![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 39 to 63 of 64. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on November 17, 2017, at 21:57:48
In reply to Re: politics » alexandra_k, posted by beckett2 on November 15, 2017, at 22:28:45
> Were you quoting Hannibal Lecter earlier?
Yeah. I'm not sure I remember the context of the quote. I was thinking of it in terms of 'you tell me / do for me something I want; then I tell you / do for you something you want'. In a fair bargain there is mutual benefit of roughly equal value. Hannibal was an evil genius, though. I guess I was thinking that he had greater insight into payoff structures - but perhaps that wasn't it. I don't remember what agent Starling was bargaining for...
> I read the NZ has the highest youth suicide rate out of the developed countries-- I had no idea.
Yeah. A whole heap of reasons why, to be fair. The rate for guys is higher - but that's probably just because guys are more mechanically minded and tend to select methods that are more likely to be successful. Women are used to being pooh poohed at such delicate little flowers that they don't understand how hard the body will be to kill. Pills and so on. Body has natural defences...
It's hard to know what life is supposed to be about for a lot of youth.
> There is amazing disparity in the US. In every state to some extent. California is beyond the pale. When a wildfire burned almost 6,000 houses this year in a single region, rents and housing prices are so high, many are not sure if they need to leave state.
Yeah. I knew someone who lived in another State who was always applying for jobs in California - and then turning them down. He said he needed a significant pay increase, really, in order to have a comperable sort of house / lifestyle and they couldn't really afford to offer him that.
> We had a modest killing spree to the north of us just yesterday. At a school for part of it, then random drivers.
I'm sorry.
I feel like saying 'we don't have so much of that' - but I think that that is partly we are just so small... And partly it manifests differently.
When I was 16 I used to board with this lady and her two kids (8 and 6). She was genuinely lovely. separated from an open bretharen marriage (was raised closed bretharen). At the time, I think she was 27. She was a pretty good Mother to those kids, but she was also living some of the things she never got to do in her youth, I guess. Liked to go out to the nightclubs... Anyway, she ended up hooking up with this guy... And then he got pretty controlling not wanting her to go out dancing and so on (she was not slutty / sleezy - but he just didn't trust her). Anyway... I left and he moved in... Then she booted him out. Then he booted the door down, shot her, and shot himself. The kids came home from school one day, and there they were.
We actually get quite a lot of incidents like that.
It's not the people you don't know... It's the people you do know, the people whom you don't have the power to get the hell away from.
______________________Work and Income here would quite like me to move in with the prostitutes and drug dealers. I guess the Work and Income Workers are rather a lot like the hospital managers. Their goal is to not spend any money... If they can convince me that I'm useless and rubbish, that I'm asking too much, that I'm being unreasonable, that I'm being too sensitive and so on... Then money is saved.
There is this whole thing of how people need to harden up and people need to be more resilient. That's what's wrong with the people who kill themselves, they aren't resilient enough.
You have to be fairly resilient to be a prostitute in order to make a (slightly) better living than solely getting by on welfare, I guess that's true.
Drugs would probably help. Yeah.
I wonder if the Work and Income Workers get kickbacks. You know, on making sure that people who want to get out of those kinds of lifestyles... Are abused at the door on their way in... And then sent back to wherever the hell they came from quick smart in order to save a little money.
It's about the tourists, really, I suppose.
Love Boat etc.
Where is the love?
Well well well, just stay home, and at least we all have equitable access to the internet! And what lovley leaky homes they are, too, where people can simply kick the door down and murder you in the night time or the day time... Any time they want...
Getting away from the awful.
I don't know that housing will come through for me, until next year.
They ask you for financial information, you see. Your Work and Income number and so on and so forth. There aren't laws to stop them. Funny how we bitch moan and complain about how it's illegal to ask a person this, that, and the other, when we are considering them for a job. What about when we are considering them for a house? Or a home loan, I guess.. Employers have your home address... Before they decide whether you make it to interview.
I do get that people are just doing what people feel they need to do in order to protect them and their own... From the nasty.
And I suppose I also get that there are a bunch of people... The dealers and the pimps and the like... Who seem to like their lives, just fine. They are the boss of their tribe of prostitites or addicts (the ones who use more than they sell). They are thriving... Flourishing, in fact. I mean if we let the underlings who wanted to get out get out... The best ones... Of course, it's typically the best ones who want to get out... If those ones got out then perhaps life wouldn't feel worth living by the dealers and the pimps who currently keep them. Then they might start out on different targets... There needs to be vulnerable people to target... F or the people who only feel like if worth living when they get to target vulnerable people. Of course.
______________________________
There are an awful lot of seedy places... I think I need to go with my gut. And just sit tight. And wait. Not sign up for anything that isn't suitable. 2 places have come up that would have been okay but they let them to someone else. Maybe they will let them to me after they get to know me in time. See that I won't sign up to seedy places. See that I notice. That I'm not prepared to live in that / live like that. No amounts of words work because the language has been ruined by all the resilent people who have taught there own that what you do to succeed in the world / in life is to spout whatever rubbish you think the other person wants to hear (and act on precisely none of it).
Even applications for things... There is nothing you can say...
Until you've been identified as a person who means what they says, says what they means, and a person who is only really interested in mutually beneficial deals (and not interested in doing business with people who are looking to take what they can at the others expense for as long as they can get away with it before moving on to the next vulnerable target).
No amount of words...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2017, at 22:18:18
In reply to Re: politics » beckett2, posted by alexandra_k on November 17, 2017, at 21:57:48
I think I need to get a new case manager. Only, he isn't even a case manager. They don't seem to do case manager's anymore. Which makes it hard for me to apply for a new one / make sure I don't have to interact with him, anymore.
I don't trust him.
When I moved down from Auckland I did everything I could to keep moving costs down, since I was applying for government assistance. Instead of going with a proper moving company (which would have been more expensive) I got rid of a lot of stuff and sent it by this... Well... More of a courier / postal company, really. I really looked around and got a bunch of quotes, and everything. The lady from there (independently owned / operated franchise) really did me a solid in last minute there being a bit more stuff, and collecting it from my home (1 block over) and so on...
On the understanding that she would be paid (by Work and Income - who had okayed everything from the Auckland end).
