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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 56 to 80 of 88. Go back in thread:
Posted by zazenducke on April 26, 2007, at 14:03:30
In reply to Re: sensitivity clubs *trigger*, posted by one woman cine on April 26, 2007, at 13:54:09
You may be right. I didn't see the first remark.
I didn't know what to make of the Herbicide remark
I did read and gave it the most generous interpretation possible:)
Posted by Gabbi-2 on April 26, 2007, at 14:04:05
In reply to sensitivity clubs *trigger* » Gabbi-2, posted by zazenducke on April 26, 2007, at 13:47:56
I honestly don't think I would be able to take that lightheardedly. I can't read "chop you up"
as a light play on a name. Now if someone had said "I'd like to fling that tofu out the window or something associated with tofu maybe, but saying "someone should chop *you* (my emphasis) up" gets right to my gut, And besides, if it was a joke, it certainly was no improvement on animal cruelty jokes, I'd put them on the same level.I'm not on the attack, I'm amazed.
I didn't like the jokes either, and I said so.
I don't think stating an opinion or asking a question is the same as "clubbing" someoneAnyway, now I'm going to take a break now.
I really don't want to make things meaner, and I don't want to add to anyone else feeling bad.
Posted by madeline on April 26, 2007, at 15:58:10
In reply to beating a dead horse - » karen_kay, posted by one woman cine on April 26, 2007, at 8:53:37
Look, I think there are a lot of us that are angry, frustrated and hurt. I think that is okay, there have been some hurtful things on the boards lately.
But none of us should let this turn into something that we will regret later. The way I see it is that we are all in a relationship here and we all have ownership in whether or not we continue to hurt each other, there is plenty of room for all to have their say but in my opinion, we will all be better off if we "fight right".
These are some rules of fighting that my therapist and I have worked on over the years and are basically all over the internet and any relationship self-help book you pick up. Learning how to express ourselves well without hurting people is going to be essential to keeping our relationship here going (with or without bob).
1. Use "I" language. The word "you" will, most assuredly, cause someone to become defensive. The minute we hear "You did this" or "You did that," we feel we are being judged and our automatic human reaction is to defend our position. The moment we become defensive, communication stops.
2. No "zinging." Many of us think a little, friendly "zing" or sarcastic remark is harmless. Not so. In fact, one of the number-one indicators of underlying conflict or negativity within a work environment or relationship is increased sarcasm. There is nothing harmless about it.
3. Don't "chase rabbits." Not sticking to the topic at hand, or chasing rabbits, creates a negative emotional reaction in others. When we don't stick to the point, the person trying to listen is first confused, then impatient and finally resentful.
4. Don't interrupt. It's not only rude, but it often creates the opposite of what we want to achieve. When we interrupt, we generally think we will end or reduce the length of the conversation, but the opposite is true.
5. Restate what you heard. We should make this tip a habit in all our conversations. If we have restated the other person's message correctly, their reaction will most often be, "She DID understand me!" Then you can move on to the next issue.
6. Ask questions that will clarify, not judge. A question should never begin with the word "why." That puts people on the defensive -- and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than continues it.
7. Stay in the today, not the yesterday. Often, when we talk about the yesterdays, we tend to throw up the past, or blame. Blaming is a judgment and automatically causes the other person to become defensive.
I personally copied these from this website (like I said they are all over the internet), but nonetheless found them to be true.http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/0,,cr7,00.html
Posted by karen_kay on April 26, 2007, at 16:58:25
In reply to Re: let sleeping dogs lie? (or lay?) *trigger* » karen_kay, posted by Gabbi-2 on April 26, 2007, at 13:35:21
because you are so delicious dear?
i'd eat you anyday darling :)
sorry to hear you'd recieve somethign like that, but you truly are delicious. and wonderous. and perfect. and gorgeous. and the list is neverending....
Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2007, at 18:06:36
In reply to sensitivity clubs *trigger* » Gabbi-2, posted by zazenducke on April 26, 2007, at 13:47:56
> many are they who go clubbing to the clubs of sensitivity
>
>Please don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by Dinah on April 26, 2007, at 18:15:23
In reply to Re: let sleeping dogs lie? (or lay?) *trigger* » karen_kay, posted by Gabbi-2 on April 26, 2007, at 13:35:21
> HOW IN THE HELL can someone who sends a babblemail saying "you should be chopped up and put into a stirfry" compare themselves to Martin Luther King?
