![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 55 to 79 of 79. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 21:59:11
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on October 11, 2013, at 20:56:22
I'm not entirely sure, but I think it may suit me, yes.
I don't properly understand how science publications work with the teams / highly collaborative thing they do. In a sense science seems a lot more social than philosophy. A lot more division of labor with people having their circumscribed part to play.
One thing I've learned fairly recently... Is that there are a lots of fundamental skills that I never developed. Important stuff. Time management etc. There are a lot of things that I would do very differently if I could do a Philosophy degree all over again. I'd make much more use of support services with their seminars on database searching and Endnote using etc etc etc.
I think science students are more organized / timetable managed than arts / social science students. The number of contact hours is staggering to me... I think that this external structure will be good for me. No -- I KNOW that this external structure will be good for me. I can be highly productive (can get in the zone) flowing from one task to the next task etc etc.
'Write thesis' as a daily activity... Doesn't quite do it for me. People are making suggestions now... Thinking of working in 25 minute blocks or whatever... But it is a bit sad that I'm struggling to make things work at this stage of things... That I didn't develop good work habits early on. I'm fairly sure science will teach me good work habits. I know medicine definitely will - but I don't know if I'll get a place...
I know someone who works as a pathologist. Clinical. She does diagnostic screenings on tissue. Mostly looking down a microscope and saying whether the sample is normal or problematic given patient file notes / demographic data etc. She loves it. No patient contact. She started teaching... And she loves it. She loves the students. I guess a certain type is attracted to that kind of work...
I just see a whole range of opportunities. Ranging from the highly social (e.g., being a general practitioner in a rural community) to the highly a-social (e.g., pathology, or being the math guy for publications) and of course all kinds of things in between.
I guess... One of the things I liked was the idea of having a schedule, yeah. Go here at this time and do this and then be there at this time for that... I think I'd like that... That kind of bustle. Moving around (physically) hopefully some of that (compared to sitting in front of a computer all day). Variety. Patients a couple days. Lab a couple days. I'd... I'd like variety like that. I don't know how my autopilot goes during sleep deprivation... I don't know...
Philosophy is just 'and go and work on whatever you want and when it is done send it off'. Which is... Aimless... Perhaps it is something differnet to others. .. I don't know.. I've missed the boat somehow..
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 22:22:31
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 21:59:11
I think I would like to be a surgeon, honestly. But I don't really know. It seems very checklist focused these days. Routine. Minimization of risk. Take the human element out of it. Simplify it so a dumb-*ss person, I mean robot, could do it. Scripted. Like cognitive-behavior therapy - yes?
This seems to be why people want to go work in developing nations or warzones. The leash is a bit longer. The skill requirement is a bit higher. The potential to actually make a concrete difference to the lives of individuals is that much higher.
Though I've heard if you actually give a sh*t about the latter then public health is the way to go. If you actually care about numbers... Getting the medication to the people... Basic basic stuff.
I...
I'm not going to have a family. My work is my life. Or procrastinating work is my life. Playing little computer games for the comfort of some kind of repetitive stereotypic f*ck*ng thing that I get out of it...
Surely there must be a way to channel some of it... To enable me to be... A productive human being. I... Don't know what.
I've recently been influenced a great deal by this guy:
http://calnewport.com/blog/category/features-rethinking-passion/
Get good at something rare and valuable. Get so good they can't ignore you (that is what is hard - the world conspires for you to be yet another replacable part in the f*ck*ng assembly line). Use that as leverage for a life... That is good.
Posted by Twinleaf on October 12, 2013, at 11:02:32
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 22:22:31
Since you are now in a university setting and do not have to decide yet, you could explore some of the labs and see what is going on. You might find something which seemed just right. There were lots of fields and sub-fields that I didn't even know existed until I got into the university community (and there are probably still lots I don't know about.) This could be an exploring time while you get the best possible housing and therapy support.
Posted by SLS on October 12, 2013, at 14:55:03
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on October 12, 2013, at 11:02:32
> Since you are now in a university setting and do not have to decide yet, you could explore some of the labs and see what is going on. You might find something which seemed just right. There were lots of fields and sub-fields that I didn't even know existed until I got into the university community (and there are probably still lots I don't know about.) This could be an exploring time while you get the best possible housing and therapy support.
