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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Alara on March 10, 2003, at 5:29:52
A colleague of mine and her shadow decided that it would be a good thing to leave me out of all conversations, to pick on my work, and to gossip about me behind my back. I'm sure that most of the other people in the office can see through her tactics but the truth is that I'm very, very sensitive and it hurts. I want to confront her, to ask what it is that I have done to offend her, and yet I suspect that she'll deny everything that is going on and then spread rumours that I've gone all paranoid. One of my coworkers admitted to me that she can see this other girl's tactics but is too worried about preserving her own welfare to say anything. (Fair enough.)
How do you confront insensitive people without jeopardising your own reputation? I've done nothing to deserve this treatment and am feeling increasingly demoralised each day, in spite of all my hard work and friendly attitude.
It's literally driving me nuts. I have feelings of rage and anger that are totally uncharacteristic of me. I come home every night after 11 hours of work with a burning stomach and a head that feels as though it's been put through a vice!
Vent Vent!
Alara
Posted by beardedlady on March 10, 2003, at 7:57:53
In reply to How do you deal with workplace bullying?, posted by Alara on March 10, 2003, at 5:29:52
The thing about bullies is that they are insecure themselves. They make themselves feel better by making others feel insecure.
If you tell them they have hurt your feelings, you might face worse behavior from them.
Can you befriend other coworkers, just for a chat, some light conversation at work? Can you work with a smile on your face? Can you pretend that they aren't doing this, and speak to them as you normally would?
When bullies realize they can't bully or that others are not insecure (even if they are), they usually find a new hobby.
My advice (take it or leave it; I've never been a bully or a bully's prey, but I have rescued others from bullies) is to ignore their whispers and pretend nothing's going on--at least for a couple of days. See what happens.
Good luck. Oh, as for what to do when you get home from work--do you have a Goodwill? I do mosaics, so I buy lots of plates from there for 10 cents to a buck. When I am angry, I throw some dinnerware in the basement (ceramic is easier to clean up than glass, though glass makes a nicer noise).
beardy : )>
P.S. Actually, this did happen to me once when I was in graduate school and working as a secretary. Two much-younger (and dim) secretaries in my office started going to lunch together and excluding me, left me out of their conversations, etc. I ignored them, acted like I didn't need them to make me happy, and they got bored with it--and with each other--after about two weeks.
Posted by bluedog on March 10, 2003, at 10:46:23
In reply to How do you deal with workplace bullying?, posted by Alara on March 10, 2003, at 5:29:52
Hi Alara
I really feel for you!!!
I have been bullied in the workplace. The sooner you act the less impact it is going to have on your health. Here's my tips for dealing with bullying in the workplace:-
1. Buy yourself a little diary and record the date, time and circumstances of EVERY bulling incident no matter how petty it may seem to you. Lots of petty incidents can add up to one big case. Record each incident as SOON as possible after the incident while it is still fresh in your mind. Be an absolute perfectionist in keeping your diary up to date but DO NOT let the perpertrators know that you are keeping a diary. You need to take them by surprise when you have built up a case against them.
2. As you live in Australia I would ring up the ACTU Bullying helpline for more tips and advice. The telephone number in Australia is 1300 362 223.
3. If you have a Union in your industry become a member ASAP. They can provide you with invaluable support and can even provide you with professional representation if you decide to take the next step of lodging a formal complaint with your senior management or with your Head Office. Your employer actually has a legal obligation to protect you from bullying.
4. If the bullying is affecting your health RUN to your doctor each time you are bullied and descibe in detail what has happened and the symptoms you are experiencing as a result of the bulling eg anxiety,stress,depression, paranoia etc etc. Medical evidence and backup is absolutely essential if you decide to go all the way and lodge a formal complaint or a workers compensation claim.
