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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 16:22:01
Two this week, and one 2-hour one next Wednesday :-(
Some of you know I am moving across the country from my T. so I can be near my granddaughter (and D. and SIL)
My choice, and I don't regret it BUT somehow doing this to yourself, when therapy is going so well and you are deeply connected, is doubly awful - who can I blame even?
And I am under tremendous stress with moving, packing my house up and being behind with it all. Like ready to scream and run away anxious.
My T. is being absolutely wonderful. In fact, we've exchanged 4-5 emails just today. I am sort of on "unlimited-email-whenever" boundaries, because of me leaving. I've called him, too, and I never do that. He wasn't too bad on the phone, and I found it easier to cry and be myself without worrying how gross and messy I look, etc. Liberating, kind of.
Acute distress will surely come later this week when I have to say, "I have one session left." We've been talking about it for months, and I've cried rivers and oceans over him already, yet I know the well isn't nearly dry. I adore this man and he is a wonderful T. and a special person. Being in his presence has definitely changed me for the better. I see him as a gift from God, but sometimes gifts don't stay the same, or can't be kept for ever and ever, I suppose.
But I'm just so not done. And I will miss him terribly. My heart breaks every day just imagining dragging myself out of his office that last time. He says I'll be able to do it, because I want to go to be with my family, *and* because I know we will stay in touch by email and he is not completely gone or anything that must feel *like* dead to me because the relationship will change and we can't do actual therapy. He says "we will still talk and I will never forget about you."
Hope he's right. I just don't know. Trying to stay a little numb so I can keep packing.
Just thought I'd throw this out here. Quite scared as I know I am somewhat of a stranger here any more, and I am afraid of other things I can't explain. I feel less safe than any other time in the 4 years I've been at Babble, unfortunately.
But I finally decided to do it, because, well, I need Babblers now. Well, maybe not extremely right now, as in right this very second - but I surely will many times over the next 30 days++. Not that I don't want to read stuff now, but I'm trying to focus on moving tasks, not the internet, but.....oh now I'm making no sense at all. My brain feels like numb, wounded mush. Nice image, isn't it?
But I mean, really, who else could understand the pain of the conclusion of a long therapy relationship (we don't use the [other] T. word - t. and I both think it sounds awful and like some sort of violent act...) like all of the warm and amazing people here will?
Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2008, at 17:01:05
In reply to I have three sessions left, posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 16:22:01
(((((((10der))))))))
In some ways it sounds as if you're getting to do part of your mourning while he's still your therapist. I would never wish conclusion on anyone (and I agree about the other word). But it sounds as if you and your therapist are doing it in the most lovely sort of way.
Posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 18:13:52
In reply to Re: I have three sessions left » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2008, at 17:01:05
You've got that just right on both counts.
And thank you for writing it here. It somehow looks 'good' in writing (if anything about leaving him can be called good) and it made me tear up in a nice way, instead of the terrified, grief-stricken way I so often do these days.
It's funny - it seems it troubles and saddens him enough he isn't even crazy about saying conclusion - that one is more my word. He'll stumble and fumble around and say the relationship is just changing - a lot, yes, but it's going into another stage is all.
I used to get a little upset and tell him not to minimize the hugeness of this loss for me, and he'd apologize. But lately, by putting together a bunch of other things he's said and done, I'm realizing he's using certain terms because of how sad *he* feels and how his emotions are stirred up thinking of how he'll miss our relationship, too. He even wrote in an email once that he "didn't want to think about it" until he had to, because he doesn't like the idea of not seeing me any more one bit.
It's got to be a testament to growth and the success of our therapeutic relationship that I even recognize these genuine feelings on his side of the room, and actually believe they are real.....and....well, I guess I have to see I am worthy of them. That is so huge, really.
Posted by Happyflower on April 28, 2008, at 19:01:01
In reply to Re: I have three sessions left » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2008, at 17:01:05
Thanks 10der for sharing this will us, it even welled up tears for me too. I am so glad he is being honest with you on how much you mean to him and how much he will miss you too, it isn't just one sided. His humanness is something I wish all T's had.
I am glad you have this time to grieve with him over the "changing" relationship. This has to be so heart breaking for you especially, I can feel it in your words.
I am glad you have come back to Babble, I am scared too,mostly of getting hurt, but I can't leave even when I try, I always come back. Nobody can forget you, I can't, you have been so helpful to me over the years and it is something I have appreciated so much.
(((((10der))))))))))) Keep you loving spirit.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 28, 2008, at 20:22:29
In reply to I have three sessions left, posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 16:22:01
I'm so sorry, 10der. My heart really breaks for you. My T gave me her retirement date last week -- it's still over 1.5 years away and yet I can't quite imagine how I will handle it.
I'm proud of you for handling this as well as you have so far. Do whatever you need to do, say whatever you need to say and let us give you whatever support we can.
