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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cass on April 14, 2002, at 0:11:41
I recently met a man who I have fallen deeply in love with, and we have only known each other a couple of months. He is over 20 years older than I am, but that doesn't bother me. We felt a mutual spiritual connection from the start. I find him very stimulating, intellectually and otherwise. I've always been attracted to men that seem to have everything under control which he does although that was not always the case. He is a recovering alcoholic and drug user. He seems interested in settling down in a committed relationship. The thing is, I already have a boyfriend who I've been dating for almost two years, but I can't say I have ever had a feeling of excitement and passion like this with him. I haven't been dating this new man long which is why it scares me that I am so emotionally invested already. I could get really, really hurt. Then there is the guilt I have over cheating on my boyfriend and the potential for hurting him if I break up with him. Right now, I feel like I am selfishly hanging onto him just in case the new relationship doesn't work out. I'm euphoric, guilty and frightened. Anyone care to share some insight?
Posted by IsoM on April 14, 2002, at 2:39:47
In reply to Frighteningly in love, posted by Cass on April 14, 2002, at 0:11:41
Sorry to sound so coldly clinical about this Cass, but it may be the hormonal-like chemical called phenylethylamine, or PEA, that your body first makes when something or somebody new & exciting comes along. It can give you such a lift & feeling of euphoria but it doesn't last. It can't last - our brain would soon be so depleted of dopamine, we'd crash horribly.
To understand better, I'm including two sites that explain it simply & clearly. Please read them & then think carefully about what it says. Decide if this may be partly how you're feeling. (And yes, intellectual stimulation will also release this chemical in us.)
http://www.drirene.com/lovevs.htm
http://www.cyberparent.com/love/chem1.htm
Posted by beardedlady on April 14, 2002, at 6:10:51
In reply to Re: Frighteningly in love » Cass, posted by IsoM on April 14, 2002, at 2:39:47
Well do I know about that chemical. My advice would be not to sacrifice your relationship for something unknown. Give the new guy a little distance. Sometimes absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder; it makes it go, "What was I thinking!?"
experienced beardy : )>
Posted by Shar on April 14, 2002, at 7:07:46
In reply to Re: Frighteningly in love, posted by beardedlady on April 14, 2002, at 6:10:51
I'm wondering if this is a good decision mainly because it is so uncharacteristic of you. Maybe it's chemicals, I don't know about that.
However, I wouldn't feel too comfortable making a decision based on what you've described, esp when you have 2 years worth of at least a very close friendship to deal with first. I may be old-fashioned, but I believe if you do things in a different order (ie, leave a dying relationship then decide what feels right to you re: this new man) you will ultimately feel better. If your 2 year relationship is not dying or ending in some way for you, I wonder what bringing a new person into the picture does. Other than create a triangle, and we all know triangles are best avoided.
It's no mistake that you said "frighteningly" in love. If nothing else, maybe it's best not to make big decisions while frightened (to me that makes me a little off balance, not the most rational thinking is done then).
Shar
Posted by Phil on April 14, 2002, at 7:44:21
In reply to Frighteningly in love, posted by Cass on April 14, 2002, at 0:11:41
Using frightening, scared, etc doesn't bode well.
You need to really listen to what you are saying.This guy has years of recovery and hasn't learned about dating someone in a committed relationship?
Also, if he has everything under control(which nobody does) you might very well be the next victim of his control. Nobody controls like addicts, recovering or otherwise.
Just listen to your instincts.
Phil
ps...Passion early in a relationship, if physical, is not a good sign. You can be attracted to them but set some boundaries. Challenge him sometimes. See how he reacts. Never fall in love with someone until you've met their friends. If they don't have friends, watch out.Sorry to sound preachy, Cass. But I've been thru this goddamned drill a dozen times.
Oh, STRONG EMOTIONAL TIES very early...run!!!!!!!
Posted by Willow on April 14, 2002, at 10:19:57
In reply to Re: Frighteningly in love, posted by Phil on April 14, 2002, at 7:44:21
Cass
Please keep us posted. Oops, I do apologize, but I'm hoping to learn from your experience!
Whispering Willow
Posted by IsoM on April 14, 2002, at 12:15:13
In reply to Frighteningly in love, posted by Cass on April 14, 2002, at 0:11:41
All the other comments are dead-on, Cass. Been there - done that sort of thing.
Phil's so right. Sorry, but my ex-husband was an alcoholic, then recovering... Most addicts may stop their drug or what, when they're 'recovering', but something always replaces it. My ex- never formed healthy thinking patterns but was mired in the old. Phil's comment on checking their friends is so true. My ex- never formed ANY friendships. Really! Just acquaintances - no friends at all. If this guy does have friends, check them out carefully. If you link yourself to him, they'll automatically become the people you hang out with. Do you want to? Do you like them?