Good advice, Twinleaf. I love your caring, kindness, sincerity, and tolerance.
- Scott
Posted by Twinleaf on October 12, 2013, at 20:52:30
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » Twinleaf, posted by SLS on October 12, 2013, at 14:55:03
Thanks , Scott! I do think Alexandra has a lot going for her, and would love to see her able to identify the right goals and be able to fulfill them.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 0:51:34
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » Twinleaf, posted by SLS on October 12, 2013, at 14:55:03
yes, thanks to the both of you :-)
this is why i'm so excited!! i get to start all over again... discovering heaps and heaps of things that i never knew even existed...
fields and subfields and subsubfields and individual research groups.
i expect i will end up doing something... that i probably haven't even heard of yet.i need to get a bunch of grading done
(for which i am truly grateful)
then finish my thesis
(hold onto that)while getting things sorted out for next year.
honestly... if this accommodation comes through for me (if the invalid's benefit gets moved through for me ----- quickly!) then i'll be so happy...
i hate feeling unsettled. as i am now.
if this works out... it will be very similar indeed to my past set-up in aussie... i... i really hope this works out for me. i... this would be a lucky break for me. i don't feel like i've had one of those in a while.
it means a lot to know you guys are here. thank you.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 22:46:08
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 0:51:34
This is starting to turn out to be one of those 'and here we go again' situations.
Social Worker suggested Invalids Benefit because she didn't think about it properly. She got my hopes up because she didn't think about it properly. She gave me options I didn't think I had because she didn't think about it properly.
P-doc doesn't want to say that I need to live alone anymore. When he said that before he didn't really think about it properly. He'll write a note with the dx he thought on a referral to a GP but he won't fill in the invalid's benefit form saying how my situation isn't likely to improve over the next year or so.
So now I've got an offer for accommodation ...
That I will probably end up not being able to afford. And the affordable accommodation... Its too f*ck*ng late. They offered it to someone else. I had to nominate ONE choice.
Yet again: Community mental health manages to f*ck me up worse.
Overbridge... Maybe they put them so f*ck*ng close on purpose.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 23:01:41
In reply to Re: here we go again, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 22:46:08
it is my fault for trusting them.
when will i learn
Posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 23:14:24
In reply to Re: here we go again, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 23:01:41
i think she is trying to fix it now.
but of course she can't.
it's okay, she goes on holiday in a couple days so she can forget all about it.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2013, at 0:28:12
In reply to Re: here we go again, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2013, at 23:14:24
I'm alright.
It doesn't mean anything, yet.
I emailed accommodation and asked them whether it might be possible to get a place in the affordable option if I don't accept this other offer by next Wednesday (when it expires)...
I have an appointment with WINZ again for Monday and they might (maybe) pay the deposit to secure something...
Social Worker reckons some advocacy people might help me... And that she has a letter from p-doc for a GP... (I'm suspecting this is Bull Sh*t but I suppose it is possible that it might not be).
I...
Don't entirely know what to say.
I've been watching "The Big Bang Theory". It is quite good. Sheldon is... Well... I'm not quite that bad. I draw the line on fancy dress. I'm not quite that bad. But there is a lot of truth. See... He should get to sit in his seat. Because it means so much more to him than it does to anybody else... Except.. Well.. Even I can see that I suppose it is kinda crazy that he puts that much thought into most things he does..
This damned Asperger's thing...
I think it makes the most sense of... How I don't really have any friends... How the gift giving thing upsets me. And things like going to peoples places for dinner. There is something about the whole schema of social nicety that escapes me. Reciprocity. That I'm kind of... A sexual, I guess. Not flirty... I think of myself as a person more than a female in particular. I... Whatever.
I...
I just really really want this.
And I guess the point is not to have a melt down. Not just yet. Have a little faith in the universe. That everything will turn out okay. It might still. Might turn out best case. Might just turn out acceptable case. But anyway... Things haven't turned to sh*t just yet.
