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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tamar on April 20, 2006, at 9:41:56
Argh! After therapy yesterday I'm fairly convinced that my therapist feels intimidated by me. We were talking about my relationship with my father when I was a teenager and he asked me if I thought perhaps my father had been frightened of me, because of my frequent intellectual challenging of him. And it didn't ring true at all (I think my father was more irked at my 'lack of respect' than frightened). But it sounded as if it was coming straight out of the countertransference, especially as not 5 minutes earlier he'd said something about me evaluating his performance, and he looked as if he felt a bit vulnerable (closed body language etc).
Don't know how to fix it...
Meanwhile huge fights with husband; have cut myself again recently and wanted to cut myself more after today's fight. Instead I've decided to leave him. Can't go on like this. It has to stop. Can't stand being shouted at right now. I try to talk carefully and rationally with him but he just screams and curses at me and I can't take it. I've begged him to stop but it just continues. I know I'm not easy to live with, especially because of the depression, but I can't handle the emotional rollercoaster.
Gee, and there I was worrying about the transference in therapy... when the biggest problem is the transference in my marriage... When my father screamed at me, I left the house. And I can't stay with my husband when he screams at me so much. I don't want to leave the kids but I can't tolerate it even one more day. I don't want to hurt the kids but I will hurt myself if I stay.
Anyway, just wanted to say if you don't hear from me for a little while, it'll be because I'm nowhere near a computer, but I'll try to check in if I get the chance.
Thanks everyone for all your support.
Love,
Tamar
Posted by happyflower on April 20, 2006, at 9:53:13
In reply to Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***), posted by Tamar on April 20, 2006, at 9:41:56
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I hope you are still nearby. I am too, triggered by people yelling at me.
It sounds like your T is being honest with how he is feeling. My T thought I was critical of him, which I was, he was right. I don't think he is frightened of you though. I think it is normal to challenge our T's.
But the thing with your DH is scary. You need to do what you need to do to keep safe. I feel at lost of words to say. I am really worried about you. Do you have someone you can stay with instead of being alone? I don't want you to hurt yourself. ((((Tamar)))) Can you get in to see your T and talk about your DH at least. OR least maybe he will talk to you over the phone. I wish I could help you, you have been such an angel to me. Please call your T , and don't hurt yourself anymore, please! WE LOVE YOU TAMAR!
Posted by Dinah on April 20, 2006, at 10:12:49
In reply to Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***), posted by Tamar on April 20, 2006, at 9:41:56
Tamar, please stay safe. That's the main thing your kids need. Is there someone you can stay with?
Posted by happyflower on April 20, 2006, at 10:16:39
In reply to ((((((((Tamar))))))))), posted by happyflower on April 20, 2006, at 9:53:13
I so much want to reach out and give you a hug, even though I know it isn't enough to make the hurt go away. Please keep safe.
Is your MIL still in the hospital? Is this what your DH is so stressed about?
Posted by milly on April 20, 2006, at 11:02:15
In reply to Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***), posted by Tamar on April 20, 2006, at 9:41:56
Oh Tamar
I'm so sad you are hurting so much, I have no words just stay safe and know how special you are.
((((((((tamar)))))))))))))
milly
Posted by gardenergirl on April 20, 2006, at 11:09:18
In reply to Re: Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***) » Tamar, posted by milly on April 20, 2006, at 11:02:15
Tamar,
It sounds like you had a good insight about the fights and your leaving. It sounds like it's been so distressing and triggering. I join the others in saying do what you need to do to stay safe. And I'll be thinking of you.Take care,
gg
Posted by B2chica on April 20, 2006, at 11:20:13
In reply to Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***), posted by Tamar on April 20, 2006, at 9:41:56
((((((((Tamar)))))))))))
unfortunately i too have run across a few T's that become 'intimidated' or feel threatened by me when i mean nothing by it. i think it's just a conflict of personalities cuz i'm finally learning to say what i think and i need to do that without worrying about the consequences (others' hurt feelings) that's what's always stopped me before and i need to get out of that cycle.
you need to be able to do that also.
sometime it helps to bring it up, sometimes as third person, tell him you talked with someone the other day and you felt that they became intimidated by what you said and became defensive -1)gets your feelings out, 2)puts them in 'helper' mode and 3)maybe alerts them to they were acting like a jack@$$ (IMHO).i know that's not much help. but i had to put in my 2cents there.
cutting once is like smoking one cigarette for me...can't do it, it just snowballs more severe cutting. i hope you can stop this before it becomes too much for you to handle. try to quickly go to your positive coping skills. please do what you need to do to not SI.