Then I arrive here... And he tries to get her to arrange for the stuff to be delivered to me / released to me without the payment going through. He starts trying to haggle over the amount of money. He makes her go all the way in to a Work and Income office in Auckland to pick up a form, to fill out the form, to be an authorised payee for payment... Then makes her wait 3 weeks for payment (without accepting that typically there would be a storage fee on late payments). He basically... Bullied her into accepting something because she felt she had no option.
NOt a person I want doing business with. Not a person I want doing business on my behalf.
Here... The only way I could afford to move into my current accommodation was to sum a bunch of catered weeks together with a bunch of non-catered weeks then divide it by 52 for a weekly rent rate that was (only just) within my ability to pay. It was understood that I would have problems with food once the catering ran out at at the end of the year - but decided to worry about that later.
Anyway... Now we are at the end of the year and the people here have done me a solid in sayign I don't have to pay for longer than I stay and I can leave early - that is okay with them. So I'm free to move and able to be flexible with moving into a new place. It's also less money from me than they planned on (they usually consider yearly amounts they get from contracts for the academic year...)
He keeps on about wanting to talk to the head of here to see why I have to leave and why I can't stay and why my rent can't be cheaper.
Whenever I express an interest in a place he says it's too expensive and he wants to ring and haggle about a cheaper rate.
Nobody (respectable) will do business with me if he has anything to do with it.
Why so much awful?
Posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2017, at 22:24:43
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2017, at 22:18:18
It's because he suggested this place that is.... Notorious for where the prostitutes and drug dealers and the like go when there isn't anywhere else. You know the sort of place, there are regular stabbings and the like as the delusional people who were released too early because there weren't any beds in the psych ward go and stab the person in the room next door...
And then he sent me to this 'purple' rental place right next to this 'extreme sport' place... seedy... seedy... seedy... alarm bells going off... But my Work and Income Case Manager sent me there to talk to the property lady - so it must be a good and safe place - or they wouldn't suggest it for people - right?
Is somebody trying to teach me some kind of a lesson or...
?
What the f*ck.
I mean, seriously.
I see why you need to pay Doctors (and so on) so much. It's not really that they have a bunch of extra money in the hand to do what they want with. It's about how much money they need to spend in order to get themselves away from the awful people.
I don't understand why so many people like to live in such awful, down here. I don't understand why there are so many people who like to control others... Where they sort of control they want to exert over them isn't a sort of control that will have them happy and flourishing and thriving... It's a sort of...
Desire for a blow up doll or a wooden doll or something.
I just don't f*ck*ng get it.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2017, at 22:25:07
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2017, at 22:24:43
Thanks Beckett.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2017, at 22:52:31
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2017, at 22:25:07
And of course the fun isn't so much in actually having, or controlling a blow up doll / wooden doll. It's in how you take a person... And convert them into that. The process of eliminating their person and replacing it with yourself... Your will, your desires, you urges. Until there isn't any lifeforce left. Just a cardboard cutout sort of a thing with holes in the right places, depending on your proclivities.
Extreme hobbies. I think that was it. Not extreme sport. Maybe they were thinking Warhammer? Yeah, right.
Whatever.
Anyway...
I guess they probably are testing me, to see what I will do, and to see what my reaction will be.
I don't know why they do things this way... It was fairly f*ck*ng obvious to the people at Auckland City Mission that I was not like the drug dealers and prostitutes and pimps and the like... I was not like the political stagement homeless or the untreated mentally ill...
That's how come they actually helped me to relocate... To get assistance with that...
Whereas other people would come 'asking for assistance' where they were on a journey where they just... Wanted to interact with someone who didn't beat them for 5 minutes. Or, whatever. They were known. I think there was help there, in Auckland, here...
I don't know what they are thinking they are doing with me...
Testing...
Testing...
Peck peck pecking.
I know, Dr Bob, you are fond of 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger'. I think there is a place for 'what peck peck peck peck pecks at us us like a drop of water on the stone... It will wear through granite... Tick tock.'
Why?
There aren't enough wooden dolls?
It's the conquest... Granite...
F*ck*ng cowboys down here, Dr Bob. Not in the good sense. Fronter... The rules don't apply... It's where the world sends it's unruly kids. That's partly why. It's because there isn't anything here - except from the University.
If I could tell the rental people that I actually was a Medical Student would that likely help me or harm me? Granite... Peck peck peck...
Who wants to live - like that?
FOr f*ck*ng real.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2017, at 14:58:27
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 18, 2017, at 22:52:31
Provisional B for epidemiology - Which is enough - so long as I get B+ or higher for biochemistry - which is the better paper for me. Going into the exam with an A-/A for that - but I think lots were so concerned about how the 70% exam might function to redistribute a number downwards for bell curve distribution...
I keep kicking myself for really silly errors that I made on these mini-essay things - really not sure how many marks I've lost. And then how many I've lost because they had something a bit different in mind, and so on. I did some doozy's, though. Went on about hydrogen bonding helping longer chain fatty acids pack tighter (of course I meant hydrophobic interactions and I should have talked about symmetry rather than the number of hydrogen atoms - so I really did the whole conceptual fail, there). And then I think I explained the Hb dissociation curve really rather well (if I do say so, myself) and I drew a nice graph showing how allosteric regulators pull the hyperbolic Mb curve into a sigmoid... But then I drew this other one (that we didn't even study for this class) and put the pH, CO2, temperature stuff on the *wrong freaking side of the graph*, *in direct conflict to everything I just said*. Sigh. I don't know how many marks I'll lose for such things... And then there are the things I think I got right - but they want something different. And so on. No idea.
_______________________________Looking for housing... I guess I'm going okay. The hardest thing is food... Lack of food, more to the point. Hunger does bad things to the brain. I think I'm in some sort of shock, too, from the change in diet, honestly. And there are people around, here, and the people around here are lonely. And so I get to doing the thing that I do where I avoid communal areas... I mean, I'll still do my laundry, but I can't bear to use the communal kitchen... And so it's hard to eat healthy food that doesn't need to be cooked / kept in the fridge or freezer. And I've been relying on dribs and drabs of food grants... I think I'll have to go back to eating potato chips and 2 minute noodles... Peanut butter sandwiches... I'm just feeling kicked and demoralised about it all... Get paid today and have $20. That's $10 for gas and... Need to go and ask for food grant again... After having gone in and asked for one yesterday... Horrible horrible guilt feeling... How is this my fault? wtf.
