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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by violette on August 27, 2010, at 19:27:21
In reply to Re: released » violette, posted by Maxime on August 27, 2010, at 15:51:44
Maxime, you sound better than yesterday. Crying/grieving is better than feeling like not wanting to exist and feeling like a burden to the world. It can be uphill from here...
I say screw Retail Land. I know you needed a job, but you know-you were too good for them anyway!!
F*ck them!! They are the one's who lost out..another employer will reap the benefits of what you have to offer!
You really are a special person, Maxime. I hope you realize this. And emotional sensitivity is a positive trait-without the empaths, the world would just be full of robots. It would be like a science fiction story, more like a horror movie.
Posted by Maxime on August 27, 2010, at 22:22:05
In reply to Re: released, posted by violette on August 27, 2010, at 19:27:21
Thank you for your kind comments.
I still don't want to exist. I just don't want to talk about it too much on PB because I don't want anyone to feel that they have to call the cops on me. I've had to do that before for a member here, and it's not pleasant. It feels like deceipt even though it isn't. I don't want anyone to ever say "if we had known we would have done something". That kind of stuff does not belong on PsychoBabble. Well, that's my opinion any way. Other members, who are mentally unstable/in pain/unwell should not have to deal with that. If I decide to OD I am not going to announce it here. That's just not cool.
What I can say is that I don't plan on doing anything to tonight. I am having trouble thinking and I don't think I could carry it out. I am too muddled. Confused. And my head hurts from so much crying.
Thanks for caring.
Posted by Maxime on August 28, 2010, at 16:49:34
In reply to Re: released » violette, posted by Maxime on August 27, 2010, at 22:22:05
I cut today and I haven't done that in a very, very long time. I wanted to feel SOMETHING, see that I was still alive. I want to stop.
Posted by floatingbridge on August 28, 2010, at 17:28:55
In reply to FML, posted by Maxime on August 28, 2010, at 16:49:34
Maxine, you must talk to someone on person or on the phone. Does someone at the crisis centre know? Do you have any therapy or group people to call? Even an organization like AA but specific to self injury. Do you know of one?
You deserve understanding and company. Walk barefoot outside in grass or sand. Chew ice cubes. Plunge your feet in ice water. Cold shower. Dig sand with your hands. It takes energy. So does cutting. You can practice distraction until Monday.
Write us
Posted by violette on August 28, 2010, at 18:48:15
In reply to Re: released » violette, posted by Maxime on August 27, 2010, at 22:22:05
Maxime,
I understand what you are saying about writing/not writing certain things here and that is considerate of you.
In reading many of your posts here, I am a bit surprised. you are very intelligent and seem to have many strengths and positive qualities to overcome at least some of these feelings. I'm not saying 'toughen up' 'pull yourself out of it', please don't misunderstand my intentions.
I don't know much about cutting, but did you ever try intellectualization to cope with extreme emotions? It's not considered a 'healthy' defense mechanism-but it is in the higher range, a step up, and can be a useful coping mechanism in times of extreme emotional distress. Just a suggestion for you to try-you might find that reading about borderline in object relations will give you some insights into why you feel this way, and could bring you some relief. It might be worth a try.
I hope all the suggestions by the memebers here are of some benefit, and that you are not feeling overwhelmed by it all. I do believe things will pick up for you soon and given that so many here believe in you, that you can believe in yourself.
Posted by Maxime on August 28, 2010, at 19:45:50
In reply to Re: released » Maxime, posted by violette on August 28, 2010, at 18:48:15
I have been diagnosed as having Borderline traits. I did a year long DBT course and it did help. I went a year and half without cutting until tonight. I've been looking through my DBT binder to see what skills I might use right now. But my mind is all over the place and I can't concentrate and I keep breaking down into tears. I have cried so much these past few days. I think I need to be in the hospital, but I want to wait to see what Monday brings - meeting with Crisis Centre - Calling the store manager to find out why I was fired. - Going to my pdoc to get a script for Dexedrine and to talk. I always feel better after I talk to him. I am EXTREMELY worried about what the store manager will tell me. I keep thinking about it and thinking about it and I really don't know what I could have done to be fired. I have never been fired from a job, let alone after 1 week!!! LOSER. WORTHLESS. BURDEN. PARASITE OF SOCIETY.
I called the Crisis Centre tonight and I felt momentarily better, but an hour later I was in distress and crying. I want it all the stop now. Just stop. I know I not thinking straight but I don't know how to correct it.
I don't think I was meant to be in this world. I was a mistake. I take up too much space. I really don't think I would be missed if I was gone. I think my family is tired of me going through these spells. They don't give me ANY support. When I was in the hospital last time they never came to visit me ONCE. I think they are ashamed of me. People have always expected great things from me and I haven't delivered. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I hate myself. I loathe myself. I never thought that my life would get this bad. Never.
Posted by violette on August 28, 2010, at 20:29:54
In reply to Re: released » violette, posted by Maxime on August 28, 2010, at 19:45:50
"I keep thinking about it and thinking about it and I really don't know what I could have done to be fired. I have never been fired from a job, let alone after 1 week!!!"
