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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Faedra on December 15, 2007, at 23:57:29
I have been in therapy, but what's the use? Nothing changes! :( None of my relationships ever go anywhere.
I was just rejected by someone who I had *really* developed feelings for. Even though we only dated a few months, I was in love with him. He just didn't feel the same way about me (although he has said and shown me that he cares about me).
Everyone always tells me that I am "too nice." I can't help but be a people pleaser. Why does this make people reject me?! I know that people think that being "too nice" means you don't respect yourself, but hey...no one is perfect...so why can't I find someone who will love me as I am, even if I'm too nice and insecure?
I'm devastated and don't know what the point of going out with anyone is, because inevitably they will reject me for being insecure.
Posted by Faedra on December 16, 2007, at 0:22:37
In reply to Please talk to me, I need some support, posted by Faedra on December 15, 2007, at 23:57:29
I'm feeling down but I also feel angry. People tell me to accept myself as I am. They say "no one is perfect" and "you are too hard on yourself." But you know what? It's hard to accept myself when others don't accept me!!
Posted by Phillipa on December 16, 2007, at 12:04:29
In reply to P.S., posted by Faedra on December 16, 2007, at 0:22:37
I know what you mean as I try to please people all the time and when I have they get angry at me and I'm devastated. I just can't knowlingly be mean to people or assertive I always give in. Phillipa
Posted by Kath on December 16, 2007, at 17:47:21
In reply to Re: P.S. » Faedra, posted by Phillipa on December 16, 2007, at 12:04:29
Hey you two,
I can relate!
However, 4 years in CoDependents Anonymous helped me greatly.
I'm thinking of looking for an online meeting!
If we get hurt by being 'too nice' - that's not a good thing!!
Currently, I'm working with a counsellor on being less in the "I'M HERE FOR YOU" part of myself & being more in the "I'M HERE FOR MYSELF - what do I like; what makes me feel happy; what makes me feel strong" part of myself.
The other day in a gift shop, the owner came in & was talking to the clerk. The owner apologized to me because her eyes were all red & she was really upset. She said she'd just had to put her cat of 21 years to 'sleep' & was very upset. I instantly went into "Oh jeez - I've got to HELP this poor lady" mode. I went over to her, asked her if she'd like a hug, said I was so sorry, etc etc. Then as she left I asked her if she'd like some Rescue Remedy - I had some in my purse. Before she'd come in I had been telling the clerk (who had a cast on her broken wrist) about homeopathic medicine that helped me when i had a broken toe.
Nice behaviour? Weird behaviour? Blabbering on to total strangers! ANYway - I think the thing that was NOT okay about it was that I was right out of control....as if a switch had been turned on. And when I looked at it with the counsellor, I realized that it's DRAINING to be like that!
Anyway, here I am going on & on.
You're not alone.
luv, Kath
Posted by Justherself54 on December 21, 2007, at 9:27:25
In reply to CoDependency strikes again!, posted by Kath on December 16, 2007, at 17:47:21
> Hey you two,
>
> I can relate!
>
> However, 4 years in CoDependents Anonymous helped me greatly.
>
> I'm thinking of looking for an online meeting!
>
> If we get hurt by being 'too nice' - that's not a good thing!!
>
> Currently, I'm working with a counsellor on being less in the "I'M HERE FOR YOU" part of myself & being more in the "I'M HERE FOR MYSELF - what do I like; what makes me feel happy; what makes me feel strong" part of myself.
>
> The other day in a gift shop, the owner came in & was talking to the clerk. The owner apologized to me because her eyes were all red & she was really upset. She said she'd just had to put her cat of 21 years to 'sleep' & was very upset. I instantly went into "Oh jeez - I've got to HELP this poor lady" mode. I went over to her, asked her if she'd like a hug, said I was so sorry, etc etc. Then as she left I asked her if she'd like some Rescue Remedy - I had some in my purse. Before she'd come in I had been telling the clerk (who had a cast on her broken wrist) about homeopathic medicine that helped me when i had a broken toe.
>
> Nice behaviour? Weird behaviour? Blabbering on to total strangers! ANYway - I think the thing that was NOT okay about it was that I was right out of control....as if a switch had been turned on. And when I looked at it with the counsellor, I realized that it's DRAINING to be like that!
>
> Anyway, here I am going on & on.
>
> You're not alone.
>
> luv, Kath
Kath, I think your behaviour in the store was wonderful..I'm far from a people pleaser now and it took a lot of work, but what you did is exactly what I would have done..to me you simply showed wonderful compassion to someone, even though they were a stranger, who was going through a rough time..I recently went up north for a month to be with my friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer. Some of my friends thought being away for a month was extreme and asked why couldn't her family be with her..for some reason she wanted me to support her..people pleasing or compassion?
I think where we sometimes get into trouble when we please people is when we feel it should be reciprocated, and when it's not..that's when the devastation hits..when you do something for someone, do it without expecting in return..I accept the compassionate part of me as well as the part that has learned to say "no, not my problem".
Hope this makes sense..just having my morning java and not fully awake yet!
Posted by Phillipa on December 21, 2007, at 19:10:01
In reply to Re: CoDependency strikes again!, posted by Justherself54 on December 21, 2007, at 9:27:25
Excellent answer. Phillipa
Posted by Kath on December 21, 2007, at 21:40:26
In reply to Re: CoDependency strikes again!, posted by Justherself54 on December 21, 2007, at 9:27:25
I think that was wonderful of you to go if your friend wanted you!
The part that tells me I'm going over some kind of line that isn't good for me is when I feel sort of 'manic' or something. Or when I just feel like I have no choice in the matter. I don't very often have that thing about wanting others to reciprocate. I just sometimes feel very drained when I feel always "ON" to help people; solve their problems, etc.
hugs, Kath
Posted by Justherself54 on December 22, 2007, at 8:46:02
In reply to Re: CoDependency strikes again! » Justherself54, posted by Kath on December 21, 2007, at 21:40:26
> I think that was wonderful of you to go if your friend wanted you!
>
> The part that tells me I'm going over some kind of line that isn't good for me is when I feel sort of 'manic' or something. Or when I just feel like I have no choice in the matter. I don't very often have that thing about wanting others to reciprocate. I just sometimes feel very drained when I feel always "ON" to help people; solve their problems, etc.
>
> hugs, KathYes, I can relate to that..for some reason I'm the person a lot of my friend come to when they have problems..maybe I'm a good listener, I don't know..but it can be draining..it's hard to know where to draw the line when it comes to friends in crisis..I try to use the "common sense" approach..if a friend is having relationship problems, yet always returns to him, I just listen and support, yet not get too involved, cause I already know the outcome..if that makes any sense!
Hugs back to you!
Posted by Kath on December 22, 2007, at 18:52:22
In reply to Re: CoDependency strikes again!, posted by Justherself54 on December 22, 2007, at 8:46:02
> Yes, I can relate to that..for some reason I'm the person a lot of my friend come to when they have problems..maybe I'm a good listener, I don't know..but it can be draining..it's hard to know where to draw the line when it comes to friends in crisis..I try to use the "common sense" approach..if a friend is having relationship problems, yet always returns to him, I just listen and support, yet not get too involved, cause I already know the outcome..if that makes any sense!
>
> Hugs back to you!Yup, that makes sense. I think trying to remain detached is part of what helps me.
K
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