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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jcsierra on January 21, 2004, at 14:27:26
My husband has had very bad depression and social anxiety disorder since early grade school, and as been seeing psychiatrists just as long. He and I have been together for 2 years and married for 3 months. I am beginning to wonder if I can even deal with his depression and anxiety anymore. It seems to be getting better but then suddenly it is bad again. He is on 4 different anti-depressants. Lately he has been in a bad mood most of the time, yelling and being rude about everything, or just seeming completely emotionless. If he isn't being grumpy he seem just not to care at all. When I try to talk to him about it he says that I"m not being supportive. I am just wondering when does it go from not being supportive to enough is enough. I am begining to think he uses his depression and anxiety as an excuse when he just doesn't want to do anything or just feels the need to yell at someone. He will be absolutely fine and then when he is crabby or just being rude for no reason and I ask him if anything is wrong he says everything is just fine. I tell him that he is effecting myself and the children with his moods and that I don't know how much more I can take of his attitude, and his response is always, "well if you don't want to be supportive of me then do what you have to do" I have been supportive of him for the last 2 years and I am just beginning to think that there are times when his depression isn't bothering him and he needs an excuse for his behavior or just and excuse to be mean, so he uses his mental problems for that purpose. When he knows he is in the wrong he just accuses me of not being supportive and making me feel like everything is my fault and I was wrong to ever get upset with him. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this if things don't change. Am I being selfish and unsupportive? Should I just bite my tounge and put up with everything he does and every mood swing and bad attitude he throws at our family because he has an illness? Is there a point when you have tried so hard that it isn't a matter of support anymore? Where do I draw the line?
Posted by HappyGirl on January 21, 2004, at 15:28:23
In reply to Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by jcsierra on January 21, 2004, at 14:27:26
Hi:
In your quote,... your husband has been on 4 different ADs for his depression along with Anxiety. However, it sounds to me like those meds. are NOT helping his condition. You didn't mention what form of depressionm plus what form of those ADs, ... however nowadays, there are a lot of effective meds. to get him back to 'old himself'/normal or semi-nomalcy.' Under this situation, you and your husband needs to work HARD on medications' issues. Complaining and puzzling over his condition won't help you including the family, in the first place.
The very first step is to find more competent and experienced psychiatrist for his condition, because his depression and other mental condition seems pretty SERIOUS, then the un-experienced pdoc. might NOT pin-point to prescribe appropriate AD meds. your husband's condition needs. Try to ask any reputable hospital, even local Mental Hospital for referral. There are good pdocs., but not TOO many, then it might take awhile of finding a pdoc., ... but keep asking/looking for a right pdoc. for the sake of your husband's well-being, because medications are a BIG TOOL for your husband to feel well!
H.G.
Posted by blondemomints on January 21, 2004, at 17:25:34
In reply to Re: Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by HappyGirl on January 21, 2004, at 15:28:23
Not only are you in the throws of early marriage which is by no means easy, you are also dealing with a man who is sick. Please don't take offense to anything I am about to type. It's not meant to be defensive, I am only speaking from personal experience.
Having dealt with depression & mood swings for nearly 22 years myself, I can tell you first hand that unless you've experienced this yourself, you will never be able to fully understand the magnitude of what your husband is dealing with inside his own mind. Do you honestly think he wants to be angry or depressed? None of us choose our emotions, it's like we are being controlled by an alien or a force stronger than anything you can imagine. It's hard to explain, I'm sorry my words aren't clearer.
I totally agree with what Happygirl said. You both have to find the right doctor (preferably psychiatrist who is patient and understanding) who is willing to work with your husband to find the right meds. There are so many out there, it can take years and a number of combinations to find what is best for him. Each person is different, we all react to meds differently.
I think you and your husband would benefit from joint therapy as well. You will have a better understanding about how he truly feels once he feels "safe" to open up & express what he really feels inside his heart. Thank God I have a husband of nearly 20 years who has stood by me through all of my mental problems and agreed to go to therapy with me to have a better understanding of my mind. And in the process he found out that he's not perfect either and had his own issues to work through. It's helped us tremendously!
If you truly love him, you will stand with him and help him. Sometimes our minds will not *allow* us to ask for help, we can be stubborn and think nothing is wrong....please don't give up. He needs help & support. God Bless You Both, this is not an easy journey but there is light, have patience, faith & hang in there....
Posted by David Smith on January 21, 2004, at 19:55:49
In reply to Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by jcsierra on January 21, 2004, at 14:27:26
"My husband has had very bad depression and social anxiety disorder since early grade school..."
What was he like when you married him? Why did you marry him if he was depressed? You must really love him.