You don't seem to be feeling anger at the person who fired you-you seem to be internalizing it instead. It's easier said than done, but when you get in that ocd pattern-but have consistently directed anger against yourself since a young age for various reason-there is an unconscious inner conflict and the thought cycle does not 'stop'. It is circular, but due to the inner conflict, there is no outlet but anger (the outlet can be differnet, but in your case, it appears to be anger) The only way to stop the cycle it is to get angry at them and not you. When your inner conflict is too constricted, the circular thought has 'nowwhere to go' unless you end it-from what you describe, it has to end with anger.
"I know I not thinking straight but I don't know how to correct it."
Likely because you are renumerating-same concept as above. you need to redirect the anger away from you.
I don't have supportive family either, never did. It sucks. You don't need them anyway. You seem to have survival skills and you are very intelligent. I'm glad calling the crisis center brougth you some relief. I've done self-loathing before too. It sucks. I know.
"LOSER. WORTHLESS. BURDEN. PARASITE OF SOCIETY"
That is your superego overriding your sense of self (ego). i don't know if they teach you that in DBT. I think you can get some relief if you become angry at the retail manager, redirecting it away from yourself. Sorry to be so direct or repetitive, as i don't know how this would come across to you. However, I learned this to be true, frequent, and common with people with harsh superegos. It is not something unique to me and it really does work if you are able to redirect the anger within. I think you can do this.
Posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2010, at 21:04:00
In reply to Re: released, posted by violette on August 28, 2010, at 20:29:54
Maxie I understand and also know of thoughts running round and round and not being able to concentrate. But didn't you say earlier that they didn't say fired just said not to come in. Could be any number of reasons and you're not fired right? Phillipa
Posted by violette on August 28, 2010, at 22:31:56
In reply to Re: released » violette, posted by Maxime on August 28, 2010, at 19:45:50
Maxime,
if I may ask, what is your specific educational background?
Posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 13:19:23
In reply to Re: released, posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2010, at 21:04:00
> Maxie I understand and also know of thoughts running round and round and not being able to concentrate. But didn't you say earlier that they didn't say fired just said not to come in. Could be any number of reasons and you're not fired right? Phillipa
True. But to me it's a firing scenario. They didn't have the jurisdiction to fire me. Only the manager can which is why I have to see her tomorrow, or call her ... I can't remember which.
Posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 13:23:41
In reply to Re: released, posted by violette on August 28, 2010, at 22:31:56
I have double major BA in Journalism and Communcation Studies and a Masters in Communications. I wanted to do my PhD, but it never seemed like the right time ... my dad died, i was in the hospital, I couldn't think straight... I know that PhDs suck the life out of you and I really didn't have much life to give.
I also did a one year multimedia specialist diploma but that is void now because I never kept up with the new versions of software because I couldn't afford to.
Posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 13:35:30
In reply to FML, posted by Maxime on August 28, 2010, at 16:49:34
I cut last night - badly. I think I should have stiches but I am not sure. I used those steri strip things and they are holding the wound together and the bleeding has stopped. I am going to have quite the scar. STUPID.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 29, 2010, at 13:48:39
In reply to Re: FML, posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 13:35:30
Maxie, have you searched for any jobs in journalism lately? Or perhaps for a magazine? Maybe you could be an 'agony aunt' since you've been through so much yourself and are so intelligent. Just a thought.
Please don't cut yourself again, you have to hold out until tomorrow. If you feel like hurting yourself, write on here instead.
Posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 13:55:32
In reply to Re: FML » Maxime, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 29, 2010, at 13:48:39
> Maxie, have you searched for any jobs in journalism lately? Or perhaps for a magazine? Maybe you could be an 'agony aunt' since you've been through so much yourself and are so intelligent. Just a thought.
>
> Please don't cut yourself again, you have to hold out until tomorrow. If you feel like hurting yourself, write on here instead.I've searched for jobs in journalism for a LONG time. I guess it's hard to get into the field. There are so many people younger than me who get the jobs. If I lived in a remote area of Canada I would have a better chance at getting a job in journalism, but being in a very remote area would make my illnesses worse. It's too bad because I really enjoy writing.
Posted by floatingbridge on August 29, 2010, at 13:58:26
In reply to Re: FML » Maxime, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 29, 2010, at 13:48:39
I think ed_uk has an interesting idea. And something like an"agony aunt" can be done largely from home. (Less troublesome co-workers.) I've felt for some time that you'd be a very good advocate of some sort.
I've changed the thread title. Want to push that anger out where it belongs. Really. FTW. In a professional setting, people are treated with the respect due every one of us. And when fired are given cause right then and there.
(End of rant.)
Posted by floatingbridge on August 29, 2010, at 14:04:34
In reply to Re: FML, posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 13:55:32
People seem to start freelancing. I have a few friends that do this. It's not bread and butter yet. But they are paid per piece and are in magazines. After placing a few pieces, they have a small portfolio, then a reputation; eventually someone will commission a piece.
Writers can work even if they live w/ depression because they have some control over their schedules and can navigate the ups and Downs more easily than a 9-5er.
