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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by felixbabble on August 24, 2005, at 23:20:46
I posted this in newbies but mabye here is better
I came here about a year ago but didn’t really stick around.
I have been having trouble for the past few years with depression and some manic episodes.
Here is the story;
I now realize for as long as I remember I have had these cycles. In the past the periods of good were much longer then the periods of bad (depression.) I would feel good for months and have a week or weekend of terrible depression; with nothing I can remember triggering it. Over the past 5 years or so these cycles have changed, I have mostly had depression with irregular periods of feeling good (really manic.) This has affected every part of my life terribly.
I have dug myself into a deep hole at school. I am only 4 classes from finishing but have been 6 classes from finishing for the past 18months. I quit a job by basically walking out on it.
I have had a GF for the past almost three years and we have had some major issues as you could have guessed. With my good friends and family I usually hide how much I am hurting and how I feel but they do know that I am sick, I have told them. Friends that I am not as close to I have mostly written off.
About a year ago, I had an all time low, I was feeling suicidal, although no one really knew, and still don’t to this day. I finally couldn’t hide it anymore (my depression) I was just worn out.
Treatment:
AT this point I contacted the emergency counseling center at my school. This was a disaster to say the least. He “Moron 1” would not see me on Friday night when I called, I was told to call in the morning if I still felt bad and someone could come into the city open the office and see me. Well Saturday morning, I got the same guy who said “uhmmm, lets just meet on Monday” giving them the benefit of the doubt I went in on Monday. Talking to someone helped, I went for three weeks twice a week, then I was told by my counselor he was going away for three weeks, and instead of making me wait I would start with someone new who would be there for the long term. I started with a new person and for three weeks brought him up to speed in addition he had me make an appointment for medication at outpatient clinic at another Uni in town that is Ivy League. This new person lets call him “moron 2” met with me twice a week for three weeks, at the end of that time he told me he was going way for three weeks and basically I would have no one to meet with at this time. This is also at the same time I have my first appointment for medication and real diagnosis, after telling “moron 2” that I was anxious about any type of medication. So I quit going there after trying to explain to “moron 2” that no solution was not a good one
At the outpatient clinic I told them my story and was told they would provide me with Therapy and medication management, two different docs. The first doc and colleagues diagnosed me with Rapid Cycling Bi Polar disorder II and put me on Lamictal and Celexa.
I was told that I should wait a month or so before I started therapy there. So, I started the meds. I went back 5 weeks later for my next appointment. I didn’t feel better really so my meds were upped and I was put on a more “aggressive” system of upgrading my lamictal while only upping the celexa slowly. This same sort of thing went on for about four months. With my Psychiatrists consent I made an appointment for therapy at the clinic. I fell into some deeper depression during the time and missed my therapy appointment and would have to wait several weeks for another. The next meeting with my psychiatrist for medication mgmt, he told me this would be our last meeting and he would be leaving. I would have a new Psychiatrist (this was with no warning.) I left very unhappy and did not make another appointment right away. When I did, I was happily surprised with the new psychiatrist who was very nice; she took me off Celexa and left my Lamictal about 200mg a day. She did give me Serequel for sleeping but after taking it a few times and feeling groggy for 12 or 14 hours every time I took it, I stopped. I saw this second psychiatrist a few more times before finding out she was leaving too. I gave up on them but continued on my meds.
I recently have felt so low and at times suicidal that I decided I needed to try salvation again. I called and returned to them this past Friday. I spoke with the new psychiatrist and the head of staff. I was assured that my new Psychiatrist would be there for at least 18months if not longer. They made me an appointment with a therapist there as well who has been there for many years and would be there for many more to come.
Meds.
They left me on the lamictal (200mg). They added Effexor 37.5 Mg to start (which I start on Monday) and Restoril 15mg to help me sleep (this I am not supposed to be on for long since it is addictive)
So this is my story, any help?
Posted by felixbabble on August 27, 2005, at 18:03:27
I posted a few days ago but got no reply.
I am terribly depressed, I have had few "high" feelings but none for a few weeks. I am totally hopeless. I have had professional care, sorta, for the past year.
I have been on Lamictal for most of the last year, currently taking 200mg. I was on celexa and didnt feel it did anything for me. I was also on serequel for sleep but it made me feel groggy and didnt even make me sleep that well.
I have now started taking Restoril (For a week so far) for sleep, but it does not seem to work. I am
also starting Effexor on Monday.I have a final next week, and I really don't care at all. If I fail I may get booted out of school, and I really don't care.
