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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by b2chica on May 24, 2018, at 22:28:05
no need to reply, but i need to talk.
it has come to my realization that i feel more alone than ever. I do have 2 wonderful and amazing children, but they are children. My charges. not friends, not therapists, not co-workers, and i cannot nor would i ever start to burden them with my pain.
thus why i am here. (not to burden you guys, but i figure you can choose to not read and i will never know... and i am just fine with that as i know everyone here is kind in heart.)but the pain of being alone has come to a complete worst. Right now, (well, for the last couple months or more) i have discovered that what i really need... all i really need is someone to just hold me and let me cry in their arms. Tell them my problems if i want to, but dont care/dont push if i dont want to.
and as much as i have been eluded otherwise, i do not have a single person in my life that i can do that with.
which is just rocket fuel for my suicidal ideation.it is not depression this time. This is why i am so scared. So much more sad, so much more wanting to cry; realizing i have no one to cry to; realization of my island existance; making the unbearable pain in my heart leak like toxin into the rest of my soul.
Yes, there is God... but as we all know there is no physical touch included in that relationship. And as a human being, i realized that i have not been held, caressed, touched lovingly or been cuddled with in about 7 months (other than my children which again is not the touch i need). And i'm not talking about sexual intimacy....but love. Real love.
that doesnt ask questions
that doesnt judge
that doesnt try to 'fix' me
that doesnt belittle me
that doesnt degrade my being/sense of being
and the love that doesnt want ANything from me other than my presence.i'm sure right now most people reading this are probably saying 'honey that doesnt even exist'. but it does. i know it does.
I give it.
and i've seen it before in many couples.ok, i need to cut myself off here. but i have more... so much more i need to say.
-by the way, now that i have been at my worst even my T and pdoc aren't here. My T has been very packed the last few months and its hard to even get my 'regular appt time unless i book a month or more ahead of time. my pdoc is gone for a few weeks.
Which once again just forces me to see the reality of my relationship with them. They are my T and pdoc, a doctor and psychological therapist. They are not my friends, caregivers, mentors, 'sages', or anything else i've tried to carve them into. And their lack of availability to me is just really an added punch in the gut that i really dont need right now.i have been having dissociative episodes, crying most days. this is not depression. this is me feeling very clear headed, but sad as sh*t at the extreme pressure i am under, and the extreme sense of lonelyness right now.
maybe more tomorrow.
if anyone has listed this far, please dont feel any need to respond
b
Posted by baseball55 on May 25, 2018, at 18:39:25
In reply to just need to talk, posted by b2chica on May 24, 2018, at 22:28:05
Of course I will respond! We all need the t sense of unconditional love. I found it in 12-step meetings. I don't know where-else one looks. I have heard of groups for depression/bilpolar, etc. Such a hard path. Wish you well.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2018, at 7:19:20
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by baseball55 on May 25, 2018, at 18:39:25
(((((((((b)))))))))
i'm sorry i can't give you a hug. and just shut up and listen to... whatever you need / want to say.
i know the feeling that you are talking about. i've felt it myself. for me, the closest i could get was thinking about a parent. my dad, i guess. but i don't remember him holding me, overmuch... just letting me hug him, sometimes. but he was quiet, at least, and didn't ruin the moment by criticising or whatever, like my mother would have.
i actually haven't felt this in the longest time.
i think i've given up on people, entirely. i mean, there isn't any part of me that longs for or desires intimacy, anymore. there used to be. i used to cry out for it. and nobody listened. the world gave me the big 'f*ck off' so... that part of me actually died.
i got more... resilient. i guess.
anyway... here i am prattling on...
i'm sorry you can't get a hug from this place. but you can talk... write... if it helps.
Posted by B2chica on May 28, 2018, at 13:32:10
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2018, at 7:19:20
thank yu
Posted by sigismund on May 28, 2018, at 14:53:13
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2018, at 7:19:20
Sex without intimacy we have, but intimacy without sex not so much. Except with children, and just to say that reminds me of lines crossed there.
Our culture is not great on this, but it does not have to be this way, nor is it everywhere.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2018, at 19:41:30
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by sigismund on May 28, 2018, at 14:53:13
I remember there was an academic who worked on prostitution, a while back. She gave some lectures for an Education paper I was enrolled in. As part of her research she travelled and interviewed prostitutes.
