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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deafmom on November 10, 2003, at 18:54:18
I have DID/MPD. I'm a multiple. (I also have psychotic depression, BPD, Avoidant PD, PTSD), so I'm a mess. Oh, yeah. And I'm deaf. My deafness was caused by self-harm. It is permanent and it is total. I hear nothing but the voices inside my head. I've learned sign language, but no one out there who sees me realizes that two alters deafened and tried to blind my body.
Halloween was a pill. Terrible flashbacks and abreactions. If that wasn't enough, my father's birthday was one week later and I learned terrible things associated with his birthday through even more flashbacks and an abreaction.
What makes things even worse is that Im losing so much time I'm losing my life.I can't have a decent conversation with another signer because I lose time and then can't follow the conversation. I can't say, "Oh, sorry. I dissociated for a minute." It happens so frequently that I simply look crazy (and feel it, too). Ten of my waking hours gone today. Don't know what happened. Don't know what (or even if) my kids ate lunch. Haven't a clue of anything.
I feel so useless. So worthless. I can't be intimate with my husband. When I am forward, all I want to do is sleep or stare into space. I can't communicate well (I can't lipread) and I have zero friends. So I'm completely isolated. So much so that I don't leave my house except to see my therapist.
I'm worthless. I'm losing my life...but it's a life I don't really want to live. How do I find meaning and purpose in myself if I can't even BE myself?
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 10, 2003, at 21:02:39
In reply to I'm a Multiple and I'm Losing My Life!, posted by Deafmom on November 10, 2003, at 18:54:18
Hey Deafmom,
I'm a multiple too. DID/MPD, Gender Identity Disorder, Borderline, and Bipolar 1. Like you, I guess I'm a bit of a mess. I know how hard it is. I lost my marriage, My parents and brothers refuse to accept what's going on, and consequently are absolutely no help at all.
I have two daughters who are great kids. The older one though, believes the divorce is my fault, and blames me for breaking up the family.
I want to say that everything gets better, but I'm not there yet myself. I have a very good friend who told me tonight that it will get better, and that life may be worth living. I want very much to believe her; sometimes though, that is an awful hard thing to believe.
The part that I do believe is that I am me. There's no other me to be. All of us, together, make that I. The conversations go on inside, and we are all parts, but we = me. Flip it over, and you've got me = we. I think that most of the ones that I know of inside have come to agree with that, they know they aren't alone, and that was the first part. I guess the point is that you're not losing your life at all; it's just being remembered by your alters, and when you learn to communicate with them better, you'll have access to everything that you want to remember. Do you have times when an alter tells you something you didn't yet know?
This friend of mine, She has this habbit now of knowing who to talk to inside to sort of twist my arm. She gangs up on me, using my alters to gang up on me. It's good to have someone that close, but the scary part is that I don't want to disappoint her.
Anyway, I'm glad you're here, and that there's another multiple to talk to. It's a very hard road, so I think it's good to have someone else to talk to.
I once took an ASL course, but haven't used it. I still have the books. Who knows, maybe we'll meet someday and I'll get to use it.
Dee.
Posted by Deafmom on November 11, 2003, at 8:38:27
In reply to Re: I'm a Multiple and I'm Losing My Life!, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 10, 2003, at 21:02:39
deirdrehbrt,
Thanks for your reply. It sounds like we have some similarities, as I'm sure all multiples do. You asked if I ever have times when my alters tell me things I don't know. All the time. The flashbacks, abreactions, and the "bad pictures" in my head are way they do it. I'll remember something and think it was no big deal and then my alters will start telling me that there's more to the story than I remember and then things just start flooding. I'm just so unhappy. I don't like it when people tell me it's going to get better. It's like I can't believe it or I won't believe it. Anyway, nice to meet you. :o)
Posted by judy1 on November 11, 2003, at 11:51:46
In reply to I'm a Multiple and I'm Losing My Life!, posted by Deafmom on November 10, 2003, at 18:54:18
I can understand your feelings of hopelessness, but I'm sure as your therapist has told you- you are a survivor and the things you had to do to survive (like having alters) just shows how strong that sense of survival is. It sounds like you would benefit from being around people who have had the same experiences as you- are there any groups that your therapist can suggest that has someone available to sign for you? Are you on any type of government assistance? If so, then there are agencies that will provide help with having someone to help communicate for you. Ask your therapist to help you with ways to stay grounded, I've learned some methods that help me lose less time (and I used to dissociate a great deal). I wish you all the best- judy
Posted by horridmonster on November 11, 2003, at 13:17:27
In reply to I'm a Multiple and I'm Losing My Life!, posted by Deafmom on November 10, 2003, at 18:54:18
dear deafmom - so much in your post hit me big time - you are going through so much. One of your experiences would be enough to floor most people. It seems like perhaps your deafness occurred in your adult life (?) That you are probably NOT part of the oftentimes tightknit deaf community and yet you aren't hearing and so are not fuly part of the hearing community. That is a lot to deal with right there.
What you wrote about being a multiple was so clear and well communicated - I know so very little about this and yet you gave me an idea of the hell that is your world and of your pain - do you write professionally?
It sounds like your husband is staying with you through this? Have the two of you talked about the intamicy issue? Have you shown him your post?
And bravo that you are getting out of the house to get to therapy. That is huge.
my heart goes out to you. I don't often post - it scares me a bit - your post just really hit me - please keep writing - weather it's posts, or letters to your kids, or ....anything. You are not worthless - and you just touched at least one complete stranger. Thank you for your post.