Four AD's at one time can lead to a crisis situation. I agree with the other posters- he needs a reeaally good medical doctor as well as a good pdoc and therapist. You MUST enlist the aid of supportive, competent people (including friends and family). If there is going to be any long lasting, positive change, it is going to take years to establish.
STEP#1- Get counseling for yourself.STEP#2- Count your blessings. They are there.
STEP#3- Continue your quest for knowledge.
It is a good sign that you care about your own feelings AND the well being of your husband.
I applaud your bravery.
dave
Posted by jay on January 21, 2004, at 20:23:08
In reply to Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by jcsierra on January 21, 2004, at 14:27:26
Hi..
Well, first off, welcome. Second, it sounds like your Hubby isn't getting proper treatment if he is miserable and angry all the time. This is obviously very tough for you, and I know a bit watching my Mom live with my Dad's depression for the past 20 years. (And mine!) First, you may want to both educate, and find some support, for yourself. There are support-groups for family members, and it may very well be you will need support through most of your life and marriage. It's usually a long-term deal, but you do have a lot to gain, including a "well" husband who is more sensitive to your pain, and more gentle. Once your Husband gets the right treatment, and I am warning this may be awhile, there is something for everyone to gain.
If you can, talk to his doctor about your experiences...maybe try journaling them, and may be best to seek support beyond your Husband for now. You can't do this all on your own.
Please come back for further support....it's a start.
Best wishes,
Jay
Posted by dazed on January 22, 2004, at 12:25:11
In reply to Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by jcsierra on January 21, 2004, at 14:27:26
My husband had clinical depression 10 yrs ago, then went on meds after leaving the hospital, for one year. Then he thought he was better, so he quit the meds.
This past summer, he crashed again, and this time, I decided to go the pdoc WITH him, so that pdoc could hear from someone other than hubby's confused mind, what was happening at home. I went to about 10 visits with him until I thought hubby was normal.
See, hubby had told pdoc that this one medicine doesn't help him, however, I learned from 10 yrs ago that it does help him. It is a drug for schitsophrenia/psycosis that amazingly helps him, even though he's really not schitsophrenic (sp?) or psycotic, so I told pdoc about that drug helping him years ago (see hubby was embarrased to admit that a drug for that particular illness helped him). He started him on that and walla, hubby got better the next day.
I think it's important to accompany hubby to his doctor visits for a few times, to make sure he's telling the doctor the truth instead of something he Thinks is true in his mind.
P.S. my hubby will probably be on meds for years. i told doc, I can't go thru this everytime he gets "well" and gets off medication. I also told hubby, either he controls his mental illness with proper medication by going to the doctor, or he can go to divorce court. I had to be sturn with him. We survived yet again!!
It really can get better.
Posted by KimberlyDi on January 23, 2004, at 17:05:07
In reply to Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by jcsierra on January 21, 2004, at 14:27:26
Probably your husband is blind to many things that are occuring. Depression is a selfish disease, as another poster mentioned not too long ago. It sucks up all a persons resources. He's probably wishing everyone would just be quiet and leave him alone.
It is bad for you and the children. I have/had a similar problem. When my husband doesn't take his anti-depressant and high blood pressure medication, he becomes a monster. After he explodes, he really doesn't understand why the rage overtakes him. He doesn't want to drive me away. I demanded marriage counseling, which he didn't agree to until I wasn't giving him any more chances. It took an impartial person (the counselor) to help him realize how he was treating me and the kids. It also took the counselor for me to learn that he lives with fears too. You know, big strong men don't ever admit to having fears.
It sounds like his medication mix isn't working well, if he's taking anything at all. You are already being supportive by reaching psychobabble and asking for help.
Above all, remember that marriage is a partnership. He needs to be supportive of you TOO.
There is hope. :) KDi in TX
Posted by KimberlyDi on January 23, 2004, at 17:06:46
In reply to Re: Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by dazed on January 22, 2004, at 12:25:11
Posted by jcsierra on January 24, 2004, at 1:15:11
In reply to Re: Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by dazed on January 22, 2004, at 12:25:11
I want to thank you all for replying to my post. My husband just started seeing a new psychiatrist 2 months ago. He is currently on Remeron, wellbutrin, and effexor. His doctor says that if he wants quicker results he has to approach his problems aggresively, and that is why he is taking 3 at once. Perhaps all the medications are making him have the mood swings, since he just recently started taking them. I agree with you all that we should both go to counseling together for this, since it is both of us going through it. I have spoke with him before about it and he said he would be willing to have me come to the psychiatrist with him. I also agree that he may not be telling the doctor the truth, well maybe the truth as he sees it, but not how it really is. I have had a long talk with him about how this is affecting me and told him that I am being supportive as much as I can be, but he also needs to understand what I have to go through on a daily basis as well. He seems to think that we will see a change in him as soon as his body adjusts to these medications, and if not he agreed to try something else. I have also talked him into seeing a psychologist along with the psychiatrist. Maybe it will take more than just medication to help him. Thanks for your support:)
Posted by HappyGirl on January 24, 2004, at 14:39:19
In reply to Re: Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by jcsierra on January 24, 2004, at 1:15:11
Hi:
I quite understand your support for your *dear* husband seems NOT enough, ... however like other posters saying, ... he has this illness, the serious form of Depression, for that your support and eternal LOVE are most important ingredients for him to get by daily life. It's VERY good thing to know that you're a quite strong person to withstand your husband's endless complaints and unhappy episodes. But, you should keep in mind that there is no marriage taken place if he did not believe 'true/genuine'LOVE in you. You are #1 person in the world more than anyone else, ... I believe.