___________________________I went to this professorial talk by someone who I didn't know existed... I mean, I knew he existed because the talk has been advertised for a while, and I was like 'who is this person who never comes to departmental seminars' and so on... He's been doing something admin-y. To do with Medical Selection / the Health Science First Year program-y sort of stuff... Apparently they will be making changes to the program... One of the changes (next year is the first year) is that you can have a by on one of the papers (I elected bio-physics because of the math). He's really a physiology person - anatomy is this nominal department, mostly, just so the university can say they have the only anatomy major / program in the country... Then they bait and switch you for cell biology mostly - but other things besides... Anyway... I didn't realise they are actually getting some (or at least one) promising result from implanted electrodes and stimulation of basal ganglia neurones in people with Parkonsins...
I had come to shy away from neuro because of all the dodgey stuff with brain magnets and the new phrenology of fMRI and so on... And then people always looking for a quick and easy fix instead of (it seemed to me) coming to terms with some kind of reality principle with respect to effort and hard work paying off... And then 10 hours just to get inside the skull (I heard)... But there really are a group of people, here, working on such things, huh.
_____________________________He said I didn't come from an academic family, or they would have said 'come to xx and we can teach you everything you need to know about that [chemistry] in 2 years'. Which didn't actually make much sense of his life... But it made sense of my life... They decided they were not my family... They didn't see that... They didn't say that...
One of them was there. The pastor one. I felt (in the interview) that I didn't connect with him. He asked about ethics... Around euthenasia. I didn't realise there was a real church influence, here, around that, and a real 'no no no no no under no circumstances' thing... And I guess I thought he wanted me to talk about the role of chaplins to help people come to peace with his God, or whatever... I don't know...
Maybe I pissed him off more than I thought.
Maybe it was that I was reluctant to connect with him (I was). I felt like there was some agenda view there of some party line that I was expected to spout. I didn't know what it was. I resented that.
And all of that could really very genuinely have been my issue. I don't know. All I knew was that he was a church person and I was fairly dubious about the church - ethics connection that there is here...
I guess I've come to learn that... That's right. Bioethics here is more an exercise in... Ethics communication. Helping people who don't think through things very well... Helping them think things through. A form of therapy, yeah. I always shied away from applied ethics... They used to say applied ethics is to metaethics (or 'real philosophy') as applied statistics is to mathematicians. Just that... There are genuine philosophical or mathematical problems lurking... But most people working on the applied aspect... Seem to lack the capacity to apprehend the problems even less work towards a coherant solution... The applied stuff is typically... Just a hodge podge of a justification of what people want to say / think is right.
The only statistics I believe in are the ones I've doctored myself. Ahahahahahaha. Funniest thing I've heard in a while... Different talk... Apparently our pathology samples can't fly around the country via the national airlines because It's too full of politicians or political advisors or somesuch...
Anyway...
The food thing is getting to me. As it would anyone, I suppose. Most people do eat sh*t, so I'm supposed to do that... They do keep offering food (I suppose) and conversation after some of these seminars... It's just hard for me to bear because I don't have a coherant story / context typically. People just trying to place people... And then in having conversations with people... Most people can't tell / assess things or people on their merits...
C'mon Biochemistry. I'm really hoping for an A... That might be too much... An A-... Pretty pretty please??
______________________________________
The food thing is... Foundational. A centre point. Food. Sleep. Exercise. Healthy home. The food thing wears me down... So I come to be in a place where I'm not fit to ask for help. Not when the people I need to ask for help are mostly carefully selected to be borderline incompetent / waste your time / distract you with other things and then send you away with nothing without your realising it...
I suppose I can get food packages from churches... From students union... But, again, it's all the wood-chips and salt and sugar and chemicals rubbish that will kill you... Nutritoinal deficiency. Or bioavailability deficiency, failing that...
Thanks so very much for your help!
And pity would be no more...
Slightly postal feeling.
I could always move in with the drug dealers - hey!
Posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2017, at 15:06:58
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2017, at 14:58:27
and one of the work and income people would have me not pay my rent. because there are limits on how many food grants they can give you, you see.
so instead of saying 'alright - we want to see a list of items you want to purchase before approving a $200 food grant that should get you through the next few weeks' (so i can get things like rice and a rice cooker i can use in my room)...
they give me one for $60, then one for $20 (after failing to tell me they expire in 3 days).
i don't know what to do to get actual proper help.
they won't even tell me 'if you rent is x amount then you will have y amount to spend on food', 'if your rent is x+n amount then you will have y-o to spend on food'.
how am i supposed to know how much rent i can afford to pay?
i'm just supposed to move in with the drug dealers...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2017, at 15:13:54
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2017, at 15:06:58
thinking...
hungry brain is thinking...
hungry brain is resentful and angry that she is placed in this position.
people feel entitled to obstruct people who are not suitably grateful.
_______
there was a urology clinic.
I don't quite understand it.
They are marketing it as... What I was going on about before. A situation where a bunch of doctors and nurses and other support staff come together and get sh*t done. The stuff that can be done that doesn't cost a lot (the stuff that doesn't rely on expensive medications or devices). Routine operations.
Only...
Apparently they were paid (though they don't do it for the money).
So...
Who paid them? How much did it cost? Where did the money come from?
That was not clear.
________
I wish cancer guy told us more about his research... But I guess it was a public lecture... Still... I'm interested in the evolution of cancer... This idea that it does evolve...
I have a bunch of confusions about what we are sequencing when we sequence... Given the prevalence of microbes that also have DNA, and the like... How do we get a human signal and not a microbe one? And so on... This idea of... Different cells in the human body not all being the same... From this other talk...
I shouldn't be hungry... I just had a bunch of fruit.
It's hard to eat cereal without any f*ck*ng milk that must be kept in the fridge.
F*CK
Posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2017, at 3:47:58
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 22, 2017, at 15:13:54
B+ for BioChem!
(provisionally)
That means I (provisionally) got the required total from HSFY (and equivalent credits) for entry to Med II! F*ck yeah!
The numbers are around the middle of the grade divisions - so really shouldn't change much. Finalised tomorrow.