I have feelings some times of why go on, whats the point? Sometimes I think I should end it, sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me.
I really can't se anytype of future at all.
Has anyone else had a situation like this? or these feelings.
Here is the post that I didnt get a reply to, I posted it twice on the same day in "newbies" and here in babble, the only response I got was to the one in "newbies" telling me it was moved to babble. So now its in here twice.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050821/msgs/546924.html
Posted by Declan on August 27, 2005, at 18:33:50
In reply to Terrible Feelings, posted by felixbabble on August 27, 2005, at 18:03:27
Hi Felix
There's lots of people here who know stuff about bipolar (not me). But just about everyone here would know about despair. And I'm sure someone will have helpful things to say about the meds.
Declan
Posted by MoparFan91 on August 27, 2005, at 20:13:38
In reply to Terrible Feelings, posted by felixbabble on August 27, 2005, at 18:03:27
I'm sorry you're feeling horrible. I hope you feel better soon. ;-)
What you might want to do is ask your doctor about raising your Lamictal. Max dose for Lamictal for bipolar is 600mg, so you're only at 1/3 of that. 200mg is just the average target dose, but some people need more to get good response.
If he does want to up the dose of Lamictal, you might also want to ask him about adding a very low dose of an atypical antipsychotic to get you out of the depression and to help you along until you get your Lamictal up. There are some atypicals to choose from: Abilify, Zyprexa, Geodon, Risperdal, and Seroquel.
Good dosage levels for this temporary application would be: 2.5-5mg Abilify, 2.5mg Zyprexa, 40mg Geodon, 0.5mg Risperdal, or 50-100mg Seroquel. Seroquel and Zyprexa are most sedating and very helpful for sleep. Abilify tends to be more activating. Geodon can go either way depending on the person. Risperdal is intermediate.
I took 2.5mg of Abilify when I got severely depressed, and the depression lifted a bit overnight. We increased my mood stabilizer at the same time. I had the same quick response from low dose Geodon.
> I posted a few days ago but got no reply.
>
> I am terribly depressed, I have had few "high" feelings but none for a few weeks. I am totally hopeless. I have had professional care, sorta, for the past year.
>
> I have been on Lamictal for most of the last year, currently taking 200mg. I was on celexa and didnt feel it did anything for me. I was also on serequel for sleep but it made me feel groggy and didnt even make me sleep that well.
>
> I have now started taking Restoril (For a week so far) for sleep, but it does not seem to work. I am
> also starting Effexor on Monday.
>
> I have a final next week, and I really don't care at all. If I fail I may get booted out of school, and I really don't care.
>
> I have feelings some times of why go on, whats the point? Sometimes I think I should end it, sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me.
>
> I really can't se anytype of future at all.
>
> Has anyone else had a situation like this? or these feelings.
>
> Here is the post that I didnt get a reply to, I posted it twice on the same day in "newbies" and here in babble, the only response I got was to the one in "newbies" telling me it was moved to babble. So now its in here twice.
>
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050821/msgs/546924.html
>
>
Posted by felixbabble on August 27, 2005, at 22:47:49
In reply to Re: Terrible Feelings » felixbabble, posted by Declan on August 27, 2005, at 18:33:50
I don't even know where to post. I just want some advice. It so hard not having anyone to relate. No matter how I try to explain the situation to people friends and family, they never understand, to no fault of thier own.
I am going to see a T for the first time in a while next time. The first ones I saw were a joke, as you could read in my first post.
When the ask "Have you ever had suicidal thoughts" I will say yes. When they ask, have ou ever thought about how? I dont know if I will tell them the truth, that yes I have thought about how. I dont want to get locked up in a psych ward at a hospital or something.
I can't sleep I am on restoril 30mg now and It doesnt make me sleep, I fight it, becaue I dont want to experience another day, and if i sleep its like it starts all over.
It hurts and I feel like there is nothing I can do. I have no faith in drugs anymore.
I was on seroquel( spelled wrong in my last post) and I hated it, it made me feel worse and groggy.
Is this the rest of my life? Like this?
I think of why not to end it. but the reason are always because I couldnt stand the thought of how hurt my family would be, but thats really the only reason.
It hurts and I am lost
Posted by Ilene on August 27, 2005, at 23:37:37
In reply to Re: Terrible Feelings, posted by felixbabble on August 27, 2005, at 22:47:49
I felt like drugs would never help me again, but now I'm on a combo that is doing something. Not everything, but *something*. So don't give up.
I.