The following quote as to the med. combo. ...
>> He is currently on Remeron, wellbutrin, and effexor. His doctor says that if he wants quicker results he has to approach his problems aggresively, and that is why he is taking 3 at once <<
In my knowledge along with my personal experience, three(3) different ADs are both 'Good' and "Bad." Because, normally his pdoc. should have rxed one med. at a time during the period of two or three months' interval. With thee meds. at once has no any good clueof finding as to whether which med. are helping your husband, because each med. has unique substance to alleviate dep. However, if those three AD med. combo. does not offer enough relief, ... then it might be a good idea for you and your husband to seek at least 'second opinion.' Some of pdoc. saying 'aggressive med. regimen,' however as reading your message, it sounds like your husband's depressive episodes are VERY obvious to not feel well. Rather, he sounds like always 'grouchy moods' everyone around him, especially around you. Practically, insides him seems very miserable enough to not even function everyday's life.
It's VERY good idea for you and your husband to get a 'Joint Counselling' with both the pdoc. and a psychologist.
Good Luck on you, Both!
H.G.
Posted by LOKIsDREAM on January 24, 2004, at 22:17:55
In reply to Help dealing with my husbands depression, posted by jcsierra on January 21, 2004, at 14:27:26
> My husband has had very bad depression and social anxiety disorder since early grade school, and as been seeing psychiatrists just as long. He and I have been together for 2 years and married for 3 months. I am beginning to wonder if I can even deal with his depression and anxiety anymore. It seems to be getting better but then suddenly it is bad again. He is on 4 different anti-depressants. Lately he has been in a bad mood most of the time, yelling and being rude about everything, or just seeming completely emotionless. If he isn't being grumpy he seem just not to care at all. When I try to talk to him about it he says that I"m not being supportive. I am just wondering when does it go from not being supportive to enough is enough. I am begining to think he uses his depression and anxiety as an excuse when he just doesn't want to do anything or just feels the need to yell at someone. He will be absolutely fine and then when he is crabby or just being rude for no reason and I ask him if anything is wrong he says everything is just fine. I tell him that he is effecting myself and the children with his moods and that I don't know how much more I can take of his attitude, and his response is always, "well if you don't want to be supportive of me then do what you have to do" I have been supportive of him for the last 2 years and I am just beginning to think that there are times when his depression isn't bothering him and he needs an excuse for his behavior or just and excuse to be mean, so he uses his mental problems for that purpose. When he knows he is in the wrong he just accuses me of not being supportive and making me feel like everything is my fault and I was wrong to ever get upset with him. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this if things don't change. Am I being selfish and unsupportive? Should I just bite my tounge and put up with everything he does and every mood swing and bad attitude he throws at our family because he has an illness? Is there a point when you have tried so hard that it isn't a matter of support anymore? Where do I draw the line?
Sorry, don't want to be rude, and yes I realise that I am being selfish, but as the husband I have to speak up. It works both ways. My depression was brought on by my wife taking the kid and leaving. Cascade effect. Sounds to me as if you are getting screwed(please pardon the phrase, it was not intended that way), but it's quite up to you where to put the line, different people have their own limits, often physical violence is unfortunately it. In my case, the thought of hurting either of them turns my stomach, but some people get so angry that they lose it. For me, who was the one being selfish: me-tired and hurt, wanting to call it a life, or my wife-cheating after less than 6mos of marriage, walking in at the wrong time to move her stuff out. You have to decide for yourself what you will have to live with. Sounds like I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on you, but I'm not. Just take a minute to yourself and think of the consequences of all your actions, and then act. Luck to you.
Posted by Dr. Bob on January 26, 2004, at 1:11:58
In reply to Re: Help dealing with my husbands depression » jcsierra, posted by LOKIsDREAM on January 24, 2004, at 22:17:55
> It works both ways. My depression was brought on by my wife taking the kid and leaving...
Sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to redirect follow-ups that aren't about medication to Psycho-Social-Babble. Here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040120/msgs/305492.html
Thanks,
Bob
This is the end of the thread.
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