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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tina33 on May 9, 2004, at 16:32:16
For one reason or another, people abandon me. Yes it does come from parental issues that I completely understand after 2 years of therapy. It still happens. This time from a man who is leaving me because he did a mistake and is saying "I desreve better" because he has low self esteem and labels himself when he does wrong. HE is the "perfect" one for ME and expressed the same about me. I gave him green light to return and he did. But he didn't mention a word of "sorry" for abandoning me although he knows it's a BIG FAT NO NO to do with me and knows my history and pain from this issue.
Now, am I causing myself pain by having "certain" expectation of hearing "sorry"? Or is it my Ego? I'm 33 with a looooong history of really REALLY harsh circumstances. When will God cut me a break and I get to live life like other people who get love but they take it for granted?!! My gilfriends speak their mind and don't lose their men. In fact, they are botchy and insulting to their men but the guys stay. I am a person afraid to ask for anything lest people walk away.
Please HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP. The pain is unbearable that I wonder if I am a soul destined to live tormented and I beg God for death everyday because I am NOT suicidal like my mom.
Posted by octopusprime on May 9, 2004, at 17:20:03
In reply to My life theme: Constant abandonement, posted by Tina33 on May 9, 2004, at 16:32:16
Tina, i'm sorry to hear of your man troubles.
> Now, am I causing myself pain by having "certain" expectation of hearing "sorry"?
This. I think you need to have a discussion with your partner about it. Your partner may have honed in on the crisis at hand, he may have forgotten about your abandonment issues. He may have said sorry for his mistake and thought that covered everything.
I think it would help if you asked directly for the apology. Tell him how you felt when he left.
It concerns me if he's not apologizing for hurting your feelings. I hope you are in a relationship that is good for you.
> Please HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP. The pain is unbearable that I wonder if I am a soul destined to live tormented and I beg God for death everyday because I am NOT suicidal like my mom.
And this. I'm sorry you are hurting. I don't believe any of us are destined for torment. I sincerely hope you live to see a day where you don't want to die. I hope you have a supportive pdoc/therapist that can help you through these feelings.
If I were to talk to God on your behalf, I would ask for the strength and courage to lift yourself up. And for a sunny day, a walk on the beach, ice cream, something (anything!) to remind yourself why being in the world of the living is a good thing. keep posting.
Posted by TexasChic on May 10, 2004, at 16:02:09
In reply to My life theme: Constant abandonement, posted by Tina33 on May 9, 2004, at 16:32:16
I don't really have any answers for you, but your post hit a nerve with me and I thought I could at least say you're not alone. I've been doing alot of thinking on my life lately, and the theme is similar to yours. I've come to realize what a people pleaser I am. I do *everything* for people, and at my own expense. Then I'm constantly disappointed by these same people. Why can't they be as considerate of me as I am of them? Somehow I have to find a happy medium in all this.
I think you and I both have to let go of the fear of doing something to cause people to not like us. How you do that, I don't know. But its obviously the key. Like you said, your girlfriends speak their minds and the guys stay. I think I somehow communicate that its okay to treat me badly rather than standing up for myself. Its like I 'say' one thing, and expect another.
The most important thing I've learned from therapy is you can't change people, you can only change yourself. We can't make people be more considerate of us, but we can act differently so that people will respond to us differently. Does that make sense? I'm still trying to apply that to my life. Its not easy, but all I can do is keep trying.
Posted by Tina33 on May 10, 2004, at 16:12:22
In reply to Re: My life theme... Tina33, posted by TexasChic on May 10, 2004, at 16:02:09
Thank you Texas chic...
What you wrote brought something to my attention. Perhaps it is the "over doing to please" that we do, is exactly what creates "high expectations" in our minds. Maybe we should do until we stop at "normal" non-exhausting comfort level. This way, we don't have high expectations and thus less likely to be disappointed!!!
And maybe, just maybe, our over doing to please, makes people feel choiked and obligated without their ability or knowledge on how to give back, so they run away. In other words, our clinginess that is displayed in the form of over giving/doing is the exact same thing that drives people away and makes their brain go "Oh! Why is this person subconsciously trying to keep me around, then there must be a reason that I should run away and save my skin".
Thanks for your reply to my post. Your answer mirrored back to me the solution. God bless.
This is the end of the thread.
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