1) Grading.
2) Get supervisor some more work and raise the whole Skype oral defence issue that I've been avoiding (that was actually scheduled for yesterday with administration though I don't suppose he knows that).I kind of want a hug.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 2:41:44
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 14, 2013, at 0:28:12
((((((((alex))))))))
:-)
it will probably be okay.
p-doc has gone to conference. it is probably someplace good because no conference lasts for two weeks.
social worker didn't manage to catch him on Friday (as she thought she would be able to do) - so it isn't at all that he bailed on me.
he wrote some lengthy letter for me to give to my GP apparently (not sure why...) so we have that. and we might be able to get the other doc to fill in the form since she has supported 1 month then 1 month then 3 months of the sickness benefit saying 'need to live alone' each time. and i might be able to get a letter out of psychologist in support if next time i see her i ask if we can focus on finishing up the assessment and i tell her i've come to peace with autistic spectrum and why.
apparently p-doc has requested my file notes and is waiting on them... i was sure he wouldn't have much last time... he is planning on more properly checking. i am remembering stuff now... my plunket book said that i was still being fed by mother and not using a knife and fork and whatever age... i just interpreted it as my mother being over-bearing as always. but maybe... maybe there was more going on. same with her leaving out clothes for me and making me wear those. perhaps it was because there were worse problems if she didn't do that...
maybe she wasn't as overbearing / invasive as i remember her being... maybe it is that i'm weird in needing a lot more space than most. maybe she didn't shut me in my room... so much as i went and hid there all by myself.
:-/
anyway...
saw a consumer advocate person today and my next appointment with work and income will be with her and the regional manager. he's the person who got my letter before about blah...... that ended up resulting in my getting on the sickness benefit in the first place. i think the idea of this... is community support. the idea is... that the more people who feel this is appropriate for me / that i should have this... the more likely it is to go through. the problem is.. the nature of my disorder means i'm not embedded. so.. not properly in the position to ask for help. because.. people don't actually give a sh*t about me asking for help. they give a sh*t about those other people asking for help for me.
ur.
i am cautiously optimistic.
it basically hangs on 'why can you study full time but not do anything else'? because if you are sick enough for the invalids benefit you are meant to be too sick for work or study. that is the point. in my favor i'm currently on the sickness benefit and i'm studying a course at a MUCH higher level than the course i plan to study next year. so... oddly enough... i think this sheldon character on this television show is helping people... they are getting a sense of... i could study or even teach but i can't... do anything else, really. not without melting down. i think... they do get that. and... they are sort of empathetic about it. maybe it is the relationships thing... realizing that i probably won't get lonely living all by myself. that i won't get married or be in a relationship or have kids... all there is is this. i think they will help me.
i find out next monday. best case... the deposit to secure the accommodation goes through then. then i think... it might be possible i can move outta here in a couple weeks. into other uni accom (cheap summer rates) even if not the actual place i'll get to stay in for next year...
i'm...
fragile. scared. but cautiously optimistic.
i'm okay.
Posted by Poet on October 15, 2013, at 14:45:35
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 2:41:44
Hi Alex,
I love The Big Bang Theory, especially when Sheldon says, "I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested." And knock knock knock, Penny, knock knock knock, Penny...
Here are some safe cyber hugs ((((((((Alex)))))))) and a cyber slap to everyone making your therapy, medical and housing situation so difficult.
Keep being cautiously optimistic.
Poet
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 18:20:57
In reply to Re: sorry » alexandra_k, posted by Poet on October 15, 2013, at 14:45:35
thanks, poet. hugs back for you if you want. penny has my upper arms, but they look better on her.
i think things are going to be okay. i've figured it out. it is about the community support, thing. i think things will be okay because i seem to have some.
i still feel very ambivalent about this diagnosis thing. the problem is... i have to embrace it if i want assistance. otherwise i get nothing. feels a bit like emotional blackmail. i feel kind of dirty for succumbing. on the other hand, there is probably another way of seeing this...
i have a friend...
