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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by orchid on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:17
Me and my husband have been married for 4 years now. I am 28 years old (will be 29 this december). My husband is the same age too.
In my culture, people have kids very young - typically even 28 is considered very old.
I am thinking of trying to have a kid soon. But there are some unresolved issues - 1. I don't feel very happy as a person still. 2. Marital issues with my husband still. 3. My rheumatoid arthritis is still pretty active, so I am on pain medications.
Any ideas/inputs/suggestions? All my friends have started having babies, and I feel little out of place. Peer Pressure I suppose.
My husband wants to have a baby ASAP. I am still not sure though. I don't feel all that settled in marriage.
Posted by messadivoce on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:17
In reply to Is it ok to have a kid with marital issues?, posted by orchid on August 16, 2005, at 20:13:19
Personally, I don't think that "peer pressure" is a good reason to have a kid. You didn't say that having a baby was one of your greatest desires, although it might be? But it didn't sound like that. I mean, a kid isn't a pet. It's not something you get just because all your friends are doing it. We are talking about a human life here.
I think, from reading past posts, that your marital issues are something to be greatly considered. If I am not mistaken, your husband has been violent with you in the past. I don't know if he has lately, but please remember that while you have the choice to subject yourself to that, an innocent, helpless child does not have any sort of choice or say in the matter. If this isn't going to change in your marriage, do you want to teach your son/daughter that it is okay to hit/be hit?
You also mentioned your health. I don't know a lot about your condition, although I did know someone with it. She has 3 children, but her marriage is very stable and supportive. That being said, motherhood is an ENORMOUS challenge just because of her physical limitations. Again, I don't know how bad your condition is, or what effect pregnancy will have on you.
I think the last line of your post says it all. "I don't feel settled in this marriage." That being said, I don't think it's a good idea to add a baby if you're not sure about your marriage in the first place. Kids deserve a stable, happy family. I mean, no family is perfect, but I think that kids need their parents to be happily married if their odds of thriving are good.
Sorry to be so blunt. Feel free to disagree.
Posted by LadyBug on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:17
In reply to Is it ok to have a kid with marital issues?, posted by orchid on August 16, 2005, at 20:13:19
A baby will complicate the marrital issues. I had my first baby at 28 and felt like an old lady. Looking back it wasn't that old at all. If your not sure if you should have a baby, then you shouldn't do it. Babies are fun to love, there's nothing quite like it. But they are a lot of work. Think it through carefully. Can you take care of a baby if your marriage doesn't survive? There is no perfect time to have kids, you have them it changes your life forever. Have them because you are ready to have them, and not just because your husband wants them.
Good luck with your decision. We all make mistakes and it doesn't have to be a perfect decision.
LadyBug
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:17
In reply to Is it ok to have a kid with marital issues?, posted by orchid on August 16, 2005, at 20:13:19
Orchid,
If you are feeling you have issues now in your marriage, I have a feeling nothing will change once a baby comes in the picture, and in fact, they will probably get worse. I think every child deserves a stable home where the parents are committed to eachother and the family. Divorce is very traumatic as many of us know. Hence, I would refrain from having a child until I am positive my marriage could handle it.
If the marriage couldn't handle it, and you do want a baby, I would cut my losses and find a new husband. 28 is still very young after all. I just don't think it's fair to bring a child into a shaky marriage.
Posted by happyflower on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:17
In reply to Re: Is it ok to have a kid with marital issues?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 17, 2005, at 7:38:11
Posted by Dinah on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:17
In reply to Is it ok to have a kid with marital issues?, posted by orchid on August 16, 2005, at 20:13:19
Take it from me, a child takes all those little fault lines in a marriage and widens them an incredible amount. Especially since there is violence in your marriage, and you aren't sure you love your husband.
Or you could ask yourself this question. Take a look at your marriage and ask if it's the safe secure nest you want to prepare for your child. Or if you were a child, would you like to grow up in the atmosphere of your home? Would it be healthy? Would you feel safe?
Posted by Tamar on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:17
In reply to Is it ok to have a kid with marital issues?, posted by orchid on August 16, 2005, at 20:13:19
My two cents: I'm very worried about your safety. Unfortunately, pregnancy often exacerbates serious marital problems, and I'm afraid for you because of what you've said previously about your husband's treatment of you.
You asked, so that was my first thought. But of course I'm not trying to tell you what to do!
Tamar
Posted by orchid on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:18
In reply to Re: Is it ok to have a kid with marital issues? » orchid, posted by Tamar on August 17, 2005, at 13:48:02
I will wait a few more months atleast and see how things are.
The thing is, I don't think I am ever getting out of my marriage. No matter what happens. We have been through pure hell, and we have managed to remain together, and we still have lot of affection for each other. And we have plenty of good times.
But I sometimes still feel unsettled, and there are problems too. And that is a fact.
