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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:32:49
Needs relief. Now.
Pretty sure I'm going to si.
Positive I'll be careful and do no harm.
Promised my therapist I wouldn't. Feel kind of guilty about it.
Don't think it would help any to call him. Just frustrate him, and frustrate me more. I'm not sure whether he'd be more angry if I did, but si'd anyway, or didn't. I don't need him mad at me.
Posted by littleone on December 12, 2004, at 14:46:38
In reply to Too much pressure (trigger), posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:32:49
Dinah, please don't do that. I don't know what time it is in your part of the world, but can you see someone or talk to someone you know? Can you do something nice for yourself? Are you still reading at the moment?
Posted by rubenstein on December 12, 2004, at 14:46:42
In reply to Too much pressure (trigger), posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:32:49
Dinah
Please try to be strong. It is so easier said than done, I gave in this week after a big hiatus fron SIing and felt awful about it. I called my therapist a couple of days later and I could tell he was frustrated. It is so hard, but you can do it. Try to divert yourself, maybe take a shower, that sometimes helps me. I know how awful that feeling is...granted I have no idea of how you feel, but that feeling of having to do something to try to get out of the pain is so hard to deal with sometimes. I send you hugs and support.
rubenstein
Posted by littleone on December 12, 2004, at 15:06:58
In reply to Too much pressure (trigger), posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:32:49
Dinah,
I've just read your posts on Social, so I'm presuming that's why you're feeling the pressure so much now.
I can really see how much you want a grown up to tell you what to do. You really need help with this Dinah. I know you don't have a lot of people you can talk to, but have you talked to your T about this much? I know they aren't supposed to tell you what to do about things, but you really need some help here. Has he given you any advice about the problems you're having?
I hope you're still reading. I'd really like to see you post back.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 15:40:57
In reply to Re: Too much pressure (trigger) » Dinah, posted by littleone on December 12, 2004, at 15:06:58
Didn't mean to disappear. Decided to try to get the pressure out with some meds and vigorous housework. So far it's not really working.
I spoke to my therapist yesterday about my Daddy, but there's really nothing he can do. He's kind of in a hard position, I suppose, and really has to stay neutral for the sake of our future relationship. It just made me feel more starkly alone in this to call him.
I was sobbing about wanting to be able to call someone, and there being no one to call. And I jokingly? (ok, not a joke precisely, but not serious either) said that I should bring my vet along, because I trusted him more than the hospice people. And my poor therapist got all alarmed thinking I was seriously going to call my vet. Sigh.
No, I don't think calling him would help any. And it might hurt.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 15:51:27
In reply to Re: Too much pressure (trigger), posted by rubenstein on December 12, 2004, at 14:46:42
I'm sorry you had trouble sticking to it too. I have been abstinent for so long that I refer to it as a former problem.
I'm really trying alternatives, but I wonder a bit why I'm trying so hard, except to please my therapist. I don't cause any lasting damage. It's probably less harmful to me than binge spending or overeating.
I just don't want him to be mad, and I did promise, so I'm trying not to. I just don't think I'll succeed.
Posted by littleone on December 12, 2004, at 16:09:22
In reply to Re: Too much pressure (trigger) » littleone, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 15:40:57
> Didn't mean to disappear. Decided to try to get the pressure out with some meds and vigorous housework. So far it's not really working.
Thanks for re-appearing. I was really worried about you. I've had problems with si in the past. Now I'll go for ages without it, then suddenly one day, WHAM, I need it need it need it now.
At the moment, when I'm quite rational, I can see that it only brings immediate short term relief. It doesn't really make anything better. Just kind of shoves the problems and feelings away for a while. But I can't see that when I'm at the need it stage. I just need it.
It helped a lot when my T made me show him my si afterwards. And not just show it briefly, but keep it on display for the whole session. Ack ack ack. I find that a great deterrent knowing that he'll demand that again. Do you do that with your T?
> I spoke to my therapist yesterday about my Daddy, but there's really nothing he can do. He's kind of in a hard position, I suppose, and really has to stay neutral for the sake of our future relationship. It just made me feel more starkly alone in this to call him.