I remember her saying that prostitutes who had regular clients would say that it didn't seem to be about the sex, so much. That that part was mostly over fairly quickly. But that the guys would still pay for an hour or two and mostly they seemed to want to just lie there with them and... Talk. Laugh. Cry. Complain about life.
So I do get the sense in which people have thought that therapy isn't really so different from prostitution.
I did a little bit of physiotherapy (physical therapy) also. The head of school was interested in it from more of a humanities point of view. He was interested in how it had evolved from prostitution to massage therapy to physical therapy. His focus was on the idea of non-sexual physical contact as theraputic.
Just as an idea... Have you thought about getting a massage? I don't mean going to see a prostitute, I mean, actually going to get a massage. I've heard it quite common that people cry during massage. Sort of quietly. That it is a good sort of release.
I remember reading some stuff a while back about physical touch in psychotherapy. Some therapists would hold their clients. It was hard, though, because of how despite the very best of intentions it could bring out physiological arousal / desire for greater intimacy for some patients. And given that therapy is mostly about talk (whereas bodywork is mostly about no talking) Quite a lot of therapists would find that really hard to know how to deal with such a thing through talk appropriately, so would shy away from the whole thing...
While others ran with it and started to write about incorporating massage / bodywork into their practice. Or even in how maybe sex with clients could actually be theraputic...
I've been thinking quite a lot about intimacy and balance of power. I was exposed to Kant, at some point, (actually, in North Carolina) and I feel it has ruined me for quite a lot of things, since... Kant has this whole thing about how a person can't will suicide... And I think he is right. Suicide isn't a thing willed by persons -- it is a thing wished for by non-persons. And it is merciful for homo sapiens who are only ever going to be treated as objects to be traded around and abused in the face of other needs and wants and desires and whims.
The only kind of relationship I want with a person is as a person. Only I'm not a person, and there it is.
Relationships can involve give and take, of course. There can be aspects of favors for favors or similar... But it is fundamentally different from the sort of accounting worthy of prime time drama... As marjory had power with / over the king on game of thrones, for example...
Rambling...
I'm just trying to say that I hear you. I'm not sure if any of this helps..
Posted by sigismund on May 28, 2018, at 23:24:37
In reply to Re: just need to talk » sigismund, posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2018, at 19:41:30
At times in therapy I would cry and sometimes my (psychoanalytically oriented) T would hold my hand. What made more of an impression on me was when she cried too, about the same things.
I think our culture has been damaged by a past unaccounted for, endless lies, war and the promotion of indifference as if it were a virtue. That covers a lot of territory.
Countries that have suffered violence rather than inflicted it, especially if the violence is well in the past, seem softer.
My preference is to move to another country. And I go when I can.
Posted by sigismund on May 28, 2018, at 23:39:25
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by sigismund on May 28, 2018, at 23:24:37
This is Auden. About empathy or mutuality. From 'The Shield of Achilles'.
A ragged urchin, aimless and alone,
Loitered about that vacancy; a bird
Flew up to safety from his well-aimed stone:
That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,
Were axioms to him, whod never heard
Of any world where promises were kept,
Or one could weep because another wept.
Posted by sigismund on May 28, 2018, at 23:43:12
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by sigismund on May 28, 2018, at 23:39:25
We don't see tears. We hear about thoughts and prayers and the fallen.
Posted by rjlockhart37 on May 29, 2018, at 21:07:28
In reply to just need to talk, posted by b2chica on May 24, 2018, at 22:28:05
i've had that similar feeling, i've kinda just learned to be away from people because it seems when im in social situations, i have psych myself up to socialize, but on base level im not a socializer, yet deep down i don't want it that way, i wanted to have alot friends, and a thriving life, went back to highschool days and re write my history with being being happy and going off to a university, getting a nice career. I've alternatied paths, and had to justt learn to use mind to creae things, and expand. That very feeling you just had said, having someone to be there, i know exactly what that feels like.
the way i started thinking out, to start getting in social situations, find a party or something, websites like meetup.com which is like a group, try get there and meet people, and plan how your gonna do it. Still i go to socials and am the most awkward person there, frozen with anxiety, i have psych myself up. Plan what i'm going to say, because im not spontaneous around alot of people. Going out way, to know someone and connect, it's hard to do that....like having a friend that would understand and be there. I know exactly what your feeling, so don't give up and post here just for more posts from us
Posted by B2chica on May 30, 2018, at 21:17:05
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by rjlockhart37 on May 29, 2018, at 21:07:28
Thank u.
