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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sar on November 18, 2001, at 13:41:38
bonjour mes amis,
i'm back from the hospital. i am tired of this. signing pledges. scotchguarded couches to protect against what anyone may secrete or project. hard beds.
my parents didn't understand why i'd gone to the hospital again. they didn't visit, and at first my mom thought i was at a different hospital altogther. it was business as usual. last night my dad screamed that there would be no booze in the house, so i ran over to the neighbors and drank merlot and slept. today must draw upon wavering resources to see if couch-surfing at various places is possible.
am calm now on grey day with glass of merlot and a boy's fuzzy sweater.
why the hospital? i just knew it. it was just something to do. there was no way i was going to try to get into bed like that.
Posted by akc on November 18, 2001, at 17:14:51
In reply to back, posted by sar on November 18, 2001, at 13:41:38
I'm glad your back. And i relate to your tiredness. Stay where you feel safe.
akc
Posted by Mair on November 18, 2001, at 20:07:36
In reply to back, posted by sar on November 18, 2001, at 13:41:38
Sar - I hope you can find somewhere that you feel is safe and not feel on the edge as it seems you are now. Do you have siblings? I can't remember if you ever mentioned any.
Mair
Posted by paxvox on November 18, 2001, at 21:02:51
In reply to back, posted by sar on November 18, 2001, at 13:41:38
Hey, Sar, sometimes we have to take a step to the side or a step backwards in order to get where we want to go. I hope you can see your recent events in such a light. There is no dishonor in knowing when the battle won't be won today. Far better to regroup, and make another battle plan. There will be another day for that. Take care, smile at your reflection in the mirror (even if you have to make a funny face first). There are little victories if we look hard enough for them. Good luck!
PAX
Posted by Kristi on November 19, 2001, at 0:36:34
In reply to back, posted by sar on November 18, 2001, at 13:41:38
> bonjour mes amis,
>
> i'm back from the hospital. i am tired of this. signing pledges. scotchguarded couches to protect against what anyone may secrete or project. hard beds.
Hey sar... guess I missed something. How long were you in the hospital?> my parents didn't understand why i'd gone to the hospital again. they didn't visit, and at first my mom thought i was at a different hospital altogther. it was business as usual. last night my dad screamed that there would be no booze in the house, so i ran over to the neighbors and drank merlot and slept. today must draw upon wavering resources to see if couch-surfing at various places is possible.
I'm sorry about your parents attitude. That is something I can definately relate too.
> am calm now on grey day with glass of merlot and a boy's fuzzy sweater.Is this the hot boy next door? Are you still seeing the one in CA?
> why the hospital? i just knew it. it was just something to do. there was no way i was going to try to get into bed like that.
You got good instincts girl! I hope your ok today. Please let me know........ and take good care of yourself. Lv, Krisi
Posted by Krazy Kat on November 19, 2001, at 14:09:22
In reply to back, posted by sar on November 18, 2001, at 13:41:38
sar:
what happened? are you o.k.?
- K.
Posted by sar on November 19, 2001, at 14:12:31
In reply to Re: back, posted by Kristi on November 19, 2001, at 0:36:34
it was bizarre. i drank a beer and called 911 almost as if i were moving as a body rather than my entire self. i wanted to go to the hospital, for some reason; once there i told them all i wanted was some drug to get these obsessive thoughts of suicide out of my mind (exorcise me of these evil demons dear lord!). and they told me no such things exists. 2 days later i signed myself out.
i suppose hospitals are some sort of safe haven...my roommate was a wonderful woman in her fifties who hugged me and smiled and sighed alot; she was there, like so many others, between rounds of ECT...i think i may have gone this time just to meet the other patients, because it's the only place i know of where peeps can so openly and casually talk about whatever's on their mind, swallowing a bottle of soma and how it hurts to be pumped up, being chased by your terrible axe-wielding husband--all of this without supervision...
i'm not as edgy as i was. the key is to keep the coffee brewing and the merlot pouring slowly. the hot medical student has been comforting me well in my time of need. :)
it's also finally turned grey-skied here, which always calms me down a bit.
kristi--how are you? i'm still seeing the other guy, but he lives in a different city so i see him only on weekends. I NEED SOMEONE EVERYDAY, DAMMIT!
they did adjust my meds, more klono & neuro, and i took my slowly titrating-upwards dose of lamictal today. returned to bed for 3 hours.
thanks all, for writing...
love,
sar, no longer wearing the calf-length tartan skirt the hospital gave her to wear because she might hang herself with the string of her scrub pants...and back to Birks instead of ski socks (i looked funny, yall, i had the staff in stitches when i emerged in my ward-wear...)