Hugs
Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 29, 2010, at 14:41:23
In reply to Re: FML, posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 13:55:32
>It's too bad because I really enjoy writing.
Do you ever write to any of the local newspapers or magazines? Our papers all have sections where various members of the public comment on stuff eg. things in the news.
Posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 15:19:55
In reply to Re: FML » Maxime, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 29, 2010, at 14:41:23
No, I do writing for a non-profit organization as a volunteer. But I only write Press Releases and things like that.
I write a lot of poetry though. One that I wrote recently:
Losing myself.
I summoned strength
to find my inner truth
Walked many corridors
within my mind
chasing thoughts that
sought to render me
weak
Ascended to acceptance
and there comfort held
me in its embrace
I became whole
in welcome of
my own companionship
But peace is fleeting...
For serenity cannot
be bestowed to those
who destroy themselves
And as the memory
of who that woman was
slowly fades
loneliness once again
calls my nameOften I will destroy all my poetry when I am really angry because I feel like it's not good enough. I would have many poems in my collection if I stopped deleting them.
Posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 15:21:44
In reply to Re:FTW » Maxime, posted by floatingbridge on August 29, 2010, at 14:04:34
I really should try this, except I never feel like my writing is good enough. I am scared to try because I have a fear of failure.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 29, 2010, at 15:24:44
In reply to Re: FML, posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 15:19:55
That's really good Maxie (and that really is a compliment because I don't normally like poetry that much). I liked that.
Don't delete your poetry Maxie. Keep it, even if its hidden.
> No, I do writing for a non-profit organization as a volunteer. But I only write Press Releases and things like that.
>
> I write a lot of poetry though. One that I wrote recently:
>
> Losing myself.
>
> I summoned strength
> to find my inner truth
>
> Walked many corridors
> within my mind
>
> chasing thoughts that
> sought to render me
> weak
>
> Ascended to acceptance
>
> and there comfort held
> me in its embrace
>
> I became whole
> in welcome of
> my own companionship
>
> But peace is fleeting...
>
> For serenity cannot
> be bestowed to those
> who destroy themselves
>
> And as the memory
> of who that woman was
> slowly fades
>
> loneliness once again
> calls my name
>
> Often I will destroy all my poetry when I am really angry because I feel like it's not good enough. I would have many poems in my collection if I stopped deleting them.
Posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 15:27:57
In reply to FTW: and a good idea » ed_uk2010, posted by floatingbridge on August 29, 2010, at 13:58:26
> I think ed_uk has an interesting idea. And something like an"agony aunt" can be done largely from home. (Less troublesome co-workers.) I've felt for some time that you'd be a very good advocate of some sort.
>
> I've changed the thread title. Want to push that anger out where it belongs. Really. FTW. In a professional setting, people are treated with the respect due every one of us. And when fired are given cause right then and there.
>
> (End of rant.)Thanks FB. I think things will change after tomorrow. I will know WHY I was fired and then I think I will be able to push the anger in a different direction. I keep wondering what I did or didn't do to get fired. And then again, as Phillipa pointed out, maybe I haven't been fired. Although all evidence points that way.
I am glad the Crisis Centre is coming over and that I see my pdoc tomorrow afternoon. I am almost positive that I will be staying at the Crisis Centre tomorrow night if there is room.
Posted by Phillipa on August 29, 2010, at 19:11:19
In reply to Re: FTW: and a good idea » floatingbridge, posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 15:27:57
Seriously why don't you write a book a true story of your struggles. They are so popular here at least. Almost a diary type book. And I know you will let us know about the job. And you did a good job when you worked. Is the economy as bad as here? And was the store busy? Phillipa
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 29, 2010, at 23:27:41
In reply to Re: FML, posted by Maxime on August 29, 2010, at 15:19:55
> I would have many poems in my collection if I stopped deleting them.
What about posting them on Social (since Writing is inactive now)? (Follow-ups regarding poetry should be redirected there, too.)
Bob
Posted by Maxime on August 30, 2010, at 9:25:54
In reply to Re: FTW: and a good idea » Maxime, posted by Phillipa on August 29, 2010, at 19:11:19
OMG, I am so tired today. So tired. I am waiting for the Social Worker to come. She is due any minute. Then I have to call work. Actually I can't remember if they said to call or that they would call. Then I have A LOT of walking to do downtown to make it to my PDoc.
All of these things are bad enough on their own but it's 33 degrees today plus humidity. I hate when it gets that hot. It exhausts me. :(
Posted by floatingbridge on August 30, 2010, at 9:45:39
In reply to Re: FTW, posted by Maxime on August 30, 2010, at 9:25:54
Humidity wilts me, too. My husband, who has never known depression though it runs deep in his family, loves, absolutely loves hot, humid weather. Thrives.
Good luck with those city blocks. I used to drink ice water when I lived East.
Btw, figures your a poet. :) (Life can
really kick poets in the pants, it seems. One often quoted study--which means I don't have a source--rated poets as very unstable emotionally, second, but hovering near musicians. Architects are most stable.)
Being a poet is not an elite status. It seems to be more a way of perceiving
life. There are probably quite a few on babble.Thanks Maxie, for the poem.
(Air hug. Too hot.)
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