(((((((10derHeart)))))))
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 28, 2008, at 21:53:58
In reply to I have three sessions left, posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 16:22:01
The only sage words I have for you are, "You will get through it." I know it may seem impossible, but you can do it. I recently left my T of 6 years because i moved and it was so hard. But even though it was hard, i got through it much better than I thought I would. My hope for you is the same.
One thing that helped me was that my T gave me a card during our last session and i pull that out when i need to feel close to her. She also gave me such a long, warm hug and the memory of that comforts me. Are there things like that for you? She also lets me write letters to her and it is always very special when I get a response from her.
I also got a new T, who isn't the same, but she helps me take care of my psychological needs. And I like her too. Are you planning to get a new T?
I just wanted to write to say that I can understand what you are going through and I wish you the best.
Best,
EE
Posted by muffled on April 28, 2008, at 22:39:58
In reply to Re: I have three sessions left, posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 28, 2008, at 21:53:58
Whoah 10der, thats SO hard :-(
Ya, mebbe it will be good to babble in the interim.
Your T sounds lovely, and it sure sounds like you guys have done great work together!
Don't surprize me that T gonna miss you too!
Ya its gonna be hard. But email and stuff should help.
And family.
And God.
So you'll get thru it.
Just hard is all.
Manoman, wish I had something clever to say.
Just I sure glad to see you 10der, and I sure hope things can go as smoothly as possible for you.
I'll see ya around some.
M
Posted by Phillipa on April 28, 2008, at 23:37:43
In reply to (((((((((((((((((((((((10der)))))))))))))))))))), posted by muffled on April 28, 2008, at 22:39:58
Good luck and take some time for you. Love Phillipa
Posted by Annierose on April 29, 2008, at 9:28:14
In reply to I have three sessions left, posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 16:22:01
I can only imagine how difficult it would be to part from therapy before you felt ready.
Be gentle on yourself because MOVING in and of itself is stressful. Especially across the country to a new city and new start. So besides the added grief of leaving your therapist, there is all sorts of added stressors. I am glad you therapist is allowing the e-mails and phone calls now and once you move too.
I hope you check in once you are settled in your new city.
Good Luck. I hate packing so I don't envy you one bit. It's so much work.
Posted by raisinb on April 29, 2008, at 9:59:35
In reply to Re: I have three sessions left, posted by Annierose on April 29, 2008, at 9:28:14
That is so sad. I'm sorry you're having to go through it, but like others have said, it sounds like you are doing it in the best way possible, which shows how much work you have done. It sounds like he will miss you very much.
Posted by rskontos on April 29, 2008, at 11:44:23
In reply to Re: I have three sessions left » Annierose, posted by raisinb on April 29, 2008, at 9:59:35
You know each of these by themselves is an hard event. Moving or leaving therapy, either by moving or termination (in case you don't want to use that word) and to combine the two like you have done especially by choice in order to be with your family is a big step. I applaud you for the decision and the follow through. I think now that the moment is here it is so hard. I think you will find each day there will be a growth, not easy but growth nevertheless. I am amazed at you and only due to the work you and your T put forth in the years up to this time makes it possible. So yes, the relationship is changing but it just may be a whole new chapter in your relationship that you are ready for however scary the prospect is.
Your t sounds lovely as well as the relationship. I am awed by the self-reflection too.
good luck. Go easy and remember that moving sucks, too. But remember the prize at the end of the trail which inspired you to take the chance. Your lovely family.
rsk
Posted by 10derHeart on April 29, 2008, at 17:33:04
In reply to I have three sessions left, posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 16:22:01
I will get to individual replies sometime soon. I swear I will. But not just now. I have to focus or I will lose it....
You are all so kind. This thread is like a warm blanket, which is a very favorite thing of mine.
Maybe I will post after I come back from T. tomorrow morning. But I can't promise. Babbling is avoidance of work right now, and that just skyrockets the stress....
((Babblers))
Posted by Daisym on April 29, 2008, at 22:23:04
In reply to To all...., posted by 10derHeart on April 29, 2008, at 17:33:04
Tender,
I think the depth of your grief speaks to the depth of your connection and love for your therapist...and his for you. A bitter-sweet truth that must make you ache. The universe is often grossly unfair with the choices we are forced to make.
I hope you can comfort yourself with the pieces of him you have internalized and that will always be a part of you. Yes, the relationship is changing, not ending. But his voice in your ear and his warmth in your heart won't change and this will sustain you.
I believe the tasks required by moving will help you focus and keep you busy as you transition. You will find your footing again. Set your computer up first and know that we are here, and we do understand.
Take good care,
Daisy
Posted by muffled on April 30, 2008, at 11:02:38
In reply to To all...., posted by 10derHeart on April 29, 2008, at 17:33:04
General reply is good.
I think this is proly generally accepted as so.
I think all just wish you well and want the best for you.
Take good care.