5. Here's a link to some info on bullying produced by Australia's largest public sector union ..the CPSU:-
http://www.cpsucsa.asn.au/Ezines/dnotes/worktips.htm
6. Here's some general links on bullying that will assist you greatly in understanding the process and dynamics of bulling and also provides tips on how to protect yourself:-
http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/bully/amibeing.htm
http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/bully/bully.htm
http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/bully/standup.htm
http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/bully/harass.htm
http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/bully/serial.htm7. Don't let them get to you as hard as this sounds. TAKE COMFORT from the fact that you are building up a case against your bullies which will eventually slam dunk them.
BELIEVE me...I took the above steps and I succeeded in getting bullying from my management to stop almost instantly when they were confronted with the overwhelming written and medical evidence I had against them. In fact they went from being exrtremely smug to becoming frightened of legal actin and completely crumbled under the weight of evidence I had against them almost immediately. They were completely flabergasted that I had such detailed records of their behaviour and this took them completely by surprise.
Be patient, be fastidious and be smarter than your bullies to stop them in their tracks.
Hope the above helps a little.
Thinking of you and let me know how you go.
My warmest regards
bluedog
Posted by jay on March 10, 2003, at 11:56:24
In reply to How do you deal with workplace bullying?, posted by Alara on March 10, 2003, at 5:29:52
Alara:Ok..check this out: The Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute at: http://bullyinginstitute.org/
Also: http://www.workplacebullying.com/
and
http://www.workplacebullying.co.uk/These have great tips, your rights, examples, and support. (As well as books you can get.)
You don't have to live with it, and shouldn't as it all can just lead to a downward spiral. Check out, read, as *much* as you can. I have personally found drawing up a "Diplomatic Peace Plan" (something our world leaders should learn how to do..sorry..heh..;-) and approaching your co-workers with both your interests, but also deep diplomacy to be a sollution. It takes time..and a lot of work. Please report back when you can..how things are going.
Best..:-)
Jay
Posted by beardedlady on March 10, 2003, at 12:11:39
In reply to Re: How do you deal with workplace bullying? » Alara, posted by bluedog on March 10, 2003, at 10:46:23
I had no idea there was so much legal action surrounding bullying. : (>
Posted by fayeroe on March 10, 2003, at 14:50:12
In reply to Oh, my! Don't I feel dumb. » bluedog, posted by beardedlady on March 10, 2003, at 12:11:39
i had a really cool job in a hospital that i loved....but after about one month, i noticed that i really didn't fit in with the group that i worked with. for one thing, i'm 59 and everyone else was quite a bit younger than me. we also dressed very differently. i was very conservative and they mostly looked like j.lo imitations!! soon the little snide things started.......i ignored it. i knew that the patients appreciated me and i knew that i had a very good relationship with the medical staff....but it grew and grew. at christmas they went out of their way to embarrass me and leave me out of the "group" discussions........long story short...a marvelous lie was concocted and i was fired. Oklahoma has an "at will" firing policy and there doesn't have to be a reason for the firing........BUT, i had copied the job description one day, when bored, and put it in my backpack. AND i have never done anything like that before...so here i am fired..and hurt and angry and broke. well, one of the ER docs that liked me called and told me that he knew why i took the job description!! so...i revised it, added to it and took it to the private hospital and will now be running their program in the Emergency Department! AND at more money than all of those twits make!! Now i know that life doesn't always turn out this way but isn't it sweet when it does??????? Pat
Posted by paxvox on March 10, 2003, at 14:57:45
In reply to How do you deal with workplace bullying?, posted by Alara on March 10, 2003, at 5:29:52
Having read through the other posts to follow up your message, I found I agreed with most of what was said. Bullying has dramatic pyscho-social implication to both the bully and his/her victim. In "life" when I was a scrawny teenager, I was bullied by this one fellow for months. He was stonger and bigger than I was. Even if I had the courage to fight back, I would have gotten whipped. However, what I did do, I think, would apply to just about any instance of bullying. It has some inherent risk, but is better than just letting the crap continue. Your response is simple to do, just HARD TO DO. That it is work-place environment makes your solution easier. Here is the answer:
