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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Joan797 on October 7, 2006, at 23:11:49
I don't want this on the Relationship Board.
I am constantly and forever will be struggling with my weight. I have overweight children. My oldest Daughter, soon to be 17 is very overweight. I love her to pieces and she is a beautiful young woman. I don't harp on her abour her weight, and yet try not to have fattening foods in the house. I keep thinking she will make the descision on her own. She has tried to diet in the past and I have encouraged her, in fact, even bribed her with money and clothes.........if you lose this amount I'll give you this.....she never loses over 10 pounds and soon gives up on the diet. She has lots of stretch marks, wears sloppy clothes or ones that are too tight. Shopping is always a bad experience because she tries on clothes that don't fit, gets depressed and ends up buying something that looks horrible on he. She has terrible posture because she seems to be trying to hide her body when she walks. She has developed many sluggish habbits like hours on the computer, phone and watching tv. I used to encourage (sometimes force) her to be active in school sports. She eventually quit them all. She quit dance when her tummy bulge showed in the outfit. She quit backetball when she developed knee pain due to her weight. She quit cheerleading when she was treated like a leper for being larger than the other girls and didn't letter at the end of the year. All of these things, I allowed her to quit rather than throwing a fit because I too know what it is like to be heavy in a thin society. She attends a VERY small school. She is accepted and loved by everyone. She has tons of friends and always has someone to go do something with and many friends come here to our house.
I told you all of that, to tell you this.
My daughter is and always has been crazy about boys. She has had crushes on many, and many were not the cream of the crop. I'm not one of those mothers who think noone is good enough, it's just that I am so worried that they are just playing her and have no intention of seeing her for who she really is....a beautiful bright vibrant girl. Many are friends with her and she wants more. Those that do show her attention, end up hurting her because they only want to try to have sex with her........I worry about her self esteem problem and if that will cause her to eventually say yes to sex just for the attention. I don't know how to help her and I am worried about her. Any advise???
Posted by Jost on October 11, 2006, at 17:35:49
In reply to My Daughter and her Love Interests, posted by Joan797 on October 4, 2006, at 7:10:47
It sounds like a painful situation for you and her. It's hard to be overweight, and not to have one's affections returned. It's also hard to have a child who struggles and is hurting and not to be able to make it better.
All you can do, really, is love her and give her as much support, and respect, and help-- as you can-- but also accept that she may be overweight, she may have disappointments in love-- perhaps more than some people, but everyone does have them, and they are hard to get over, but it happens, in time--
It may be hard for her to come to terms with limitations, but if you stick with her, and believe in her, she'll do it-- in her own way. You'll see what that is, but your love and respect, and acceptance will be so important.
She'll find her way.
Jost
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 14, 2006, at 16:41:18
In reply to Re: My Daughter and her Love Interests, posted by Jost on October 11, 2006, at 17:35:49
Hi Joan,
I was a pretty awkward teenager. I gained 70 pounds one year and weighed a lot more when I was 16-17 than I do now. I couldn't get clothes at normal stores in the mall.I did have one bf in high school. It lasted about 4 months, and it was nice, until he crossed some boundary. I only recognized that boundary about a month ago, btw!
If she's motivated to lose weight, maybe you and she can participate in a more formal program together. Weightwatchers is nice, and the format where clients get support is very helpful (associated with better long-term outcomes than online www support). Even if she doesn't like fitness, she may enjoy going to fitness classes where there are people that aren't 17-year-old cheerleaders.
The first time I ever enjoyed anything remotely athletic was when I was in college and was forced to take this aerobics class. There were all kind of shapes and ages there. A lot of them said nice things to me like- it's nice to see you here every week, or you have so much energy! And it's nice to have a group of people who look like you, and who are less fit than you, so that you don't always feel like a failure.
Clothing is hard. Glamour magazine has a nice section where they dress different bodies in different versions of the latest trends. Also, they might do a before and after, and show how picking the right match of jeans, shoes and a top can make the difference between looking flabby and looking sleek. I'm always amazed at how a simple change can make 20 pounds of difference! Offer to help her pick out a bra that will provide flattering support- something practical- and then buy something fun too- a cute pair of undies! Every girl feels more cute and confident when her undies are cute!
Lastly, tell her that boys are never as critical about body types as women are! Tell her that she can look 10 pounds slimmer and 50% more confident if she keeps her head up and her shoulders back (I started slumping because I didn't want people to notice that I had boobs).
As her mom, you are aware of these issues, which is wonderful. Ultimately, her body is her choice, and you should remind her that you love her no matter what size or shape she is. Focus on her talents, and her gifts. Tell her that confidence and smiles are the most attractive features any woman can wield. Ask her what would make her feel more confident- it might be something like a hair cut, or a new purse- and ask her if she'd be willing to learn some new fitness/eating habits in reward for a nice gift?
You know her better than I do- but if my mom had even once said something like- let's go get your haircut, or let's go exercise together, or go pick out a new outfit - referencing a fashion magazine, rather than her usual source of fashion advice (GRANDMOM!) (or do anything mother-daughter) it would have made me feel a lot more confident.
-Li :)
Posted by karen_kay on January 1, 2007, at 11:55:01
In reply to Re: My Daughter and her Love Interests, posted by Lindenblüte on October 14, 2006, at 16:41:18
This is the end of the thread.
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