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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 9, 2011, at 16:42:53
Just one hour before my session started, it began to blizzard. The session was canceled. F*ck it to hell.
I cannot express in words how I have barely made it until this session. I have never felt so enraged.
I have told God the words God deserves to hear: F*CK you.
I have scratched.
I am not going to eat today.F*CK it to hell. This is never going to get better.
I don't know why I even bother to share here, except for it is the only way to release this. I don't think you all can understand my situation. I have 3 months until this is all over. Time is funnelling into an abyss. And I have to end it before that happens.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 9, 2011, at 18:43:28
In reply to F it to Hell, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 9, 2011, at 16:42:53
But I will add that I feel really bad for my therapist right now-- he has had to drive for 2 and 1/2 hours in the snow on really bad roads for what would normally take I'm guessing about 15 minutes. I feel bad for him.
I'm sorry for what is posted in the first post. It was so bad in the moment; it still aches in the center where there is a fire of rage inside of emptiness, but it has cooled down a little.
I have been selfish. I know that it's not all about me, and that I'm not the only one, and that this god awful freak snowstorm wasn't just the universe's judgement against me. It has effected a lot of people and I know has caused a lot of pain and suffering for others.
It's just that this is so hard. The longer it lasts, the more I think it is too hard. I just want to snuggle up in God's arms and cry.
Posted by annierose on February 9, 2011, at 19:03:09
In reply to but I will add, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 9, 2011, at 18:43:28
Would he ever consider skyping? I live in the midwest and my therapist has offered to have our sessions via skype when driving seemed too dangerous. I opted to drive because I prefer it but when push comes to shove, I would have taken the offer if need be.
I know how horribly disappointing a canceled session feels under normal circumstances - but when it's already been postponed - the ache feels physically untolerable. But see - you have lived through it, one breath at a time.
Posted by pegasus on February 11, 2011, at 12:46:23
In reply to F it to Hell, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 9, 2011, at 16:42:53
Oh, that sounds so awful. I think this is one of the worst things about therapy in my opinion: when you need it so much, and things beyond your control conspire to prevent it.
I think you are right that people here don't/can't really understand your situation. It's true for all of us (that we all have a limited understanding of each other). But a lot of us would like to try. Or at least offer support, from our limited view of what's going on for you.
((Annabelle))
- P
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 11, 2011, at 18:16:16
In reply to Re: F it to Hell, posted by pegasus on February 11, 2011, at 12:46:23
Thank you Peg and Annierose.
I actually had my make-up session today. Last night around 11pm I felt so ready for it that I thought I was going to burst. I took something to help me sleep last night and still could hardly get 4 hours of sleep. All day today I had this continual feeling of being dizzy, of feeling as though I was going to vomit, even tasting that vomit taste in my mouth. I had this feeling last night that I would have a breakthrough session today-- but I was disappointed. I spent so long putting every ounce of my energy and hope into this session, and I think for that reason, couldn't be present. For that reason, because I wanted it too much, it was ruined.
We usually start on the hour, but this time, started at 3:30. For some reason, I was thinking that we had more time-- like 15 minutes left-- but when I asked him, he said time was up. I felt a despair like the bottom of my existence had dropped out. Then nausea.
I left feeling so upset. I have just laid in bed for the past hour and a half since it ended. I feel so suicidal right now that I don't know what to do. An acquaintance had invited me to dinner, but I lied and said I was busy. I couldn't possibly go out right now. I don't know what to do. The thought of having to make it another week, and the same thing happening again-- time running out in a session and leaving, leaving with so many things unsaid, being there and not feeling present-- makes me feeling utterly hopeless. I hate the weekend-- Fridays are my most difficult days, because they signify a deep loneliness that is incosolable. I have so much work to do, but just feel like I can't make it. With these suicidal thoughts I feel a desperation. I don't know what to do.
Call a suicide Hotline? Write on here? Go see my older friend who I have shared much of this with before, but who is getting tired of it, I think? Reach out to somebody else? Distract myself? Sublimate? Attempt the suicide?
How to get out of this maze. I feel like I am stuck inside of an M.C. Escher picture. Dear f*ck*ng God. This is hell.
I feel hopeless. Personally. Ultimately. I want somebody to talk to with about God and hope, but I can't do that with most people. I view my therapist as my spiritual guide too, but we just don't have enough time to talk about everything. I don't trust most people in talking about God-- I think they are wrong or that often the hope they suggest to me is just not plausible or is often the case that is grasps to a false certainty. That is almost always the case.
My therapist pointed out a theme about going or staying.
I think about it. About life: I am so afraid of death and find it so hard to live with death that a part of me feels like I must run into death. I am so afraid of leaving my therapist and it hurts so much to leave him each session that a part of me thinks that I need to leave and terminate because the pain in so much. In both cases, the thing that I most desire is given up to that which threatens what I desire.
This is intolerable. I don't know what to do.
Posted by emilyp on February 12, 2011, at 0:43:20
In reply to Re: F it to Hell » pegasus, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 11, 2011, at 18:16:16
Annabelle
Considering how anguished you feel and the intensity of your feelings, have you ever considered an outpatient day program? By putting some consolidated time in an environment with others who are also struggling could potentially allow you to find some peace and make it a little bit easier to go through life. It won't solve everything. But it does not seem as if what you are doing is really working.
Posted by sigismund on February 12, 2011, at 1:24:24
In reply to Re: F it to Hell, posted by emilyp on February 12, 2011, at 0:43:20
I keep thinking you need more of the right contact.
This is the end of the thread.
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