![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wittgensteinz on October 25, 2010, at 15:17:15
Why do I have to be such a perfectionist? It makes life so unsatisfying, and it very nearly drives me over the edge at times (like the last 2 weeks for example!).
For those of you who recognise this trait, have you had any success in getting over it? Or should I come to terms with the fact that I am doomed to 'perfection' for life?
Exhausted Witti
Posted by twinleaf on October 25, 2010, at 16:24:03
In reply to Perfectionism, posted by wittgensteinz on October 25, 2010, at 15:17:15
Hi exhausted Witti! What you posted resonates with me. I also tend to feel that I have to be perfect, or - I start to feel that everything about me is wrong. One thing that I have found helpful is just more life experience- more experience of accomplishing things, not perfectly, but well enough. I try to practice noticing my shortcomings and failures in conjunction with my successes; holding both points of view in mind, and trying to feel confident and "good enough" while being aware of both. I was surprised to find that, after a while, I began to feel proud of my ability to hold onto my self-esteem while being aware of my failures. It's much easier now than when I first tried to do it. And it wasn't until I got over the depression that holding such a range of self-views at once became even a possibility.
Posted by wittgensteinz on October 26, 2010, at 10:44:28
In reply to Re: Perfectionism » wittgensteinz, posted by twinleaf on October 25, 2010, at 16:24:03
I think my main problem is that I place too much importance in my academic ability - it is too central to my sense of self and too important in propping up my shaky self-esteem.
I've always performed very well academically while felt grossly inadequate socially. Growing up, study was my escape and my sanctuary - it was the one thing I had some control over. Finished school with the highest grades, got into a top university (top 10 in the world), and then it went wrong - a severe depression set in and I dropped out, which at the time felt like the end of the world. Now I'm studying again (albeit not at quite as elite a university)... 4.0 GPA, highest average of any student on the program by some margin despite being the only one who is not studying in their native language. Still, it never feels "good enough".
So the last 2 and a half weeks I've been busy with an interminable assignment. I became so absorbed in this paper that nothing else mattered - I realised yesterday that I'd lost 5 pounds, presumably from forgetting to eat. Now it's finished and I feel utterly exhausted.
I think this is the topic which has undergone the least transformation during the therapy, and it makes me feel a bit desperate. Being able to stand back and have a balanced perspective of ones strengths and weaknesses sounds to me like the ideal. Good for you that you have accomplished that.
I'm sorry for this self-absorbed post - I just need to get it out. I don't know what I'll do if I should fail again - I realise I set too high standards yet I can't seem to stop myself.
Witti
Posted by emmanuel98 on October 26, 2010, at 19:50:06
In reply to Re: Perfectionism » twinleaf, posted by wittgensteinz on October 26, 2010, at 10:44:28
I totally identify with you, Witti. I actually left home young and missed most of high school, but I read constantly, taught myself math, aced the SATs (a requirement for most colleges in the US) worked constantly, became an academic and still worked constantly. Recently, I went back to school to study a new subject and if I get anything less than an A on an exam, I freak out. I'm not a perfectionist in other things, but with classes, academia, grades, I have to excel or I beat myself up. Therapy has helped me a little with this. Mostly what therapy has done though, is help me be less socially inept.
Posted by wittgensteinz on October 28, 2010, at 10:54:22
In reply to Re: Perfectionism, posted by emmanuel98 on October 26, 2010, at 19:50:06
What are you studying?
"Mostly what therapy has done though, is help me be less socially inept."
How has it helped? Did you learn social skills in the therapy or do you mean it helped in your perception of yourself as socially inept? By the way you wrote it, I get the feeling you mean in some practical sense the therapy led to you being more social.
With me I don't know what it is in essence - it's something very long standing (i.e. going back to the age of 5 at least). I perceive myself as socially inept - or at least socially clumsy (hmm, maybe that's some progress then!). I find it a nightmare to enter a room full of people. Some days I can't handle answering the phone. Other days I seem to do more or less fine. For me it's all about self-confidence. If you feel terrified it's hard to do the social dance.
Witti
Posted by emmanuel98 on October 29, 2010, at 21:10:35
In reply to Re: Perfectionism, posted by wittgensteinz on October 28, 2010, at 10:54:22
I am studying nursing, quite a change from working as an academic. I felt I needed to do something really different that required humility, tolerance, was social and involved warm and genuine human interaction. I spent last year taking all the science pre-reqs (there are a lot of them) and even then I was grade-obsessed, working like a fiend to get all A's.
My T has helped me with my feeling of complete social ineptness and never having had a close friend all my life, except for my husband and daughter (which aren't, of course, quite the same as friendship). I started going to 12-step meetings (had had problems with drugs and alcohol) and was meeting people. My T, who has a lot of friend, both old and new, talked all this over with me, talked about friendship and what it entailed, gave me tips, encouraged me to do some things and discouraged me from others. I still tend to get alienated in parties and after meetings, when people form small groups and start talking. I am afraid to break into one of these groups for fear people won't like me doing that. I don't easily interact with people in these situations. But I've gotten good at being with one or two or three people at a time, which I could never do before. My T and I talked about this a lot.