Stand your ground and demand that the person immediately desist from the bully behavior or you will go to the boss to file a harassment charge. Your employer (at least in the U.S.) is charged with providing a hostile work environment. As a matter of fact, it is Federal law in the U.S. Tell the bully EXACTLY what he/she is doing SPECIFICALLY, then go to your boss and tell him/her exactly what you told the bully, and that you are making a formal complaint against him/her. By so doing, you have laid the burden of protection on your employer. It is an old adage, but a bully WILL bully you UNTIL you stand up and say ENOUGH! They will not stop because it is no longer fun no matter how long you ignore it. Until you make a stand, you will ALWAYS be a target. Once you have said "STOP!", you have drawn the line. You may think this makes you weak, or a sissy etc....On the contrary, it takes boldness and courage to make a stand on this or any issue. You cannot lose unless you play his/her game by exchanging words or physical blows. Then you both lose (your job in many instances). Remain civil, but be firm, direct and to the point. "Hey you! I've had ALL I'm going to take from you about this! You either stop RIGHT NOW, or I'm going staight to the boss to file a complaint against you!". There, it's that simple. Now don't delay another day. DO IT the very next time the snake opens its mouth. Hope this helps, I'm pretty sure it WILL work.PAX
Posted by noa on March 10, 2003, at 18:19:14
In reply to Re: bullies » Alara, posted by beardedlady on March 10, 2003, at 7:57:53
Alara, here is a site (there are many, although most deal with kids and schools) that you might find to be a good source of info/ideas of how to handle this.
http://www.successunlimited.co.uk/bully/bully.htm
You're right about how complex it can be in thinking of how to handle it. Is she someone who will own up to her behavior and change it if you talk to her? If not, there might be a better way to handle it than direct confrontation.
I have had to "harden" myself and not react with so much hurt to certain things from certain co-workers. It is hard to do. And I had to learn the hard way, by going back for more and more until I realized the person won't change, I just have to get more savvy. Very hard to do, but necessary sometimes.
So sorry you are experiencing this.
Posted by noa on March 10, 2003, at 18:31:03
In reply to Re: bullies, posted by noa on March 10, 2003, at 18:19:14
PS--I did not mean to imply that I would withstand ongoing bullying, but I also feel I have to pick my battles.
Is this person preventing you from having necessary work consultations or are you talking about social conversations? is she your supervisor or same level? Is there anyone with some power who could help you address the problem?
Posted by bluedog on March 11, 2003, at 0:32:49
In reply to Oh, my! Don't I feel dumb. » bluedog, posted by beardedlady on March 10, 2003, at 12:11:39
Beardy
YOU dumb????? You are kidding aren't you...I hope:) :):).
I just happen to have a legal background and also personally have had to deal with workplace bullying. As I also live in Australia I simply tried to give Alara as much Aussie related stuff to bullying as I could without tryng to overwhelm her with TOO much legal detail. However bullying in the workplace is a legal minefield and if an informal approach to the perpertrators telling them to desist fails (assuming you are strong enough to do this in the first place without assistance for example from a union representative), then to take the matter further you need real and detailed evidence of the bullying behaviour if you want any chance at at succeeding in putting a stop to the bullying.
Believe me there is nothing more frustrating than going to your CEO with nothing but your word against theirs and then the perpertrators deny everything. This is where a bullying diary and medically documenting the bullying comes in so handy.
Believe me when I tell you there are a lot of organisations that will simply stick their heads in the sand and pretend that everything is "Hunky Dory" and will do absolutely nothing to help you unless you can provide them with detailed evidence and doctors' reports. This type of evidence will usually scare them into action to stamp out the bullying in an informal (and much less stressful) manner for fear of much more formal forums such as (in Australia) the Industrial Commission or the Law Courts.