-Horrid Monster
Posted by Deafmom on November 11, 2003, at 16:48:05
In reply to Re: I'm a Multiple and I'm Losing My Life! » Deafmom, posted by judy1 on November 11, 2003, at 11:51:46
Hi, Judy. Thanks for your post. In regard to finding a group where sign is available...no. Nothing around here for that. Therapy, yes. In-patient, yes. Other support groups, no. They claim lack of funds and there is not government help for that specifically.
I'm at an agency that has been wonderful. I was in a DBT group for a while, but was dissociating too much and upsetting the other group members. Maybe when I learn to control it better. For now, it's just my therapist and me.
Posted by Deafmom on November 11, 2003, at 17:08:59
In reply to Re: I'm a Multiple and I'm Losing My Life!, posted by horridmonster on November 11, 2003, at 13:17:27
What a wonderful post. Thank you for that encouragement. You are right pertaining to your first paragraph. I am stuck between two worlds. Deaf people don't accept me because I'm culturally hearing and hearing people don't accept me because they're scared of intimidated by the unknown. Plus, because I cannot lipread, if people can't sign (which most can't), most people are in a hurry and don't want to have to write things down. I always get the summary. I just don't want to be around people anymore. I'm always getting hurt.
I'm glad that you felt I expressed myself well. I am a freelance writer, but my mind's been so fried lately, I've done very little work. Mostly things like Survivorship newsletter and such. My husband has stuck with me. And believe me, plenty of people have told me how lucky I am to have a man stay with me after all I've put them through. Geez, you'd think I was an ogre. He's no saint, but I guess in perspective (deafness, three high risk pregnacies, two premature babies, shock treatments, 20 hospitalizations, psychosis, and now DID) I must look pretty bad. But I don't think anyone knows everything about what's happening with us. I surely don't advertise my mental problems. So that's even more sad when they say, "Wow, sure are lucky he stuck around."
The intimacy thing...well...I have an alter that "takes care" of that. But even then it's not a lot. I feel very sitant from everything right now and it's hard to feel so alone and then be expected to be lovey dovey that same evening.
I appreciated your post. Thanks. :o)
> dear deafmom - so much in your post hit me big >time - you are going through so much. One of >your experiences would be enough to floor most >people. It seems like perhaps your deafness occurred in your adult life (?) That you are probably NOT part of the oftentimes tightknit deaf community and yet you aren't hearing and so are not fuly part of the hearing community. That is a lot to deal with right there.
>
> What you wrote about being a multiple was so clear and well communicated - I know so very little about this and yet you gave me an idea of the hell that is your world and of your pain - do you write professionally?
>
> It sounds like your husband is staying with you through this? Have the two of you talked about the intamicy issue? Have you shown him your post?
>
> And bravo that you are getting out of the house to get to therapy. That is huge.
>
> my heart goes out to you. I don't often post - it scares me a bit - your post just really hit me - please keep writing - weather it's posts, or letters to your kids, or ....anything. You are not worthless - and you just touched at least one complete stranger. Thank you for your post.
> -Horrid Monster
Posted by horridmonster on November 11, 2003, at 20:24:46
In reply to Re: I'm a Multiple and I'm Losing My Life!, posted by Deafmom on November 11, 2003, at 17:08:59
If people tell you that you're lucky that your husband is staying with you then they are missing the fact that he is staying because he wants to be with you - maybe he's the lucky one. Just a thought. Not that one of you is lucky or not lucky.
>What a wonderful post. Thank you for that encouragement. You are right pertaining to your first paragraph. I am stuck between two worlds. Deaf people don't accept me because I'm culturally hearing and hearing people don't accept me because they're scared of intimidated by the unknown. Plus, because I cannot lipread, if people can't sign (which most can't), most people are in a hurry and don't want to have to write things down. I always get the summary. I just don't want to be around people anymore. I'm always getting hurt.
>
> I'm glad that you felt I expressed myself well. I am a freelance writer, but my mind's been so fried lately, I've done very little work. Mostly things like Survivorship newsletter and such. My husband has stuck with me. And believe me, plenty of people have told me how lucky I am to have a man stay with me after all I've put them through. Geez, you'd think I was an ogre. He's no saint, but I guess in perspective (deafness, three high risk pregnacies, two premature babies, shock treatments, 20 hospitalizations, psychosis, and now DID) I must look pretty bad. But I don't think anyone knows everything about what's happening with us. I surely don't advertise my mental problems. So that's even more sad when they say, "Wow, sure are lucky he stuck around."
>
> The intimacy thing...well...I have an alter that "takes care" of that. But even then it's not a lot. I feel very sitant from everything right now and it's hard to feel so alone and then be expected to be lovey dovey that same evening.
>
> I appreciated your post. Thanks. :o)
>
> > dear deafmom - so much in your post hit me big >time - you are going through so much. One of >your experiences would be enough to floor most >people. It seems like perhaps your deafness occurred in your adult life (?) That you are probably NOT part of the oftentimes tightknit deaf community and yet you aren't hearing and so are not fuly part of the hearing community. That is a lot to deal with right there.
> >
> > What you wrote about being a multiple was so clear and well communicated - I know so very little about this and yet you gave me an idea of the hell that is your world and of your pain - do you write professionally?
> >
> > It sounds like your husband is staying with you through this? Have the two of you talked about the intamicy issue? Have you shown him your post?
> >
> > And bravo that you are getting out of the house to get to therapy. That is huge.
> >
> > my heart goes out to you. I don't often post - it scares me a bit - your post just really hit me - please keep writing - weather it's posts, or letters to your kids, or ....anything. You are not worthless - and you just touched at least one complete stranger. Thank you for your post.
> > -Horrid Monster
This is the end of the thread.
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