Posted by Cass on April 14, 2002, at 16:03:12
In reply to Re: Frighteningly in love...More, posted by IsoM on April 14, 2002, at 12:15:13
> Phil's so right. Sorry, but my ex-husband was an alcoholic, then recovering... Most addicts may stop their drug or what, when they're 'recovering', but something always replaces it. My ex- never formed healthy thinking patterns but was mired in the old. Phil's comment on checking their friends is so true. My ex- never formed ANY friendships. Really! Just acquaintances - no friends at all. If this guy does have friends, check them out carefully. If you link yourself to him, they'll automatically become the people you hang out with. Do you want to? Do you like them?At this point I have only heard about his friends, and it seems like he has a lot of them. Some of them are very old friends and some he has met in AA and other support groups. He does get addicted to things like AA meetings and now photography, but is that a bad thing? He's also addicted to spending money, but he seems to bring enough in to get away with that habit. By the way, he does not know about my boyfriend. My bad. I'm struggling with intense guilt, but trying to tell myself that a lot of people do this (see more than one person.) I'm not married, afterall. Life has been such a roller coaster lately, 2 suicides, new love and other ups and downs.
Posted by IsoM on April 14, 2002, at 20:21:19
In reply to Re: Frighteningly in love...More » IsoM, posted by Cass on April 14, 2002, at 16:03:12
Yeah, Cass, I'd say addictions is a bad thing, but then I'm looking at it with a jaundiced eye. The reason being that they can switch from one addiction to another. It tends to consume them - you won't be part of his addiction, no matter how much he may mean you to be at first. After a while, you'll feel that you're just not that important to him & you won't be. He won't mean that to happen but it does.
A suggestion - go to some of the Al-Anon meetings & talk with others who are married to or are good friends of alcoholics to see it from their perspective. Nobody forces you to decide what you need/want to do, but it's good to get some imput from others who've been there.
Here's their on-line site: http://www.al-anon.org/index.html and here's a directory of where you can find meetings in Canada & the States: http://www.al-anon.org/alalist_usa.html
I'm not trying to scare you but to warn you instead. You can always choose him after you've talked with others anyway.
Posted by Cass on April 15, 2002, at 1:11:24
In reply to Addictions » Cass, posted by IsoM on April 14, 2002, at 20:21:19
I appreciate the advice, Iso. And I will look at those sites. My emotions continue to soar and sink over being in love, cheating, and being acquainted with two people who have recently committed suicide. Euphoria, guilt, grief. People have noticed a difference in me. I'm not all here. The intense feelings make me feel alive but very unstable. I feel less inhibited. I have to be honest. I want to be controlled by a good man. That's part of why I love this new man. He's masculine. I want to feel secure. It's so politically incorrect, but it's how I feel. It's how I've always felt, but I would never admit it. I feel crazy, sad and alive.
Posted by mgrueni on April 15, 2002, at 17:06:52
In reply to Just plain out of my mind: Everything is so intens, posted by Cass on April 15, 2002, at 1:11:24
Hi Cass,
First, as I always do when talking to someone I haven`t talked to before here, I want you to know that I am no native english speaker. So, if anything of what I say might come across a little *formal*, or if I sound like an old granny, it`s just because my english vocabulary is limited. Actually I am only 27 :o)
Ok, here we go.
Having experienced a quite similar situation myself a while back, I think I can relate to what you described as "the roller-coaster" of emotions.
I won`t go into the details of my story too much, because it`s you who we are talking about, not me.
Suffice it to say, I felt totally torn apart at that time, unable to make a decision. I then received what I considered good advice: "If you can`t make a decision, simply decide not to make a decision yet."
Well, of course this didn`t work for long, but at least I got a break from thinking for a few days.
I can imagine how your mind must be racing, how overwhelming it all must feel to you. Doesn`t matter how hard you try to think of a solution, the only result of all your thinking is that there`s no way out. Right?
Wrong! I know, this is very hard to do when one finds themselves in such a difficult situation, but please try and calm down, take a deep breath and trust me, this is not the end of the world. I don`t mean to belittle what you are going through, not in the least. I just mean to remind you, there`s something deep down inside you that exactly knows what is the right thing to do. But you can`t hear what this voice is telling you through all that noise your restless thoughts are making. Something that I find quite remarkable about your post:
You wrote:
<Euphoria, guilt, grief.>Wow, I am impressed. I wish I was as able to identify my feelings as clearly as you are. This ability is a precious gift and it will help you to find a solution to your dilemma.
<I have to be honest. I want to be controlled by a good man. That's part of why I love this new man. He's masculine. I want to feel secure. It's so politically incorrect, but it's how I feel. It's how I've always felt, but I would never admit it.>
You just did - and you did very well, too. I am not going to make any suggestions whether to split up with your current partner or not. You seem to know what it needs to make you happy. Maybe this is what it`s all about?
Is something missing in your relationship? Something essential? Do you really have only two options - leave your partner and be with the other one, or stay with your partner and remain unpleased? Maybe there are many other ways you just haven`t thought about yet.
That`s why I said : "don`t make a decision if you are not ready to."
Just take your time and consider your feelings.
All the best wishes,Micha
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