. "f* em if they can't take a joke." they can take one's money. Maybe they should take one's opinion. We are the one who live in our heads, not them.
Well. now that I've described me, I'm gonna watch a football game.
But I'm sick of this low dose crap. My Pdoc worries I'll get hyper. Okay, so I don't think of suicide every damn day. So what. Cockeyed.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Writing | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.