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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on August 18, 2006, at 21:02:30
As some of you may (or may not) know, I'm currently going into my second year of a psychology masters program. It's a research/statistics/etc based psych program though.. not based on counseling or applied work. However, my goal is to do applied work. In fact, I really dont like research much at all. So how did I end up in this program? That's another story.. a stupid mistake made out of fear. Not important though.
I have a problem now. It's a 2 year program, and the frist year, everyone takes univariate stats in the fall and multivariate in the spring. I took both of course. Now this fall, some people take SEM (it stands for structural equation modeling..), and the remaining few take one of 2 other similar (and equally nauseating) classes.
I dont want to take any of them. I dont plan to be a statistician or a researcher and will never use anything from those classes after graduate school. They are known (SEM especially) to be incredibly difficult and time consuming.
So now my dilemma is this. Do I go talk to the director of the program (I know her fairly well.. there are only 9 of us in my cohort) and tell her I dont want to take any? In reality, it's an option.. the only downfall would be that my concentration (clinical) wouldnt be listed on my transcript if I didnt take it. This may be a problem because later, when I go to apply to counseling grad programs (what I truly want to do), I'm going to need all the help I can get in explaining why the heck I was in this program to begin with. The more clinical work I do now, the easier that will be. If I did drop SEM, I would take another class instead.. likely developmental psych or a couples/family psych class. Much more interesting to me, but a stretch for the degree I'm getting. The couples/family class would bring up a whole different set of problems (some of the requirements would be hard, given my family situation).. but thats another issue too.
The bigger issue when it comes to dropping SEM, however, is all me. I cant let myself drop it because... I just cant. I know I wont like it, I know I wont use it, I know it'll only stress me out... but I feel like I have to prove to myself that I can do it. I asked myself earlier, am I still just as good a person if I dont take the hardest classes? And the first answer that came to mind was "no". Logically I know that isnt true.. but all I've ever defined myself by has been grades, academics, awards, etc. Backing out of SEM just because its hard - (and truly, thats the biggest reason.. if it were easy I'd take it, even knowing I wont like it or use it) - is just unacceptable in my mind. And I keep questioning myself, what if one day I do work in the research field (which could happen) and regret not taking this? The program I'm in is one of the few that teaches it, and the professor is one of the best. I would be missing out on an excellent class...
The other issue is my depression. I'm struggling a lot lately, inbetween therapists... everything is very up in the air. The thought of SEM and all the mind-numbing reading I'd have to do for it makes me feel emotionally worse. I cant let a stupid class and my own pride cause me to fall deeper into depression. That isnt worth it. I'm already having to write my masters thesis this year which has the same yuck factor and dread for me...
My therapist would say that I need to accept what I can do and cant do, and be proud of myself for doing so well at what I am able to do right now. I sort of believe that. But I just cant let go of the feeling that if I drop SEM just because "I dont want to do it!", I'm somehow not as smart, not as good of a person, not as... something. The truth is, I can do it, if I make myself. I'm trying to make excuses for why I dont want to, but I'm an adult now (I'm 23), and adults have to do things they dont like. Right? I'm good at talking myself into things.. oh my depression, oh I'm busy, oh I wont use it... but isnt the bottom line that I'm just being lazy? Or should I really drop it?
I'm not sure that made sense. I guess I'm more thinking out loud rather than typing coherently. I apologize.
Posted by Jost on August 19, 2006, at 17:05:15
In reply to should I drop this class?, posted by wishingstar on August 18, 2006, at 21:02:30
Wishingstar,
You seem to have three issues about the SEM class, two practical and one emotional.
The practial ones are:
1. will it negatively affect your future application to another program
2. will the other class you take fit into your degree requirements/program, or have requirements that are hard in your circumstances
The emotional issue is : how you feel about letting yourself drop it, or what it means if you do.
I can't answer the first two, because I don't know enough about what Psych program admissions, or how the other course fits in with your situation. Maybe if you write more about that, someone could answer, or I could say something more.
About the emotional side:
Can you accept not doing the SEM class, and not start to doubt the legitimacy of your work? ie because you didn't do the hard class, will you think your degree isn't "real" and your standing isn't earned?
---That can be a long term, diffuse, background sense of yourself, which could undermine your confidence, even if you believe, at another level, that the course wasn't worth doing --or it can fade into such insignificance given the other things you do, that it has no long-term consequences of weightOn another level:
In retrospect, what matters to me is having done work (in the past) that was worthwhile. For example, I also have a fascination with hard things for the sake of their hardness. My sense of inadequacy could be momentarily fended off by doing something super-hard.
So I would write a paper on a hard topic, rather than a topic that really interested me. Sometimes, it was fun, and I look back that feel good about going onto more barren ground and finding something fruitful. But there had to be a level of vital challenge there.
Other times, particularly as the difficulty grew and my sympathetic identification deceased, I spent energy climbing up a steep hill, and being exhausted, and frustrated, and wishing I'd taken the lower path through the trees and into the valley, where it was beautiful and refreshing.
As of yesterday, based on what you're writing, on the purely emotional side, I'd say you might have the latter experience with SEM. But maybe you were in a particularly negative mood. Are there days when SEM feels a little exciting, even if hard? Unless it would be enlivening, I'd say skip SEM-- on the emotional level.
There needs to be enough edge of pure engagement to make it meaningful. If that's missing, you'll more likely be drained, not proud of yourself.
--Unless you feel that your self-respect as a professional will really suffer-- which is the other element, the diffuse one.
You probably have to think about each and then, if the answers aren't leading to the same conclusion, try to balance them, and see which feels more significant.
Jost
Posted by Estella on August 25, 2006, at 10:36:18
In reply to should I drop this class?, posted by wishingstar on August 18, 2006, at 21:02:30
hmm.
i guess you could tell the councelling peoples that you took your program because you thought it was going to be relevant to doing applied stuff... then, when you got to 2nd year and saw what you had to choose between you realised it wasn't...
hard to say whether it would look better to complete what you are doing (yay a completed something) or whether it would look better to take classes that are more relevant.
could you... contact an admissions officer for the program for some advice?
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