(i guess that could mean a lot of things)
he should be a close friend because we are part of the same group. have been friends for around 6 years. things have always been a bit strained between us, though. i thought it was because we were too much alike with respect to social anxiety so neither of us relaxed particularly around the other. part of it is that he does the social bonding with gossip (and bitching about certain others) and he likes playing social games like 'what is the scariest thing you have ever done' or 'who sung this popular song that anybody who is anybody must know' - and i can't do any of that, it makes my social anxiety worse...
anyway... we are currently co-located. have been... well... he was actually in wellington when i was there, and he moved up to this region shortly before myself... he did med before philosophy (is the one who told me i was doing this backwards)... and he has moved back into working on... something very close to me indeed. so really things are primed for us to have a working relationship. only... i've been avoiding him. fairly much the whole time i've known him. because of the anxiety thing... he gave a talk the other day and i missed it. anyway... i told him about the dx (dr appointment running over was why i missed his talk - but saying just that sounded lame). and got... a nice email back from him.
this sounds odd... but i think we might be capable of being better friends now. because... he thought that i was judging him in reacting negatively to his ways of coping with his anxiety but really i wasn't... and now... the dx makes that understandable to him. he can put it down to my incapacity.
i feel...
ambivalent.
but it seems to be helping.
actually... a huge part of it... where i used to live... there was a window that opened out onto this garden area. and people used to go there to drink after work. and i was in my room having a meltdown one day and i could hear him (he has a distinctive voice) and a bunch of people from work and they were like 'where is alex?' and he was like 'oh, she never hangs out with us' in a condescending way... it really upset me... later... i thought that perhaps it indicated that he was upset / sad or something that i didn't... later still... i realized he was hurt / upset because he thought i was out with other people who i liked more or something... but of course i wasn't. i was having a meltdown in my room. this... perhaps this is what it explains. that my social distance / aloofness / downright absence much of the time... wasn't at all that i thought i had better things to be doing or whatever... a lot does make sense now...
i got waitlisted for biomedical science. bastards. perhaps they are messing with me since i've applied to enroll then not actually taken up the enrollment for 3 semesters now... perhaps if i accept the accommodation on monday they will take it more seriously. i will go grovel to them next week (see if i can provide more information in support of my application). perhaps i pissed them off because i said i wanted to do a course of study that was half-way between both of those two options... but things turn out to be rather more complicated because they are restricting entry for the courses... if i don't get a place in bio-med i can always do the year of health science which involves psychology and epidemiology and sociology rather than physics and biochem and genetics... the other papers are the same (the crucial ones for med entry the following year) but i was starting to look forward to the challenge of science...
they administrator withdrew my application for physiology... so i think they are messing with me, yeah (i was going to apply for special permission entry to the restricted courses. ur... i think i am something of a pain. i hope i'm sort of somewhat amusing...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 18:42:39
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 18:20:57
turns out that after the few days of hell with the giggly high school kids... people actually went away for the holidays. so it was really rather quiet.
i only noticed because people are back now. and every 15-20 minutes, right on cue, from between the hours of 7am and 2am... someone makes some kind of noise. there is the hour of x slamming her door about every 5 minutes as she gets ready to get out the house... there is y who sings her way up and down the hallway... and blasts her music so loud in the shower that everywhere you can't hear the tv... you can hear her music.
people have now decided that the concrete path that runs along the back side of my room makes a wonderful access way for them to stomp and yell their way up and down (there is no more insulation to the outside than there is to the inner hallway - in fact it is louder because i like to open my window to air it. i'd open my door but it has been physically nailed shut. apparently i can't be trusted to remember to lock it).
i've told them no less than 5 times. they are adults (in physical years at least). i have no authority over them.
they are either intentionally being noisy or they are dumb as f*ck. i think the latter is most charitable. i don't see another way to see this.
i can't wait to get out of here.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 18:45:29
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 18:42:39
and people drive faster than teh speeding limit. and they sometimes kill other people because of this. but still people do it. they drive faster than the speeding limit. and they don't seem to think there is any problem with this. they think it is funny or whatever. they don't feel embarrassed when they get a fine or anything. ashamed.
so i guess given that it really would be a bit much to expect people to actually be silent in the library that is supposed to be for silent study only. etc.
i do think they should fine people significantly. then use that money to provide sanctuaries for people who are capable of conducting themselves appropriately.