Posted by Katey on November 25, 2001, at 18:36:25
In reply to Re: back, posted by sar on November 19, 2001, at 14:12:31
hey sar,
parents suck sometimes...i hear you on that one...out of curiosity, how old are you? i thought most people on this board were a lot older...but atleast you can keep a good sense of humor about all of this.
Katey
Posted by sar on November 26, 2001, at 13:06:39
In reply to Re: back, posted by Katey on November 25, 2001, at 18:36:25
> hey sar,
>
> parents suck sometimes...i hear you on that one...out of curiosity, how old are you? i thought most people on this board were a lot older...but atleast you can keep a good sense of humor about all of this.
>
> Kateydear Katey,
thanks...i'm 23, you're 16 right? most of the folks on these boards are older than us so we have the advantage--there's alot for us to learn from them.
Posted by Katey on November 26, 2001, at 15:09:49
In reply to Re: back » Katey, posted by sar on November 26, 2001, at 13:06:39
Posted by Kristi on November 26, 2001, at 17:17:04
In reply to i couldnt agree more :) (nm), posted by Katey on November 26, 2001, at 15:09:49
Posted by Katey on November 26, 2001, at 21:20:20
In reply to Re: ya'll make me feel old. :-) (nm), posted by Kristi on November 26, 2001, at 17:17:04
Posted by Gracie2 on November 26, 2001, at 22:58:32
In reply to youre still young at heart =) (nm), posted by Katey on November 26, 2001, at 21:20:20
Oh my God you guys aren't old, you're kittens. The only advice I have, out of my ancient 41 years, is to get the hell away from your parents.
They love you but they will never understand.Sadly, some people have to hit bottom before they claw their way back to the top, and some people don't make it. But you will because you have a strong sense of self-preservation.
Just don't do really stupid stuff. Don't smoke crack or inject drugs. Don't have unprotected sex
with strangers. Don't put yourself in a position where you could be raped or worse.Teenage years are hard and sometimes your twenties are even worse. I have a favorite line from an old "Who" song (have you heard of them?) that says, "I woke up in a Soho doorway when a policeman yelled my name - he said,
'You can go home tonight if you can get up and walk away'." Been there.My thirties were better. It gets easier, particularly if you find a family to love, but even without. Your hormones settle down, you start to think about what you really want to do;
live on a mountaintop in a cabin and make jewelry for a living. Sit on the beach at Key West and paint the sunset. Start a charity ward. Be a lawyer. Climb Mount Everest. All this stuff starts occuring to you, things you never thought about before, and suddenly you have a goal.All you have to do is hang in there, and I really hope you do. God if I can make it, anyone can.
-Gracie
Posted by Katey on November 27, 2001, at 9:16:10
In reply to Re: youre still young at heart =), posted by Gracie2 on November 26, 2001, at 22:58:32
awwww Gracie, 41 isnt old. its all a state of mind. and yes, i have heard of the who, i even know a little about them even tho, unfortunately, i dont think i've heard their music. and by the way, ive got a month countdown going before i can move out. 20 loooooooong months to go. hang in there and do what YOU want Gracie.
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 13:07:50
In reply to Awww Gracie :), posted by Katey on November 27, 2001, at 9:16:10
Gracie,
41 isn't old! it's the perfect all-grown cat who knows what to do, not the bleary-eyed baby stumbling 'round.
i have one more month 'til i say au revoir to the parents...overall they've done more harm than good all my life, but i'm grateful they gave me food & shelter for a year to recover from my--what? craziness, breakdown, depressive episode, whatever...
i think the early twenties are like being a teenager but people expecting to you to be able to pay rent, work, write essays, learn rocket science, buy a car, and party all night...
thanks for the advice...i've done some of it, avoided some it...tell us some more, Gracie, where have you been?
love,
sar
Posted by Gracie2 on November 27, 2001, at 14:22:37
In reply to Re: Awww Gracie :), posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 13:07:50
I guess 41 isn't really old, especially in this century. Sometimes though, you know, you get beaten down until you feel so old that you can barely get out of bed in the morning. I suppose that was more depression than age.I will try to keep my life short - my parents kicked me out of the house when I was 17 because I was "uncontrollable". Some friends let me stay with them until I graduated from high school, but then I had to leave. I had no job and no money, and my grades weren't good enough for any kind of scholarship, so I could think of only two choices:
prostitution or the military. I joined the Army, but I didn't like it and was always in trouble.
