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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Will_Hung on May 11, 2004, at 23:25:25
Hi there all,
At the start of the year I became good friends with a girl of 18. I was aware when I first met her that she had various physical and mental illnesses, but having suffered with depression myself, decided not to judge her on it. We became friends, good ones, and we were also sexual partners for a while. The problem is that now, nearly a year on, this girl has created nothing but problems for me. Whenever she goes into a new situation she ends up antagonising someone and then goes running to other people with a distorted version of events. The end result is that wherever she goes, groups of people end up at each others' throats. She is always at the centre of it. On no less than three occasions now I have lost friends because of trying to sort out her problems.
Fact is, i've had enough. I want nothing more to do with her. The problem is though, i don't seem to be able to achieve this. Shortly before i realised what she was doing, i signed a contract to share a house with her next year. It's all or nothing with her - she's either my bosom buddy or my worst enemy. If she's my 'friend' then she's all over me, smothering me and dragging me into her problems, if she's my 'enemy' then she deliberately goes out of her way to cause problems for me and to try and make me look bad!
It turns out a lot of her physical illnesses are either faked or drastically exaggerated.What can i do about her? As a result of her actions this last year, nearly all our friends now are mutual ones, the few people who have put up with her behaviour or who don't know about the things she's done. I tried maintaining a cool friendship with her but that didn't work, as i found out she was going around behind my back giving a bad impression of me to our other friends. To make things worse, a lot of people don't believe what she's doing, they think i'm just being over-dramatic!
My main priority for next year is to make friends outside our current circle and to cut her out of my life as much as possible. I have devised a strategy to do this, and at the same time limit how much she hears about my day-to-day existence in the process. As I see it, if she knows nothing then she cannot make problems for me. My ultimate goal is to see her and treat her merely as an acquaintance; someone i can exist alongside without there being an uncomfortable atmosphere, while at the same time keeping her strongly at arms length. Basically my strategy is this:
1. I will not, under any circumstances, have sexual relations with her ever again, regardless of how lonely or depressed I may be at the time.
2. I will not allow her to hug, kiss or otherwise unnecessarily touch me unless it is completely unavoidable. If she forces herself upon me in a social setting then I will accept her behaviour but not reciprocate
3. I will do as much as possible to prevent her gaining information about me or my activities, be that through me or my friends. I will ensure, however that this does not involve my placing unreasonable demands on others and that it does not cause any detriment to my day-to-day life.
4. During holidays the only contact I will have with her will be out of necessity ie house stuff.
5. Any conversation with her will be functional only and any attempts to lead me into social exchange will be headed off.6. Any reference to past events between the two of us should be acknowledged and then the conversation swiftly moved on, with another member of the group if possible.
7. It is acceptable to share conversation with her as part of a group, as long as I am talking to the group over talking to her and am not drawn into direct friendly exchange with her.
8. It’s ok to borrow things from her as long as I return them as soon as I have finished with them. If I need to borrow anything more than 3 times then I really need to buy that item for myself.
What do you think of this as a plan? Is it workable? Do you think it is likely to produce the desired end results? I CAN get out of the contract, but it will mean living on my own. As someone who suffers with depression himself, i don't think it would be good to isolate myself. More to the point, why should I? I'm not giving up my friends because of her damaged brain! That said, if she really is impossible to deal with then I am prepared to bail out, 'cos that would give me pretty much complete freedom from her. I would seriously appreciate any feedback that you guys can offer me
Cheers
Will
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 11, 2004, at 23:52:06
In reply to Advice would be appreciated!, posted by Will_Hung on May 11, 2004, at 23:25:25
Will, this is just my opinion but if I were you I would get out of the contract and live alone or move someone else in later...I mean...what IF she cannot live up to your agreement and rules...can you go a year AS IS?
HUGS AND GOOD LUCK
Posted by finelinebob on May 11, 2004, at 23:56:09
In reply to Advice would be appreciated!, posted by Will_Hung on May 11, 2004, at 23:25:25
Any mixed messages -- that is, what SHE can perceive of as receptive at all even if you do not intend that -- is going to sabotage any efforts you make to separate.
Two quick examples:
Your Rule 2: if its "unavoidable", you will "accept" it? No means no. If you find physical contact unacceptable, then all physical contant is unacceptable and you should be clear about this at all times. I'm not saying throw a fit if she pushes you. Be clear. Be firm. Be polite. And if she keeps pushing you like this in a social situation, then leave. Accepting her advances is NOT a good way to tell her "no". If you do so in your common social group, you are just going to confuse everyone else as well, so any flames shared behind your back will be that much more believeable.
Your Rule 8: If you do not want anything from her, do not take anything from her.
