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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Medusa on September 1, 2002, at 4:56:22
I'm so tired of others doing whatever they want to, walking over people, and getting away with it and having happier lives than I do.
It's like they've figured out the REAL rules for life, and I'm hung up on fair and just and right, and they're laughing their heads off at me.
And I still want to convince them they are wrong and I am correct, and I want them to change their lives by the rules I thought we were all supposed to follow. (Fat chance.)
Mostly it's my siblings and my ILs who get to me. DH and I have both been really involved with our families, and been responsible, and our sibs get off scott-free ... and get material affection and glowing reviews poured on them by the parents, while we stand under criticism and are taken for granted.
DH just quit the faaaaaaaamily business, and we're striking off on our own. His family is going to hold this against him for ever. And the REAL reason they'll KNOW he left is the big bad mean old foreign wifey who poisoned him against the family and manipulated him by the mysterious powers of her vagina.
In my own family, of course I'm the black sheep, yet the "good kids" who are on their own have very little contact with the parents, and then derive as much material benefit as possible. The Saintly Sister is about to have her first child, and SO bizarrely, she's turned into a female clone of our father. I dread receiving the birth announcement - I'll be expected to send a gift, and this sister expects me to spend a lot of money but doesn't appreciate quality. For her wedding, I gave them a lead-crystal pitcher, and she said, "I guess we'll appreciate it more when we have a dishwasher." There's so much hurt in the background - a childhood of her being the favorite, the "victim", of her getting the shoes and the coat and me having to duct-tape shoes together and go coatless. And of her apologising for "letting her feelings of superiority get in the way of our relationship."
I'm tired of being irritated by all this. It takes too much energy. I've drawn lots of boundaries and minimised contact with the toxins, and it's still taking up too much space in my head.
(tip for Jay - try to date only orphaned only children.)
Any ideas are welcome. I have so much else to do, and I'm tired of being haunted by these resentments. They're pathetic people, not worthy of my time. I need to be working on my resume and on this bloody insurance case. And I'm hung up on offenses from the past!
I just want to go to bed and stay there. But I can't.
M
Posted by mscrane on September 1, 2002, at 8:07:53
In reply to when to let go - and how???, posted by Medusa on September 1, 2002, at 4:56:22
My advice would be to read "The Art of Happiness" by the Dali Lama...I truely believe in the idea that what goes around, comes around. Do not compromise your own morals...do what you feel is right...if you don't recieve it in return that you can see, remember that you will eventually, in a different way. You can sleep with yourself at night knowing you are doing the right thing because you KNOW it's right, not because you expect the rest of population to be enlightened. Give as you see right to give, not to fufil someone else's greedy expectations.
You can't change the world...but you can be happy knowing that you are being true to yourself. Do you live your lives in search of praise from your families, or because you want to be good people? You are giving these people too much power...let them think what they want because no matter what you do, you won't change them.
I too, hate "mandatory" gift-giving.....give as you see fit...give because you are welcoming a new life, but don't give because this woman will check the price tag...let her say what she wants, her ignorance is apparent to everyone, I'm sure.
Resentment can tear you apart..but no need for it if you know you are doing what is true to yourself. Give these people back thier garbage, because in reality you are doing nothing wrong. If they chose to live thier lives judging others, and being bitter, let them! Can you not feel sorry for them, as thier lives can only be very empty if they have to constantly judge others??? Usually when people critize others' lives, it's because theirs are so empty.
Be true to yourself, do what is right and just, harm no living thing....you will be happy and you won't let these others destroy that feeling. They don't have the right to judge you until they take a good look at their own lives!!!!!
Posted by nikioct73 on September 1, 2002, at 19:50:36
In reply to Re: when to let go - and how???, posted by mscrane on September 1, 2002, at 8:07:53
wow...I thought I was the only one with such issues...I stoped giving "christmas presents" to every single person in my family years ago...it was quite a burden for me starting out on my own ..I got CRAP from everyone...now I buy things for people when it is what i want to do..I see things all the time I know would please someone in a special way and thats that..F the pressure..it has made some people very 'ichy' with me but the ones who attempt to understand me...understand i see it very differently then the rest of the socialzied world..well thats my not so bright contribution...