So... Now it's up to the academic board who meets sometime in December.
I can't believe I only got a B+ for BioChem... I really did work hard... And I think I'll probably only end up with a B for Pathology :-(
I'm officially a 'B' sort of a student. Sniff.
'Good enough'. That's all you need to be. Pass / fail and all that... Sniff.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2017, at 20:34:09
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2017, at 3:47:58
and how am i supposed to exercise my right to independent housing?
i do, still, think that the only reason people want to do a needs assessment, is so they can figure out what you need, right before they enforce the opposite.
why else would people want to have a job where they get to target vulnerable people
?
Posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2017, at 20:36:39
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2017, at 20:34:09
only the people who want to live independently are forced to stay in institutions. only the people who want to live independently are forced to stay out in institutions. only the people who want their own cage are forced to be pecked to death free range style only the people who want to live free range are forced to live in cages. only the ones who medication would help are denied medication while these others who don't want to be medicated are 'treated' against hteir will. its just a bunch of awful people inflicting their awful because they love the awful and want to spread the awful.
bang bang bang bang bang go the f*ck*ng awful people in my neighbourhood. squeal squeek whip cough f*rt wahoo
Posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2017, at 21:04:27
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2017, at 20:36:39
i don't know what it is. if it's a disability issue or a women's rights issue... it isn't about the money, at all, there's plenty of money / resources, it's only about distribution.
but i've never been allowed to live independently. people have just always said 'no, you can't, that's not for you'
and the usual 'you're asking too much, you're being unreasonable, you're being selfish' and so on...
all the manipulations and lies and b*llsh*t that people to put emotional pressure on someone... so that things don't have to escalate to overt violence...
apparently it is about exercising your rights. figuring how to do that.
i haven't found that i have access to justice...
privacy...
informed consent...
all of the preconditions of persons...bang
bang
bang
go the people. bang bang bang bang bang...
at what point do things become an emergency?
i feel like i'm getting more moments...
i don't know what i'm supposed to do.
i don't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 30, 2017, at 18:12:02
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2017, at 21:04:27
There really is no help. All these agencies... I think it is that they learn how to make a case to the government that the government is supposed to provide this, that, and the other, to the people. But a lot of people aren't getting this, that, and the other. They say that they can 'co-ordinate services' so that more people can get what they need, or whatever. They get a bunch of money to do 'service co-ordination'. Then you end up with all these service co-ordinators but no actual services.
All these 'helpful people' want to help me in my lonliness by helping me join a club. Because somehow my lonliness must have meant that I missed out on seeing that the Students Union has over a hundred clubs. Somehow my lonliness must have meant that I missed out on seeing how the public libraries and art galleries and museums and gardens and beaches and streets and parks are full of lonely people who are only too happy to interact with you (whenever they demand it to be so).
We hear there aren't enough state owned houses to meet demand for them - but I'm hearing that they simply will not put me down as requiring what it is in fact that I actually do require. So... They don't even have an acurate picture of what it is that the people are wanting.
All we hear is people with large families. They are constantly marketing that people should produce large families. We are constantly told that they must do this because it is their cultural right and so on.
I think we are the worlds experiment in too many children.
Apparently our plunket program reduced our infant mortality to the lowest in the world.
Then we withdrew social services. I mean... What are teachers to do in classroom sizes of over 30 kids? But school isn't about reading, writing and arithmetic. It is about producing people who can live in their communities. And the communities obviously don't want things like clean drinking water and sanitation (engineers), access to healthcare (doctors), access to legal representation (lawyers) because the communities won't let the kids learn reading writing and arithmetic even when the kids are both willing and able to learn these things. All you need is 1 or 2 or 3 who are either unwilling or unable to learn these things and nobody is allowed to learn these things in the public system.
Either your parents teach you or they privately employ someone to teach you. Nobody is learning anything in the public schools.
Just things like... How to carry your individual surveillance device with you at all times. Stuff like that is what we need for people to know, in their communities.
I didn't realise just how fragile civilisation was. Just little pockets of it here, and there. Mostly not. Most people don't have High School Graduation level skills of reading, writing, arithmetic. We tell them it's culturally inappropriate for them to have such skills and so on.
I didn't realise just how hard housing was going to be.
I didn't realise just how next ot impossible it was to be a person in a so called developed country. To be fair, I suppose it is similarly impossible to be a person in other so called developed countries. Is it? I don't know... I keep thinking that it would be more likely I would have been identified and taken out / educated properly if I had have been raised in a similar(ish) sort of community anyplace else...
I remember.. The school inspectors etc etc did come. When I was very young. They just decided... They decided that it would be better for my community to keep me in it.
My life has never been allowed to be about what is best for me. It has never been allowed to be about what is best for me may be what enables me to contribute my best to the development of the community where I am best fitted / suited.
Other people seem determined to live in sh*t...
I don't want to live, like this.
It really is a rational position.
I do understand that people have this fear that all the people for whom their lives are actually unacceptable... All teh people for whom there is only false hope.. If they all upped and killed themselves then a bunch of people who are happy about their misery today would be unahppy about their lack of misery tomorrow. These people... It's about them, of course. It's always about them.
I'm back in that place again where I can't ask for help, appropriately. That's basically the 'helping' services, here. They waste your time and so on and so forth and watch the situation (predictably) escalate. So then they get to go that you weren't deserving or whatever of help, anyway, because you weren't appropriately supplicant, or whatever.
Their job is basically to delay delay delay until the people go away or die. Death is actually the better solution... Since I'm not going to be allowed to contribute to this country... I'm expected to live my life as though it was a drain on it while people... Profiteer from my misery... From my inability to get away from them...
This is freedom? A free country? Free range... You are free to range freely in the public spaces where you are free to make friends and never be lonely...
We will pretend your biggest problem is lonliness always always...
The solution is for other people to freely hit you and punch you and push you... To mock you and guilt you and cajole you...
That's whats best for your community, alex. Of course.
It takes a village to raise a child, they say. But you don't have to ask your villages permission to have a child that the village is expected to raise.
People insist on having their children... It is their right.
And then they insist that I must interact with them on demand / look after them. Because I have the right to community and I must never be lonely.
Beam me up.