about your husband, i think you need to put yourself first. think about what YOU need, what is best for you. cuz if your needs are met then and ONLY then can you effectively meet the needs of your children. Trust me, they would rather have you healthy and safe then keeping in a marriage that pushes you to the edge. they wouldn't want that. kids will be upset, hurt but mostly they're confused so you need to weigh the needs for them. they don't have the whole picture and will only see mommy and daddy 'splitting up'. when they get older they would be able to understand but they can't now. so don't put your decision on temporary 'happiness'.
only you see the big picture.
i am worried about you. and heck nobody's easy to live with but what makes it work is one another respecting the other's needs. which apparently yours are being clearly ignored. it does not sound like a tolerable situation. it also sounds like beyond the verbal abuse from your husband it is very triggering for childhood memories...this only exasserbates your symptoms. this is NOt a healthy situation for you.please please please becareful. and remember we're just a few mouse clicks away.
always here.b2c.
Posted by orchid on April 20, 2006, at 13:57:46
In reply to Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***), posted by Tamar on April 20, 2006, at 9:41:56
((Tamar))
Please say a strict no to self-injury.
I think it is fairly likely that your therapist is intimidated of you. I think you have a very high intelligence, and insight, and as I have said before, you yourself could have been an excellent therapist or have written even books on the subject.
That is probably what is making your T intimidated - he probably thinks his insights or advices are not enough for you.
Maybe you should tell him upfront, that you really have excellent insights into yourself, and that you have been doing this tremendous job of helping out people here in this board, and as a result, that you do know lot of things about therapy and self etc. That will set the platform for your T to treat you. Tell him, that logically knowing things even about emotions is different from emotionally feeling better and realising the logistical knowledge.
It sounds your situation at home is very hard to take now. I think you are doing the right thing by leaving and going someplace else. But I wouldn't want you staying alone anywhere. Is there anyone's place you can go and stay for a while?
I think your husband is stressed out because of your cutting. And I think that is what is making him get defensive and shouting. For men, it is incomprehensible to perhaps understand things like cutting. He probably takes it on himself, and thinks you are cutting yourself as a means of hurting him or you are expressing your unhappiness with him by cutting yourself. In any case, he should be able to handle it more maturely instead of shouting at you. That is only making it worse. Maybe you can go to your marriage counsellor and ask her to help?
I think if you stop cutting, he might probably become little less defensive.
But in the meanwhile, do you have your parents or others nearby to whom you could go and stay? Maybe you can even take the kids with you and go on a holiday to your parents house for a few days. Is that possible? I don't want you staying all by yourself when you are hurting. Please stay in the safe eyes of others who care about you.
And please seek out help here.Take Care
Orchid
Posted by LadyBug on April 20, 2006, at 14:54:58
In reply to Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***), posted by Tamar on April 20, 2006, at 9:41:56
(((((((TAMAR)))))))
I'm so sorry for you. I hope you can find a safe place to go. And I worry about your kids too. Do they need to be with you?? Can you take them with? Will you all be safe? I'm worried for you. I'm sorry your husband is being mean. I understand wanting to get away from him and I think you should. Enough is enough. Please take care and be safe. I won't say anything about the cutting as I don't understand it and can't judge you. I just know that your hurting.
We are here for you always. Let us know how you are.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by caraher on April 20, 2006, at 22:06:05
In reply to Re: Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***) » Tamar, posted by LadyBug on April 20, 2006, at 14:54:58
Just add a "me too" to the other expressions of worry and concern. We're always here to listen if you need it - you know I am, right? Please take good care of yourself...
(((Tamar)))
Posted by damos on April 20, 2006, at 22:19:52
In reply to Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***), posted by Tamar on April 20, 2006, at 9:41:56
Add me to the chorus too.
Please be safe dear one and do whatever you need to to take care of you.
((((((((((Tamar))))))))))
You know where I am, for anything anytime. Feel free to lean just as hard and long as you need to.
Lots of loving, healing thoughts and wishes coming your way.
Damos
Posted by Tamar on April 25, 2006, at 19:53:17
In reply to Honey, I scared the shrink... (***trigger***), posted by Tamar on April 20, 2006, at 9:41:56
I'm back at home, and we're trying to work things out. I don't know how much opportunity I'll get to read or post, because I'm doing a lot of sleeping and other forms of hiding, but it means a lot to me to have your support.
Love,
Tamar
This is the end of the thread.
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