>
>You've been asked to be civil, so I'm going to block you from posting. I'm going to set the length at one week, but Dr. Bob may adjust that as he sees fit.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by zazenducke on April 26, 2007, at 18:58:31
In reply to Re: sensitivity clubs *trigger* » zazenducke, posted by Gabbi-2 on April 26, 2007, at 14:04:05
> I don't think stating an opinion or asking a question is the same as "clubbing" someone
>
I'm sorry Gabbi. I have never thought of being sensitive as a negative. I was using the phrase as in attending (go clubbing) a club of sensitivity ( cabaret type club for sensitive people?). I certainly shouldn't have posted that. It seemed like a funny image but I should have kept it private. It was ambiguous I know. I wouldn't explain at all but that I don't want you to think I meant assaulting someone with a blunt instrument. I'm sorry I speculated at all about what the other post meant too. I trust your block will not be too upsetting since you had planned a self block anyway.
Posted by karen_kay on April 27, 2007, at 7:08:36
In reply to Re: let sleeping dogs lie? (or lay?) *trigger* » karen_kay, posted by Gabbi-2 on April 26, 2007, at 13:35:21
i'd hope you did forward that to an administrator dear.
take care of your lovely self dear. you deserve only fien wine, wonderful love, and only great sex (only the finest for you). oh, and did i mention fabulous shoes that leave no blisters?
Posted by karen_kay on April 27, 2007, at 7:14:15
In reply to beating a dead horse - » karen_kay, posted by one woman cine on April 26, 2007, at 8:53:37
thanks owc. i do agree with the trigger warnign being sufficient. but, i do regret hurting one's feelings. however, (i can be mean, you know. it runs in my family) i'm beginning to not care so much at this point.
does that make me a bad person? (that's a rhetorical question of course. i'm a truly fabulous person, with only a slight mean streak. hey, that's what makes kk kk, and what makes me love me as much as i do :)
oh, and completely unadmin..... i've enjoyed the chance to get to know you. i'd really enjoy the chance to argue with you some more too. ok, maybe a bit more getting to know you first though, so i have some good ammunition to throw back at you.... benny hill???? that'll coem in handy one day for sure! (also, i must say, your archiving skills are truly admirable! don't go hunting for anything i've written. i'll lie and say 'that wasn't me. i was drunk.' i'll figure somethign out :)
Posted by one woman cine on April 27, 2007, at 8:01:04
In reply to Okay Okay! enough already!, posted by madeline on April 26, 2007, at 15:58:10
I believe in the golden rule, maddie.
I truly, truly do. What bothers and upsets me in any interactions with people is when it's OK for one person to engage in a behavior, but not OK for anyone else.
For example - I don't post babblemails - I don't want people posting mine. I do my level best to speak civilly to others, I want them to speak civilly to me.
No one's a door mat - & personally, I believe the rules should apply across the board for everyone ....
But, unfortunately - that doesn't happen, does it?
& as I said before, true - toes get stepped on - feelings get hurt - hopefully, apologies are made and a dialogue ensues. Most important is the dialogue.
I haven't had that experience on babble for the most part.
>>>>The way I see it is that we are all in a relationship here and we all have ownership in whether or not we continue to hurt each other....
I totally agree. When I have expressed hurt or dismay or distress or whatever - all I pretty much got (in more than *a few* instances, maddie) was "what's you're problem, owc??" - in general - from whomever....& I am not naming any specific instances, just my overall interpretation of my experience here at babble.
So, I don't know if you're post was specifically addressed to me or not - but I sure hope not.
Posted by fayeroe on April 27, 2007, at 8:53:22
In reply to you know what?, posted by one woman cine on April 27, 2007, at 8:01:04
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 2, 2007, at 19:00:38
In reply to I feel animal cruelity jokes shouldn't be allowed, posted by Happyflower on April 20, 2007, at 13:15:03
I was very bothered by this too. I do not understand why someone would find this funny. We do not make comments on someone's government...rape, we are not to joke about death and suicide..I read that from Bob. I myself would never make jokes about disabled people, fat people,other races so I do not think this should be allowed. I do not even know who posted it ...but it HAS affected me deeply ..I have worked in animal rescue..we have a ton of animals dead due to tainted food....I imagine when DR BOB gets back if people email him that link and their feelings ...we may ? have a new rules on it. It has put my PTSD back a good deal and sleep is harder. I am sure the poster was just making a joke but its no more funny that fat jokes and racist jokes and for me it was VERY harmful. I read many trigger threads ...none have triggered me so I had no reason to suspect this would.
