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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on October 31, 2003, at 23:51:29
Today, Nov 1, is All Saint's Day, in the Catholic Church. It's ironic that it is also the birthday of my brother.
It has only been during the past two years that I have considered that I was abused at all. My brother was one of those who abused me.
I have always sent a card, or phoned all of my brothers, (I have three) on their birthdays. One of them is as supportive as anyone in my family could be, while the others were abusive in the past, and are unsuportive or hostile now.
It is hard for me to realize that for me, my family is completely fractured and unreliable if not hostile. It is difficult to break a lifelong habit of observing the important days of my siblings.
It's also hard to realize on days like this that in order to be healthy, I need to break certain traditions that hold me connected to people it is unhealthy to be around. So, I need now to break ties with my brother, or sever a connection to an abuser. I guess I need to mourn the first while embracing the second.
Now is good practice, I think, for the very near holidays. It is going to be very difficult to tell these people that I will not be there. I'll have a special time with my kids, but I can't be around people who are likely to hurt me.
Maybe there should be another group somewhere.... let's see.... Adult Orphans of Abusive Families.... AOAF ... AOAf? I'm sure that a name will arise.
So, Happy All Saint's Day, and good riddance to those who might have, or might still, hurt us.
Dee.
Posted by Elle2021 on November 1, 2003, at 2:51:56
In reply to Abusive Brother's birthday, posted by deirdrehbrt on October 31, 2003, at 23:51:29
Are you sure you want to write him off completely? Elle
Posted by Dinah on November 1, 2003, at 5:29:39
In reply to Abusive Brother's birthday, posted by deirdrehbrt on October 31, 2003, at 23:51:29
Are you sad about that?
I have one brother. To be honest, when my parents are gone I don't suppose we'll ever see each other again. Maybe the occasional call. Maybe not. And he never really did anything to me. We just have nothing in common, and not much to say beyond the basic niceties.
I think it's pretty normal to want to distance yourself from people who cause you pain. Just because they happened to have the same parents is no reason not to.
Or perhaps I have a completely skewed and unhealthy view of sibling relationships.
Posted by Nansun58 on November 1, 2003, at 16:34:17
In reply to Abusive Brother's birthday, posted by deirdrehbrt on October 31, 2003, at 23:51:29
It's a good thing that you are taking care of yourself. It's as if there has been a rock that has kept falling on your foot. Now you have found a way to stop that rock for hurting your foot. Remember that taking care of yourself is a good thing. Hard as it may be to do.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 1, 2003, at 18:39:00
In reply to Re: Abusive Brother's birthday, posted by Nansun58 on November 1, 2003, at 16:34:17
Dinah, Nansun,
Thank you both for your words of encouragement. It's amazing, isn't it, that stepping away from pain can itself be painful. It's much easier with kind people like yourselves helping you along.
Dee.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 2, 2003, at 7:52:34
In reply to Re: Abusive Brother's birthday, posted by Elle2021 on November 1, 2003, at 2:51:56
Elle,
I don't know if it's a matter of me writing Him off, or if it's more a matter of letting him pretend that I don't exist. Aside from not wanting to admit the reality of my situation, my family wants me to continue to play the role that they feel I ought to. Having done that for so many years, I find myself very tired.
I would never completely write anyone off. If someone came to me, and wished to accept me for whom I am, I would welcome them back into my life without hesitation. If, however, they came to me still pressing their agenda, still wanting me to be who they think I sould be, I cannot expend that energy anymore. I need to be me, and the acting must be left for the stage.
One of my brothers wrote me an e-mail and stated that to him, I am already dead. If that is how he truly feels, then it is much easier to allow him that fantasy than it is to constantly try to get him to see the reality of my situation.
I certainly wish things were different, but I believe that it is my family who has written the text of that relationship. I will let them have their idea of family unsullied by my presence, and I will live my own life, apart from them. True, it's sad, but I would rather live my life, on my own terms, than to constantly find myself on the edge of suicide.
If I owe anyone anything, it's my kids. I know they love their uncles. I don't do anything to keep them apart. When they talk to me thoug, I sometimes need to correct the ideas of the facts that they have heard.
Well, I don't want to go on all day, so Happy Sunday to all.
Dee.
Posted by judy1 on November 2, 2003, at 9:46:16
In reply to Re: Abusive Brother's birthday » Elle2021, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 2, 2003, at 7:52:34
Did your therapist recommend you confront your brother about the past? Does it make you uncomfortable to do so? Finally, are you comfortable allowing your children to be with the brother who abused you , or is this not an issue. Personally, I never had the opportunity to confront my abuser (he's dead), but I don't know if I would have been able to. Nobody in my family talks about what happened in childhood, it's like one mass denial. So I just go along with it, and really don't see everyone that often. I wish you well in whatever you decide- judy
Posted by deirdrehbrt on November 2, 2003, at 22:15:24
In reply to Re: Abusive Brother's birthday » Elle2021, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 2, 2003, at 7:52:34
It must be so hard for you to walk away from your family, but I do believe that you have to be you. If they can't accept who you really are, then you need to be true to yourself and walk away.
Your family is supposed to stand by you no matter what. But sometimes they don't. And that is so painful.
Your friends love you.
Posted by Elle2021 on November 3, 2003, at 4:32:07
In reply to Re: Abusive Brother's birthday » Elle2021, posted by deirdrehbrt on November 2, 2003, at 7:52:34
Dee,
I can understand what your saying. It's very kind and mature of you not to deprive your children of their uncles. All you can do is be the best person you can be and try to help your family to understand whats going on with you. If they refuse to be supportive, then don't discuss it with them...thats what I do anyway. You seem like a really nice person, I hope things work out well for you.
Elle
This is the end of the thread.
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