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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 20:30:17
Ugh,
Today in therapy I talked about how good I felt last week, but that I was concerned it was directly related to positive feedback. I didn't want to feel shackled to external "sources" of happiness. So, I'm shackled at the moment.But in this session, I never felt more self-conscious than I did today. I felt like I was totally not able to make sense...like I was just rambling along. I wound up cursing depression and feeling lost and adrift...at the whims of whatever prevailing winds might be blowing.
My T did not "rescue me". He really said much less this time for most of the session than usual. Ugh, it felt so lost and unconnected. I really really hated that feeling. So, how can I be shackled and adrift at the same time? Did I make a move, perhaps unconsciously, to cut the shackles, and then freaked myself out by noticing the anchor was let loose?
Ugh, it was very confusing. Not unproductive. We also talked about one of the rich dreams I've had lately (bless the reduction of Nardil and subsequent REM rebound).
And the very end, my T, bless his soul, did something very cute, revealing, and lovable. I said something wondering about how our clients might "prime" us for whatever issues of our own might be "hot" at the moment...(I was thinking of a session with a client the day before who had a tremendous amount of anger. Anger was one of the things my T and I dealt with today.) Anyway, I said, "Who knows how this all works?" He was booting up his computer to schedule our next session, and he said with a slightly sly grin, "I know...but I'm not telling."
It was just so cute!
Aaaaagh! Therapy is hard.
gg
Posted by annierose on December 8, 2004, at 21:20:37
In reply to Feeling adrift.... so long happiness, posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 20:30:17
Posted by Susan47 on December 8, 2004, at 21:41:58
In reply to Feeling adrift.... so long happiness, posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 20:30:17
GG,
My therapist once threw something at me, he was being playful, and I saw a glimmer of little boy naughtiness and it was cute too. I know what you mean, how it struck you. Mmmmmm.
Posted by Dinah on December 8, 2004, at 21:56:13
In reply to Feeling adrift.... so long happiness, posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 20:30:17
That *is* cute. And I'm glad he chose that moment to do that.
Do you find that one or two really extra special good sessions are often followed by one of those awkward disconnected sessions? I do. I find it really disturbing, but I can't seem to avoid it. And it's happened often enough that for me at least it can't be a coincidence.
Do you experience the same thing?
Posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 23:07:14
In reply to Re: Feeling adrift.... so long happiness » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on December 8, 2004, at 21:56:13
Dinah,
I guess I am glad to hear that this might be "normal" (hah! that word again!). I really can't recall feeling so disconnected. It was a new experience for me, which made it all the harder. I do wonder if it's not actually a sign that I am being more open to whatever I am feeling...more honest...I don't know. Actually, I had been struggling with the usual difficulty turning down the rational noise and just kind of sinking into the process. We talked about that some, how I still am not at ease right away, and of course the "sh" word (should) reared its ugly head about that. So maybe in trying to let myself go more, I connected with feeling adrift and how scary that is, whereas in the past I defended against it?Ack! There I go analyzing it again. I need an on/off switch for the frontal cortex. :)
I always want to think that what happens in therapy is good for me, though. I suppose I need to think about that kind of idealization as well. Shoot.
Rambling on
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 23:08:10
In reply to Re: Feeling adrift.... so long happiness, posted by Susan47 on December 8, 2004, at 21:41:58
Yeah, it was nice to see that side of him. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it makes me smile to think about it.
gg
Posted by annierose on December 8, 2004, at 23:14:57
In reply to Re: Feeling adrift.... so long happiness » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 23:07:14
GG - Sounds like he was just being spontaneous and playful. Anyway, in reading your reply you talked about difficulty into easing into therapy ... do you mean each session? Starting?
I find it hard to go from a happy productive work environment to BOOM talking about difficult moments/subjects. It seems I need 10 minutes of acclaimation (but it's too costly to sit there quietly) so I struggle. She will try to help me.
But the silence doesn't bother me as much as it use to, it's peaceful. Just knowing the minutes are ticking, that motivates me to get going.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 23:43:10
In reply to Re: Feeling adrift.... so long happiness » gardenergirl, posted by annierose on December 8, 2004, at 23:14:57
Lately I've been going in the a.m. I am his first appt. and it is my first event for the day. I've gone at other times, too. I'm talker in most areas of my life, so I'm not one to sit silently. Perhaps that's the problem in some way. I just start talking, and I stay very intellectual for a bit. I don't have to pay as I get therapy through school, so I don't worry about that aspect, but I do feel like I need to "get to work."
Maybe if I took a minute to sit quietly, either in the session or in my car beforehand, I could feel more at ease.
It is most every session, though. My T has joked before that my psych training has "poisoned my brain". I think what he means is I try to figure out a lot of stuff myself. And then I get frustrated when I can't. So if I were able to just sink into it and let us work together to figure things out, it might be more productive?
Or at least so I figure...:D
gg
Posted by daisym on December 9, 2004, at 0:02:03
In reply to Feeling adrift.... so long happiness, posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 20:30:17
Ah, GG -- I'm sorry your good feelings have dissipated a bit. It seems to go that way.
I think it is partially this time of year. It seems like many of us are feeling adrift and disconnected. It is like sensory overload -- too many things to do, and too many blinking lights and noise. I was even distracted during a session today by street noise. I've never noticed it before.
I, for one, want to hear more about the dream. :)
Your therapist was cute and it is nice to end on a playful note.
Posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2004, at 0:40:04
In reply to Feeling adrift.... so long happiness, posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 20:30:17
GG
Some days are just great for therapy and others are lousy. For me, that is.