Tick tock.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 30, 2017, at 18:28:12
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 30, 2017, at 18:12:02
And I think... What is the point in this?
Is it to 'teach us a lesson'? I kind of think that it is.
To give you exposure to how people don't want to live differently, they like to live like this, they like to revel in their rubbish and they like to live like brutes.
So then when kids do get beamed up to be doctors or lawyers or engineers... They won't feel bad about f*ck*ng up people's lives due to their own ineptitude while they are learning...
They will be able to live with their mistakes...
When you see people have healthy (and delicious) alongside unhealthy options in meal buffets... And you see kids voluntarily heap up their plates with rubbish... You start to think that it doesn't matter that they don't have access to nutritious food. Even if they did have access to cheap nutritious food they would voluntarily choose to eat rubbish. That is what they are doing. There is no point fighting for their access to healthy food because you can't exactly force it down their throats. Feed them sawdust. They actually seem to prefer it.
Of course what is needed really is for one or two or three of these kids to be given scholarships to live amongst a majority who know how to look after themselves. So they learn by total immersion. It's frequency depnedence. It's about the majority culture. It's about getting more and more and more people to adopt the healthy things... The productive things... Rather than f*ck*ng it up by swamping the working minority by the unruly masses.
Little pockets of sustainability / viability.
I don't understand why we are so quick to throw away so very many people who are willing / able to contribute.
It just doesn't make any sense at all.
That's the real tragedy.
Maybe I will be just another statistic.
I don't know that I'll be allowed to function here. We just seem to keep preferring the unruly masses over and over and over and over... And the psychopaths who manage to persuade them that they want nothing more than to be just like them (and who manage to get the f*ck away as soon as they possibly can). The psychopaths who will lead them directly to hell with their 'good intentions'
Posted by alexandra_k on November 30, 2017, at 22:00:00
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 30, 2017, at 18:28:12
I'm okay. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm not. That's why I bury things, here, where people don't read them...
I have this person who is able to come with me to my next social housing appointment. I think she sounds okay... Similar responses to me to various things. That's what you need, basically.
I was thinking... I don't know anyone who only owns one house. Well, my sister's kids own one house. They own apartments that they rent to people. They don't live in their investment apartments, though. Everyone else I know who owns one house, owns another house. That is a problem, really, you have all these people with... People pets.
One of my friends who owns rental property... Likes to talk about the people who are renting in it. She manages it herself... Means she gets to do property inspections, and the like. There is something... Dehumanising. About it all.
Apparently this government is about buying properties for more state houses. Ones that are responsive to need (since apparently the problem before was that the houses didn't match need and / or they were substandard in terms of heating and so on).
Perhaps the thing to do is to... Fill in the application form myself. Fill it in properly. Look at the policy criterion and make a case for what I need. Maybe they will buy me a house. Maybe they will enable me to rent to own it. That is supposed to be the idea of it...
Why not me?
Why must it always be about providing a 6 bedroom house to the people who decided to have 13 kids?
We will see...
I'm not about to lose it now, when I'm so close...
My supervisor is coming to town for conference. A bunch of people are. I'm... Trepidation... There are so many things I want to ask him... I wonder if I'll get to... I really want to know what he thinks about so many things... I feel like the prodigal child...
I'm scared I'll be forced into a boarding house where I feel physically unsafe.
I didn't realise that banks yay or nay mortgages for... F*ck knows why reasons. To keep black people in black neighbourhoods (in the US). To... F*ck knows what, over here.
I like to think it is about ensuring that people who need quiet in order to function highly in important jobs have the quiet they need in order to function.
Because... Communities... Much as they might go on about wanting to live in happy social friendly places... Want things like clean drinking water and bridges and houses that won't fall over, really. Engineers. And they don't want to go blind when that might have been prevented by a relatively simple operation. They don't want to need a heart transplant because they didn't get given antibiotics. They don't want bullies taking their stuff. Beating them up on the streets. Etc.
Anyway...
Thinking about what to do...
I think people are afraid that I'm sent out as bait.
Like how when I was younger the Maaori fulla's used to send me out to stick out my thumb to hitch a ride. Then, when some (usually dodgey guy) pulled over to give me a ride they would jump out of the bushes and jump in the car, too.
When I look for a rental property for myself people think there will be people lurking in the bushes, like that. Ready to jump out of the bushes and move in. That they will be the problem people, really.
If this support lady is presentable etc... Then if she comes along with me *as my support person* and we are on the same page about my having a quiet place in which to work and prepare meals etc...
Someone might decide I'd make a nice people-pet after all.
Is life really like this for... Everyone? Most everyone?
Posted by alexandra_k on November 30, 2017, at 22:33:02
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 30, 2017, at 22:00:00
It's supposed to be about people fixating on a local optima and not realising that they are stuck in a local fitness trap. They fight to climb the top of some localised hierarchy not seeing that there are peakier peaks in every single other developed nation in the world.
I think people are still trying to force me into something that they think is best for me... People would like me to be a lawyer. Really people would like me to go back to being a philosopher. Really really people would like me to just go on being ignored by everyone around me in some local community. Really really really people would prefer me to be some kind of blow up doll for them...
People say they want people to be 'more resilient'. By which they mean... That they are insensitive / insensible. They don't understand the sensitivities. They are incapable of making those discriminations. To the best of their ability to see... There are far far far more capable people than there are places for them and so people are nothing more than replacable parts.
But we keep picking such a mixed bag. Really... We lack the ability to tell. TO distinguish. To discriminate. But then so many instances of even current systems being overturned by nepotistic interests. Local optima, again.
People think that a better world is a world where they have a bird in a cage. They think that world is better than a world in which the bird is free. There is no conception of 'if you love something - set it free'. They will never experience another being with them voluntarily. They would rather be surrounded by slaves.
Why are these, awful, people, allowed to be?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2017, at 17:39:21
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on November 30, 2017, at 22:33:02
It's about the decile rating of the school. I always thought that didn't matter, because I wasn't planning to have a kid and send it to the school. But the village is supposed to raise the kid and the kids are going to be walking about the village.
My school wanted to keep me because they got money for having me and I was easy to manage. I just got put in the corner with a book. That meant the teacher could spend the time they would have spent on me (if everyone got equal time) on a kid who couldn't read yet.