Why don't you pick the speeling and Grammore in my above post to pieces so that I will feel dumb in return:) :).
Seeya Beardy
warm regards
bluedog
Posted by Alara on March 11, 2003, at 3:27:24
In reply to Re: bullies » Alara, posted by beardedlady on March 10, 2003, at 7:57:53
lol. Thanks Beardy. :-) I like the idea of throwing plates. The truth is that I did ignore the bullying behaviour for several weeks. I simply continued to be friendly with everyone as if nothing was going on. But the rage started boiling within me when I realised that I was treating this girl with a respect that was not reciprocating. As she has been in the company for longer, it was almost as though there was an unwritten rule: I was required to be `nice' to her whereas she had established herself socially, which meant that she could treat me however she wanted.It's funny that you should mention diaries, bluedog. Another colleague of mine approached me about this girl and her cohort today. It turns out this colleague (who is also new and capable) has been getting exactly the same kind of treatment...We are going to keep personal records of events as they occur, because this bully is likely to turn things around at her convenience. (She appears to lack a moral backbone.)
Jay, thanks for the URL links. I didn't know that `bullying' was an apt term for what I was experiencing but now I know that I haven't been over-reacting.
It's rather ironic: I foolishly believed that I had left peer bullying behind in year 7 at school..In reality, adults can be even more vicious than children!
Pax, I think I may also take your advice and stand up to this insensitive person next time she vicimises me (or anyone else). Being nice just seems to perpetuate the problem. Noa was spot on: "I have had to "harden" myself and not react with so much hurt to certain things from certain co-workers. It is hard to do. And I had to learn the hard way, by going back for more and more until I realized the person won't change, I just have to get more savvy. Very hard to do, but necessary sometimes."On a more philosophical note, I must admit that sometimes I do feel very disappointed in human nature. Maybe bullies are just protecting themselves from insecurity. But why do they have to resort to this kind of defence? When I feel insecure, I look for friendship and reassurance. If others feel insecure, I work hard to comfort them and to foster their self-esteem. As a human being, I have many faults. But I'll never be able to understand the senseless cruelty of bullying.
Posted by Alara on March 11, 2003, at 3:28:40
In reply to bullying in workplace, posted by fayeroe on March 10, 2003, at 14:50:12
Pat, that is such an inspirational story. Good on you! Revenge is sweet. :-)
Posted by beardedlady on March 11, 2003, at 6:12:22
In reply to Re: Oh, my! Don't I feel dumb. » beardedlady, posted by bluedog on March 11, 2003, at 0:32:49
Bluedog:
I thought that girls pairing up or grouping to intimidate other girls was simply an ugly fact of life. I didn't know there was actual recourse!
And all this makes me think about how mad I get when the contestant chooses to ask the audience, and all of them punch the button, even though they have no clue. So four fairly-even graphs pop up, and the poor guy has wasted his lifeline.
There it's just for money. Here, on Who Wants to Get Sane?, it's for life.
Anyway, you're a prince. How's that yoga girl?
beardy : )>
Posted by Dinah on March 11, 2003, at 7:21:16
In reply to Re: bullies - update, posted by Alara on March 11, 2003, at 3:27:24
Hi Alara,
I have to admit that I haven't commented on this thread because this is *such* a hot button issue for me. Fortunately there is no bullying at my office now, and I really haven't faced it since school. But all those old feelings of impotent rage come up just at the thought.
Anyway, I wanted to congratulate you for deciding to be proactive about the situation and not passive.
I'm also very happy to hear there is so much protection in the workplace. Wouldn't it be nice if we could somehow extend that protection to youngsters in school? So many lives would be saved in one way or another.
If I ever get my head above water, I want to make that my goal. In fact, I really wanted to go back to school to get the credentials to prepare and implement anti-bullying curriculum on a wider basis than it is now employed.