If you can get out of your contract, do it. I'm guessing you're at college -- doesn't your school's housing office have a roommate matching service? Use it! Look for someone who needs a roommate, or post something yourself saying you are looking to share a new lease with someone. And don't think you need to accept the first offer that comes along -- make sure you're stepping into a situation you can be comfortable in.
Posted by TexasChic on May 12, 2004, at 9:58:10
In reply to Advice would be appreciated!, posted by Will_Hung on May 11, 2004, at 23:25:25
My advice would be to get out of that contract as soon as possible. Your rules are completely reasonable, but she isn't. She is clearly co-dependent, which means she will likely never adhere to the rules. I feel you are just setting yourself up for a bad situation. You shouldn't have to have that much hassle in your own home. Your home should be your haven. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Posted by 64bowtie on May 12, 2004, at 14:24:04
In reply to Advice would be appreciated!, posted by Will_Hung on May 11, 2004, at 23:25:25
Here 'tis...
Like everyone suggested to me when I first arrived last year, "Change your posting-name to avoid any misunderstandings or negative inferrences."
Rod
Posted by Will_Hung on May 12, 2004, at 15:52:23
In reply to Re: Advice would be appreciated! » Will_Hung, posted by 64bowtie on May 12, 2004, at 14:24:04
Hi again,
Further to my previous post, yes, i am indeed a college student. Note that the 'rules' are not something that the two of us have sat down and discussed; rather I sat down and drew them up with the help of a mutual friend who knows what she's like. I see your point that rules 2 and 8 need a little work for reasons that you've made very clear. To be honest though, i'm not sure that moving out would solve the problem; rather, the problem as I see it at the moment is that she's managed to invade every single nook and cranny of my existence and, in turn, damage it. She's like a virus. My biggest problem at the moment is not dealing with her presence, the 'rules' seem to do quite a good job of stopping her in her tracks; after all, if i'm polite yet non-friendly with her, how can she bad mouth me for it? My biggest problem is that all our friends are mutual ones. Tonight, for example, she's rounded up every single one of our friends and gone for a night out with them, leaving me on my own. This was all arranged under the pretence of it being a night out for her boyfriend, who leaves tomorrow. As i don't get on with the guy it was the perfect excuse to push me out. Thing is, moving out won't stop her doing these these things will it? If anything it may give her more control over me, because she'll see more of my friends than i do! Any thoughts??
Posted by finelinebob on May 12, 2004, at 16:13:47
In reply to Re: Advice would be appreciated!, posted by Will_Hung on May 12, 2004, at 15:52:23
Sounds like she already sees more of your friends than you do.
In a sense, there are two issues here: your relationship with her and your relationship with your other friends. If she has to be around for you to have a relationship with your other friends, then maybe you really have a relationship with her friends, one that she controls. If she's going to shut you out of outings with those mutual friends, then you aren't taking ownership of your own friendships.
I know this can be hard to do, but you need to start setting up activities between you and your friends without her being included. Not all of them at once ... call one or two to go to a movie, hit some restaurant for dinner, head out to a park to catch some sun -- whatever you'd want to do with them. I know it's hard from personal experience. I'd always figure they didn't want to do anything with me by myself, and my friends would always inform me how wrong I was by saying yes, being happy about it and enjoying it as much as me.
If you are worried about being isolated, it sounds like she has the power to isloate you when she wishes already. Living in the same place as her isn't going to change that. As hard as it is, you need to take control of your own friendships.
you CAN do it
flb
Posted by harryp on May 15, 2004, at 19:32:29
In reply to Advice would be appreciated!, posted by Will_Hung on May 11, 2004, at 23:25:25
Hate to say this, but your girlfriend is showing all the symptoms of poorly controlled borderline disorder. Lots of people with BPD are awesome, and can be unusually sensitive and compassionate. (I like to think I'm one of them. :-})
Unfortunately, some people with this condition just can't control themselves, and you will never succeed in getting them to change their behavior until they recognize it as a problem.
For the sake of your own mental health (and her well-being, too--sooner or later she'll wonder why she keeps losing boyfriends and possibly become motivated to try therapy) you DEFINITELY should axe this contract, and break up gently but firmly.
This will be difficult, and I guarantee she won't be the adult, so you have to be. Don't get angry, don't accept "I promise to change" (she can't change at will) and don't allow any ambiguity, like continuing to do things together and possibly making up. Out of desparation, she will definitely take advantage of you.
I understand your worries about being alone, but having a good therapist can help with that while you rebuild your social life. Your girlfriend means you no harm, but because of an illness she cannot yet control she will continue to have devastating effects on your personal life and mental health as long as you are in the relationship.
Hope this helps...
(It takes one to know one)
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