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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 2, 2007, at 17:43:12
You have been too quiet.
Midnightblue
Posted by ElaineM on January 3, 2007, at 23:15:14
In reply to Elaine, How are you?, posted by MidnightBlue on January 2, 2007, at 17:43:12
I'm not well, but I'm going through day after day.
I'll say a little more tomorrow - maybe. It's hard to talk. I've gone through a h*ll of alot the last month, and it feels like I've been underwater the whole time. It honestly feels like 31 days happened in the blink of an eye - today was a big day. I don't always feel safe here anymore. Anywhere really. But today was pretty horrible, (and night is always worse) so I thought I'd post. But I also haven't been very lucid lately. I'm just really really struggling. And everything is piling up - it's not "just" T. I feel me reaching my shut-down point.But thanks for asking of me. It makes me feel present. And thought of.
(((MB)))
blove, EL
Posted by muffled on January 3, 2007, at 23:32:12
In reply to Re: Elaine, How are you? » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on January 3, 2007, at 23:15:14
Been watching for you to post.
Dunno what to say :(
Wish you felt safe enough to share some of your burden with us :(
thinking of you.
Muffy
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 4, 2007, at 10:48:04
In reply to Re: Elaine, How are you? » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on January 3, 2007, at 23:15:14
When you say you do not feel safe "here" do you mean on this web site or where you physicially are? Please take care. There are things you can do to enhance your safety.
MB
Posted by ElaineM on January 4, 2007, at 14:37:02
In reply to Re: Elaine, How are you? » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on January 4, 2007, at 10:48:04
Hi MB: I meant on the board -- but only cause people are on the board [to sound completely ridiculous]. But I also meant outside around others. My startle effect is so hypersensitive. A horn. Someone speaking too loudly. Quick movement. Anything. I haven't had a problem being able to tolerate others for a long time. And then it was more to do with the anorexia. THis doesn't have to do with my T. But I'm not gonna talk about it. It's not appropriate. And I don't want to think about it when it's forgotten. Plus there'd be no point sharing. I've been taking care of myself. I just can't talk about it. But I didn't mean "not safe with myself" - as in SI. I've been good with that lately. If someone else would do it for me, that'd be a different story. But for now, I don't even have an urge to inflict more myself.
Alot of hard things going on with T - as usual. But I think everyone's sick of hearing the T stuff - especially when I don't leave. I don't want to alienate myself, so I don't post instead. WHich sounds really dumb when I type it out -- cause I'm doing it to myself then -- but that's me.
thanks for listening
blove EL
Posted by caraher on January 4, 2007, at 14:37:54
In reply to Re: Elaine, How are you? » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on January 4, 2007, at 10:48:04
> When you say you do not feel safe "here" do you mean on this web site or where you physicially are? Please take care. There are things you can do to enhance your safety.
I'm pretty sure she means on Babble... I asked her about the safety of where she lives in a Babblemail and she assured me that it was OK.
(((Elaine)))
Posted by ElaineM on January 4, 2007, at 14:53:05
In reply to ((((((((((((((((((((((((EL)))))))))))))))))))))))), posted by muffled on January 3, 2007, at 23:32:12
Muff, Thanks for being a friend. You always ask about others, and it's nice of you :)
I don't like sharing burden - I can't stand the idea of hurting another. And I'm sure that's what I do. But also, it's really scary to share stuff. And embarassing -- Who else would be such a fr*ggin loser to get in the same situations as me, and not be able to do more. No one. It makes me feel like the only person in the world. All the stuff I've written before had been humiliating -- confusingly, liberating at the time, humiliating now. Probably just casue I end up repeating new versions of the same sh*t over and over and over. And months have disappeared and I'm in the same place -- psychologically, emotionally and even health-wise :( I hate that a new year has begun - another end is so far away. Okay, I'm rambling now. Gotta stop.I always look forward to hearing from you, so thanks again.
Hugs back.
blove EL
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 4, 2007, at 16:18:05
In reply to Re: Elaine, How are you? » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on January 3, 2007, at 23:15:14
Elaine,
I'm not "well" either. I think most of us identify with that. Right now I have a fairly high level of physical pain. And I just go day to day. I have to. No big plans for the future, just trying to make it through one more day.
There are times I haven't felt safe on PBabble. There are several boards I either don't read, don't post on, or read and post on only when I'm feeling strong. Even then I try to be careful what I say. Sometimes, I think that is a loss for PBabble because I do have something important to say I just don't feel like I can say it.
That said, there are always PEOPLE on PBabble I have felt safe with. I'm hoping you have found some of those people. You can aways Babble mail when you are afraid.
I have never read anything that you have written that is inappropriate. You are a very eloquent writer. Don't be afraid of who you are. You don't contaminate me.
You are thought of, prayed for, worried about even when I don't post to you. It is MY choice to reach out to you. If I feel myself being triggered or upset I will pull back. Sometimes when I don't post it is just because I am dealing with a lot myself it has nothing to do with you or anyone else.
Take care,
Midnightblue
> I'm not well, but I'm going through day after day.
> I'll say a little more tomorrow - maybe. It's hard to talk. I've gone through a h*ll of alot the last month, and it feels like I've been underwater the whole time. It honestly feels like 31 days happened in the blink of an eye - today was a big day. I don't always feel safe here anymore. Anywhere really. But today was pretty horrible, (and night is always worse) so I thought I'd post. But I also haven't been very lucid lately. I'm just really really struggling. And everything is piling up - it's not "just" T. I feel me reaching my shut-down point.
>
> But thanks for asking of me. It makes me feel present. And thought of.
> (((MB)))
> blove, EL
Posted by ElaineM on January 4, 2007, at 20:26:51
In reply to Re: Elaine, How are you? » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on January 4, 2007, at 16:18:05
>>>>>There are times I haven't felt safe on PBabble. There are several boards I either don't read, don't post on, or read and post on only when I'm feeling strong.
That makes sense. [and I'm sorry you don't feel well either - it makes everything so hard] I feel that sometimes, but it's more like I feel scared typing myself, rather than reading others. I mean, the reading of stuff (if it's something I find upsetting) can upset me. But usually it's about letting other people know things about me, and how I feel.
>>>>> You don't contaminate me.
You're not the only one who's told me that. I try to believe that - it's just hard. [At least online stuff lets me not worry about how, and the way, I think my physical appearance contributes to offending others - BDD, not EDthing] I really have to repeat that to myself when I'm suppposed to talk to LadyT - when we email. I'll try and remember that you've said that.
>>>>It is MY choice to reach out to you... Sometimes when I don't post it is just because I am dealing with a lot myself it has nothing to do with you or anyone else.
I know - I think. I don't think I project much - outside of the idea that I feel like I infect those I'm around, and think the world feels the same. It took a few years of basically living with a bunch of T's to learn it, but that's always been one of the few pluses I ascribe to me having developed an ED. Lets me believe it had a purpose - other than destruction. Plus I still have binders of their lecture notes to read if I ever forget :)
Part of the problem too (about why I find it hard to update) is that I'm always behind on sending replies off to T. It's hard to write here, or anywhere, when I feel bad about not being able to summon words for him. I think the feeling of obligation made me stop being able to write him as much. Maybe that guilt carries over to writing here now. I don't know.
Part is also that I can't see a point in sharing sadness. That it can't really do anything - if not only suck the "happy" out of everyone else. I always feel like it's my job to protect not only me from people, but people from me.
But I'll remember that when you offer an ear, you mean it. I'm sorry if I've seemed more defensive - I know I am, and it's still growing. I can't help it, but know that it's just something I'm going through inside.
thanks MB
blove El
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