Niki
Posted by Medusa on September 2, 2002, at 6:47:02
In reply to Re: when to let go - and how???, posted by nikioct73 on September 1, 2002, at 19:50:36
> well thats my not so bright contribution...
Doh! It's a very bright contribution, it really helps me to see that I'm not alone in this.
I stopped attending Xmas at my parents, um, dunno, off and on in college, and then definitively a few years ago. I rented action films and foreign melodrama and made a reservation for one at a nice restaurant and dressed up and went and the next day enjoyed leftovers.
"the socialzied world" isn't doing so well, so I say we're the ones on the right track ...
thanks Niki for your input.M
Posted by Medusa on September 2, 2002, at 6:57:16
In reply to Re: when to let go - and how???, posted by mscrane on September 1, 2002, at 8:07:53
> "The Art of Happiness" by the Dali Lama
Okay, I'll check the library ... I'm suspicious of religious stuff, but ...
>Do not compromise your own morals...Ach, see, I already have, by having any dealings with these people at all, with trying to appease them, with caring what they think.
> Do you live your lives in search of praise
> from your families, or because you want to be
> good people?We've both longed for praise from our families, and had some pretty harsh wake-up calls that we're not going to get it, ever. So we're starting on a new path - just for us. Scary ... but right.
> her ignorance is apparent to everyone,Ha. She's surrounded herself by persons who worship her, who think she's fabulously beautiful and spiritual and blah blah blah.
>Can you not feel sorry for themGood point, and I do, and their lives ARE empty ... but I sure feel sorry for mySELF when they go on the war path. DH and I did Xmas on our own since we've been married, and we've both had the best times. This year, I don't know what will happen - normally the parents organise a gift exchange between the kids ("kids" are 30-40!) and I just don't wanna have any part of that this year.
> They don't have the right to judge you until >they take a good look at their own lives!!!!!
Great mantra, think I'll put it on a t-shirt ...
thanks for your input. I'm naturally a bit skeptical of any ideas for improvement, as I don't trust these people for one second, and I feel like "be the bigger person" attempts would just get me screwed royally.
Anyway. I'm freaking in a weird space, this a.m. I remembered it's my 2nd anniversary and I'm not too happy about that, fortunately DH forgot it too and said it's okay if we don't do anything special.
Thanks again for letting me scream.
M
Posted by Robin.d.j on September 3, 2002, at 17:40:42
In reply to Re: when to let go - and how??? » mscrane, posted by Medusa on September 2, 2002, at 6:57:16
> > "The Art of Happiness" by the Dali Lama
>
> Okay, I'll check the library ... I'm suspicious of religious stuff, but ...
>
>
> >Do not compromise your own morals...
>
> Ach, see, I already have, by having any dealings with these people at all, with trying to appease them, with caring what they think.
>
>
> > Do you live your lives in search of praise
> > from your families, or because you want to be
> > good people?
>
> We've both longed for praise from our families, and had some pretty harsh wake-up calls that we're not going to get it, ever. So we're starting on a new path - just for us. Scary ... but right.
>
>
> > her ignorance is apparent to everyone,
>
> Ha. She's surrounded herself by persons who worship her, who think she's fabulously beautiful and spiritual and blah blah blah.
>
>
> >Can you not feel sorry for them
>
> Good point, and I do, and their lives ARE empty ... but I sure feel sorry for mySELF when they go on the war path. DH and I did Xmas on our own since we've been married, and we've both had the best times. This year, I don't know what will happen - normally the parents organise a gift exchange between the kids ("kids" are 30-40!) and I just don't wanna have any part of that this year.
>
> > They don't have the right to judge you until >they take a good look at their own lives!!!!!
>
> Great mantra, think I'll put it on a t-shirt ...
>
> thanks for your input. I'm naturally a bit skeptical of any ideas for improvement, as I don't trust these people for one second, and I feel like "be the bigger person" attempts would just get me screwed royally.
>
> Anyway. I'm freaking in a weird space, this a.m. I remembered it's my 2nd anniversary and I'm not too happy about that, fortunately DH forgot it too and said it's okay if we don't do anything special.
>
> Thanks again for letting me scream.
>
> M
>
> Hope your next anniversary is a pleaseant one ..I only wish I had one ..agood one anyways ..I have lots of bad ones I can't forgetGood luck Robin
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