![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 10:25:51
I was curious if anyone could tell me why a therapist would want very specific information regarding sexual matters or fanatasies.
My situation: I've become attracted to a man. I am--or at least have been--gay for almost my whole adult life. I was talking to my therapist about this last night.
She was quizzing me on what, specifically, I want to do with this guy sexually. I was really uncomfortable with it and she said it was fine to not answer if I found it "painful" but the more she knew the better.
I don't get *why* she needs to know specifics. I mean I was specific enough saying that I wanted a sexual relationship with this guy--isn't that enough? She wanted to know like what I wanted to "do" with him, etc. Huh?? Does anyone have a feel for what a therapist could gain from more specific information?
Note: This therapist is one who was gay then married a man so I kinda wonder about this a bit. She's also one where there has been attraction issues between us and over-involvement on her end with me. A few weeks ago when discussing rule-breaking in therapy I asked her if she recently broke any rules for me. She thought for a long moment and then answered, "Yes. I think about you--about all this--a *lot.*" I didn't think twice about her statement until now--it just didn't register with me.
Anyway, if anyone has any sort of insight it would be appreciated.
Thanks!!!
Posted by tinydancer on April 16, 2004, at 10:52:52
In reply to Therapist Questions On Sexuality, posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 10:25:51
This is my own, uneducated opinion, but I think that having as much information as possible, allows the therapist to see the full picture. I'm of the mind that generally, when the going gets tough in therapy, that's precisely when I feel that work is getting done. Of course, you are the best judge and were there to judge the context. I myself would find it difficult to answer in a detailed way as you said, but I have total trust in my T and would see it as giving him more information to work with and understand me better.
The fact she said she thought about you a lot, in my eyes is a totally different issue and not related to this one. Again, JMHO.
I would suggest asking her if you feel uncertain!
Posted by Dinah on April 16, 2004, at 12:25:52
In reply to Therapist Questions On Sexuality, posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 10:25:51
My therapist asks about my sexual practices and specific sexual fantasies when we're discussing my sexual dysfunction. He ways it would give him an idea of how best to help me if he understood my sexuality better. There was never anything remotely sexual about his asking.
BTW, I freely discuss practices, I refuse to discuss fantasies. Those are mine, to me.
Posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 13:27:01
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » Rigby, posted by tinydancer on April 16, 2004, at 10:52:52
This is a good point--the harder it is probably the more it may mean you're getting to something. It's just so hard!!! Anyway, I think I'm gonna think on this and try again and try talking about it a *bit* more! Thanks TD!
> This is my own, uneducated opinion, but I think that having as much information as possible, allows the therapist to see the full picture. I'm of the mind that generally, when the going gets tough in therapy, that's precisely when I feel that work is getting done. Of course, you are the best judge and were there to judge the context. I myself would find it difficult to answer in a detailed way as you said, but I have total trust in my T and would see it as giving him more information to work with and understand me better.
> The fact she said she thought about you a lot, in my eyes is a totally different issue and not related to this one. Again, JMHO.
> I would suggest asking her if you feel uncertain!
Posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 13:28:31
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » Rigby, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2004, at 12:25:52
Hi Dinah,
Are you at all uncomfortable talking about practices? It all makes me squirm.
I have some sexual "stuff" but it is very, very hard for me to talk about. But maybe I need to try a little bit more.
> My therapist asks about my sexual practices and specific sexual fantasies when we're discussing my sexual dysfunction. He ways it would give him an idea of how best to help me if he understood my sexuality better. There was never anything remotely sexual about his asking.
>
> BTW, I freely discuss practices, I refuse to discuss fantasies. Those are mine, to me.
Posted by Penny on April 16, 2004, at 13:36:01
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » Dinah, posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 13:28:31
I'm not involved with anyone, and never have been, as I have quite a few sexual issues. My T hasn't asked me anything directly, but we've talked about some things - sex toys and Playgirl, for example. She is trying very hard to help me work through the 'shame' I have involving my own sexuality - so while she doesn't ask explicit questions, she sometimes will "guide" the discussion in that way. It was especially difficult for me to discuss anything like that at first, but it's getting much easier now.
But there's no question that, as Dinah said, there's nothing remotely sexual about the discussion. It's pure therapy.