Posted by Twinleaf on October 16, 2013, at 10:59:51
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2013, at 18:20:57
I don't think it will matter too much about the actual diagnosis, (except of course in your own desire to have things be as accurate and truthful as possible), if it gets you the services you need. Psychotherapy for the autistic spectrum also focuses on interpersonal safety and the primacy of the attachment relationship
Posted by alexandra_k on October 18, 2013, at 15:09:28
In reply to Re: sorry » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on October 16, 2013, at 10:59:51
The 'New Zealand autism spectrum disorder guideline' of 2008 (couldn't find anything more recent):
> Knowledge and understanding of ASD are crucial for the success of any theraputic encounter.
> Of equal importance is the theoretical orientation of the counsellor or psychologist. Because of the social and communicative aspects of ASD, expert opinion suggests that psychodynamic styles based on insight, introspection and the development of a theraputic alliance are unlikely to be successful (Recommendation 4.3.8). Cognitive behviour therapy (CBT), a therapeutic approach well supported across problem types and many different populations (including the intellectually disabled), may be more promising (Recommendation 4.3.9).
> The more structured format of CBT and practical emphasis on the here-and-now may account for this. CBT is derived from applied behaviour analysis and beahviour therapy, and addressed the role of beliefs about events in the development and maintenance of emotional distress. CBT typically consists of five components:
- psycho-education about the emotional and / or mental health difficulty, and education about CBT itself
- Teaching the person how to control the physical symptoms of the problem (e.g., relaxation training, specific breathing techniques)
- teaching the person how to identify faulty/irrational cognitions (thoughts), and how to change the cognitions into a more appropriate / helpful form (cognitive restructuring)
-assisting the person to practice his/her new coping skills in situations where the problematic emotions/behaviours occur, this may be a graduated process
-developing long-term plans (relapse prevention plans) aimed at helping the person to identify and respond appropriately to early warning signs and triggers.Because of the symptoms of ASD, even experienced cognitive behaviour therapists working with people with ASD need to understand ASD and how the characteristics of the disorder are likely to present in therapy. Advice to cognitive behaviour therapists on adapting their techniques to more appropriately suit people with ASD includes:
- concentrate on well defined and specific difficulties
-attend to and intervene with the core deficits of ASD (communication, social skills, stereotypical and repetitive behaviour) and alter techniques accordingly
-minimise anxiety about the theraputic process by being explicit about roles, times, goals and using techniques like repertory grid
-be flexible about length of sessions and leaving the treatment room
-avoid direct challenges to personal beliefs, as these may be experienced as personal attack; instead, examine the rationale and evidence and collaboratively develop alternative interpretations and beliefs
- use visual imagery
-encourage clients to write down positive things, rather than relying on changing thoughts in their heads
- incorporate specific behavioural techniques where appropriate, such as relaxation strategies, thought stopping or systematic desensitisation (Recommendation 4.3.10)They keep saying they have to view you as a person not a diagnosis (by law, even) but they really don't seem to have any comprehension at all of what on earth that means. I... Don't know what to say.
I have a three page doctor's assessment... I can take it to work and income. Again... I simply don't see how he gets to say a lot of the things he has said. I think a huge part of psychiatry... Especially the public service over here... Is about punishing people who ask for help. If you ask for help you are... Giving them permission to judge you. Example... P-doc said he felt that I laughed 'inappropriately' on occasion in the interview. Stuff like that. He judges I lack social skills... But he doesn't even make any attempt to observe me interact with my peers. Or even with my students.
I do worry that these file notes will prevent my doing med. But... If they do... Then I guess it isn't something I would have wanted to do anyway. I think that is the way to see it. If the profession really is that judgmental... I... Well... I kind of suspect that it is. That it will be.