Posted by sunsplashinwaves on August 28, 2005, at 9:49:34
In reply to Re: Terrible Feelings » felixbabble, posted by Ilene on August 27, 2005, at 23:37:37
I have felt a similiar "down" the past 2 weeks or so. I am not sure but something has to click to get out. I think I am getting out and you will to. We will get out of it together. You know the meds help. It all started for me when I did not take my morning meds as I was supposed to one morning, went to work, someone approached me in the wrong way and that was all she wrote... I was on the coach and crying for 2 days. Today is the day I get out of the house and I am here if any of you need me. I know I am new but I am checking this thing everyday... And my email everyday... Keep in touch and don't feel alone without me!
> I felt like drugs would never help me again, but now I'm on a combo that is doing something. Not everything, but *something*. So don't give up.
>
> I.
Posted by denise1966 on August 28, 2005, at 14:06:19
In reply to Terrible Feelings, posted by felixbabble on August 27, 2005, at 18:03:27
Hi,
I know exactly how you feel, infact have been feeling just like you for the past week or so. Have been dragging my nail across my wrist just to see if I could actually have the nerve to slash them but problem is I don't.
Anyway, what I find really helpful for lifting my mood is 10mg of Zyprexa just when I'm feeling really desperate. I took 10mg of Zyprexa on Friday and whilst it didn't lift me out of it straight away, it really helps over the next few days. God knows where I'd be without it, although I do sometimes wonder if he/she actually exists.
The Zyprexa, takes away the suicidal ideations for me, helps me think more rationally and gives me a breather from the really bad thoughts and feelings.
Trouble is by next Friday I know I'll start to go down again, not a nice way to exist really. That is if the Nardil doesn't do anything and I don't think it will but that's me being negative.
Anyway, I hope you feel better soon and just to let you know you are definately not alone. And if we still both feel the same way next year and hopefully we won't, we can both jump off a cliff hand in hand :-)
Denise
Posted by felixbabble on August 28, 2005, at 14:53:14
In reply to Re: Terrible Feelings, posted by denise1966 on August 28, 2005, at 14:06:19
I don't know, its another day and I feel just as crappy. putting things off as usual. People mention which drugs help.
I have been on
Lamictal
Celexa
Seroquel
Restoril
and starting
Effexor xr (tomorrow)I just don't believe that I will take a pill and feel anything. I have felt zero difference on any of these pills. Well the seroquel did make me feel groggy, but thats it.
I want to run away from everyone. Start a new life almost and feel like being a total shut in. Just go off somewhere 1000 miles away get some go nowhere job. Eat sleep work and thats it. I don't know why, I feel like its that or just end it.
Sometimes I laugh and something so stupid. I cannot make up my mind on any decisions even little things. It takes me over an hour just to decide on dinner. WTF. I have some books , like "the new mood therapy" but I dont want to read them, i have written them off before page 1
This is terrible
Posted by marleenm on August 28, 2005, at 17:06:55
In reply to Terrible Feelings, posted by felixbabble on August 27, 2005, at 18:03:27
Sometimes it is hard to get stable on a med. It takes trying different meds at different dosages to finally find the one that works for you. What works for me doesn't necessarily work for you. I have felt exactly how you feel, you are not alone. Alot of us have gone through or are going thru the same despair and sadness. The nice thing is that it will not be permanent. I am stable on my prozac and lithium but it tooks a couple years of trying different things to finally get to where I am at. I felt hopeless and suicidal at one point but what kept me going was that things do get better, that I would find the right mix of meds, and that life is worth living. I have been on my meds for 14 yrs now and doing well. Yes I have periods during the year where I am forelorned like you but I know that it will pass. You need to be your own advocate, keep trying different meds and maybe even a different doctor. I did whatever I could to get where I am at today. I am bi polar and I have the manic episodes followed by the downs, but what my meds have done is to bring the hughs and lows alot closer than they were so they weren't so high and so low. And suicide is not worth it. There is help out there. Just hang on. You are not alone.
> I posted a few days ago but got no reply.
>
> I am terribly depressed, I have had few "high" feelings but none for a few weeks. I am totally hopeless. I have had professional care, sorta, for the past year.
>
> I have been on Lamictal for most of the last year, currently taking 200mg. I was on celexa and didnt feel it did anything for me. I was also on serequel for sleep but it made me feel groggy and didnt even make me sleep that well.
>
> I have now started taking Restoril (For a week so far) for sleep, but it does not seem to work. I am
> also starting Effexor on Monday.
>
> I have a final next week, and I really don't care at all. If I fail I may get booted out of school, and I really don't care.