They didn't get me learning maths (were delighted I didn't just pick that up myself / my Mother didn't teach me) because they could make a case that I only had a tiny little pocket of competence. Mostly I fit right on on.
I remember they did have this take-out thing that happened after the inspectors came. We did really innane sh*t like drawing the first letter of our name in block capital and filling it with pictures and talking about what it represented to us. Me and 4 of the 'smartest kids' they could find. None of us were streamed into the highest ability class at High School, even. Only one of those was streamed into the second highest ability class at Secondary (and he didn't even go on to University, I don't think). The others were average or even below.
The highest stream was for the teachers kids.
It isn't just that I live beside a school, it's that I live beside one of the worst decile schools in the country. It isn't the sound of happy kids. It's the sound of hungry and / or beaten kids. Angry kids. Awful kids.
This country has always expected me to live in the sh*t with the shittest people there are. Because... It could. Because people could guilt me and cajole me into believing that this was the right place for me and this is what I deserve.
It isn't about governmnt bonded places... About following orders to commit atrocities... It's about seeing that committing atrocities is likely the solution to the problem... It's about the psychosis (or something) the... Dehumanisation... That occurs to you (in you) as you are forced to live in such an environment.
But there are people who enjoy being the boss of it. Largely... Insensible. Insensitive. People who realise their time is limited and... Their only option in life is to take what they can get for as long as they can get it because... Their capacity is limited.
Maybe their lives could have been different if people were kinder to them and if they were raised as a miniority in a moral majority.. That isn't likely to happen for them...
I am a great person. I have the capacity to be. Not being arrogant... Being... Realising...
And then this idea that there isn't any such thing as great people... It's about the environment that supports / enables them.
How about the environment that simply refrains from preventing them? The environment that lets them work on their schedule (that trusts they know best what is best for them) instead of them having to suffer constant micro-mismanagement by incompetents?
So many of our people leave...
That's why I get to thinking that it's just a place to raise (early years) the worlds rubbish... Take out the odd few...
Are great people... In part... Are they rare? I mean.. Do you need to have a high birth rate in order to produce them? Thinking... In civilisation great people are enabled by the society having certain things... Choosing to invest in certain things... But population size...
Why does NZ want to produce so many gamma babies (extremely liberal alcohol laws and saving oxygen deprived babies so fetal alcohol is around 4 percent and intellectual handicap so high)
Why do we want so many gamma babies for?Is it replaceable parts? Bodies to experiment on?
We don't have informed consent.
Here's informed consent (to share information I provide in applying for state housing).
'The social housing outcomes worth study is a university of xxx study that looks at the effects of housing on health and wellbeing. Some of the information you give to the ministry of social decelopment and housing new zealand will also be used in the social housing outcomes worth study. However, the infromation given to researchers, and the final published research, will not identify you or your family by name'
This isn't informed consent.
If this isn't being bullied into participation (in order to apply for a state housing house you need to participate in research) then I don't know what is.
I don't know that this country wants my person.
which is very sad, really.
I grieve for it's stupidity.
At one point in time I said 'I don't believe I'd have accomplished half of what I have today if I'd have been raised in any other country'. Or similar.
Of course the truth is...
I'd likely have accomplished... 2x... 4x... 6x...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2017, at 18:04:09
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2017, at 17:39:21
And the grades thing is b*llsh*t, I realise. Not quite throw them up the stairs and see which ones fly the furtherest, but generally speaking there is an incompetence. An inability.
Graders are unable to distinguish the difference between the essay that someone wrote in 1/2 an hour without having attended the lectures or done the readings and the essay that someone wrote in several days after attending the lectures and doing the readings.
In science classes... They ask questions on content they haven't taught. I don't know where they are pulling their questions from... And some of the questions are terrible questions (ill formed, contradictory etc) which suggests that they are (at least sometimes) trying to write them themselves...
I think there is this idea that things are random. They want things to be random. They can't distinguish the difference.
I don't know.
There is this inability / unwillingness to focus on training / teaching people for high quality tests / assessment.
It was like... There once was a program that had a really productive research school with academics who were very productive and much the subject of other peoples writing from all around the world. You might think that the undergraduate program in the vicinity would focus on teaching the undergraduates about their work such that the best of them could transition smoothly into being productive members of the research school. But, no, the undergraduate curriculum was fill of people trying to teach *their* work...
There once was a program that had a heavy hand in developing medical curriculum and assessment. You might think that other medical programs would do what they could to be part of and help develop and extend the curriculum and prepare their own students as best they could for the assessment.
But no, those other programs think they know better what to teach and how to assess... And of course their own students then tend to not do so well in the objective assessment and not do so well with respect to being selected on to actual training to be an actual doctor.
Sigh.
Local optima.
The housing thing is really getting to me. Has got to me.
I know, I know. I'm entitled. I'm expecting too much. I deserve to be taught a lesson. I deserve to be murdered in my sleep.
I know I sure as sh*t deserve to not have to live in the vicinity of poor people who choose to have kids despite their poverty. When I think of what I gave up in life in order to pursue my own education (at less cost to society). I'm f*ck*d if I'm going to stay here with people constantly trying to have me feel that I'm a burden on society. That I'm a drain on resources etc.
In a country that will not let me work.
That has me so focused on what to eat? what to eat? why are the awful people squarking all day? Why is that awful man bang bang banging in his shed so my life is so full of that... That no reading was done that day.
I've learned life really is not worth living, in some communities.
I need to not live in a community were I am unsuited. It isn't good for me. And it sure as sh*t isn't good for them. I'm learning to externalise...
Our psych institutions are full of a bunch of people detained against their will, apparently. Highest rate of that in the world. Really? I just heard that at disability conference. Involuntary committment in psychiatric institutions.
That will be why the Henry Bennett CEntre (where I spent an awful lot of my time) is no longer accredited for Psychiatry training. They aren't letting the students see what is going on in the centre anymore. Several forensics wards.
And the prisons are full.
And the overflowing prisoners and the people who want to be committed (therefore are thrust out into communities) are those getting state houses. In complexes.
YOu know the one... Where guy released from jail lives. And then he sees there isn't a male hanging over me. So he decides to be my friend. And when I don't seem interested he starts to blast pornography on the TV and make loud moaning noises etc. As is his right. Enjoyment of his own home.
