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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 14:32:00
I need some advice.
In therapy we are starting to work on a really hard topic (my old therapist, for those of you who know me). I'm scared to work on this because I know that it reaches down very deep. But at the same time, I'm quite determined to look at it because I know that if I can make progess with this issue, that other things will be easier (both in my life and in therapy).
I see my therapist tomorrow and I believe that he will want to go after things agressively then. Last night, I woke up around 3:30, and kind of dozed from then until I got up at 8. It wasn't good sleep. I kept waking up, but I didn't get up. (Kara, I almost came downstairs to see if you were up, but I didn't) As I was getting ready to get up, I had an insight as to why this issue is so hard for me. I opened up a word processing document on my computer and I started to type. I even closed my eyes and typed with them closed (and a lot of the words are still typed right...). I was essentially typing free associations. I was trying to be as honest with myself as I could be. I printed it out.
I reread it, and then watched a couple of movies on TV because I was tired and depressed and didn't want to think about it. What I wrote wasn't particularly optimistic.
At one point, I had written: "What will I do if you think this is stupid? What if you don't think it is important? What if you think I've been reading too many Psych books? What if you think I'm just making this up? It is real. The rest of my life is less real. It is acting. Being "Mom" or "Fallsfall". But that is different from being ME."
What if I have been reading too many Psych books? What if what I wrote isn't true. What if I unconsciously (because I certainly didn't do it consciously) WANT him to see me that un-optimistic light (i.e. more pathology than he thinks now)? There are some phrases that I wrote that I could trace back to things that I have read. I know that those phrases would indicate severe problems. How can I tell if that's really how I feel, or if that's only how I want him to think I feel? It's kind of scary to me if I really do feel that way.
I don't know how to handle this tomorrow. I was going to read it to him. But I don't want to manipulate him. But I can't tell which it is. What am I supposed to do?
Posted by zenhussy on December 7, 2003, at 15:37:01
In reply to So what do I do now?, posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 14:32:00
Fallsfall,
Do you honestly think your late night free associatin closed eyed typing is manipulating?
I certainly do not.
I admire your courage and, personally, hope you do either read your print out to your therp. or hand it to him to read.
Over the years I've wondered if anything that has come up has been from the mountains of texts, medical journals, and psych. self help books I've read.
*My* experience has been that 99.9% of the time it is NOT from the books but my reading of the books AND time have given me the ability to verbalize things I think are going on or have gone on in my life.
I have worked with many good therapists and they always have picked through my questions and helped me to navigate the truth *for my life*.
So it is a personal experience.
I believe you.
zh
Posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 17:02:47
In reply to Re: So what do I do now? » fallsfall, posted by zenhussy on December 7, 2003, at 15:37:01
Thank you, Zenhussy,
Your experience makes me feel a little less "nuts".
Posted by DaisyM on December 7, 2003, at 17:45:19
In reply to So what do I do now?, posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 14:32:00
I don't have a ton of experience with Therapy BUT...issues? I have plenty!
Here is what I **know** - writing uses another part of the brain so what you write (prior to editing) is usually a fairly true reflection of your feelings. Especially if you are just "talking" to yourself. So trust it. The books, etc. just give you a different vocabulary to express yourself with. Things wouldn't stick with you if they didn't resonate somehow.
I have also recently learned that it is a form of resistance to question the value of your feelings -- am I just doing this for the "attention?" type of thinking. The question would be "so what if you are?" If this has been something you have been dwelling on, it is important. It doesn't have to have global ramifications to be "important". Think about a pebble in a pond and resulting waves. This issue might be (probably is from what you have written) your pebble that continues to touch everything else.
I can feel the pain in your post and the uncertainty. It is very, very hard to not feel real -- I keep describing it like watching yourself get smaller and smaller...
You told me that these things take time, to trust your Therapist to keep you safe and to let things out slowly. It was very good advice. Listen to your own wisdom, here and last night. Take care of yourself. Keep your appointment tomorrow.
-D
Posted by Dinah on December 7, 2003, at 20:12:55
In reply to So what do I do now?, posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 14:32:00
That's always a chance that those of us who read a lot take. There may be a few therapists out there who will think we're using what we read to fabricate symptoms instead of using what we read to put words to wordless feelings.
But I don't think your therapist is one of them.
As to what to do... When in doubt be honest with him. Tell him what you wrote and how you feel about sharing it with him.
Posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 21:05:45
In reply to Re: So what do I do now?, posted by Dinah on December 7, 2003, at 20:12:55
Thanks for your posts. Seems like there is pretty much agreement...
I will (try to) read him my journalling and tell him that I was hesitent to tell him about it because I'm not sure I don't read too much. I'll see what he says.
I really don't know how to not be honest with him, so this seems like the right plan.
I'll let you know how it goes...
Posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 8:19:32
In reply to So what do I do now?, posted by fallsfall on December 7, 2003, at 14:32:00
Falls,
I agree with ZH that free association writing when you hadn't had much sleep is probably not conducive to being manipulative! In fact, it was probably one of the most truthful, honest bits of journaling you've done.
As for reading too many psych books - your T has the knowledge to be able to tell you when your thoughts on a subject are accurate or not (regarding things you've read in relation to your situation). I'm reading all the time, and go to my pdoc with things like, "How can you say I don't have ADD?" and he will explain it to me. Or I'll go to my T with "I read an article about such-and-such, and it made me wonder if that's my problem..." and she'll explain to me the parallels and the likelihood, or why that's not my problem.
I apologize if I'm not making much sense. My thinking is pretty scattered. I hope you slept better last night and that your therapy session today will be productive and not overly difficult.
Take care.
P
Posted by fallsfall on December 9, 2003, at 1:09:14
In reply to Re: So what do I do now? » fallsfall, posted by Penny on December 8, 2003, at 8:19:32
My appointment with my therapist went OK today. I did read him the journalling and told him that I hesitated reading it because *I* was concerned that I was reading too many psych books. He asked what part of the journalling was about reading too many psych books. I didn't want to answer him. I didn't want to tell him what I read into what I had written. I didn't want to give him any ideas, and I didn't want to be wrong. I hesitated and then asked if we could defer that discussion. Surprisingly he said that we could - I think he wanted to get to the "therapists have to be perfect" discussion.
So then he waited for me to say something. I didn't know what to talk about. I summarized the writing, hoping that he would then ask a question. But he didn't. I have NEVER had this much resistance to him (there was one day that I wasn't WILLING to tell him - that I was searching on the internet for him - but that's not resistance, that is refusing). My mind was blank. I couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't know what I wanted to talk about.
He asked if I wanted to talk about the psych books, I said not then and asked him what HE wanted to talk about. He looked at me like I had three heads and said that I had just read a bunch of stuff that I wrote and he thought we should talk about that (rather than him coming up with a new idea) - which is what I meant anyway...
Anyway, so he asked about the part of my journalling that talked about my old therapist being perfect. The whole session was very slow - it took a long time to figure out how to answer his questions and I spoke very slowly. Lots of resistance. But we did make some progress. I didn't like where we ended up, though - something about reality...
Honesty worked well. Thank you all for your support.
Posted by zenhussy on December 9, 2003, at 1:47:17
In reply to It went OK. Thanks for the support, posted by fallsfall on December 9, 2003, at 1:09:14
Posted by Dinah on December 9, 2003, at 2:09:10
In reply to It went OK. Thanks for the support, posted by fallsfall on December 9, 2003, at 1:09:14
(((Fallsfall)))
I hate sessions like that. They are so frustrating. But in my experience it's not always resistance. I mean, it could be. But also I find that when emotions are high, words are sometimes hard to come by. As if words are the coin of my rational mind, but my emotional mind speaks a different nonverbal language.
You knew this wouldn't be easy or quick. But you've made a start, and that took courage.
Reality? Sounds terribly unpleasant. (sympathetic smile)
Posted by DaisyM on December 9, 2003, at 10:16:59
In reply to It went OK. Thanks for the support, posted by fallsfall on December 9, 2003, at 1:09:14
<<My mind was blank. I couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't know what I wanted to talk about.
>>I think your mind was trying to protect you from the discussion but your feelings were so strong no other ideas could pop in. The fact that you were aware that you were resisting but still had to struggle shows how really hard and important an issue this is for you. How brave of you to keep pushing ahead anyway!
I'm glad you were able to read what you wrote and he was able to begin to help you sort it out. You must really be starting to trust him.
Maybe it is the full moon that has called all of our feelings out...I told my Therapist yesterday that I felt like I was flunking therapy (referring to a post here) because I was in such a state again. He laughed and told me it wasn't possible. Otherwise all the Therapist's who have to go through it would never make it out to being Therapists. They make the worst clients! :)
You did good! Be proud of yourself. I recommend peppermint ice cream -- I had some last night. It helped.
-D
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