I wnat to conceive a chidl when I am happy, and settled and know in my heart "This is the guy whose child I wnat to have" kind of feeling for my husband. But I don't know if I will ever reach that doubtless state in my marriage. But postponing it seems to be a like an endless thing. What happens if I postpone it for 2 more years, and at that time it is too late?
Posted by 10derHeart on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:18
In reply to Thanks all.. I guess the answer is no for now !!, posted by orchid on August 17, 2005, at 14:41:51
Age 30 is not "too late" to have a child. Women commenly have children well into their thirties.
I guess if you felt it was "too late," at any certain age, you would again have to decide to leave the marriage or not have children. Really, the other option just isn't one. I am very blunt, and probably offending you, but I'll take the risk, beasue you and any future, precious little ones are worth it.Orchid, I can only tell you:
I was in a physically and emotionaly abusive marriage. 18 years ago and the emotional scars STILL crop up - out of nowhere- to make parts of my relationships with others difficult to this day. Unbelievable to me, but sadly true.
I stayed in a battered women's shelter - with my then-4-year-old daughter (his step-daughter)on two occasions. Although it was a wonderful resource, this is not a pleasant memory for me or her. She still remembers it - mostly the parts about us and other people crying, and being sad and afraid :-(
Later, I participated in ongoing support groups (as a "survivor") for over a year, and also volunteered at that shelter.
Some of the worst abuse, the worst situations I ever recall from then, happened to women from the day they found out they were pregnant, and continued on past the birth of the baby. With all its joys and wonder, having a child brings up HUGE emotional, financial and marital strain that people truly underestimate. Men who have already exhibited loss of control seem to find the prospect of being a dad, with all its changes and responsibilities, VERY stressful. They often cope with this stress by hitting, hurting, or at the very least, saying horrible things and becoming (more) controlling of their partners.
It's ugly and scary to see. You don't want to invite this into your lives. You don't want to risk even possibly bringing a child into this. Everyone has already reminded you of the whys, which I'm sure you do appreciate and were already aware of - it's just tough to accept - I get that.
I know your husband is not like this all the time. But it doesn't matter, believe me. There is nothing in your description of on-again, off-again violence that differs from several of the terrified, distraught, pregnant women and moms I remember trying to comfort.
I care about you, orchid. Please maybe try to focus on the marriage itself, without the parenting part, for now?
Posted by orchid on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:18
In reply to Re: Thanks all.. I guess the answer is no for now » orchid, posted by 10derHeart on August 17, 2005, at 17:22:44
Thanks 10derheart.
Truth is, it seems a little scary after reading what you have written.
But I also feel my husband is a nice guy basically, so it will work out.
But I am not sure.
I really am not sure of anything - not even if the problem is with me.
Nowadays, he seems to keep getting better, and he says the same thing about me - that I keep getting better.
And it is fairly pleasant and amicable almost all the time.
I really don't know what is the right thing to do.
Waiting till I get older seems to be not possible - especially with the social pressure that I will face when I am in India.
Thanks for the support.
Posted by 10derHeart on August 18, 2005, at 7:18:18
In reply to Re: Thanks all.. I guess the answer is no for now » 10derHeart, posted by orchid on August 17, 2005, at 18:23:56
Well, thanks for not totally hating me. I think you can see where my heart lies.
With children and potential children :-)
Glad you both seem to see each other as improving in your relationship. I don't mean to sound hopeless or mean. He can change and stop that behavior forever. It's NOT impossible. But HE has to want to, realize what's he's doing...and well, you know the rest.
I pray for your marriage and for strength for you to make all the tough decisions that go along with moving, family, pressure and more. We're imperfect humans, so it's all so hard.
Keep your relationship with God that I know you have and you will be alright in the end. ((orchid))
Posted by Joslynn on August 22, 2005, at 15:23:11
In reply to Is it ok to have a kid with marital issues?, posted by orchid on August 16, 2005, at 20:13:19
I would like to second the "no." My parens' unresolved marital issues (not to mention alcoholism) led to a lot of yelling and screaming in the house, chaos.
Posted by JenStar on October 1, 2005, at 0:44:42
In reply to Thanks all.. I guess the answer is no for now !!, posted by orchid on August 17, 2005, at 14:41:51
hi Orchid,
I'm sorry you're still feeling trapped in your marriage. I understand the desire for kids - I want a child very much, too!I think Dinah's advice was right on the money. Would your home be a good, safe, caring and loving place for a child to grow up? Would the child learn to respect women the way you WANT and DESERVE to be respected?
You are right about waiting. If you keep waiting, things CAN slip through your fingers and disappear -- things like fertility and ability to raise a child. However, that's not the only reason to have one (just because you CAN.) I think it's also important to be sure that this is a future you want for yourself and the child -- a future with THIS man, THIS country, THIS culture.
I hope you're able to make a decision that is right for you. And it's good to see you posting again. :)
jenStar
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