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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Joslynn on January 19, 2005, at 14:20:18
I am starting a new relationship and am so clueless about this, didn't have good role models. So far, this seems like a relatively normal relationship compared to my others, and this person does not have any inner demons & is not a player. So I want to give this an honest try.
Of course this is something I discuss in therapy. But my therapist is divorced, has been for some time, and doesn't seem interested in dating again. I guess she is close to 60.
My question is, can someone who has been divorced for years and years really be able to guide me in a relationship? I sometimes wish I had a therapist who was happily married. It would make me feel more secure about discussing relationships.
What do others think about this? My therapist does have a lot of knowledge about family dynamics, depression, communicating, etc., but the fact is, her marriage ended and she has not been in one for years. I want to get married one day to a nice man and stay married.
Can she help me anyway? Sometimes I wonder...
Posted by annierose on January 19, 2005, at 15:32:03
In reply to does therapist need good relationship to advise?, posted by Joslynn on January 19, 2005, at 14:20:18
I think absolutely! It's like the shoemakers kids with no shoes. Just because she herself wasn't in a successful relationship, she still knows what makes a good one. My T also counsels married couples, and I appreciate her insight into my marriage (even though she will never meet my husband). So far, she has been dead on right!
So that says something too. Without ever meeting my husband, based on my stories, she is able to help us as a couple. I think your T will too. That is what her education and years of experience brings to the table.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 19, 2005, at 16:20:34
In reply to does therapist need good relationship to advise?, posted by Joslynn on January 19, 2005, at 14:20:18
Joslyn way cool I am happy for you.....As to your T...I think she can be objective and has had a lot of training so yes I think she can be very effective in helping. I DO understand why you would wonder though. I do not have a deep wound but I can clean and stitch you up in a heartbeat if you had one...it's all a case of training. Still YOU know her better and as a person. Enjoy the new relationship
> I am starting a new relationship and am so clueless about this, didn't have good role models. So far, this seems like a relatively normal relationship compared to my others, and this person does not have any inner demons & is not a player. So I want to give this an honest try.
>
> Of course this is something I discuss in therapy. But my therapist is divorced, has been for some time, and doesn't seem interested in dating again. I guess she is close to 60.
>
> My question is, can someone who has been divorced for years and years really be able to guide me in a relationship? I sometimes wish I had a therapist who was happily married. It would make me feel more secure about discussing relationships.
>
> What do others think about this? My therapist does have a lot of knowledge about family dynamics, depression, communicating, etc., but the fact is, her marriage ended and she has not been in one for years. I want to get married one day to a nice man and stay married.
>
> Can she help me anyway? Sometimes I wonder...
Posted by Dinah on January 19, 2005, at 16:39:01
In reply to does therapist need good relationship to advise?, posted by Joslynn on January 19, 2005, at 14:20:18
Maybe she'll be even better, because she'll be totally objective. :)
Posted by alexandra_k on January 19, 2005, at 17:24:31
In reply to does therapist need good relationship to advise?, posted by Joslynn on January 19, 2005, at 14:20:18
Well, I would say that her ability to help you would depend on a number of things...
She may have some core beliefs about guys being bad or hurtful or she might think all marriages are a sham or whatever, who knows?
She may think that what happened with her and her x doesn't have to happen for everyone. She may think that some people make a decision to be with someone and that that can be the best thing for them, who knows?
And whatever she might really think she may be pretty good at putting that in the background and just helping you with what you have decided to do anyway.
Sometimes I find that t's experiences can be either helpful or hurtful. I have gone to drug and alchohol councellors who think that they have all the answers for me and my situation because they seem to beleive that they have been in exactly the same situation as me. Sometimes I find that it is more helpful to go to someone who freely admits that they don't know what it is like to be me, or to be in my situation.
I don't think we should hold t's personal experiences either against them or for them.
It is what they DO with the experiences they have had that is important.
Why not just give her a chance and see how it goes?
Posted by Shortelise on January 19, 2005, at 20:17:13
In reply to does therapist need good relationship to advise?, posted by Joslynn on January 19, 2005, at 14:20:18
I think it's the old "do as I say, not as I do" thing.
I believe a competent therapist in any circumstances can be a strong support for you.
My T is a man, and we talk about woman stuff all the time, and I find him very insightful.
Best of luck with this new relationship. I think kindness is the most important thing.
ShortE
Posted by terrics on January 20, 2005, at 6:34:46
In reply to Re: does therapist need good relationship to advise?, posted by Shortelise on January 19, 2005, at 20:17:13
My pdoc said that I do not have to like my T. for her to help me as long as she is well trained. However she is a DBT therapist. I don't like her. terrics
Posted by Joslynn on January 20, 2005, at 8:56:35
In reply to Re: does therapist need good relationship to advise? » Shortelise, posted by terrics on January 20, 2005, at 6:34:46
Thanks for the responses. I think I will definitely stick with current T. She does have good insight and knows me quite well. However, in addition, I think I should find some sort of mentor at my church or somewhere else, someone who is in a good marriage.
I never saw marriage as a fairy tale, in fact, when I was a kid I said I would never get married, because I was so horrified by my parents' marriage. I wanted no part of anything like that! I stayed single throughout my 20s and thought people who got married in their 20s were rushing things. Now that I am in my 30s, I think I could get married IF it was to a good person, someone healthy.
I feel like I do not have a model of a healthy marriage. Some of my friends are married, but it hasn't been long enough for them to really know how it will all pan out. And already, I can see that some of their marriages are not so great. Most seem all right though.
I don't want to end up in a bad marriage that contributes to my depression and anxiety, no way.
Well, just rambling now...thanks for the input.
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