I finally made sergeant, but it took about twice as long as everyone else (I was in for 7 years). I was stationed in Germany for 2 years, where the main activities among the soldiers were drinking, drugs and sex. (Back in those days, we thought AIDS was a disease that affected only homosexuals,
and drug testing was rare.) When I left Germany, I was single, pregnant and an alcoholic. However, I did quit drinking and taking drugs, and I managed to get down to 5 cigarettes a day (sometimes I really suffered between those cigarette breaks!)I had no communication with my son's father, who was a Navy radar specialist stationed in Italy. I had decided that I didn't want this person in my life forever, so I never told him I was pregnant.
I had my son alone and raised him by myself. I met my present husband when Jake was about 3 years old, and we've been together ever since.
We moved back to St. Louis - can't remember why now- and lived together for about 7 years before we got married. There were a lot of rough spots and honestly, there were probably more bad times than good. Now he is talking about leaving me, but by this time I pretty much feel neutral about it. If he stays, he can sleep in a separate room.
If he goes, I'll help him pack his stuff. I'll fix up the house and move back to Florida (where Jake was born in a Naval Hospital), because I have happy memories of Florida and I love the beach. Living in Missouri, I could not possibly live any further from the ocean, and it makes me sad.
So that is the outline of my life. I left out a lot of sad, ugly details, but I want to leave that part of my life behind. My son turned out fine - he is 20 now, happy and healthy and handsome. He's bright and funny and is engaged to be married - someday. So at least I didn't screw that up.So now it is your turn, Sar!
Gracie
Posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 18:20:55
In reply to Re: Awww Gracie :), posted by Gracie2 on November 27, 2001, at 14:22:37
Gracie,
your story made me smile...interesting life you've led, tho the husband part is disheartening.
i think the fact that you raised a wonderful kid says alot about you.
i was trying to think of what to write about myself, but i don't think i can yet...gimme some years and i'm sure i'll have something to say!
Posted by Katey on November 27, 2001, at 20:32:07
In reply to Re: Awww Gracie :), posted by sar on November 27, 2001, at 18:20:55
Gracie,
I decided that i wish you had been my mom instead of my actual mom. not only are you a far more interesting person, but a more empathetic one as well. and i think you'd give me more freedom :) through reading your posts ive really come to like the person behind them. theres your warm fuzzy for that day :)
Posted by Gracie2 on November 27, 2001, at 22:07:27
In reply to Re: Awww Gracie :), posted by Katey on November 27, 2001, at 20:32:07
Thanks for the warm fuzzy! I enjoyed being a mom and I'm really kind of sorry that I didn't have more kids, or at least one more. I miss the baseball/soccer/boyscout days. The mid-teens were kind of hard - one of the worst things I remember was that Jake wanted to pierce his eyebrow and I was totally against it, but I finally figured that he would wear it for awhile and get tired of it and that would be over. Unfortunately, Jake gets keloid scars (which we didn't know) and the the piercing would not heal - in fact it got infected, but he absolutely refused to remove it.
Finally I had to physically drag him into the car and take him to the doctor's office. The doctor said that if Jake wouldn't remove the eyebrow ring, he was going to the hospital. Apparently an infection on your forehead can actually spread to the brain. Jake took out the earring, but he pouted about it for a long time.
Still, as a bad memory, that isn't too terrible.
He was usually a great kid, and I did let him have his space, although I watched out for him and kept tabs on him as closely as I could - close enough to pretty much know what he was up to, but not so close that he would start to hate me. I tried really hard not to do any of the awful things that my mom did to me - tear up my room like it was a prison inspection, read my diary, write down the mileage on my car so she would know if I went anywhere without telling her. I didn't want to be that kind of mom.
So now that he's older, we have a great relationship. I guess he'll be gone in a year or two, but I can't even think about that now. I have to get this crap with my husband settled one way or another, and then maybe I'll be strong enough for the next crisis.Thanks for writing, and a warm fuzzy to you too!
Gracie
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