This kind of community really wants alex.
For sure.
enough.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2017, at 18:08:31
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2017, at 18:04:09
and all of this is supposed to make me settle, isn't it.
i'm supposed to go... given the alternative, that guy over there really isn't so very bad. and maybe he will only want to sleep with me (despite what i think about it) not very often at all...
or i'm supposed to go... given the alternative, my friends will have me stay with them longer term. I just need to pretend to find it amusing when they enter my bedroom without knocking and accept that I am expected to eat with them every night and get better at getting up early before they leave and checking with them what they want me to be doing that day...
and i'd rather be dead than not have my freedom.
so they'd rather be dead, i guess.
because they don't want what it is that i want... to catch on. or other people would start wanting it... holding out for it...
family structures would fall apart.
and so on.
i didn't realise person-status was so rare.
i don't know that i consider heads of harems and heads of... masses of slaves... to be persons, really.
if you love something you have to set it free...
if you think a better world is one were you have a bird in your cage rather than one where the bird is free to be where it pleases...
i don't want to live in your world.
i really just don't.
people...
don't seem to want me to be.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2017, at 18:21:07
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2017, at 18:08:31
and i did get exactly what i needed for grades. so i got what i needed. check. and i won't be arrogant. that's the idea. i'll be supplicant. it's supposed to motivate me...
it's not supposed to be about my learning to have realistic self assessment. i don't know they are capable of realistic assessment in any meaningful sense, anyway.
i suppose all that matters is whether you are allowed to do it or not.
now it's about whether i'm allowed to live in a habitable house, or not.
i don't know what to do... i don't know how to cast it...
i can ask for help... but typically... people aren't much help. they are however many steps behind. they think (would have advised that) i can't do things that i've done (thus got them to happen for me). and so on...
this lady says she can only walk beside me. i like that. it sounds... like it might be true. it might be realistic self assessment on her part. which i value a great deal. yeah.
helping me figure what's reasonable...
i think the government should buy a house that would be suitable for me to live in. yeah. it would be terrific if i had the option to rent to own it. if it really was suitable... i could stay there for a number of years. i woudl actually be incentivised to. if i can actually study there and sleep there then things would work quite well...
and if i need to move on... away... i'm sure they wouldn't have any trouble finding another person just like me. a mature person with a need for privacy and quiet. i'm really sure they wouldn't have trouble filling it with a suitable applicant (i'm not that arrogant, really).
it's all about whether they let me...
i don't know what to do... view more expensive housing?
they believe tehy are incentivised into having me accept (or force me into) the crappiest sh*t hole they can. because, you know, this country doesn't need competent people to get on with their work.
i'm exhausted. if only i had my own space so i could refresh, recharge, renew then i'd be in the position to figure out how to get the space that i need.
i need to not live in / work too closely with people who choose to live in communities such as these.
i guess that might be why surgery might actually be feasible. don't have all that much of a person contact / person connection.
the more removed i am from the masses... the more i'm under the illusion the masses are more articulate and more caring and more... human... than they appear to be when i'm up too close an dpersonal with all their awful and dehumanising and bruitish personal choices.
teh replaceable parts...
that's why i said trauma and not joint replacements. things like surgical mesh... suture types... all these things... 'leftovers' from operations.. all these things that apparently don't require informed consent.
it's up to me to figure how to ask for informed consent appropriately.
need the space and time to figure it out. how to ask... how to view the situation.
you get to close to research and you start thinking 'nobody in their right might would consent to that' and then you start thinking 'we best not ask for informed consent since nobody in their right mind would consent to that'
it's not good.
i worry that living here might have been part of some learning experiene that is supposed to teach me why atrocities need to be committed to people against their will. that things must be done... that this must be the way of the world... to protect the pockets of civilisation...
stop corrupting alex. stoppit.
who profits?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2017, at 20:11:41
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2017, at 18:04:09
I'm really not doing so well. Needing to ask for food grant assistance every few days. Not having a fridge to store stuff in, so eating oddly. Running out of food grant.
Bang and scream and squarp from out my window, fairly constantly. Worse now, with warmer weather meaning I need to keep windows open. Unable to get undisturbed sleep.
It is about it being costly to punish. If I need peace and quiet and someone else likes to bang bang bang then... Who is going to stop them? Who has the power to take the hammer or the drum sticks or whatever away? What are the chances that that would be sufficient, or that the person would retaliate in some way. Buy something else to bang with and to bang louder?
And in this way civilisation is undermined. We are all held hostage to the whims of the loudest bullies. That's not any kind of life for persons. It's a life for animals... For brutes... For savages...
Most people here aren't co-operative. THey aren't interested in fair bargains. They aren't interested in the idea of inter-personal interaction as being of mutual benefit. They start out with this idea that the smartest or most rational or whatever position is... Psychopathic. Basically. Take what you can for as long as you can because you can hurrah! Then when that seems to be failing you (as the people catch on) move away and rinse and repeat somewhere new.
Which would be a... Way to live. I guess. If you are interested in living like the brutes and savages.
Living here has certainly been a lesson in how people choose to live... Also a lesson in how lots of people really don't seem to mind. THey are happy enough to turn up their music or tv in response. To create a little noise pocket around them. To participate in an arms race of noise...
Then you need... Something... TO try and keep them out of certain other neighbourhoods.
I feel... Violated. My physical person. From the vibrations / noises. I don't feel that I have my own space when it's full of other peoples vibrations / noises. It feels like an assault on my physical person. It drives me to... Want to shoot myself in the head. Or them... HOnestly... It drives me insane. Then lack of sleep... I suppose people want to be locked up half the time because they just want a place where they can get some f*ck*ng sleep without being interfered with by the bullies and / or insensitive / insensible... homo sapiens... in their community.
It isn't about intellectual handicap. It is about something else. I don't know what that something else is... But intellectually handicapped people are (some of them) capable of conducting themselves with... Something along the lines of sensitivity and respect for persons. It isn't about intelligence... I don't know how to quantify... I have been thinking a lot about zombies...
I need to keep applying for funding with the government... And mostly... THere is nothing there. ALl it is is data collection. And all of the data is dutifully entered into foreign designed and managed software systems. To enable people to figure such correlations as 'how many people who apply for government assisted housing commit violent crimes in their neighbourhood in the next 2 years' and so on...
