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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lepus on November 25, 2003, at 17:56:19
I have been dealing with mood disorders for what seems to be my whole life. I started having anxiety attacks when I was 11. I went into therapy and started taking imiprimine and life was pretty good until age 16. At that time I smoked a joint and it was laced with something I think. I ended up having a bit of a psychotic break (huge panic, thinking my head was a balloon, derealization, etc). Since then it seems all I have been doing is trying to get a life and to get my brain figured out. I went on a lot of meds after the incident with the joint. I have been on TCAs, SSRIs, benzos, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, basically everything with little or no relief. They all seem to make me so sleepy and not functional. Since 16 I have been in and out of school and jobs. I have been on disability. I managed to complete an AA, but only in general studies so it is basically like I just finished two more years of high school. I've been to 4 year colleges but the depression or something always creeps up and I never finish. The last time I quit I was 27 and ended up trying to kill myself. I think part of that was due to Effexor and part of it was just losing hope. I wish it had worked.
But on to now, I am 29. I had about a year of stability where I was able to hold a job and was in a relationship. The relationship ended and now it looks like the job will be as well. I moved to my own apartment after living with my gf. I thought I would continue to do okay but I was wrong. I stopped being able to get up for work. When I did get up for work and go I started getting panic attacks about coming home to the apartment alone. Then on the weekends I would be so alone I would start thinking of suicide. I got into therapy but it just didn't help fast enough to get me out this downward slide. I started meditation, again some help but not enough. I am now on a leave of absence from work and on Lamictal. I don't have much leave left from work and honestly don't know how I am going to get back there. I was promoted but haven't been there much since that time to really learn my new job. There are a ton of additional stressors like my father had a heart attack and my brother might be getting divorced. I have lost 20lbs since moving out on my own and the thought of going back to my apartment (I am staying with my parents right now) scares me. Being alone scares me and daily tasks seem to overwhelm me. The depression and panic just crept in while I thought I was doing fine and excited to be out on my own. I don't know where to go from here. Do I move back home and try to restabilize myself again before going back out into the real world or do I try to get back to work and live on my own? I know no one really in the city my apartment is in. Oh God, help I just feel so lost and like my life is doomed to be working at unfulfilling jobs or lost in my mind forever and always living with my parents until they are gone. I don't know what is wrong with me and I don't know how to get better. Some days I feel like I could go back to work but other days I can't get out of bed! What is left for me? Where do I go from here? I am running out of money, time, hope for a better future...everything! I am in debt from my attempts at school and credit cards. Medicines don't help and I can't seem to help myself. I don't know why I had to have a year where I saw the light at the end of the tunnel only to have it go out once I reached it. I just don't see any life left for me. I feel weak that I haven't been able to get back to this job which is the longest one I have ever held at 9 months! So pathetic for my age!
So, do I give up my apartment and job and move back home and get myself into some intensive therapy or do I try to work it out at the job and at the apartment? I just do not know what to do or what I am even capable of anymore. I feel alone and like no one understands what a waste my life has been. All my dreams seem to be gone, school, love life, friends, being independent. I was very intelligent and went to top colleges and it just all seems gone. What do you do when all your dreams are gone and you are stuck with the prospect of working at dead end jobs you don't enjoy? Everything I try I fail at. Yeah, I know that is black and white thinking but it is also true!
Sorry this is so long, I just had to get it out and see if there is anyone with a story like mine who maybe crawled out of this hell and found a life. I wish I could. Any ideas? Yes, I am in therapy and seeing a pdoc.
Posted by Elle2021 on November 26, 2003, at 5:41:35
In reply to support needed/hope/my story, posted by lepus on November 25, 2003, at 17:56:19
I have been in that situation. My advice to you is to move back home without quitting your job. Trust me, when you feel this depressed, you NEED something to do with your time as a distraction. I used to have terrible anxiety about coming home to an empty apartment. I had 3 cats that kept me company who I loved very much (and would have been extremely depressed without), but they didn't really take the place of good old human stimulation. I spent most of the time on the phone with my mother...so finally when my roommate (who was barely ever there anyway) moved out on me WITHOUT notice, I was forced to move home. I quit my job shortly after moving home, but now I wish that I hadn't. I am doing much better now, seeing a pdoc and on meds. I'm even thinking of moving out again, but there are still somethings I need to get straightened out first, like getting a new job and finishing college. God bless you.
Elle
Posted by Poet on November 26, 2003, at 9:42:51
In reply to support needed/hope/my story, posted by lepus on November 25, 2003, at 17:56:19
Hi Lepus,
My therapist keeps reminding me that I'm not a failure because I keep on trying no matter how hurt I am.
I think you're like that, too, even though your jobs don't last years, you keep going for them. The same thing with school, you keep trying.
I understand the feeling that the light at the end of the tunnel always goes out just before you reach it. Most of the time I think my tunnel caved in and I'm trapped forever.
I'm trying to tell myself when failure mode kicks in that self esteem has to come from within and the perfect job won't give it to me.
A brief history: I have a four year degree, am finishing a certificate program in the field I wish I worked in. For nine years, I had what I thought was the perfect job and I got canned by the new owners of the company for no reason. I took what I consider a temp job with benefits four years ago and am sitting in that dark tunnel trying to dig my way out. It's a slow dig, but I'm not giving up.
Poet
Posted by lepus on November 26, 2003, at 14:32:28
In reply to Re: support needed/hope/my story » lepus, posted by Elle2021 on November 26, 2003, at 5:41:35
Thank you all for your advice and support. I wish I could keep this job and go back home but unfortunately the job and my parent's house are two hours apart. I have to choose one or the other. At this point it looks like I will be choosing leaving the job and coming back home (again!!) and hoping that this time maybe I will get the help I need to make it out on my own forever next time. I don't have a lot of hope but maybe someday.
It is just so overwhelming. I thought I was finally free and doing so well and now here I am again, no job, back on disability and living with my parents. With every year that this goes on I begin to lose more and more hope that I will ever have a normal life. I guess I have to redefine "normal". I had so many hopes and dreams and was so ambitious and it just kills me to see those dreams end.
I don't even really know at this point what will help me in terms of therapy and meds. It seems I have been through them all. I think I will try DBT therapy as I have been told in the past I have borderline traits. I guess with this most recent failure those traits have become more full blown and maybe I really do have full blown BPD since all this seemed to have spiralled out of control after my relationship break up.
I just wish I could find some hope for me. I feel doomed.
Posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 18:34:43
In reply to Re: support needed/hope/my story, posted by lepus on November 26, 2003, at 14:32:28
DBT is really good stuff. Good luck to you!
This is the end of the thread.
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