I am also sorry people made posts below that I do not understand...I am wondering if you feel they missed your pain?
Posted by karen_kay on May 2, 2007, at 20:41:45
In reply to Re: I feel animal cruelity jokes shouldn't be allowed, posted by Fallen4MyT on May 2, 2007, at 19:00:38
Posted by zazenducke on May 3, 2007, at 8:25:45
In reply to i prefer 'overweight people' to 'fat people' (nm) » Fallen4MyT, posted by karen_kay on May 2, 2007, at 20:41:45
These are my preferences in order.
Overweight? Over whose weight?!?
Fat is a simple descriptor.
I confess a preference for ponderous since my trip to the thesaurus. But that might not be generally understood and clarity counts I suppose.
fat
big
ponderous
gargantuan
large
weighty
broad
bulgy
husky
rotund
solid
stout
obese
hefty
plump
corpulent
thickset
burly
distended
fleshy
inflated
dumpy
butterball
jelly-belly
roly-poly
tubby
pudgy
overweight
oversize
elephantine
porcine
cow
blimp
lard
grossYour friend
Zazenducke
Number 31 on the fiance list
Posted by karen_kay on May 4, 2007, at 9:24:45
In reply to I prefer fat to overweight as descriptor, posted by zazenducke on May 3, 2007, at 8:25:45
after consulting your list, i must say i'll search and find my favorite.
let me see....
i do like the way tubby sounds, but i think if someone were to call me tubby, i'd be highly offended and upset.
gargantuan reminds me more of a giant, so i wouldn't mind being called that (probably have, even when i was, even at my thinnest.)
dumpy seems rather dull, like a blob.
perhaps it's all in the meaning one takes? much like a joke? just don't call me dumpy, got it ducks? call me tubby, call me gargantuan, call me overweight. just don't call me fat!
your gargantuan, but not dumpy or fat, kk
Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2007, at 9:36:46
In reply to well, if we're throwing big words around... » zazenducke, posted by karen_kay on May 4, 2007, at 9:24:45
I'm not sure I like any of them... Maybe butterball, although it would depend a lot on context. :)
My husband settles for voluptuous. Clever man I have.
Posted by MCK on May 4, 2007, at 12:41:03
In reply to Re: I feel animal cruelity jokes shouldn't be allowed, posted by Fallen4MyT on May 2, 2007, at 19:00:38
it. It has put my PTSD back a good deal and sleep is harder. I am sure the poster was just making a joke but its no more funny that fat jokes and racist jokes and for me it was VERY harmful. I read many trigger threads ...none have triggered me so I had no reason to suspect this would.
>This is not to infer that I find animal cruelty jokes acceptable.
If I saw someone read and ignore a sign that said "Caution, path ends, steep drop off" continue walking, fall and then complain that it made their back condition worse It would be difficult to muster sympathy.
Posted by zazenducke on May 5, 2007, at 8:50:18
In reply to Please be civil » zazenducke, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2007, at 18:06:36
The incivility was not in my post Deputy. I feel harassed as well as accused and put down. I did not LEAD anyone to feel anything. Please retract this PBC at once.
Thanks
Zazenducke
>
> > many are they who go clubbing to the clubs of sensitivity
> >
> >
>
> Please don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down.
>
> Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2007, at 8:58:05
In reply to I Am civil. Please do not misinterpret my posts. » Dinah, posted by zazenducke on May 5, 2007, at 8:50:18
> The incivility was not in my post Deputy.
It is fine to explain what you meant by your post on board, and to explain that you think I interpreted it in a way that you did not intend.
It is also fine to appeal any deputy decision to Dr. Bob.
> I feel harassed as well as accused and put down.However, any reports of harassment by deputies should be made by email directly to Dr. Bob.