I realize that I did f*ck up the Otago interview. Her voluntarily saying that I had interviewed well (and I was the second to last person to be interviewed) was that making socially affiliative but untrue gestures that people make (I do understand the white lie aspect of 'of course you don't look fat in that' though I don't particularly understand why people can't simply stick to truth with diversion e.g., 'if you like it then your confidence in it will make you beautiful' or whatever)... But of course... I did well enough to get an interview then I didn't do well enough in the interview to even get waitlisted. So I f*ck*d up the interview significantly. What did I do wrong? I failed to connect to the guy. I thought he was seeking connection on a spiritual level (pastor dude) and he may well have been... But I was reluctant to connect with him... Was true...
That would have been what it was.
At least I know that now. I know that for next time. The answers are important... But probably what they are wanting is that eye contact emotional resonance connection. I can do that. Sure. It isn't like they are extracting particularly personal or intimate information from me...
Why can't people just be honest with me?
I feel that this is a mixed thing indeed. I fear for my self conception.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 18, 2013, at 15:33:51
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 18, 2013, at 15:09:28
I mean... I feel happy and relieved that I have an explanation of what went wrong with that interview.
I feel very annoyed that she came out and (totally unprompted by me) looked me in the eyes, smiled, and said 'you did really well'.
Was the idea... 'This person has no social skills so it is okay to lie to them?'
The connection is more important than the content. That is it. Just like personal training. Just like physio. If x is wrong with you and the doctor could figure it out by doing their job... People would rather have the doc who didn't figure it out because they weren't listening particularly, they were too busy looking and smiling and laughing (appropriately) and connecting to actually think about the symptoms...
And while one might think a range or variety might be important there is hatred for those who actually do their jobs properly... For making others look bad.
I suspect I'll end up in science.
Who knows.
I need to stop jumping to conclusions / making assumptions. Especially now... After telling the girls across the hall to be quiet on no less than 2 occasions in the past 2 hours.
They are kids. Honestly... Emotionally... They are just like those 13 year olds chattering constantly next door. They aren't considerate flatmates because... They are children. FFS.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 18, 2013, at 19:33:14
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 18, 2013, at 15:33:51
here is a thought:
maybe only one of my alters is autistic
ahahahhahahahahahha.
:-/
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 0:52:03
In reply to Re: sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 18, 2013, at 19:33:14
it is obvious now that i've thought of it. she isn't a clinical psychologist (with a degree in psychology, a competitive score in honors in psychology, and completion of a competitive masters degree from a clinical psychology program).
she is one of those nurses or crisis assessment workers who did some kind of course in counseling (or perhaps even just the DBT short course in counseling to boost up their numbers). community mental health has taken to doing that...
that was why they are calling her my 'key worker'. that was why she came with me to the doc's assessment (a clinical psychologist probably wouldn't do that). that is why she doesn't know how to conduct an assessment. that is why her knowledge base was starting to seriously worry me (did she totally f*ck about during her training or what? did she miss that day - I mean really?)
it totally makes sense of it all.
CBT is clinical psychology trademarked over here. usually the non-psychologists claim 'humanist' but guess they are starting to move to 'psychodynamic' now. i should ask her who her favorite theorist is... i've made winnicott jokes etc etc and no bites... she isn't a psychodynamic theorist who has transcended CBT. she doesn't have the vocabulary / conceptual backing of CBT. and her knowledge of psychodynamic theory is potentially dubious... it explains her over-reverance for dx and the dsm.
ffs people. really???????????????????????????
just how long did they think it would take me to figure it out?????
(i complained about not wanting to be referred to psychology in teh first place because i lacked faith in the qualification so they go and do this to me? that was why doc looked so f*ck*ng sheepish on handover)
it is hard to explain my 'no dumbass' policy in a way that people can understand. it doesn't seem to evoke empathy from others. i'm actually not a qualification snob but going with my experience... just based on that... i haven't managed to meet any of those rare people who are counter-examples to the obviously true judements one might be inclined to make on the basis of qualification.
oh... this letter from her is going to be good... i bet. it will be obvious either way at that point... i only asked her to write it because i thought she was qualified to (aka: i thought she was a clinical psychologist). this is why i can't communicate with her. we have no common language...
