![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 4, 2006, at 19:45:31
This whole approval/Good Enough/etc thing has been a big topic in my life lately, and my husband just walked by and said something like, "If you need approval so much, why don't you try to get it from me?"
Good question, huh?
I've got a lot of thoughts in my head about it, but I don't think I have any real idea of the problem.
One thing is that I only seem to "need" the approval of people if I know I can't get it. It's obviously not as conscious as that sounds, but that seems to be the trend. No! It's Authority figures. Dang, guess I'll tell him that. And bring it up in therapy...
But it still comes back to this for me: what keeps me from taking in the positives I get? My husband says he approves of me. My T doesn't seem to disapprove of me. My math instructor emailed me my grade and included a note saying she was glad I was in her class again this term. GG doesn't think I'm a complete loser. Etc. (My cat doesn't approve of me much lately, though... That might explain my difficulty sleeping lately -- cat rejection anxiety...)
And in parts of my life, I don't have as much anxiety about being perfect. Truly, there are parts of my life that I move through with confidence. I can't name them off the top of my head, but they do exist. I feel pretty confident of my ability to communicate most of the time, and I feel pretty competent responding to people here on these boards. (And on the sewing and knitting boards...) I give good email... I know I communicate well in writing, and that includes essay type writing. (Although I promised myself 20 years ago that I would NEVER AGAIN take any composition courses...) I can convey information -- a/k/a teach -- well.
Maybe it's as simple as certain things taking me back to my childhood, and the deficits that involved. Kinda seems to be, in a lot of ways...
This is also coming up for me around my physical therapy right now. I'm having more pain than I was, and it's not normal "oooh, is this muscle sore" pain. It's "something's just not right" pain. But I can't call the doctor about it. I'm sitting here paralyzed by it, too -- I know that the doctor should probably be part of the decision about what to do next, but I can't call for an appointment. I'm hoping that when the PT sends his report, he'll include the increased pain, and she'll want ot see me before prescribing more sessions, so that I won't be the one to initiate contact, you know? It's OK if she wants to see me and reevaluate. It's not OK if I have to call her, because then I'm whinging, I'm asking for magic, I'm a hypochondriac, etc. It's Approval from an Authority Figure again...
Ugh. And don't remind me, but I've got an appointemtn coming up with a new psychopharmacologist soon... Scary...
Posted by llrrrpp on September 4, 2006, at 23:14:55
In reply to Hm... My husband just made an observation..., posted by Racer on September 4, 2006, at 19:45:31
Hmm, it sounds a little bit like what Curtm was talking about in the thread just above.
You only seek approval when there is doubt about it being granted. This allows you to fail to win approval, and then you feel like a loser, which was actually your goal in the first place.
There are many ways to feel like a loser. I think your style is just different from mine.
Well, we all punish ourselves, but the pathological part is when we do it on purpose because we feel somehow worse than those who love us, or who surround us.
I'm glad that it's not all-consuming. You recognize your strengths and that's wonderful. You are a good communicator :)
So, what is it about getting feedback/approval in the confident areas that is different from your less-confident areas?
In other words, how is writing a long e-mail to a friend different from writing an essay to a professor? What in your history and experience makes it different? How is teaching riding lessons (where the client is often "testing" the instructor's expertise) different from being evaluated on a math test?
good night Racer. I hope your cat hasn't become allergic to you!
I think I'm allergic to myself. I make me sick. haha I'm cracking up. Sayonara
-ll
Posted by Racer on September 5, 2006, at 0:23:22
In reply to Re: Hm... My husband just made an observation... » Racer, posted by llrrrpp on September 4, 2006, at 23:14:55
>
>
> In other words, how is writing a long e-mail to a friend different from writing an essay to a professor?
lol! Sorry I didn't make that clearer: I won't take another composition class, because I already know I can write well. It's still intimidating to me, but the process itself is known, and that I do it well is known. I would take a class that requires writing essays, but only if it was mostly the content that counted -- I don't need to be graded on my ability to write clearly. That was all I meant. Kinda like grading a cat on napping -- the grade is a foregone conclusion, right?>
> good night Racer. I hope your cat hasn't become allergic to you!
>
> I think I'm allergic to myself. haha I'm cracking up. Sayonara
>
> -llSilly!
I realize this is not an I statement, but you're making my eyes cross and my tummy ache from laughing. It's lovely to see you in a silly mood. It's as right as a smoothie not made from green peppers.
Did I tell anyone I made stuffed peppers last night? They were pretty OK...
The crab cakes tonight, though, were totally MBP. Guess my husband will be begging for crab cakes on the nights he doesn't try to cute me into making Alfredo sauce...
Posted by llrrrpp on September 5, 2006, at 7:40:04
In reply to Re: Hm... My husband just made an observation... » llrrrpp, posted by Racer on September 5, 2006, at 0:23:22
What's MBP?
Is it addictive? How did you get a prescription?
Classes like that won't grade you on your writing. They only penalize if the writing is so distracting or disorganized that the content/theme is not comprehensible.
I kind of need help with writing. mainly I need more practice. oh well.
-ll
Posted by curtm on September 5, 2006, at 10:45:10
In reply to Re: Hm... My husband just made an observation... » llrrrpp, posted by Racer on September 5, 2006, at 0:23:22
...but most importantly, you NEED to approve of yourself or any other kind of approval doen't matter (much.) You need to accept that you tried the best you could and be satisfied with that and move on. You can't change what you disapprove of, so just approve it. Learn from those moments and smile knowing that you did, whether you really apply it later or not.
I have been suffering some esteem issues at work lately, especially with authority figures. No. scratch that- especially with MYSELF. Perhaps I will post later on the work board. I could really use some insight. A silly rule of mine is "You can give 110%, but if you work on two things at the same time, you can only give each 55%." But that is still the best I can do.
Posted by Jost on September 6, 2006, at 11:01:01
In reply to I approve of you... » Racer, posted by curtm on September 5, 2006, at 10:45:10
but I'm tempted to tell you I don't, so you'll care.
That puts me into a bind.
Hmmmm....
Projective identification?
or projective ? something else?
Jost
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Self-Esteem | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.