M
Posted by 10derHeart on May 1, 2008, at 18:31:43
In reply to 10der, you NOT need to reply to all., posted by muffled on April 30, 2008, at 11:02:38
Posted by friesandcoke on May 2, 2008, at 19:16:33
In reply to I have three sessions left, posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 16:22:01
I am going through this right now. My therapist is retiring in June. She told me we could gently keep in touch a wee bit if I wanted, like a phone call now and then. I told her I don't want to keep in touch because we will never be "friends" we will never be "family" so what is the point? But that is me. I always wanted a VERY businesslike relationship with her and that is what I got. What I asked for.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 3, 2008, at 20:06:48
In reply to I have three sessions left, posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 16:22:01
Sigh.
It's so hard to believe I think I'm denying it quite a bit. Plus, I'm incredibly busy and can't even think about my emotions, which makes no sense, really, but that's how it is. Which seems good, as you can't really pack and clean if you're collapsing in tears many times a day.....believe me, I used to try that method....
And....it's my T's attitude of as much contact as I need and such openness to my level of pain that *is* making this somewhat easier. Like, whatever little reassurance-type things pop into my head that I think will help after next week, he says "yes" to - which still amazes me ("Why is this okay? Why am I this important? Why do you help so much? Why do you care this much?" blah, blah, blah...) For example, I was scared to ask if I could take a picture of him with my phone so I'd always have something current with me, and he responded very warmly and positively "yes, of course you can." Then, I asked if we could arrange a phone call 2 days after my last session, so I can test him to see if he really will answer/call back, if he really will sound like *him*, if I'll really still feel cared about as technically an ex-client. He said (this was email) he knew that I knew I didn't *need* to test him, BUT he was fine if I wanted to anyway, and that he was confident he'd pass that test :-) He was honestly, genuinely fine with agreeing to that, too. Who would want to leave a relationship with someone who cares for you like this and shows such kindness? Not me. [sigh]
He couldn't do anything more, and it is making this better. Or, my denial is strong and I'm going to have an utter meltdown. Or, both.
I told him this past Thursday that two lines from an old Shania Twain song I just happened to hear recently, really sum it up right now. The lyrics are of course speaking about a woman's emotions after the break up of a romantic relationship, as most pop/country songs do, but it doesn't matter - still fits:
"It only hurts while I'm breathing.
My heart only breaks while it's beating...."I've even signed a couple emails to him with that tag line. Why? I think no matter how 'brave' I look I want to be sure he never forgets how much grief I feel at the thought of not seeing him again.
But when I think of the sad, serious looks on his face lately, like when I repeated those lyrics to him, and when I said, "I am terrified of coming here next time. Scared that amount of sadness will destroy me and that I'll never leave your office," well -- I guess he's not forgetting anything.
Thanks for reading. I needed to get this outside of me. Sorry for the hit and run posting, it's all I'm capable of.....
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2008, at 20:52:10
In reply to Now only one left..., posted by 10derHeart on May 3, 2008, at 20:06:48
((((10der))))
You really do have an amazing relationship with your therapist.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 3, 2008, at 23:31:28
In reply to Re: Now only one left... » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2008, at 20:52:10
Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2008, at 8:15:27
In reply to Now only one left..., posted by 10derHeart on May 3, 2008, at 20:06:48
I know how hard this is, since I came inches from doing it myself.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 5, 2008, at 12:57:51
In reply to Now only one left..., posted by 10derHeart on May 3, 2008, at 20:06:48
That is amazing. I'm glad he's able to do what you need him to do and I have no doubt that he will continue to do that.
I'm thinking about you.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 5, 2008, at 13:41:52
In reply to Re: Now only one left... » 10derHeart, posted by TherapyGirl on May 5, 2008, at 12:57:51
Thanks - both of you. All of you.
So he didn't answer 2 emails from the weekend yet. He normally does that early in the a.m.before he sees his first clinet :-(
And I left a voicemail one hour ago - crying - and saying, no, begging he call me back as I'm so stressed out with moving issues AND i think he's sick or something. He had allergy symptoms last week but he was confident it wasn't anything worse....but what if he was wrong? What if he'ssick. he CAN'T get sick.Not now.
i'm freaking out. Change sucks. It reduces me to a messy pile of uselessness. My daughter is having to be with me and tell me what to do.poor thing. Too bad she doesn'thave an adult mother.
Please, please, please call me back soon.please.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 5, 2008, at 20:45:50
In reply to Re: Now only one left..., posted by 10derHeart on May 5, 2008, at 13:41:52
I hope he's called you back by now, 10der. I'm glad your daughter is there helping you.
Posted by DAisym on May 7, 2008, at 20:45:47
In reply to Re: Now only one left... » 10derHeart, posted by TherapyGirl on May 5, 2008, at 20:45:50
Posted by muffled on May 7, 2008, at 22:10:13
In reply to Re: Now only one left..., posted by 10derHeart on May 5, 2008, at 13:41:52
Awwww 10der.
(((((((((((((((((((10der))))))))))))))))))))))
I hope you settling some,I just read this.
Its got to hurt :-(
But it WILL ease.
Hope your T has responded.
If not, call again.
Once your ready, let us know how you are doing.
Take special good care.
M
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