P
Posted by Dinah on April 16, 2004, at 17:01:43
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » Dinah, posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 13:28:31
No, it doesn't make me feel particularly uncomfortable. I imagine if I felt any sexual feelings toward him, it might. But he asks fairly clinically and I answer fairly clinically. No problem at all.
I don't know why fantasies are different, but they are, and they're none of his business.
Posted by Speaker on April 16, 2004, at 20:06:42
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » Rigby, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2004, at 17:01:43
Dinah,
I am majorly struggling with this issue! My T asks me about abuse issues and I can tell where I was and things like that but I just say they hurt me. How do you share this in a clinical way? The T keeps telling me I need to say more but I don't know how to do that without feeling inappropriate. Please advise!
Marie
Posted by Dinah on April 16, 2004, at 20:19:47
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » Dinah, posted by Speaker on April 16, 2004, at 20:06:42
Well, I can only tells you what feels comfortable for me. I close my eyes, but then again, I usually do. And I speak in the more formal terms, not slang. If being indirect adequately conveys the point, I leave it at that. If not, I am explicit. But the thing is that while I have major dysfunction in my sexual *activity* I have no problem at all talking about sex. So it really isn't all that uncomfortable for me. Nor does it seem particularly uncomfortable for him. I do check with him once or twice to make sure he's not embarassed.
Posted by terrics on April 17, 2004, at 10:13:27
In reply to Therapist Questions On Sexuality, posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 10:25:51
Don't forget that what you are going through is what she must have gone through when she met her husband. She may have alot of insightful info to dish out if you are willing to talk. I would not give up my fantasies either.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on April 18, 2004, at 2:46:04
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » Rigby, posted by terrics on April 17, 2004, at 10:13:27
Rigby,
I don't remember talking about these issues with a Therapist. I did have one T who gave me a number of surveys to fill out, and most of one of them (about 6 or 8 pages) was about sexual practices and fantasies. It seemed appropriate because I was dealing with gender identity issues at the time.
I don't know what your T is trying to get at, but with what you've said, I wouldn't say that she's out of line.
Good luck`,
Dee.
Posted by spoc on April 19, 2004, at 0:14:45
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » Rigby, posted by terrics on April 17, 2004, at 10:13:27
> I don't know why fantasies are different, but they are, and they're none of his business.
> I would not give up my fantasies either.
---
Obviously in some types of cases, a person's fantasies would be too integral to their issues to be ok left off the table. Much of the rest of the time if asked about them by their therapists, people probably do just follow their own sense of whether it's important or not. But maybe they could also miss out on valuable insights that way; if they guessed wrong, or there are known issues in a related ballpark.Which is a chance many would be willing to take! I’m always trying to look at all sides, but I wouldn't look forward to this either! Even though I know there are things I probably could and maybe even should learn about myself.
Rigby (hello btw, now that we're talking about sex!), for you maybe talking about fantasies is a way to help you figure out how well-thought out and therefore real/realistic your feelings or intentions are about being with a man, this particular man....?
Posted by MrSandman on April 19, 2004, at 3:28:24
In reply to Therapist Questions On Sexuality, posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 10:25:51
Rigby:
If you're not hung up about specific sex practices , I don't know why the therapist should be. She admits to being out of bounds before, and it looks like she is again.
Posted by Rigby on April 19, 2004, at 13:47:54
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality, posted by spoc on April 19, 2004, at 0:14:45
Hi Spoc! Thanks for your message. Interesting. I think you make an interesting point about possibly trying to understand how well thought out my feelings and intentions are (extremely specific and well thought out, actually.) It at least has made me think about my level of desire with her simply asking--so not sure what her intentions were but maybe it has been helpful either way. Thanks again for your post!
> > I don't know why fantasies are different, but they are, and they're none of his business.
>
> > I would not give up my fantasies either.
> ---
> Obviously in some types of cases, a person's fantasies would be too integral to their issues to be ok left off the table. Much of the rest of the time if asked about them by their therapists, people probably do just follow their own sense of whether it's important or not. But maybe they could also miss out on valuable insights that way; if they guessed wrong, or there are known issues in a related ballpark.
>
> Which is a chance many would be willing to take! I’m always trying to look at all sides, but I wouldn't look forward to this either! Even though I know there are things I probably could and maybe even should learn about myself.
>
> Rigby (hello btw, now that we're talking about sex!), for you maybe talking about fantasies is a way to help you figure out how well-thought out and therefore real/realistic your feelings or intentions are about being with a man, this particular man....?