Im a major introvert and am exhausted easily by droll conversations. Im also a writer, so times introvert by 3 and increase it that pi...
Also family makes it hard . Truth is I dont really want more friends, I just want to feel less alone which is caused by Crappy marriage...
a person never feels more aimlessly alone than when they are with someone who resents and dislikes them... me.
Sometimes a small part of me wishes I had a brain injury that made me dumb, since I know it is in part my intelligence that makes him feel less. And I dont think that, nor do I say that, elude to that, or in anyway degrade him. He is smart and I tell him that, but he is riddled with sarcasm, self deprecating comments and can get easily belligerent with me.
Hes very socially needy, and as an introvert that is exhausting for me.Thank u
b
Posted by alexandra_k on June 1, 2018, at 8:46:47
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by B2chica on May 30, 2018, at 21:17:05
> Thank u.
i'm glad you posted. i was worried my chatter would put you off. i was hoping it would help you feel more comfortable posting (to your thread) but, i don't know, i wonder that i'm maybe domineering, or something, with my tendancy to prattle on...
> Im a major introvert and am exhausted easily by droll conversations. Im also a writer, so times introvert by 3 and increase it that pi...sure.
> Also family makes it hard . Truth is I dont really want more friends, I just want to feel less alone which is caused by Crappy marriage...
i've heard people say that quality rather than quantity becomes important, as you get older. when you are young new people are shiny new people. when you get a bit older you know that most people ain't worth sh*t and so a shiny new person is more likely to be... uh... not such a bonus to your life.
> a person never feels more aimlessly alone than when they are with someone who resents and dislikes them... me.
yeah. something about 'with friends like these...'
> Sometimes a small part of me wishes I had a brain injury that made me dumb, since I know it is in part my intelligence that makes him feel less.i think that is what alcohol is for. for all the people who think (probably know) that some kind of frontal lobe injury / higher brain function deficit would help them fit in a whole heap better into their surroundings...
> And I dont think that, nor do I say that, elude to that, or in anyway degrade him. He is smart and I tell him that, but he is riddled with sarcasm, self deprecating comments and can get easily belligerent with me.
> Hes very socially needy, and as an introvert that is exhausting for me.
>
> Thank u
> bsounds like you need more time / space for you. and maybe... i don't know if it is possible to coax him into a more appropriate time / space for him?
can you send him to aa or something? i don't know...
what would help you?
what would you like to talk about?i mean... assuming idiots like me can just... listen... and respond to what it is that you need.
i think i'm seriously out of practice...
i'd like to try.
it would be doing me a favor. really.
Posted by baseball55 on June 3, 2018, at 17:46:32
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by B2chica on May 30, 2018, at 21:17:05
Do you have dependent children? Best thing I ever did was leave my husband but by that time, my daughter was out of the house and working. Sometimes you just have to look at your marriage, no matter how long you've been together, and ask - is this making me unhappy, really?
> Thank u.
> Im a major introvert and am exhausted easily by droll conversations. Im also a writer, so times introvert by 3 and increase it that pi...
> Also family makes it hard . Truth is I dont really want more friends, I just want to feel less alone which is caused by Crappy marriage...
> a person never feels more aimlessly alone than when they are with someone who resents and dislikes them... me.
> Sometimes a small part of me wishes I had a brain injury that made me dumb, since I know it is in part my intelligence that makes him feel less. And I dont think that, nor do I say that, elude to that, or in anyway degrade him. He is smart and I tell him that, but he is riddled with sarcasm, self deprecating comments and can get easily belligerent with me.
> Hes very socially needy, and as an introvert that is exhausting for me.
>
> Thank u
> b
Posted by alexandra_k on June 3, 2018, at 21:40:04
In reply to Re: just need to talk, posted by alexandra_k on June 1, 2018, at 8:46:47
> can you send him to aa or something? i don't know...
well, that was weird. not sure where that came from. apropos? i have been drinking a bit, lately...
what do you write?
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