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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by waterfall on May 6, 2004, at 21:53:46
i usually post over on the med board, but this isn't really appropriate for that.
about a year ago I decided I wanted to go off all of my medication - Depakote, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Provigil (plus Klonipin and Ativan for occasional use). I was diagnosed BP in 1994 and hospitalized. After a couple of horrific years I managed the holy trinity of mental health care (car, job, apartment) and beyond! (promotion, marriage, grad school). Once "arrived," I doubted my diagnosis and didn't remember anymore who I was without the drugs - I started taking them at 22. It took 6 months and a lot of careful negotiation with my psych but in November of '03 I took the last of my cocktail and since then have been carefully monitoring my moods and still taking Klonipin and Ativan maybe 2-3 times a week (It is my eventual goal to be off all Rx but I'm just not there yet.).
I had a three-week period of mild euphoria in Feb-March and over the past several weeks have had more and more trouble with depression. A couple of days have been scary-bad (not suicidal, just that desperate, hopeless feeling where you are certain you are going to be miserable for the rest of your life). My Klonipin was two years old and I wanted a fresh script but with the anxiety, depression and euphoria I didn't want to go back to my psych as I'm still determined to give this going-off-my-meds-thing a try. So, I went to my regular doc and told him flat I wanted a Rx for the K and I didn't want to ask my psych for it because I thought she'd try to give me an anti-depressant with it. He wrote the script as a one-time thing. Now I feel guilty - I never went "behind her back" for anything, even though I haven't seen her in 6 months. I'm feeling fragile from the depression and so the guilt and anxiety has free reign with my psyche.
I miss my psych but at the same time I want to remain independent. She was my therapist for 10 years and her opinions on my mental health became mine and I really need to have separate opinions.
In any case, I know there isn't much to respond to in all this, but I just wanted to say it all out and have someone else hear it.
My only request for the universe is that there is no after-life. I'll stick it out through this life, but really, can we just call it quits with my death? My oh-so-shaministic friends are just horrified by that lol.
Posted by finelinebob on May 7, 2004, at 3:22:54
In reply to feeling guilty, feeling fragile, posted by waterfall on May 6, 2004, at 21:53:46
Well, if you don't want an afterlife, then "life" is even shorter, right? So screw the feelings of guilt!!
Just curious -- how have you been monitoring your moods? I mean, if I hadn't been on 8 or 10 different meds/cocktails before I found my current mix ... well, the altered state of mind I've been through and the radically different "me"s that came through, many of which thought I was normal at the time. I guess since I've never been normal, I just don't know how it should feel.
I did drop off my meds in December. No money. Thank goodness I had my therapist to bounce myself off of ... she got me back on them. It was the right thing for me -- YMMV. Can't say that I lost 6 months of my life because I went off my meds and started some serious backsliding. I learned a helluva lot from the experience.
But if you don't mind me butting in -- just knock off the guilt. You don't need it, right? If you can cut yourself that much slack, then you're probably fine going as you are. If you can't get rid of it, then listen to it ... maybe checking in with that doc wouldn't be such a bad idea.
cheers, flb
Posted by noa on May 7, 2004, at 18:32:32
In reply to Re: feeling guilty, feeling fragile, posted by finelinebob on May 7, 2004, at 3:22:54
Hi, FLB! Good to see you.
Posted by smokeymadison on May 8, 2004, at 19:11:59
In reply to Re: feeling guilty, feeling fragile » finelinebob, posted by noa on May 7, 2004, at 18:32:32
it is so nice to hear someone say that it might be nice not to have an afterlife. nobody seems to understand my wish for that to be true. everyone just assumes it is part of my depression.
This is the end of the thread.
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