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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on June 24, 2006, at 8:10:02
I just don't have good role models. The parenting books seem to concentrate either on little kids or on difficult older kids.
This age is all about boundaries and separation, and I just didn't learn all that stuff.
I feel so totally inadequate.
Does anyone know of any good resources on being a mother to a tween?
Posted by Kath on June 29, 2006, at 18:10:10
In reply to I don't know how to be a mother to an older child, posted by Dinah on June 24, 2006, at 8:10:02
Hi Dinah
There's a good book - I think it's called "How to Talk so your Kid will Listen, & Listen so your Kid will Talk."
Either that, or the word Child instead of Kid.
I'll see if I can remember any other books I might know of.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm a very poor example, in that I do NOT feel that I put enough boundaries in place or HELD them for my son & I sure wouldn't want your children to be where he is, ALTHOUGH - he's a good person - kind, caring, sensitive, etc. So I guess I did a good job in THAT way. But as to responsible, etc. not yet!!
Best of luck, Kath
Posted by annierose on June 29, 2006, at 22:51:41
In reply to I don't know how to be a mother to an older child, posted by Dinah on June 24, 2006, at 8:10:02
I understand the problem completly --- the part about not knowing what to do or say or not to do or not to say ....
Anyway, my T is extremely helpful for me in this way, "Why don't you tell her at bedtime that blah, blah, blah ..." and so on and so forth. I only talk with my daughter's therapist once a month at the most. She is also extremely helpful and has a different take on it. I find the two different therapists approach quite interesting (and I reflect on it quite a bit with my husband). My daughter's therapist tends to be more forgiving re: her behavior --- chalks it up to typical adolescence, my therapist wants stronger boundaries.
I'm afraid I didn't answer your question. I really like the books by Jim Faye (and he has a co-author too). I believe the book is called "Parenting with Love and Logic". I read it a few years back and my daughter's middle school recommended it last year for all incoming 6th graders.
And watch out for puberty! Boys go through it too with moods swings as well. I spent Easter vacation with my 12 year old newphew and he was no picnic, even moodier than my daughter.
Good Luck.
Posted by Dinah on June 30, 2006, at 8:25:59
In reply to Re: I don't know how to be a mother to an older child » Dinah, posted by Kath on June 29, 2006, at 18:10:10
Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll look that up.
I think I'm afraid of being my mother. She always had trouble knowing where she ended and I began. And I had an enmeshed relationship with my father too. I'm afraid I'll keep him too close, and not encourage him to be his own person. And I'm just not sure how to keep that from happening.
On the other hand, my personal style in all relationships tends to be more distant than encroaching, and I'm afraid I'm not giving him enough of myself.
Two contradictory fears.
I'm doing my best. He used to never disagree with us at all, but I convinced him that disagreeing with us and asking for more freedom would please us, so he tries.
I'm sure this will come up in his therapy twenty years from now. :)
Posted by Dinah on June 30, 2006, at 8:31:21
In reply to Re: I don't know how to be a mother to an older child » Dinah, posted by annierose on June 29, 2006, at 22:51:41
Thanks, Annierose. I'll look that up.
My son is this smart sensitive wonderful little boy. The other day he disagreed with something I said. And he said something like "I understand why you might feel that way, and I'm sure many people would, but I prefer..." He sounded like a forty year old therapist instead of a little boy. At least with me. When he's with his dad, he's just as polite but a whole lot sillier, thank heavens.
The pediatrician looked over his glasses at our last checkup when I asked what I should know with the upcoming year. He used to give us developmental tips. He looked at my son, looked at my husband and I (I think he was surprised we both still came) and said I needed to know lots. That my son would shortly start thinking we were the stupidest people around, and he'd think that until he was in his twenties. And mentioned something about him having extra trouble because he was an only that made me feel about six inches tall because I thought he probably meant something specific about our interaction.