>
>
Posted by Rigby on April 19, 2004, at 13:50:30
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » Rigby, posted by MrSandman on April 19, 2004, at 3:28:24
Hi MrSandman,
I do have some stuff around sex so she may not be completely out of bounds. Sometimes though I feel like her interest is a bit "too" keen but it actually doesn't bug me at this point. But it is something I think I'll keep an eye on--she needs to remain super objective to be helpful to me.
Thanks for your response!
> Rigby:
> If you're not hung up about specific sex practices , I don't know why the therapist should be. She admits to being out of bounds before, and it looks like she is again.
Posted by spoc on April 19, 2004, at 14:03:57
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality » spoc, posted by Rigby on April 19, 2004, at 13:47:54
So glad I could suggest another light to cast things in! If it hadn't been for the notion of examining out loud how serious you are about it in head, I too probably would have defaulted to saying "Hmmmmm..... Maybe not!!" But I hate to leave stones unturned that could even possibly help me. And the patient themself may often not be the best judge of when fantasies are important. Regardless, you'll probably get a feeling right away if she's taking it too far ("...you mean, with your right hand or your left?" kind of thing, ha ha), and from there you can trust your instincts! It does sound by your answer just now that you are quite sure the fantasies are full-range and not just naive/idealistic (such as in reality based only on what is a personality click to where this is mainly a person you'd simply like to be close to). So tons of detail shouldn't be *as* necessary when you proceed to answer the question. Best wishes! :- )
----
> Hi Spoc! Thanks for your message. Interesting. I think you make an interesting point about possibly trying to understand how well thought out my feelings and intentions are (extremely specific and well thought out, actually.) It at least has made me think about my level of desire with her simply asking--so not sure what her intentions were but maybe it has been helpful either way. Thanks again for your post!
Posted by shadows721 on April 19, 2004, at 16:14:51
In reply to Therapist Questions On Sexuality, posted by Rigby on April 16, 2004, at 10:25:51
"She was quizzing me on what, specifically, I want to do with this guy sexually. I was really uncomfortable with it and she said it was fine to not answer if I found it 'painful' but the more she knew the better"
This is clear sign of a boundary issue. Your feelings of pain were valid. This isn't her place to know details unless you want to expose them.
Details are yours and not the therapists unless you want to discuss them. You are the commander of the therapy. People forget that. It is the client that directs therapy. I would point blank ask why they wanted details and how is that helping me with my therapy. Don't minimize or rationalize your original reaction away. It is valid.
Posted by spoc on April 19, 2004, at 16:24:42
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality, posted by shadows721 on April 19, 2004, at 16:14:51
> I would point blank ask why they wanted details and how is that helping me with my therapy. Don't minimize or rationalize your original reaction away. It is valid. >
Yes, good point -- Rigby, if or when you do proceed, the T should be able to give a very very good reason beforehand; that makes sense to you also, enough so that it makes it seem worth it !
Posted by MrSandman on April 20, 2004, at 2:50:42
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality, posted by shadows721 on April 19, 2004, at 16:14:51
Amen to shadows721.
Who is working for whom?
<You are the commander of the therapy. People forget that. It is the client that directs therapy>
I concur and add that the "people" apt to forget who should be in charge are often as not the therapists- which is shameful. One expects therapists frequently to encourage patients' defense of personal boundaries and their civilized self-assertion. Alas, therapists are at least as flawed as the rest of us humans- moreso, according to many surveys.
Despite my inflammatory heading, I don't suggest an aggressive stance on the part of the patient/consumer. Something approaching a partnership is ideal. But bitter experience has taught me that if I don't stand ready to defend my autonomy, someone will gladly take it from me.
Posted by BigFish on April 22, 2004, at 14:58:17
In reply to Re: Therapist Questions On Sexuality, posted by spoc on April 19, 2004, at 16:24:42
Key here might be tone of voice. If the tone of the T's voice is other than matter-of-fact than that's something to consider. Soft, semi-seductive tones at this juncture would not be appropriate.
> > I would point blank ask why they wanted details and how is that helping me with my therapy. Don't minimize or rationalize your original reaction away. It is valid. >
>
> Yes, good point -- Rigby, if or when you do proceed, the T should be able to give a very very good reason beforehand; that makes sense to you also, enough so that it makes it seem worth it !
>
>
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.