Some days it all just flows, and other days, well, it's a little more, ah, constipated.
Sorry. Just a little bit of humour to help, um, digestion.
More serious now - or at least trying to be - is it possible that, putting aside the idea that some days we're just not in the mood, is it possible that you're just getting close to something important? I mean, does it not happen that we are set somewhat adrift when nearing the emotions or thoughts that are perhaps harbingers of change?
What do you think? I just can't accept that all of the sessions I've had where I've felt like an empty-headed fool were wasted... I have to HAVE TO believe that they too are part of the process. Except those times when I should have been walking in the woods instead of sitting with my psychiatrist.
ShortE
Posted by lifeworthliving on December 9, 2004, at 0:45:49
In reply to Feeling adrift.... so long happiness, posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 20:30:17
> And the very end, my T, bless his soul, did something very cute, revealing, and lovable. I said something wondering about how our clients might "prime" us for whatever issues of our own might be "hot" at the moment...(I was thinking of a session with a client the day before who had a tremendous amount of anger. Anger was one of the things my T and I dealt with today.) Anyway, I said, "Who knows how this all works?" He was booting up his computer to schedule our next session, and he said with a slightly sly grin, "I know...but I'm not telling."
>
> It was just so cute!
>
> Aaaaagh! Therapy is hard.
>gg,
i agree, its hard... and sometimes wonderfully so! nice t story. i like what you write about him. he sounds loveable.
--life
Posted by Aphrodite on December 9, 2004, at 20:43:45
In reply to Feeling adrift.... so long happiness, posted by gardenergirl on December 8, 2004, at 20:30:17
(((GG)))
I like your T's cuteness! A nice end to a hard time.
I'm sorry you're feeling disconnected. I find that a worse feeling than despair or anger because it's numbing and isolating. It does sound like your struggle to connect to an internal form of happiness is all so foreign and uncharted that you really wanted to run back to the connection and external sources that feel so comforting and familiar. Maybe this is just a really hard period of transition and growth and that the promised land is not far off?
I hope so! Take good care of yourself, and I know you'll find that happiness again.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 9, 2004, at 21:08:20
In reply to Re: Feeling adrift.... so long happiness » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on December 9, 2004, at 0:02:03
It is kind of chaotic now. My favorite Starbucks is right across from a major mall. It's getting really annoying to go there, cause there's no traffic light in and out.
:(I'll post about the dream soon. Which do you want to hear about? Mom and the lack of hot water, which includes evicting my brother from the house? Or my hubby returning the rental car at the airport by dragging it by a chain across a huge ditch, which includes me deciding to paint a wall at the airport for no apparent reason?
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on December 9, 2004, at 21:11:34
In reply to happiness » gardenergirl, posted by Shortelise on December 9, 2004, at 0:40:04
>
> Some days it all just flows, and other days, well, it's a little more, ah, constipated.LOL
> More serious now - or at least trying to be - is it possible that, putting aside the idea that some days we're just not in the mood, is it possible that you're just getting close to something important? I mean, does it not happen that we are set somewhat adrift when nearing the emotions or thoughts that are perhaps harbingers of change?
You could be right. The last time I felt like I couldn't "see" where we were going was just before the big emotional purge in session. And this time feels a lot like I am trying to find my way through a thick fog. Even when I was talking apparently coherently (he said he could follow what I was saying), it didn't sound right to me. Like it was all blurry and distorted. Like being underwater or in the fog.
Coming out of it will be nice. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara running after someone(something) in the fog, but not knowing what it was (well, at least until the end, when she was running after Rhett.)
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on December 9, 2004, at 21:13:06
In reply to Re: Feeling adrift.... so long happiness, posted by lifeworthliving on December 9, 2004, at 0:45:49
Thanks, he really is loveable. He doesn't show it so obviously that often. But when we had the Babble "pageant" last year, and we had to choose a nickname for our T's that began with "B", I chose "Bear." Cause he's safe feeling that way and can make me smile.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on December 9, 2004, at 21:13:59
In reply to Re: Feeling adrift.... so long happiness » gardenergirl, posted by Aphrodite on December 9, 2004, at 20:43:45
> (((GG)))
>
> I like your T's cuteness! A nice end to a hard time.
>
> I'm sorry you're feeling disconnected. I find that a worse feeling than despair or anger because it's numbing and isolating. It does sound like your struggle to connect to an internal form of happiness is all so foreign and uncharted that you really wanted to run back to the connection and external sources that feel so comforting and familiar. Maybe this is just a really hard period of transition and growth and that the promised land is not far off?
>
> I hope so! Take good care of yourself, and I know you'll find that happiness again.
Hmmm, good insights. I'll have to think about that. You can send me a bill. :DThanks,
gg
Posted by daisym on December 10, 2004, at 0:04:18
In reply to Re: Feeling adrift.... so long happiness » daisym, posted by gardenergirl on December 9, 2004, at 21:08:20
Oh man, I think we have to hear both of these! I'm not sure which is more telling. It does say something about all the work you are doing.
Thanks in advance for sharing.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 10, 2004, at 23:14:16
In reply to Re: Feeling adrift.... so long happiness » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on December 10, 2004, at 0:04:18
> Oh man, I think we have to hear both of these! I'm not sure which is more telling. It does say something about all the work you are doing.
>
> Thanks in advance for sharing.I put down all I can remember. My dreams are so darned vivid...lots of details in them, colors and textures and such. It's hard to include all that unless I write it down immediately after.
I think the first dream is pretty obvious, as far as the content. But the second one is more tricky.
gg
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