But by the same token, you really need some help in deciding these things. If your T won't/can't help, is there some sort of other person you can talk it over with? Like maybe not a T as such, but a councellor or something? I'm sure the hospice place or a hospital or something has some councellors that help with these sort of decisions. I'd say they still wouldn't tell you want to do, but they might have a different take on it if they deal with these sort of problems all the time.Sorry I can't help you more myself. I'm not real good at people stuff.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 17:38:58
In reply to Re: Too much pressure (trigger) » Dinah, posted by littleone on December 12, 2004, at 16:09:22
Sometimes that works. Saying I can't do it to myself just makes me want to do it more. Saying I'll do it, but first let me... sometimes delays it enough to make it no longer necessary.
My therapist has seen it a few times, but I think I initiated it, not him. I try to make sure my son never ever sees what I have done, which makes physical disclosure iffy in a therapy setting. I'm not sure if he would even if it were in a more public location though. He's got a very big problem about SI. I suspect he doesn't work with it very often.
He thinks it's weird that I think *he* has a problem with SI. But I envy people the therapists that understand it better and are less judgmental.
Posted by Aphrodite on December 12, 2004, at 17:53:18
In reply to Too much pressure (trigger), posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:32:49
Just read your message and glad to hear that you thought to try some alternatives -- I'm sorry they didn't work. Keep thinking of alternatives until SI is option number 25 billion zillion, OK?
I really hate that this issue seems to set off alarm bells in his head. That's really not the way to handle it. Seems like he should go to some professional development, seek consultation, or do some heavy-duty reading so that his reactions don't cause you even further pain. Of course, I don't know a Miss Manners way to suggest it.
I know you are name, rank, and serial number with your pdoc, but does he know about the SI? Maybe he could be more helpful?
I've heard things about submerging your hands in ice or taking a hot shower or some other shock to the system in order to deal with it. Have you tried that and if so, does it work?
I'll keep you in my prayers.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by littleone on December 12, 2004, at 18:03:20
In reply to I'm procrastinating » littleone, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 17:38:58
> Sometimes that works. Saying I can't do it to myself just makes me want to do it more. Saying I'll do it, but first let me... sometimes delays it enough to make it no longer necessary.
Where is your son or husband at the moment? If they are out can you say "I'll do it after x o'clock", ie after they get home? Then you would have them as a distraction and it would obviously be a deterrent to do it with your son there. But that might all be a terrible idea. I'm no good at parenting stuff either.
> He's got a very big problem about SI. I suspect he doesn't work with it very often.
>
> He thinks it's weird that I think *he* has a problem with SI. But I envy people the therapists that understand it better and are less judgmental.If he thinks it's weird that you think he has a problem with it, then maybe he doesn't have a problem with it?? Maybe you're projecting something on to him? Although, you haven't mentioned exactly how he is judgemental. I hope he doesn't turn green and say "eww gross" when he sees it. Then it would be a pretty safe bet he does have a problem with it :)
Regardless of how he reacts, maybe you could promise yourself (and them him at your next appointment) that you'll always show it to him. That way, you may be less likely to do it in a place that is too private.
Posted by vwoolf on December 13, 2004, at 8:42:39
In reply to Re: I'm procrastinating (trigger) » Dinah, posted by littleone on December 12, 2004, at 18:03:20
Oh Dinah, I've read the posts about your Dad and I'm sorry it's so hard. I have been through this twice already, and I know there is no right answer. Little One made a very good suggestion - Hospice has counsellors who are trained to work with the dying and the bereaved. I know they were very helpful to me in understanding the meaning of what is happening, and taking the hurt and drama out of it without touching the dignity of those involved. They are incredibly compassionate people. Try and see one of them if you can.
Thinking of you. Take care. Try not to take this out on yourself if you can.
A warm hug.
VWoolf
Posted by cubic_me on December 13, 2004, at 10:28:31
In reply to Re: I'm procrastinating (trigger) » Dinah, posted by littleone on December 12, 2004, at 18:03:20
Dinah - I hope that things have settled down some now. The urge to SI can sometimes hit so fast and hard that you don't know what to do with yourself. Is there anyone you can talk to who is more OK with it? Sometimes normalising it can make you feel much better about yourself.
When I am in that mindset that nothing but SI will do, I try to keep busy busy busy, and stay around other people as a distraction. It can hold off the urge long enough for you to make a more rational decision.
Posted by Dinah on December 17, 2004, at 6:51:20
In reply to Too much pressure (trigger), posted by Dinah on December 12, 2004, at 14:32:49
After the first slip, my body seems to be putting me to sleep whenever the urges get too bad. That's working ok, except that I don't get my needed medications. Plus, I can't always afford to sleep, especially since my husband can't be here all the time.
This is the end of the thread.
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