Posted by Ginjoint on March 11, 2003, at 9:10:09
In reply to How do you deal with workplace bullying?, posted by Alara on March 10, 2003, at 5:29:52
Me want to beat someone up for you, Alara! Me want to stand up for you at office!! Me act like animal but solve problem quickly with left hook to certain snotty jaw!!
*ahem* <gathering composure> Actually, I think animals have much more nobility than we'll ever have. But anyway, I'm glad you received so much good advice on your question, as I didn't have a whole lot to offer. I was "shut out" in my last job, and I know the rage and frustration it can inspire...I ended up leaving for other reasons, and didn't have to really deal with it in the long term. My short-term solution was confronting the person in a gentle manner, both one on one and with a supervisor present.
I too don't understand why insecure people choose this route to self-fulfillment, Alara, particularly in adulthood. It partly smacks of laziness, to me -- it's as if they haven't been willing to learn other problem-solving skills, and have to be nudged along.
Please keep us updated as to how this works out...and with your attention to the problem, I'm sure it will.
Ginjoint
Posted by bluedog on March 11, 2003, at 10:09:13
In reply to Re: Dumb de dumb de dumb » bluedog, posted by beardedlady on March 11, 2003, at 6:12:22
> Anyway, you're a prince. How's that yoga girl?
>Beardy
Yoga Girl is as lovely as ever, but she hasn't kissed me yet, so I'm still a frog rather than a prince.
Do you believe in fairy tales by the way?
thanks beardy
bluedog
Posted by beardedlady on March 11, 2003, at 10:50:45
In reply to Re: Dumb de dumb de dumb » beardedlady, posted by bluedog on March 11, 2003, at 10:09:13
> Yoga Girl is as lovely as ever, but she hasn't kissed me yet, >so I'm still a frog rather than a prince.
Ha! We don't even notice the warts anymore.
> Do you believe in fairy tales by the way?
"I believe in fairy tales/and dreamer's dreams like bed sheet sails/and I believe in Peter Pan/and miracles and anything I can/to get by/and fireflies." --Lori McKenna
I believe in everything and nothing. One day this, the next day that. It's part of my new flexibility training.
beardy : )>
Posted by Alara on March 12, 2003, at 4:12:05
In reply to Re: Dumb de dumb de dumb » beardedlady, posted by bluedog on March 11, 2003, at 10:09:13
>
> >
> Yoga Girl is as lovely as ever, but she hasn't kissed me yet, so I'm still a frog rather than a prince.
>
> Do you believe in fairy tales by the way?
>
> thanks beardy
> bluedog
>
>
Bluedog, you are a prince so far as any of us PSB posters are concerned and I'll bet that yoga girl has noticed too. :-) Just don't put her onto a pedestal while demote yourself to the frog pond! Keep working on feeling good about yourself. You deserve it!
>
Posted by noa on March 13, 2003, at 20:31:11
In reply to Re: bullies - update, posted by Alara on March 11, 2003, at 3:27:24
Have you seen the book, "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons? It's all the rage nowadays.
Posted by Dinah on March 14, 2003, at 3:22:15
In reply to Re: bullies - update, posted by noa on March 13, 2003, at 20:31:11
And immediately sat down for a read.
Of course, I now remember very little of it. :)
Posted by Alara on March 14, 2003, at 3:29:54
In reply to Re: bullies - update, posted by noa on March 13, 2003, at 20:31:11
Thanks Dinah. I read the excerpt on Amazon. It's a pity you can only order with a credit card. Maybe you can buy it in Australian stores??
Posted by Alara on March 14, 2003, at 3:31:31
In reply to Re: bullies - update » noa, posted by Alara on March 14, 2003, at 3:29:54
Oops.I meant to say "Noa"!
Posted by beardedlady on March 14, 2003, at 6:41:25
In reply to Re: bullies - update, posted by noa on March 13, 2003, at 20:31:11
This is the end of the thread.
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