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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2005, at 15:07:27
I'm so afraid to tell you this, but I have have to. My mind can't rest at all, anymore. My heart won't allow it to. Do you understand what that means? It means I love you and I'm embarrassed by that love. Because it feels needy. It feels as though, if it's not returned, you will disappear from my world. I need you in my world, so terribly much. You are a friend to so many, and I know I would want you as mine, and I would want you as my lover and my confidante, and I can't have you that way. Knowing that doesn't make the wanting any less. And I can't tell you this; I have no way of telling you this without making you feel threatened or beholden. I want to know you have good feelings, too, I want you to have the same feelings about me, and this is all so inadequate. All of this, this writing and stupid, incredibly childish and much too revealing to ever be fully respected, stupid messaging. To what? The universe doesn't care. It's huyrting your life, it has to be, even just to know you have to wade through a bunch of crap to get to the business of your day. I'm humiliated in this needing to hear from you, wanting so terribly much to know that I am worthy of something in your eyes, that you might like to have known me for real, as a person with something to offer you. So much of me has felt for so long, that I have nothing of value to offer anyone.
I love you so much.
At least, that has value.
Thank you, for being such a lovely, kind, beautiful and generous man.
Posted by damos on August 13, 2005, at 16:19:21
In reply to For You, posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2005, at 15:07:27
WOW!!!
Posted by Susan47 on August 22, 2005, at 23:27:03
In reply to For You, posted by Susan47 on August 13, 2005, at 15:07:27
I miss the you that never existed.
You were truly lovely in so many ways..
I loved you.
That was a miracle.
That I destroyed my own love,
that was a crime.
Posted by Susan47 on September 5, 2005, at 17:07:17
In reply to Re: For You, posted by Susan47 on August 22, 2005, at 23:27:03
It's a surprise. I didn't know I would still love you so much. I wasn't supposed to love you, at all, in the first place. None of your "patients" should ever love you, ever have the strong feelings about you, ever tell you all these things, All of them, almost all.. no, so much hasn't and never will be spoken, because life just isn't that good.. strip away the mystery? Never. Because I believe you need to be Adult to know that a certain amount of illusion is always necessary, in love and sex.. a certain amount of mystery required, promised, then faithfuly delivered ... that's part of what makes you sexy, in spite of yourself.
And because I've kept the mystery alive, I've done so much of that, creating the mystique of You, loving my creation, that sometimes you were a little lost in it. As you are now, because I write imagining that he will see this, read it, and smile; I like to think he had the time to give me that, and respect enough for me, that he wouldn't think any of it superfluous. The fact is, that cannot be. Because even I find so much of it superfluous, when I look back. So I don't. I've learned not to look back. Have No Regrets.
Each moment is new, mine to create as I wish. Did you know that? I just learned it. Life's a bitch sometimes. Because if I ever read this, I'll just shake my head at myself.. I'll seem so much wiser than I was when I wrote this. So, did I always feel this way? Will I feel this intensely about the subject matter tomorrow? Well, not every moment, certainly; the intensity comes and goes. What's left is the realization of something new, an integration into my personality of something that has value to me.
Okay, Susie, enough.
This is the end of the thread.
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