i wonder if she even knows what 'schizoid' means yet.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 20:17:34
In reply to Re: figured it out, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 0:52:03
i hate the person i am becoming / the person i have become.
it all started at WELTEC.
there i was, bright eyed and eager to learn.
i ignored the typo's in the outline. in ignored the math that didn't add up in the assessment schedule. the only question i had was 'BOOKS!!!'
they told me not to worry about books, which made me sad.
then (reluctantly) they told us the books were ordered and available for purchase from the campus place.
only i had gone there already that morning and asked about them and they weren't there.
that was the first of the lies they told me.then there was the large classrooms. large enough to seat about 60. not staggered seating like a lecture theatre, the desks lined up so people were meant to sit in pairs or threes. you couldn't hear what the lecturers were saying if you sat back any further than the first third. even sitting in the first third you couldn't really hear because the other students couldn't be quiet.
'have you got a pen?' 'what page are we on?' 'what did the tutor just say?' 'how was your weekend?' 'poke - you are supposed to laugh now!' constant drivel... i'd say 'can you please be quiet because i can't hear the tutor when you are talking'. it got to the point i was saying this around 3 times in a 2 hour class. the tutor didn't back me up
(if it was my classroom i'd say 'if you want to talk you need to take it outside because you can't interrupt other students learning - they are paying too much for that. i've never needed to actually ask them to leave after saying that - though i would ask them to leave if i needed to).
why couldn't the teachers do their job?
it escalated to my being asked to leave. because it was constant... i couldn't learn there. the other students were incapable of being quiet / leaving me alone.
the uni here... is just the same.
i used to think anybody could do uni if they wanted. not everyone wanted to do it. that was cool.
now... i find myself thinking very / feeling very ... derogatory? thoughts about others. feeling really very angry. railing at stupidity and ignorance etc etc. hating them.
i used to not like / feel upset about people who thought they were better than others. people who were mean to those who were less smart etc.
but now i find myself turning into that person i hated.
this is because i'm not protected from their harms. i don't have a quiet corner of the world where i can get on with my work. i don't have like minded others to relax and unwind with.
high school was like this. the only thing different was university.
i think the people at university only get to have compassion for a lot of the rest of humanity because they are protected from it. if they weren't...
they might be more inclined to be sociopathic.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 20:39:49
In reply to Re: i hate myself, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 20:17:34
i just don't understand...
the best lectures i had were ones that were derived from the textbook. 50 minutes of lecture (followed by 10 minute break - perhaps repeat for a second hour). something exciting needs to happen at the 20 minute mark.
that is the way attention works.
clear ppt slides. so the students can:
- read the txt before class
- read the ppt before class
- listen in class and add notes to the ppt
- reread the ppt (with notes) after class
- reread the txt after class- revise txt and ppt before exam
- earn their A+
not:
- be told there isn't a txt / be told there is a txt but not be able to access the txt / be given the txt but have no place quiet to read the txt
- be given rushed ppt notes handed out in class to fill 10 minutes of class time
- not be able to hear anything the lecture says in class. spend the time puzzling over why the ppt notes don't make any sense and why the freaks can't manage to bring appropriate stationary or turn up on time or leave you the hell alone since the tutor is half assedly trying to teach
- be given hand drawn (traced if you are lucky) outlines of bones / bony landmarks that bear dubious relation to artist rendering / photos
- puzzle some more over why the lecture notes are so confusing
- find an appropriate txt in the library that covers the content that the lecturer is clearly aiming for
- not be able to read said txt because the students are running around the library squealing and poking and smiling and looking and kicking each other
- everyone gets their B in virtue of showing up for the test because people are equal didn't you know??degrees are earned either way.
shudder.
if you introduce group work then you can get the good students hauling the illiterate students through. the good students will do the work because they care about their grade. everyone gets a B+ or perhaps you give the ones who actually did the work an A-. NOt more than that. You woudln't want them getting a big head for the fact that they are the productive working ones. Everybody is equal didnt you know? Teamwork it is called. Pro-sociality. Everybody pulling together.
