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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 11:26:21
I get to be at wits end sometimes. My husband is a great hands on father. But he sees everything in terms of right and wrong, and he sees everything as a disciplinary problem.
I think he thinks that if he doesn't keep my son, and me, and his mother and grandmother, in line with his anger, the world will go to h*ll in a handbasket.
So if he gets a note from the teacher saying that my son had a crying outburst in school, he sees it as something he needs to be disciplined for. Not physically, neither of us believe in that.
And the wonderful man is great at showing the professionals exactly what I'm talking about, because he doesn't realize what he's doing or how it looks. So he is a wonderful validation for me. They never need to wonder if I'm exaggerating.
It just upsets me so, because I know how it makes me feel, and I came from a long history of good self esteem. How must it feel to a little boy who has never known anything else? No wonder the predominant theme from all of his teachers and everyone who knows him is that the poor child is intrapunitive. (Only one or two have actually used that term, but the others have said the same thing in different words.)
Talking to a professional and being told that his approach isn't working only works for a few days. Then it's back to normal.
For those of you with dogs, I always say he uses a Boxer correction on a Cocker Spaniel. :(
Posted by AuntieMel on February 25, 2005, at 11:54:52
In reply to Differing parenting strategies, posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 11:26:21
My son was always bringing notes home from school for some disruption or another - talking - getting up from his seat [I was only giving her a pencil] etc.
I was so ignorant then that I thought these were punishable offenses. Time out didn't work, taking away little league didn't work. In frustration I resorted to spanking.
Then I went to talk to the teacher [I still regret I didn't do this first] and she said 'oh, don't worry too much about the notes, all the kids get them. your son isn't any worse than any of the others'
I couldn't even show her how angry I was about the notes because I was so ashamed of how I treated him. I still live with that guilt.
So, maybe the notes are just supposed to be information and they shouldn't be taken too seriously. But it sure sounds like he's hard enough on himself that nothing more is needed - except to sit down and discuss what he was upset about.
My two cents - based on my personal experience.
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2005, at 16:31:00
In reply to Re: Differing parenting strategies » Dinah, posted by AuntieMel on February 25, 2005, at 11:54:52
The worst part is that these aren't even those sort of notes. They're more that he got really upset and started crying notes. I can't imagine how my husband thinks yelling at someone for crying will be useful. :(
There is a huge difference in the ways we view the world sometimes.
Do you have a good relationship with your son now? If so, perhaps you could talk to him about how hard it was to know the right thing to do and apologize. I did that with my brother and learned that I was carrying a lot of guilt for nothing. He thanked me for apologizing, but said it was what brothers and sisters did and he hadn't been injured by it.
Posted by AuntieMel on February 26, 2005, at 9:49:27
In reply to Re: Differing parenting strategies » AuntieMel, posted by Dinah on February 25, 2005, at 16:31:00
Thanks for asking. Yes we have a pretty good relationship though it is sometimes difficult to maintain. Not because of clashing personalities, but because neither of us is really chatty and he's lived out of state for the last 10 years.
I have apologized. More than once. He doesn't seem damaged by it - but *I* still feel guilty.
This is the end of the thread.
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