It's hard to think of my careful overly empathetic son letting us know that he thinks we're idiots. But as you say, puberty changes everything. I remember being a handful myself around that age.
So much to look forward to. :)
I'll look into those books and start doing my homework.
Posted by Jakeman on July 6, 2006, at 20:58:18
In reply to I don't know how to be a mother to an older child, posted by Dinah on June 24, 2006, at 8:10:02
> I just don't have good role models. The parenting books seem to concentrate either on little kids or on difficult older kids.
>
> This age is all about boundaries and separation, and I just didn't learn all that stuff.
>
> I feel so totally inadequate.
>
> Does anyone know of any good resources on being a mother to a tween?Dinah,
I think at a certain age in the teens, (especially with boys) the mother loses some of her influence and the dad energy is needed for the kid. From my experience it's something that is innate in the developmental process. Perhaps there's a bit of letting go that happens. I'm not sure if you are a single mom or not. In my community they have a great program where they recruit men to be mentors for teen-age kids. Just some thoughts...
warm regards, Jake
Posted by Dinah on July 6, 2006, at 22:13:15
In reply to Re: I don't know how to be a mother to an older child » Dinah, posted by Jakeman on July 6, 2006, at 20:58:18
No, I've got a great husband who is a terrific Dad.
I guess I just tried to be a textbook mom in all the various developmental stages, and am still trying to be. As if that will mean I'm not screwing him up.
lol. Have I mentioned that I'm a bit obsessive?
Posted by Jakeman on July 6, 2006, at 22:23:10
In reply to Re: I don't know how to be a mother to an older ch » Jakeman, posted by Dinah on July 6, 2006, at 22:13:15
You sound like a great mother. I guess I decided to post on here because I had not see any males make posts. It's hard to know what to do raising teenagers.
warm regards, Jake
> No, I've got a great husband who is a terrific Dad.
>
> I guess I just tried to be a textbook mom in all the various developmental stages, and am still trying to be. As if that will mean I'm not screwing him up.
>
> lol. Have I mentioned that I'm a bit obsessive?
Posted by llrrrpp on August 1, 2006, at 1:09:12
In reply to Re: I don't know how to be a mother to an older ch » annierose, posted by Dinah on June 30, 2006, at 8:31:21
I'm 27, and I'm starting to listen to my parents again. my poor parents. Thank god for unconditional love. I've given them a lot of criticism, and avoided them for almost 10 years now. It's starting to get better, but I've been so hurt and so distant for so long. Hard to get into the groove of having a mother, and yet still being an adult...
-ll
p.s. you sound like a great mom with a great kid. Keep up the good work. Your boy will tell you what he needs to know. Don't forget what it was like to be his age. And know his friends. If his friends are trouble, you'll know something is up. A barometer of teenage pressure.
Posted by Dinah on August 1, 2006, at 17:08:54
In reply to Re: I don't know how to be a mother to an older ch » Dinah, posted by llrrrpp on August 1, 2006, at 1:09:12
Thanks!
He's such a terrific kid. And he does choose terrific kids as friends. Respectful and polite. And oddly enough, almost all "onlies".
I guess I just worry about being too intrusive as he gets older. Or swing to the other extreme and be too detached.
Parenting is a hard job! My therapist keeps trying to convince me that I only have to be good enough, not perfect. But I'm not sure he's right there. lol.
Posted by crazy teresa on August 16, 2006, at 13:33:56
In reply to I don't know how to be a mother to an older child, posted by Dinah on June 24, 2006, at 8:10:02
I read a very enlightening book this summer, "Let me tell you what your teens are telling me" by Blaine Bartel. Most of it applied to tweens, as well.
Posted by Dinah on October 3, 2006, at 17:28:21
In reply to Re: I don't know how to be a mother to an older child » Dinah, posted by crazy teresa on August 16, 2006, at 13:33:56
It's been a while since I looked closely at this board!
Thanks for the recommendation. I put it in my cart.
This is the end of the thread.
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