Now I only see my p-doc (also my T) once a month, but I see a DBT therapist weekly to keep working on this and other stuff.
Posted by rskontos on October 29, 2010, at 23:53:56
In reply to Re: Perfectionism » twinleaf, posted by wittgensteinz on October 26, 2010, at 10:44:28
Hi Witti, I could also relate to your post. I just started Graduate School and whew, its a huge stressor. I want to get A's on everything and of course with a 15 hours credit load that is hard to get all the readings done. This week I have 4 pages due by Wed. I have one done. I get it. For me, I have put the number of points each assignment is worth and try to only put in the time it warrants. For example, I stressed over an assignment for hours and it was only worth 2 points. Finally the professor said, hey guys this is only worth 2 points but I was already done. So now I have papers stacked up. I will get it done, they won't be perfect but done. I want them to be perfect but isn't not humanly possible. A friend of mine said you have to let the need to be perfect go. Easier said than done but I am trying.
I've missed you guys. Hey Twinleaf. Dinah, all, I have missed you and I have thought of you often. i should be in bed but here I am.
rsk
Posted by twinleaf on October 30, 2010, at 8:05:58
In reply to Re: Perfectionism » wittgensteinz, posted by rskontos on October 29, 2010, at 23:53:56
Hi rsk! It's so nice to see you. It's wonderful that you are back in grad school. You sound great - wish you the very best in the future.
Posted by rskontos on October 30, 2010, at 10:35:01
In reply to Hi! » rskontos, posted by twinleaf on October 30, 2010, at 8:05:58
> Hi rsk! It's so nice to see you. It's wonderful that you are back in grad school. You sound great - wish you the very best in the future.
Thanks Twinleaf, I am glad you're back and Witti, it is nice to see so many names I have missed!
I am doing better, the stress of school, well that is something I did aware it would increase my stress but in the end it will be worth it. I am seeing my therapist next Friday to help, we've gone on an as needed basis due to my workload.
I just wanted Witti to know I truly understand.
rsk
Posted by wittgensteinz on October 30, 2010, at 15:32:01
In reply to Re: Hi! » twinleaf, posted by rskontos on October 30, 2010, at 10:35:01
Hey Rskontos!
Nice to see you posting here again too! I often wonder how you are doing - hoping life is treating you well.
Great news that you've gone back to grad school btw. Of course it's a big step but very much worth it.
The panic attacks sound hard to handle. I hope you and T/Pdoc can get them under control somehow.
Good luck with getting your assignment done on time. I'm also in the thick of it at the moment with work to complete. You sound motivated though, and that's the most important thing. I'm very fortunate to have discovered a near bottomless amount of motivation (something I would never have imagined possible 2 or 3 years back). I just need to find a way of setting more healthy/reasonable targets for myself.
I'd also love to hear more about you - how things have been going and what you are doing nowadays.
Witti
Posted by rskontos on October 31, 2010, at 1:03:18
In reply to Re: Hi! » rskontos, posted by wittgensteinz on October 30, 2010, at 15:32:01
Hey Witti, it is great to talk to you too. I really have thought about you in the past few months. I hope you are doing ok.
You know, I think the panic attacks will lessen when I am used to the people at school and when I finally remember all I am suppressing. I am very shaky at school sometimes due to the content of the classes, and then there is those triggers I can't help. I do how two professors I have trusted with my issues and they are cool with and always check in when I check out.
I have two papers done and moving on to the next 2 and then I have loads of reading I will attempt. I might be playing catch up next friday or saturday. But I have another paper that I have to write next weekend.
I will be glad when this semester is done, I am halfway there.
Next semester will be even tougher. I start my practicums in the spring semester and have practicum and classes for the next 3 semesters than I am done. Whew I am tired thinking about it but I know I will feel so great once I have accomplished this. It will make me feel like I matter. That is what is important to me. To matter.I have some of that motivation too. Sometimes my internal voices get to me, but I am pushing through all of that. I may always have fragmented parts of me, but I will learn to live well even fragmented.
take care, i will check here and you, all my babble friends I would love to get babblemail telling me to check out whatever threads you guys want feedback on.
thanks too for being so welcoming. It makes me feel like I matter.
rsk
Posted by wittgensteinz on October 31, 2010, at 21:00:01
In reply to Re: Hi! » wittgensteinz, posted by rskontos on October 31, 2010, at 1:03:18
Just off to bed.... too little sleep. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing. I think you matter very much already, but I know that feeling though - to have a role, a position, a place - to be needed by others.
Ok... my head is so heavy... zzzz
It seems a number of people on babble are working too hard lately.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.