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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on February 9, 2006, at 18:09:29
My T is always asking me, so how are you and your DH doing. The answer is always the same for the last year, no, there is nothing, no there is not sex, no there is not talking. No there is no love, no he doesn't show any caring.
Well I think when you grow up with no love or caring you don't expect it to always be in your life. Yeah, my marriage sucks right now, but you know what I have been in worse living condidtions. It isn't like he is beating me or yelling at me or anything. I think I am making the most of a bad situation.
Getting a divorse won't make the situation any better. I still won't have love and caring, or sex. But it would turn my life upside down and my kids lives too. So I am sticking with my descison. Yeah, my life could be better, but it could also be like my childhood too, much worse.
My T thinks I am going to reach a breaking point like I have before with my DH. He is probably right (isn't he always, the little jerk, lol) but what is wrong with settling with less than perfect?
I think it bothers him more than me because it reminds him of his parents marriage which wasn't good either. Well they are still married after 60+ years, and he and his siblings have survived and are sucessful. So what the heck?
He told me he can offer advice on how to stay in the survive an unhappy marriage until I am ready to break away. So I guess this is what I am going to work at with his help. After this, I should be done with therapy. I have had enough, I am doing okay. Yeah, my T says my life could be better, well so could his life and everyone else's I know.
I think love is an illision. For me everybody who has meant anything to me, I have lost. Love just doesn't last, is it ellusive. Why even try anymore to acheive something that never works for me? Sometimes I think it is just better to not expect anything from anyone, or you will just live in a disapointing world.
Posted by Dinah on February 9, 2006, at 20:04:31
In reply to I think I want to talk about this in therapy, posted by happyflower on February 9, 2006, at 18:09:29
I think the key to happiness is low expectations, but not so low that you expect nothing. I think the key is to have expectations that are achievable by the person you're expecting them from.
And usually it's possible to have some expectations of nearly everyone that they can meet. And that helps you view them differently.
Nothing will turn my husband into an empath. And wanting him to be more sensitive and nurturing will leave me hurting. But I can easily expect him to be reliable, supportive, faithful, and an assortment of other things that he can do easily. I feel better about him because he's meeting my expectations. And he feels better about me because he knows he's meeting my expectations. Our marriage ends up far more pleasant.
In the same way, if he has expectations that I'll be great at sex, or remember obligations without prompting, he'll be really disappointed. But if he expects me to do the things I'm good at, he can appreciate me.
I don't think children gain much benefit from parents staying together in a totally miserable way. But I think children gain a lot from parents staying together and making the most of what they've got - if both parents are reasonably good parents.
Is your husband a good dad? Are there things you do like about him? Are there things about him you could like even more if you thought about them? Can you respect him? Can he behave with respect towards you?
You're right about the typical economic status of women after divorce. That's no reason to stay with someone abusive. But it definitely is a consideration in the real world.
I'm a big believer in the good enough marriage, spouse, parent, etc. Can your marriage be good enough?
Posted by sleepygirl on February 9, 2006, at 20:07:31
In reply to I think I want to talk about this in therapy, posted by happyflower on February 9, 2006, at 18:09:29
ouch happy, that's quite a thought
I'm struggling with some similar stuff
My T said once that a famine can be as bad as or worse than a war
I don't know though......I think I get what you're saying - I don't really like to talk about my relationship because it doesn't really change, and I guess I get the feeling that if I'm not going to do anything about it well then I shouldn't complain about it - cause it's painful too, it really is - but some things you get used to, for better or worse, unless you make a choice - and then that of course has it's own consequences doesn't it?
what is good enough? I suppose is the question - and really hard because it comes down sometimes to a decision-all YOUR decision, and doesn't that suck?
Anyway, be well with whatever you do
Posted by crazy teresa on February 9, 2006, at 21:09:17
In reply to I think I want to talk about this in therapy, posted by happyflower on February 9, 2006, at 18:09:29
True love is not a feeling, it is a decision we make.
This is the end of the thread.
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