And in fact no reports of harassment by any poster should be made on board at all. If you feel harassed by someone who is not a deputy, please use the notify the administrators function. If you feel harassed by a deputy please contact Dr. Bob directly by email.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by zazenducke on May 5, 2007, at 9:05:35
In reply to Re: sensitivity *trigger* » Gabbi-2, posted by zazenducke on April 26, 2007, at 18:58:31
> > I don't think stating an opinion or asking a question is the same as "clubbing" someone<<
> I'm sorry Gabbi. I have never thought of being sensitive as a negative. I was using the phrase as in attending (go clubbing) a club of sensitivity ( cabaret type club for sensitive people?). I certainly shouldn't have posted that.>>Are you out of your mind Ducke? Or have you been at Babble too long? Of course you should have posted that if you wanted to why not? It was CUTE and SO ARE YOU!
>It seemed like a funny image but I should have kept it private.
>>Should Not! That's just silly. I don't like this side of you Ducke. I believe Babble is having a harmful effect on you. Squelching your lovely personality it is.
>It was ambiguous I know.
>>Welcome to life and the English language Ducke!
>I wouldn't explain at all but that I don't want you to think I meant assaulting someone with a blunt instrument. I'm sorry I speculated at all about what the other post meant too.>>I'm not sorry at all. Knock off the smarmy apologies Ducke. Very unbecoming. I will not have you becoming Babbley Correct!
>I trust your block will not be too upsetting since you had planned a self block anyway.
At last something we can agree on.
Posted by zazenducke on May 5, 2007, at 9:12:08
In reply to Please follow site guidelines » zazenducke, posted by Dinah on May 5, 2007, at 8:58:05
is it okay to say I feel "resentful"?
Or to say
my brother tortured me
please do not act like my brother?
I would like to change my language to either of these if they are still acceptable at this time.
They were in use in the last couple of weeks but I know you have changed the rules since then. And I say Go Dinah!! on that. I like me some assertive independent deputy women!
> > The incivility was not in my post Deputy.
>
> It is fine to explain what you meant by your post on board, and to explain that you think I interpreted it in a way that you did not intend.
>
> It is also fine to appeal any deputy decision to Dr. Bob.
>
>
> > I feel harassed as well as accused and put down.
>
> However, any reports of harassment by deputies should be made by email directly to Dr. Bob.
>
> And in fact no reports of harassment by any poster should be made on board at all. If you feel harassed by someone who is not a deputy, please use the notify the administrators function. If you feel harassed by a deputy please contact Dr. Bob directly by email.
>
> Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2007, at 9:28:25
In reply to Re: site guidelines keep changing » Dinah, posted by zazenducke on May 5, 2007, at 9:12:08
The rules have been clarified, not changed.
Resentful is fine. Thank you for the restatement.
Please report any posts that you do not consider civil via the guidelines I described above.
Dinah
Posted by zazenducke on May 5, 2007, at 9:49:54
In reply to Re: site guidelines keep changing » zazenducke, posted by Dinah on May 5, 2007, at 9:28:25
> The rules have been clarified, not changed.
I disagree :)
>
> Resentful is fine. Thank you for the restatement.What about the other? Ok to ask someone not to behave like someone I state has tortured me? (Naturally this someone would not be political figures or religous beings or systems of belief}Resentful does not really capture the feeling I was trying to express as precisely as I might wish.
Bob used the phrase "sorry you felt left out" so why is left out ok and I feel harassed forbidden?
Is "I feel singled out" ok now?
Is "I feel contemptuous" ok?
Is "I feel amused" ok?
>
> Please report any posts that you do not consider civil via the guidelines I described above.
You may not have noticed but Bob isn't actively participating in the boards. I suggest that a selection of poster volunteers be recruited to take over deputying the deputies.
Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2007, at 10:02:28
In reply to Is harassed no longer a feeling? » Dinah, posted by zazenducke on May 5, 2007, at 9:49:54
> What about the other? Ok to ask someone not to behave like someone I state has tortured me?
I have asked you twice to use the report this post button or to eamil Dr. Bob, whichever is appropriate, rather than referring to specific posts on this board, so I'm going to have to block you from posting.
Dr. Bob is always free to override deputy decisions. His email is on the bottom of each page. Please feel free to email him if you believe this decision was made in error.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by kninelover on May 5, 2007, at 11:32:25
In reply to Blocked for a week. » zazenducke, posted by Dinah on May 5, 2007, at 10:02:28
i am sorry you got blocked...it does not mean you are a bad person z ..
i did not know you could be blocked by a question...sigh
i think this block is wrong...where is the "report button" located again?
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