>
> I have feelings some times of why go on, whats the point? Sometimes I think I should end it, sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me.
>
> I really can't se anytype of future at all.
>
> Has anyone else had a situation like this? or these feelings.
>
> Here is the post that I didnt get a reply to, I posted it twice on the same day in "newbies" and here in babble, the only response I got was to the one in "newbies" telling me it was moved to babble. So now its in here twice.
>
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050821/msgs/546924.html
>
>
Posted by DoYouKnowHim? on August 29, 2005, at 4:48:51
In reply to Re: Terrible Feelings, posted by marleenm on August 28, 2005, at 17:06:55
There are many meds you have yet to try and there are new ones coming out each month. Somewhere, somehow, there is something that will help you. You just have to remain upbeat.
You know, meds are not the full solution. You also have to work on changing the thoughts in your mind. You have to find a way to get your mind off yourself and your problems. It's hard as Hell and takes time.
Hang in there.
Posted by sunsplashinwaves on August 29, 2005, at 7:55:44
In reply to Re: The good news is ..., posted by DoYouKnowHim? on August 29, 2005, at 4:48:51
-----> And the other good news is if the day is unbearable is that it will end and you will get another one to try again... Hang in there and keep your head held high!
> There are many meds you have yet to try and there are new ones coming out each month. Somewhere, somehow, there is something that will help you. You just have to remain upbeat.
>
> You know, meds are not the full solution. You also have to work on changing the thoughts in your mind. You have to find a way to get your mind off yourself and your problems. It's hard as Hell and takes time.
>
> Hang in there.
Posted by felixbabble on August 29, 2005, at 14:49:02
In reply to Re: The good news is ... » DoYouKnowHim?, posted by sunsplashinwaves on August 29, 2005, at 7:55:44
I know, and I have said and heard this advice before. I guess when it hurts i tjust cannot see anything ahead. I really feel like I have no options. I am not stupid so its hard to convince myself of things I cannot really get behind.
I know I have to try but I just dont feel like I can. I am either to lazy, to tired or I just don't care anymore.
Posted by Declan on August 29, 2005, at 16:12:10
In reply to Re: The good news is ..., posted by felixbabble on August 29, 2005, at 14:49:02
And you (well, one) can be really really angry. I know I've been. No real idea what about. About continual frustration, that might be an example, or too much suffering of one sort or another.
Declan
Posted by felixbabble on August 29, 2005, at 17:58:58
In reply to Re: The good news is ..., posted by Declan on August 29, 2005, at 16:12:10
I get some serious rage sometimes. I just make up situations that could happen in my head and fume to the point my fists are clenched and I am ready to pounce. I am usually alone when this happens so no danger of anyone getting hurt.
There is just so much F##Ked up with me I can't even remember it all when I first talk to DR.
Posted by Declan on August 29, 2005, at 19:41:26
In reply to Re: The good news is ..., posted by felixbabble on August 29, 2005, at 17:58:58
Well this has been said before, but we're presented with a happy shiney people world out there. My feeling about what you said, you know fu@$ed up, was welcome to the club. I don't know, if we can try to be kind and good to each other, that's enough for me.
Declan
Posted by felixbabble on August 30, 2005, at 3:39:16
In reply to Re: The good news is ..., posted by Declan on August 29, 2005, at 19:41:26
> Well this has been said before, but we're presented with a happy shiney people world out there. My feeling about what you said, you know fu@$ed up, was welcome to the club. I don't know, if we can try to be kind and good to each other, that's enough for me.
> Declan
I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I don't need to join the club I have been a standing member for a while.I dont know if that "shiney people world" exists for me. I cannot delude myself into thinking it does. I have seen some people treat others terrible for no reason other then they could. I know we have all seen this in different ways.
I hope that world is out there. I just cannot see it right now.
I talked to my mother tonight, not about this stuf, but just in general and it made me feel good, for a little while. I just hate how fast those feelings fade these days.
I think the worst part of Bipolar is the dissapointment. The feelings go up and its like wow, i can do anything, I am gonna be over this soon, I can handle whats going on and BOOM. I drop lower then i have been before. After a while you just stop trusting your own feelings other then the bad ones. I guess we all go through this it just sucks
Thanks for the words declan, maybe one of us will get out of this
Posted by sunsplashinwaves on September 5, 2005, at 10:26:22
In reply to Re: The good news is ..., posted by felixbabble on August 30, 2005, at 3:39:16
Just wanted to say hello and hope all is going well. How are things going with your feelings??
This is the end of the thread.
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