All the things like that...
The putting me... Putting my name into these groups. Saying that I (my person) belongs in the group that applied for housing. My person belongs int he group that applied for food assistance. And so on... SO then a number of inferences abotu mjy person can be made. You know, like how I'm predicted to commit a violent crime in the next few years (which is why I should be blocked out of certain neighbourhoods) and so on and so forth... I'm always expected to take the hit for others... When I'm the outlier... I was never meant to finish school, to go to uni, to complete a degree and so on... THen the fact that I did... Never counts in my favor...
I'm tired of being targeted as someone who would make good bait. TO keep the bullies occupied.
This is a filthy nasty country filled with opportunistic bullies. I don't see much in the way of persons here. This is mjy response to my predicament. Still... I don't have the urge to join the ruling class and inflict suffering on the masses...
We just can't seem to pull together. Can't seem to identify people capable of pulling together...
We are the most experimented on population in the world. With out alcohol laws... Breeding replaceable homo sapiens parts. A population of them. On which we can trial our this and our that. Otherwise... Strategic retreat. There really is... NOthing here, at all.
Or...
Not for me.
I don't know what it is. Why things are so horrible here. Pretty f*ck*ng sure I"m not at all interested in living, like this.
I don't understand why I'm always expected to.
I don't like homo sapiens very much, at all. Nasty things.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 7, 2017, at 17:49:27
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2017, at 20:11:41
it's a kind of silence of the lambs in reverse...
i've been thinking about that a lot, lately. partly because someone I knew who trained to junior doctor before switching to academics... for a while... he was (it seemed to me) fairly obsessed (I thought) with psychopaths... and i didn't think that hollywood psychopaths (of the hannibal lecter variety - but of other varieties as well) were psychologically plausible.
there is controversy about that, you see, about whether there are more... florid frontal lobe defects that are associated with lack of sociabe behavior... the idea of a psychopathic genius... i wasn't so sure... and the idea of a person who could display adequate sociality to get to train as a psychiatrist and practice for a number of years... that people didn't notice much earlier that something was wrong...
anyway...
in silence of the lambs the sounds of the innocents screaming because they were going to be slaughtered. and she ran away with / tried to save one... then the farmer was so angry she was taken away from that environment.
and i have the sound of children screaming outside my window. not because they are going to die but because they are forced to live. because their lives are so painful.
i don't have this picture of their living happy lives outside school lives with their mothers. they aren't like the lambs...
mass birth control (most humane) or a mass slaughtering... medication in their drinking supply?
i just need to stop them from screaming outside my window...
doign my best to run away...
looking at the 'options' i have to run to...
always with the potential noise problem. always... always the overcrowded screamers just outside my window. in all the properties i can afford. otherwise properties that aren't safe for me to commute to when it comes to where i need to go...
teh awful screamers are always centralised... placing themselves between you and where you need to go...
civilisation is so very fragile, here.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 7, 2017, at 17:55:57
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on December 7, 2017, at 17:49:27
It's just a no brainer that any kind of human medical treatment will involve:
1) These people travelling out of their communities into communities where doctors can function
or
2) Ride on in... Treat... Ride on out.
Probably... They'll just continue to be ruled by incompetent bullies... Since they don't seem able to tell the difference...
Or something...
I don't know.
It's not for me, that's for sure. Beam me up, tick tock.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 18, 2017, at 0:33:34
In reply to Re: politics, posted by alexandra_k on December 7, 2017, at 17:55:57
the waiting is driving me nuts. the not knowing. trying to make plans, to get things in place, but everything is dependent on whether i get a place, or not.
i am scared that if they think i'll settle for x or y or z... if they think i'll just settle into one of those other degree programs... that they won't offer me a place because of that.
that's probably a silly thought, though. i think they'll probably decide if they want me or not independently from whether i'll settle into something else. i mean... they take people out after only first year who would settle just fine into physiology or biochemistry or molecular biology or whatever...i just don't want to do anything else, at this point. but i very much want to do this.
i'm almost afraid to read books... in case i jinx it. i don't usually feel that way about books, but. but then it starts to feel like any sort of planning for next year might do that. signing up for a lease on a house...
what am i going to do if i don't get to do this?
i don't want to study anything else at this university. i don't want to study anything else at any university in NZ. i... don't want to study anything else. i can't think what on earth kind of job for me... so... a life on disability...
i wish we could have sensible conversations about a life worth living. about informed consent to end it. about rational reasons that are to be respected, and so on. i don't think my life is worth living, at all costs. but we aren't allowed to talk about such things... can't process any of it with an impartial...
the hippocratic oath thing is funny. the bits about teaching the doctors kids if they want to learn. about not performing abortions. the whole thing...
the other alternative applicants found out months ago. of course it's possible i did, too. that my application status won't change because they chose not to consider it. but otherwise... i guess i find out with the undergraduate / graduate applicants. because they were the places decided in the most recent admissions committee meeting. i suppose that is it. i suppose there is some kind of... you always remember hearing about getting in. since it alters the course of your life, so.
i just know i will be so very miserable if i don't get to do it. i... don't want to do anything else.
other applicants... at this point... can always finish their first degree. can always finish an honours year. a masters. a PhD. go into the workforce. apply back later. but this is it, for me. i suppose the other people in that boat all heard back earlier, to be fair. it is hard waiting so long... signing a lease on a house? I guess I just gotta have faith...
:(
Posted by alexandra_k on December 18, 2017, at 0:41:41
In reply to Re: aww, posted by alexandra_k on December 18, 2017, at 0:33:34
it will probably be alright. i think i have been getting the message, this year, that academic people are, not opposed to my doing it, at least.
only... maybe i'm being delusional about that.
that is perhaps what is hard, about waiting.
because of how all the kids have been taught to cry 'me too, me too, me too, i want to study medicine!' and an awful lot of them seem fairly delusional about their chances...
so you (or at least I) start to feel afraid that I'm just one of those.
that people have merely been polite to me. that people have thought that i'll settle into something else, if i stick around for a time, that i'll be okay. that delay delay delay is just a way of trying to break things to me gently...
anyway... whatever... only a few more days...
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