And those who balk have poor social skills. Clearly. Something is wrong with you you selfish bitch that you won't stay with us and do our work for us and look after us and lose yourself in us...
Shudder.
Is this why people shoot up schools?
It is hard to say how much is stereotyped because that is the way tv goes... But I do think that US students are much more stereotypical than Australiasian students. There are roles... Jock. Nerd. Emo. Etc. I remembered being surprised at that. At the start of the semester I was pretty sure I saw 'people' but nearer the end I was starting to see 'people in a social group / role'. We have that at high school. I thought University was an end to it... Wasn't in the US, though. There was a ... Reassortment or something from high school, though...
Is this why people shoot up schools?
I think there is something to be said for homeschooling. Depending on who you are, of course. Kids can be horrible and there is a sense in just leaving them to it to sort it out... And teh bullies get their way. And things that we surely don't actually value as a society (e.g., might is right) prevail.
I feel sick. The sooner I get away from here the sooner I'll be back to feeling sad for the kids who don't really have a chance. Instead of mad at those same kids for not giving me a chance.
I am grateful that things worked for me. Somewhere... Somehow... I think it was that I had a relationship (that I shouldn't have) with my High School teacher. It gave me a shot at Uni so I had confidence I could do it. I had quiet during the day. During the evening. Then having my own self contained space...
Here...
I've realized that my new place is going to feel cramped. And I don't understand how it can be appropriately ventilated. I don't understand how the bathroom can be ventilated because it doesn't have an outside wall / window... I thought that building restrictions dictated 2 doors between the toilet and the kitchen but clearly that isn't the case with studios... Please oh please oh please let the construction be relatively solid / let me get something like a corner with less neighbours etc etc etc.
I suspect it will be like my last place... Will take a couple years till I get one of the habitable rooms...
sigh.
why did they have to put the university in the city?
why can't the students who show that they are capable of utilizing quiet study space effectively be considered to have earned the right to utilize quiet study space effectively?
oh yeah. it is called 'graduate student study space'.
people don't really do second degrees or whatever anymore. or perhaps they never did. not without financial indepdendence.
what am i - crazy?
yes.
clearly.
what the hell else am i supposed to do?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2013, at 22:27:38
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 26, 2013, at 18:10:43
> I suppose I do have some security, in a sense, thinking that one day I will in fact have enough money coming in to have my very own place where I can lock the door and ignore the whole wide world. Without that dream... I suppose I really would despair. And... It isn't a winning the lottery kind of dream, even. It seems realistic. Sort of. Sometimes.
and that is now what i have.
and for that i am so f*ck*ng happy. i mean, really. so f*ck*ng happy. i'd be tempted to put it down as one of those 'basic standard of living things' if it wasn't for the fact that so many lack it
(that so many do not even want / need it)
...
?
so f*ck*ng happy.
indeed.
for me: minimal standard on basic quality of life.
i now have.
and i feel... lucky. which makes me sad. because i kinda feel (not at all in the spirit of 'always wanting more') that everyone who wants it should have.
Posted by Partlycloudy on December 3, 2013, at 10:22:53
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2013, at 22:27:38
I think feeling content is overrated. For me it's a hollow feeling. What now? What next? That was it? I *need* something to try to either whinge about or try to make better. That's how I am made up.
PC
Posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2013, at 17:04:09
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by Partlycloudy on December 3, 2013, at 10:22:53
> I think feeling content is overrated. For me it's a hollow feeling. What now? What next? That was it? I *need* something to try to either whinge about or try to make better. That's how I am made up.
I don't think that is contentment. I think that perhaps you get distracted from contentment. It is easy to get distracted from it. Marketing is all about persuading people that they would be happy if only they brought this product and the next product and the next product... I'm not even sure that a lot of people know what contentment is anymore.
For me... It is more of something that you find in the present moment. In a mindfulness or meditation exercise. Realizing that... It's okay. You have everything you need (right now in the present moment). Realizing that there might be things you think would make you feel happier (to scratch your nose). Realizing that even if you don't scratch your nose... It's okay. You have everything you need.
This is the end of the thread.
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